Archive for November 12th, 2009

Nauseous Regret (my new improv team!)

12th November
2009
written by jed

Firstly, here’s Carrie Prejean on Larry King Live.

From Anderson Cooper’s silent cameo at the beginning to the caption “SARAH PALIN IS MY HERO,” to Carrie’s mouthed conversation with God (I’m assuming), this is three minutes of time well spent. You’re welcome.

Nextly, I’ve started to browse the Huffington Post (it has a lot of great writers, embedded video, etc.) and (despite the NSFW warning) I clicked on the link of Oprah and the woman whose face was mauled by a chimp. The photo was brutal. As soon as I saw it, I knew that I would never unsee it and was filled with nauseous regret.

Luckily, I read the New York Post. They put the woman on the front page. The headline FACE OF COURAGE is accompanied by a fairly graphic photo of the “Incredible moment Oprah unveiled maimed chimp attack victim“ — but the really wince-inducing photos are on page 5.

Since Web traffic seems to be worth more nowadays than actual print readers, wouldn’t it have made more sense to publish the article with a note that, if you want to see a woman whose thigh has been grafted to her face under a gaping red hole where her eyes used to be, go to nypost.com? I mean, the photos are totes NSFW and one of them is on the front page!

(I was going to say “If that’s the face of courage, I’m glad I’m a coward!” but this poor woman didn’t ask to be on the cover of the Post — she’s the victim of an attack and not deserving of any snarkiness — so, instead, I’ll point out that the letters in Andrea Peyser’s name can be rearranged into “Needs Rear Yap”)

The big story on page 3? Mayor Bloomberg has a crush on the British actress (who was born in Wales) Honeysuckle Weeks. 90% of the page is devoted to this “news.”


This could be the all-time worst edition of the Post I’ve ever read! And that’s saying something!


On page 4, there’s a 7-sentence article titled Mike hints at job cuts.

Fifteen (15) paragraphs about Bloomberg’s crush on a married actress, seven (7) sentences about the possibility of massive job cuts in New York City.

Sigh.

One of the jurors in the Gotti trial sent a note to the judge before the jury began deliberating.

“I’m not saying I agree with the prosecution about what happened, but if I did, I don’t understand why it would be considered racketeering,” the juror asked.

Methinks Junior will walk *(for, what is this, the fifth time?).

Governor Paterson says he’ll consider waiving the $25 charge for the new New York license plates — on two conditions. One: The $129,000,000 it would have raised will have to come from somewhere else in the state budget. Two: Everyone has to promise to vote for him.

“What I would like is help figuring out how to replace it,” he told reporters, possibly referencing his blindness.

Did you know that 20 – 25% of this country’s homeless people are veterans? And that 10,000 of NYC’s homeless are, too?

Did everyone have a happy Veterans Day?

Mike Tyson has been arrested (again!) for battery. He punched a photographer at LAX yesterday. His spokeswoman (what a horrible job!) claims that he hit the paparazzo in self defense (?) and that he was just protecting his 10-month-old son.

Looks like he still hasn’t worked out all of the kinks in protecting his children.

(Too soon?)

Mets fans are angry. Very very angry.

The team promised fans that 2010’s tickets would have price reductions that averaged 10%.

But some fans’ tickets were only reduced 1%.

Mets spokesman David Howard said, “Obviously, the ‘average’ means there is some higher and some lower, but the average is 10%.”

Not obviously, Dave. Trying to explain how “averages” work to Mets fans is like trying to explain what “public option” means to opponents of health-care reform.

Maclaren faces a fine of $1,000,000 — maybe even more! Why? Because of all of those strollers they just recalled (you know, because children were getting their fingers severed by them?). Turns out, they’ve known for at least five (5) years that the hazard existed, but never reported it to the Consumer Products Safety Commission (which is kinda sorta the law).

Someone sued them in 2004 when her child lost a pinky to the stroller. They settled. And someone from the CPSC testified — in 2007 — that the strollers were being manufactured in China in ways that violated federal guidelines.

But business continued as usual. Only when the feds made it virtually impossible to do anything else did the company issue the recall.

Maybe it’s time to stop buying Maclaren products, America?

B’also? Regulation is evil and socialisty.

Brooklyn’s own Anthony Brioridy, 32, has been arrested for dealing drugs. Among them was liquid marijuana.

According to police, this is the first time they’ve encountered it. It’s the first I’ve ever heard of such a thing, too.

Apparently, he “brewed the distilled resins of pot fermented with 180-proof grain alcohol.”

MacGyver would be proud.

Virginia’s own Lauren Johnson, 12, has been sneezing every 10 seconds for the last two weeks (except during sleep).

I think I’ve seen her on the F. And the B75. And at C-Town. Come to think of it, I think she’s stalking me!

Lou Dobbs has quit his post at CNN. He told viewers that he wanted to devote more time to “constructive problem solving.”

I love the fact that his wife (Debi) is a Mexican-American (his in-laws must adore him!).

Good luck as a footnote, you xenophobic horse’s ass.

What an odd turn of phrase.

An investigator at the Army claims that “had we launched an investigation of Hasan, we’d have been crucified.”

Ah, to be a Muslim in the armed forces.

Does the Post only have one photo of a clown in its archives? Here he is again on Andrea Peyser’s page (Labeling Albany a circus is a smear on Bozo). She refers to the members of the state Senate as “The Dumb, the Dumber, the Mentally Challenged, Morally Bankrupt and Outright Deranged” and Governor Paterson as “Governor Pipsqueak” (I still say Governor Magoo is funnier). But these guys are actually legitimate targets — they deserve scrutiny and ridicule.

HEALTH CARE A WAITY MATTER uses the shortage of the H1N1 vaccine as “a glimpse of the future of government-run health care.” The last part of the piece was originally supposed to read “And the price of my Mets tickets only went down 6%! That’s not 10%!” but she needed room for…

This teacher has no class demands that Greg Van Voorhis be fired for “pass[ing] out copies of a Playboy magazine article about masturbation, autoerotic asphyxiation and garden vegetables to his high-school class.” This is why the man in a wig who calls himself Andrea Peyser is an incredible asshole. Like the majority of her readers, she doesn’t need the facts. Just the basic story (which is like the actual story, but streamlined). Here, the basic story is that some guy gave his students a Playboy article on masturbation for no reason.

The actual story, if you can breathe through your nose, is that an English teacher gave his 11th-grade students a short story that one of this generation’s most celebrated writers had published in Playboy. Not a how-to article. A creative piece of fiction.

“Teens may think it’s cool for adults to let them in on unusual sex practices. But normalizing this stuff in a pathetic bid to win youthful fans — making deviancy just another variant on the menu of acceptable behavior — doesn’t bode well for these kids as they enter adulthood.”

Let them in on? The lead singer of INXS died of autoerotic asphyxiation 12 years ago! David Carradine was repeatedly on the front page of your shitty paper this year!

And who but a teenager (or someone with the mind of one) is going to enjoy a headline like HUNG FU!?

B’also? Before you start demanding that someone be fired, maybe you should read the thing that’s making you so angry. It’s called Guts. It’s by Chuck Palahniuk. And you’re an idiot.

Mandrea (guess who just came up with a new nickname for Andrea Peyser!) also attacks The New York Times and Obama (An insult to our soldiers) — the former for making her read “almost to the jump” before being told that Hasan was responsible for the Fort Hood shootings (“Reading about the butcher who murdered 13 innocents at Fort Hood in The New York Times, you’d want to sing a spirited chorus of ‘Kumbaya.’ So sensitive was the paper to the ‘Muslim-bashing’ endured by Major Nidal Hasan, I had to read almost to the jump to learn that he is accused of mass slaughter.”) (note she doesn’t say which article on which day was so lovey-dovey; maybe the paper assumed that people know he’s a murderer and that their readers actually read their entire articles?) and the latter for something he said in the days before the memorial at Fort Hood (“‘They are Americans of every race, every faith and station. They are Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus and nonbelievers,’ he said timidly of those who lost their lives. Yes, the killed and the killer were all the same!”).

You disingenuous bitch. Either you know that you are putting hateful and erroneous words in the POTUS’ mouth — which is a shitty thing for a “journalist” to do — or you actually read that sentence and believe that Obama meant to say that there is no difference between the killer and his victims.

Either way, Mandrea, congratulations on half-assing your way through yet another page of shameful hate.

Yeah… Harvard ain’t what it used to be.

Eliot Spitzer will be delivering a lecture there today.

On ethics.

I guess they didn’t want to wait for Junior Gotti’s exoneration.

Dominick Dunne’s new book lets the world in on one of the mock shockingest secrets ever: He was gay!

O.M.G.

Next you’ll tell me that Anderson Cooper’s gay!

According to Page Six (today on page 19), Levi Johnston told Life & Style magazine, “If I’m a gay icon, so be it. I guess it’s a compliment.”

You betcha.

Ivan Reitman has agreed to direct Ghostbusters 3.

The screenplay is being written by 2 of the 3 guys responsible for Year One (Harold Ramis was the third).

In spite of this, I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for a fun movie.

James Cap has just been awarded the right to get a firearms ID, which will allow him to buy a gun to go hunting with.

James Cap is a quadriplegic.

“He plans to mount the gun on his wheelchair and operate it with a breathing tube.”

(waves miniature American flag)

There is a coupon on page 40 for a free tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts (with accompanying photo) and I may never stop throwing up.

A 14-year-old girl lied about her age online. An 18-year-old boy flew to NYC from Belgium to meet up with her. They stayed at a hotel together.

He’s now under arrest. The girl repeatedly explained to the police that he had no idea that he was committing a crime. The police say it doesn’t matter.

Welcome to America, Anthony Freson!

Governor Paterson and the Legislature have agreed to close a loophole that currently exists in our laws.

Apparently, if you are convicted of murder or child-sexual assault for a second time, you can apply time served for the previous conviction (meaning that your 20-year sentence would be a 10-year sentence if you apply the 10-year sentence you already served).

That this was ever a part of our laws is repulsive. And it took a lame duck blind man to fix it.

I wonder what other charming loopholes are out there…

The televisual equivalent of fiddling while Rome burns.

People are watching less TV. Ad sales are down. Ad revenue is down. So what do the major networks decide to do?

Charge affiliates to air their programming.

Bad enough that you’re making them air The Jay Leno Show (which is destroying the local news’ ratings at 11:00 in most major markets) fove nights a week, but now they have to pay you for the privilege, NBC?

Storm’s a-comin’…

As of Tuesday, Disney’s A Christmas Carol has grossed $34,074,706.

And it cost roughly $200,000,000 to make.

I hope Disney kept their receipt from their purchase of Marvel.

That’s a good price for 12 pounds of nutmeg!

Manhattan’s first Costco will open today on 116th Street (just off the FDR).

Huge savings! Huge store! Huge bottles of balsamic vinegar!

And it will only cost you $50 to become a member. And that’s just for a 1-year membership. You’ll be paying them $50 every year. Just to shop there. It’s like a personal seat license, but to shop for groceries.

What a great scam.

Either people at the New York Post read my blog and are trying to drive me crazy by sporadically using my words or I’m crazy for thinking that.

Heidi Montag and Spencer (the) Pratt “co-wrote” a “book” called How To Be Famous. Christina Amoroso’s review is preceded by an intro that ends “The Post read the book — so you don’t have to — and picked out a few of the best tidbits.”

If I ever see the word “b’also” in the Post, I will climb a belltower.

I might have considered seeing 2012. But when its movie poster includes the prominently displayed “FEATURING ‘TIME FOR MIRACLES’ BY ADAM LAMBERT” I have to wonder if there has ever been a single human being who saw one of these announcements and thought, “I like that song! I’m going to pay $11 to hear it while the credits roll at the end of this movie!”

And now I’m considering waiting to rent it.

On December 22, 2012.

(come on, Apocalypto!)

The Knicks are now 1-8. They’ve won just one more game than I have, but they’ve played 9 games and I’ve played none.

Knowing that this bothers Spike Lee makes me happy.


The Detroit Tigers are prepared to trade Curtis Granderson.

Well, we probably won’t see Damon again (thanks to his agent) and Matsui would jump on a multi-year contract that guaranteed him time in the outfield (which I don’t think the Yankees will offer him), so unless Nady is healthy again (and willing to come back for cheap), we might just need an outfielder. And you could do a lot worse than Granderson.

Kelsey Grammer’s new sitcom (Hank) has been cancelled.

I guess people like Dr. Frasier Crane, but not Kelsey Grammer.

Linda Stasi, dimwit.

“If you are one of the tens of fans of the 1960s cult series The Prisoner…”

Tens of fans? Tens? Why do you think it’s being remade, you simpleton? That series was ahead of its time (which still might not have arrived yet) and brilliant. I bet more people have watched that show, and enjoyed it, than know who Linda Stasi is.

Wrap your tens of brain cells around that.

The end.

The weekend is roughly 29 hours away, kids! Hang in there!

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