Archive for November 9th, 2009

That’s My Favorite Poe Story!

9th November
2009
written by jed

MOSQUE OF EVIL (not to be confused with The Mosque of the Red Death or Murders in the Rue Mosque) freaks out over the fact that Dr. Nidal Malik Hasan attended a mosque in Virginia at the same time as two of the 9/11 hijackers. The Dar al Hijrah Islamic Center in Falls Church, Virginia is one of the largest mosques on the East Coast; thousands attend services there. The FBI is now investigating a possible connection between the hijackers and Hasan.

In other jump-to-conclusion news, Joe Lieberman has been trying to get people to forget what a scumbag he is by commenting (a lot) on Hasan. The Post has blown up one of his more inciteful (note the spelling) comments at the top of page 5: “There are very, very strong warning signs here that Dr. Hasan had become an Islamist extremist and, therefore, that this was a terrorist act.”

But if you look at the 12th paragraph of the accompanying story (9/11 LINK IN SLAY SPREE), you’ll see the entire quote: “I want to say very quickly we don’t know enough to say now, but there are very, very strong warning signs here that Dr. Hasan had become an Islamist extremist and, therefore, that this was a terrorist act.”

Bonus points: Lieberman said this to Fox News.

More bonus points: The 20th paragraph briefly mentions that “an initial review of Hasan’s computer use has found no evidence of links to terror groups or anyone who might have helped plan or push him toward the attack.”

Again, what the man did was inexcusable and despicable. But what people like Lieberman are doing in response might just result in more dead innocents. And it doesn’t address the kind of persecution that many enlisted men and women face from their Bible-thumping peers. But why look at the cause of a tragedy? Let’s just bomb Muslia or Muslistan or wherever they all come from.

Can we place a moritorium on studies?

A new one has found that male high-school athletes are 1.4 times more likely to binge drink (duh) and 1.3 times more likely to fight (duh) than their non-athletic peers.

Science!

Wal-Mart is beyond reprehensible. If you have a soul, you must never ever shop there. Never.

What did they do now? This.

If you shop there, the domestic terrorists win.

Oh, look! Page 3 has a photo of Ivanka Trump and her new husband, Jared Kushner, shopping! At Kmart!

Billionaires… so like us.

Greg Van Voorhis, 30, is an English teacher at The Bronx School of Law and Finance in Marble Hill. He gave his 11th-grade students copies of Guts — a short story that Chuck Palahniuk wrote for Playboy. Featuring masturbating and autoerotic asphyxiation.

Guess who got suspended. [Hint: His initials are GVV.]

I mean, can you imagine a 16-year-old reading about masturbation? Before marriage?

Republican Dan Halloran, who is also the First Atheling of New Normandy, has been elected to the City Council by his Queens constituents. Dan is a practicing Theodist and the leader of his tribe (of roughly 120). Theodism requires animal sacrifice, which I believe makes Dan the first Republican to admit to sacrificing animals religiously.

Health bill is in trouble says the Post. GOP calls it DOA says the Post.

“The House bill is dead on arrival in the Senate,” says Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina, has a girl’s name).

“The public option will destroy private health care,” says Joe Lieberman (on Fox News Sunday).

“Saturday’s vote to create a massive government-run health-insurance program is to Nancy Pelosi and her Democrats what the Battle of Gettysburg was to the South,” says Charles Hurt (and thank God — I was starting to think that Republicans were only dishonoring the memories of the people who died in World War II!).

It’s almost like a John Cage piece.

Oh, Andrea Peyser, you shrill haridan.

PLOT ‘V’AGUELY FAMILIAR begins, “They came in peace. A charismatic leader blew in from nowhere to promise all people a future of hope, prosperity and, get this, universal health care. No, this tale is not a documentary on the Obama administration.” It’s V! It’s the show about duplicitous lizard creatures! Do you see what she did there? She compared Barack Obama’s agenda with that of fictional aliens who hate humanity! Outstanding!

Also, three weeks after the fact, Andrea weighs in on Larry David splashing urine on a picture of Jesus Christ (HB-PO’d at ‘Enthusiasm’). “Imagine if David had done the same routine using a picture of the prophet Mohammed. I am grossed out — by the the bathroom humor as well as the slur.”

That’s all well and good, but how do you feel about South Park calling Kanye a gay fish?

She also tells us that she didn’t vote in the last election (“I vote with my pocketbook, and I could not find a candidate who shares my views.”), but the jewel in her crown of misguided anger today is Hack halts cab nookie & now he’s screwed?!

“This man does not deserve to be treated like a criminal. Cabby Medhat Mohamed is the new poster boy for sexual intolerance in this libertine city… Mayor Bloomberg labeled the distressed driver a ‘disgrace.’… But Medhat Mohamed is no bigot, and he’s not a disgrace.”

Firstly, Bloomberg qualified his comments with an “if the allegations are true.” You don’t qualify anything, Andrea. You just insult the gay guys who obviously got revenge on the poor man who wouldn’t let them fuck in the back seat of his cab.

“But the campaign against the cabby marks a new low for this city. Mohamed told me, and I have no reason to disbelieve him, that the couple in the back was doing a lot more than hugging.”

She has no reason to disbelieve him, but those horny faggots? They’re all liars. They’re victimizing Medhat! Here’s the best part: “The rush to blame Mohamed’s Muslim faith for the infraction seems its own kind of blatant bigotry — a move to change the nature of this sordid story into a tale of religious rights vs. gay rights.”

Don’t let Andrea see today’s front page or pages 4-5, lest her papermates’ rush to blame Hasan’s Muslim faith cause her head to explode.

On second thought, someone please force Andrea to look at the front page and pages 4-5 until her head explodes.

Pedophiles have started using computer viruses to hack into other people’s computers and stash their kiddie porn there — viewing it remotely at their leisure — without the actual owners of the PCs even realizing that the lewd materials are there, your honor.

Sucre from Prison Break is dating Dr. Cameron from House? Does that mean Dr. Chase is going to start seeing the lady whose head was in a box but it turns out that it wasn’t her head?

(we stopped watching Prison Break in its third season, but I think that’s what happened)

PIX 11 has a half-page ad for Inside Edition in Page Six (today on page 13) that trumpets:

EXCLUSIVE! MICHELLE OBAMA’S FORGOTTEN RELATIVES (AND THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE HER)

A quick peak at the IE website reveals that they’re a White family — the lady is Michelle’s fourth cousin.

Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt and George W. Bush, but this story is just as interesting, I’m sure.

Cindy Adams: “Anyone know that in Japanese, ‘Ringo Starr’ means ‘applesauce’?”

Box.

B’also? She ended her interview with Terrence “Moist Wipes” Howard with, “I quick [sic] left Terrence, whose jacket, by the way, was so cashmere-y, it must have come from a goat’s private parts.”

Andrea Peyser would be mortified by such toilet humor.

The drummer for !!! and LCD Soundsystem died in an elevator accident yesterday. Jerry Fuchs and another man were trapped three or four feet above the fifth floor. The other guy jumped down to the floor, but when Jerry tried his clothing got caught on the elevator and he was pulled into the shaft.

In 2005, !!!’s drummer was killed while on his bike in Sacramento.

The next time Spinal Tap tours, !!! should open.

(RIP, Jerry)

Diane Schuler (the original “drunk driver of a minivan full of kids going the wrong way down a road” lady) pulled over to vomit twice during that final drunken voyage. And she had 6 grams of undigested booze in her stomach during the autopsy.

Which could mean that, after puking twice, she continued drinking. While driving.

Awesome.

Lawrence Taylor got in a car accident in Florida last night and fled the scene. Cops caught up and arrested him for “leaving the scene of accident/property damage.”

Here’s a good defense, LT: “Your honor, if fleeing the scene of an accident is the worst thing I do in Florida this week, we’re all pretty lucky, am I right?”

Governor Bobby Jindal has declared a state of emergency in a condescending almost-lispy drawl. He’s afraid of Hurricane Ida, which should reach the Gulf Coast tomorrow.

Jindal is expected to remain creepy.

Jacob Gershman wonders WHO’LL DARE TO PROBE THE WFP?

Is the answer ACORN?

James J. Ring of Ossining (that rhymes!) writes in to say, “I already have contempt for the snakes who will crawl out of the grass and out from under slimy rocks to defend whoever is guilty of the massacre at Fort Hood.”

Then he angrily fed his cats and tried to remember what it felt like to be loved.

Is Michael Vick going to the Buffalo Bills?

Possibly!

Boy, the Giants are making it really easy to give up those season tickets, huh, Dad?

Glenn Beck Twatted yesterday, “My wife lays the law: i’m not 2 go 2 work 2morrow either. I’m feeling better & will B back Tuesday. A TON 2 SAY.”

While I’m glad that his wife sleeps with cops, I’m sorry 2 C that he will B back.

In praising The Wanda Sykes Show, Linda Stasi referred to SNL as Saturday Night Dead.

See what she did there?

The show had its moments and I look forward to the next episode, but it was hardly the home run that Linda declared it to be (Mary Lynn Rajskub was funny? When?). I’ve loved Wanda since her time on The Chris Rock Show. Let’s hope that enough people watch this so that it can become a 5-nights-a-week thing.

Despite it being Monday, have a great day, kids.

1 Comment
Dailies