How do you follow up the worst edition of the Post in recent memory? Well, how about a fake front page story?

The headline reads JETER, YA BUM! and the contextual Yanks’ biggest star falls on hard times helps to explain why Derek Jeter is dressed like a bum (complete with long filthy hair!) on the front page. What could possibly have happened to him in the last week?

Oh. He has a part in the new Will Ferrell movie (The Other Guys). He plays “a fictionalized version of himself” — as a bum. Not since he briefly appeared as himself in Anger Management has there been a news story this important. And from the looks of the other papers on the newsstand — who have actual news on their covers — the Post seems to have an exclusive! Congratulations! Pages 1, 4 and 5 have been used to their full potential today!

Page 2 is about how Bloomberg used some of that $100,000,000 (he could have paid for half of Disney’s A Christmas Carol!) to send thank you letters to every absentee ballot user in this past election. Including one person in Africa. He’s, um, very rich.

Page 3 tells us that Jill Green, the producer of Foyle’s War (the British TV show that Honeysuckle Weeks appears on) is delighted that Bloomberg has a crush on Weeks and says that, if they ever get around to shooting an episode in America, “perhaps we can lure him in for a ’starring role’ as one of the murder victims!”

Man, I can’t wait to read about some news!

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Lil’ Kim is being sued for $20,000. That’s what a British club promoter paid her to appear at “events.”

She kept the money but never showed up. First she blamed her absence on a nose bleed. Now she’s blaming “incompetence by the promoters.”

The fact that they hired her kind of makes her case for her.

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Oh, 24-hour news cycle, you so premature.

That hero cop lady who shot and killed Hasan (the Post ran yet another full-page story yesterday about how heroic and terrific she is) turns out to not be the person who killed Hasan. That would be her Black partner, Sgt. Mark Todd. Why would the director of emergency service at Fort Hood tell everyone that Sgt. Kimberly Munley (and ONLY Munley) was responsible for the neutralization of Hasan if it wasn’t the truth?

Probably for the same reason that that soldier started Twatting during the shootout about how it was three guys (instead of just one) and how someone got shot in the balls (not sure this was ever verified). It’s because getting it first is more important than getting it right. In the time it takes to corroborate the things being said about the shootout (leading to a single front-page story), a newspaper (that didn’t care about being a good newspaper) could run whatever they want to and, when the truth contradicts them, they can “update” the story with “breaking news.”

Is Kimberly Munley a hero? Absolutely. Is Mark Todd a hero? Absolutely. Does it matter who fired the bullet that killed Hasan? Absolutely not.

Unless, of course, you’ve been crediting the wrong person for a week.

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Bloomberg (him again?) likes the restaurants in Brooklyn. He frequents Stone Park Cafe in Park Slope (if I were a billionaire, I’d eat there, too!). The Post recommends 5 other restaurants in Kings County that are worth checking out. None of them are near us.

Boo.

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That’s what you get for watching Jay Leno.

Brooke Hundley cried on Good Morning America (which is still missing a comma), recalling how a joke Jay Leno made about her was her “breaking point.”

The “joke” was a photo of Hundley and a photo of Steve Phillips’ wife and Jay saying, “What was he thinking? I realize you can’t have steak every day, but please.”

Give that man the 10:00 p.m. slot every night of the working week! He’s hilarious!

Bonus points: In reporting this, the Post managed to not refer to Hundley as “chubby, frumpy, dumpy, plump, uggo, uggles, ugmo, homely, unpleasantly-shaped or husky.” Such restraint is a mitzvah!

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People are starting to say that Lou Dobbs didn’t quit — he was fired. The Post, however, is saying that Lou’s agent asked CNN to release Lou from his contract because he wants to go “the opinion route.”

I ask this with all sincerity: What do you call what you’ve been doing for the last few years, Mr. Birther McIhatemexicans?

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The McDonald’s located at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp is now hiring.

So… I guess we are still torturing people there.

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Dr. Ben Ramaley paid a $10,000 fine in 2008. And in 2009, he willingly forfeited his New York medical license.

Why? Because in 2002, a White woman and a Black man asked the fertility doctor to inseminate the woman with the man’s sperm. He agreed and did so on numerous occasions. Then she gave birth to twins who were completely White. DNA tests in 2004 proved that the father wasn’t the father. They sued Ramaley, believing that he used his own semen to impregnate the woman.

So. If you live in Connecticut and have a child that looks like a gay(er) Theodore J. Mooney, call the police ASAP.

I wonder if his defense is that he didn’t think it would be fair to create a mixed-race baby, like that former justice of the peace in Louisiana…

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Chris Dodd is trailing in the polls… behind Vince McMahon’s wife.

Oof.

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And… DID Bill Owens beat Doug Hoffman in NY-23? Maybe not, says the Post. Owens won by 3,000 votes, but there are close to 10,000 that haven’t been counted!

Stay tuned!

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According to Page Six (today on page 22), Levi Johnston’s manager/bodyguard (not a joke) Tank Jones contacted M2 (it’s a club in NYC) and offered to bring Levi there for $3,000. M2 declined.

Tank came back with a counter to their offer of “go away” — $1,800.

M2’s counter-counter-offer: “a table with a round of soft drinks.”

Soon, we’ll all see Levi’s penis!

(waves miniature American flag)

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Michael Lohan is still releasing tapes. Dina and Lindsay are still calling him names.

Won’t someone think of Ali and her ugly brother whose name I forget?

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RadarOnline has caught TMZ stealing their exclusives.

Which makes RadarOnline the lesser of two evils.

(at least until they post some more of Michael Lohan’s recordings)

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According to the-not-yet-deceased-for-some-reason Cindy Adams, Donny Osmond refers to his purple socks as “magic talismans” (what is it with Mormons and undergarments?), Frankie Muniz is afraid of sushi and Kirsten Dunst takes her old brown security blanket wherever she goes. Cindy also tells us that Lou Dobbs is “brilliant” and “fearless.”

Cindy is a national treasure. And Nicolas Cage needs to solve the clues in order to save her from destruction.

She’s just. That. Old.

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Richard and Mayumi Heene will plead guilty to some charges to avoid the possible deportation of Mayumi.

I really hope there’s jail time. And a sizable fine.

And a punch in the face for Dick.

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Mandrea Peyser went to Harvard yesterday to hear Eliot Spitzer’s speech (ETHICS FROM PIG MAN ON CAMPUS).

“‘Andrea?’ he shouted, as if greeting an old pal. ‘Did you fly or drive?’ he wanted to know, a bizarre query for which I didn’t know the correct answer.”

There is no further context. Mandrea doesn’t know how she arrived in Massachusetts — and proudly shares her stupidity with her audience. What a guy.

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Over in the opinion section (also known as The New York Post), Bill O’Reilly tells us Obama’s Problem With Reality (spoiler: he doesn’t agree with Bill O’Reilly), and reader Alice Lemos asks “What alternate world is Obama living in? If Obama wants to know why Hasan did what he did, he needs to recall the shout ‘Allahu akbar’ as he struck” (he did what he did because God is great?).

Opinions are like assholes — sometimes they smell horrible.

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Twitter usage fell 4 mnth of Oct, aftr alsofalling n Aug. OMG! isUSAgttng smrtr? LOLZ!

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Lou Lumenick gives the 157-minute 2012 3 stars (“great fun”) and The Fantastic Mr. Fox 3 1/2 stars (“gorgeous and witty”).

Kyle Smith gives Pirate Radio (the movie formerly known as The Boat That Rocked) 3 stars (“the finest rock movie since Almost Famous“) and The Messenger 1 star (“a shouty, shoddy bore” and a “piece of flummery”).

V.A. Musetto gives Dare 2 1/2 stars, so it’s safe to assume that there are no Asian breasts in the movie.

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Former Yankee John Wetteland, the MVP of the 1996 World Series was rushed to a hospital yesterday after a woman called the police. She said she was afraid that Wetteland was going to try to kill himself and, when police arrived, Wetteland told them that he “needed help.”

Let’s hope he gets it.

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Sharon Osbourne wrote on Facebook, “Susan Boyle is a lovely gracious woman, and I took advantage of that by poking fun at her. I would never want to be responsible for hurting Susan.”

Which is why she told her listeners that Boyle had been hit by a “fucking ugly stick” and that she looks like an “asshole.”

Go change your husband’s diapers, Sharon.

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The Who will play at this year’s Super Bowl.

I will give CBS $20 if, to begin their set, David Caruso walks out on stage and removes his sunglasses.

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Linda Stasi reprimands Oprah for her circus-like recent line-ups (O no, you didn’t). She’s especially angry about the chimp-attack victim who was on her show. And on the front page of this paper.

“Tell me what we actually learned by watching the saint of TV take the veil off the face of a blind, massively deformed victim of a feral animal mauling? Nothing, that’s what.”

1) That first sentence isn’t a question.

2) Your outrage would be completely justified… if your article didn’t feature the exact same exploitative photo that this paper ran on their front page the other day (with a Mackenzie Phillips inset for some reason).

3) Comparing Mackenzie Phillips to a circus freak is extremely classy.

4) Get in Cindy’s box and wait for her.

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TGIF, my dizzles! Here comes weekend!