First order of business: Justin Batt of Brooklyn wrote in to the Park Slope Courier to complain about the Joanna P. DelBuono. His letter (the only one that addresses the column) is a proofreader’s nightmare (“This costume is asking for trouble. You dnt [sic] think an African American [sic] child or adult would not be sensitive to this? Come on now. I dnt [sic] think you would support some child dressing up as a KKK member… Hitler… Bin Laden”) but it makes a valid point. Joanna responded.

“It is a sad, sad day when a culture can no longer laugh at itself. This boy did not mean any offense to dress up as an iconic figure from a box of pancake syrup, (Aunt Jemima), [sic] in fact I thought he was quite inventive.”

1) Our “culture” is actually many cultures. There is sometimes friction between these sub-cultures, but (for the most part) we try to get along with each other. When someone puts on blackface, they aren’t laughing at themselves. Just like when Jeff Dunham makes fun of every race and religion — EXCEPT HIS OWN — and claims he’s not a racist. Actually, he’s the textbook definition of a racist. It is a sad, sad day when a fat Italian woman can’t see why a White kid in blackface is offensive.

2) If you can find me a box of pancake syrup, Joanna, I’ll give you $5.

She continues, “President Obama wasn’t mentioned in my article at all, however if a teen had dressed up like him it would have also been appropriate, dressing as a historical figure has always been popularly accepted — just think back to masks of past presidents, [sic] George W. Bush, Richard Nixon, and William ‘Bill’ Clinton. Thanks for reading.”

Are you actually that stupid, Jo? You really can’t see the difference between wearing a MASK and rubbing SHOE POLISH on your face and saying “I’m President Obama!” That’s kind of pathetic.

This week’s column is Shootings in Fort Hood, Texas: it must be a duck and Joanna spells Hasan’s name wrong at every opportunity (Joanna doesn’t know about the Google) and finishes with, “Not for nuthin, [sic] but if the military, the FBI or the CIA ever tells me it’s safe to go in the water, I’m heading to the highest, driest land I can find.”

What if they tell you that you shouldn’t drown yourself in a toilet? What would you do then?

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YESTERDAY

A postcard of the Twin Towers with “Welcome to New York” written on it is the top half of the front page. Beneath it:

NOW DIE!

9/11 fiends coming here for trial — next stop is hell [sic]

The next 4 pages are wall-to-wall criticism of Obama’s decision for these men to stand trial. The sister of one of the murdered pilots of the plane that went into the Pentagon is quoted as saying, “We have a president who doesn’t know we’re at war.” A New York Post editorial says, “Certainly, the decision represents a return to pre-9/11 sensibilities, when terrorism was seen as a law-enforcement issue, to be fought in the courtroom — not on the battlefield. That approach yielded, among other bloody acts, the attacks on the USS Cole, the World Trade Center, the Pentagon — and, quite frankly, last week’s slaughter at Fort Hood.”

Daniel Pearl’s father is angry about the trial saying, “The 21st century saw three shocks. The first was 9/11. The second was the killing of my son. And the third was the shock today.”

Al Santora, whose firefighter son died in the WTC, writes a piece that begins, “When my wife and I heard the news that the five admitted 9/11 terrorists would be coming to New York to stand trial, I wasn’t surprised that President Obama made that move. This seems to be the track record for this administration, to undo everything that was done by President Bush.”

Rudy 9iu11ani says, “I will believe until the day I die that Sept. 11 was an act of war and not just another criminal act. This confirms my worst expectations for the Obama administration, that they would be in denial with regard to the danger of Islamic terrorism.”

Rep. Peter King (R-Long Island) says, “This is as bad of a decision as any president has ever made.”

For some weird reason, I can’t seem to locate the piece that explains and/or defends the actions of the POTUS. Huh.

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They found more water on the moon.

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Lou Dobbs is believed to be running for a Senate seat — in New Jersey.

Against New Jersey’s first Hispanic senator. In a state where 20% of its population was born outside of the United States.

Best of luck, Lou!

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Zsa Zsa Gabor and her crazy husband, Frederic von Anhalt (who insisted that he fathered Anna Nicole Smith’s child), lost up to $10,000,000 in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme.

A $118,000 tax lien has just been filed against Zsa Zsa (who’s 92!). Frederic blubbered, “We might be forced to sell our Bel Air home.”

Goodbye, city life!

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Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan is paralyzed from his waist down.

Which is a shame, because I know a lot of people who want to kick him in the balls (and have him feel it).

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Nicolas Cage’s two homes in New Orleans were auctioned off last week.

I guess he’ll just have to make do with his other 12 houses, his island, his zeppelin, his underground tunnel systems, his submarine, his dinosaur skull and his bio-dome.

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Finnish airline Finnair has a new promotion: Frequent fliers can trade 3,180,000 air miles in for… a boob job. 4,640,000 air miles will get you a facelift.

Now that’s what I call thinking outside of the (black) box!

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Another reason I’m glad we gave up smoking: Spanish customs officials seized over $1,500,000 worth of fake cigarettes. The smokes looked like regular cigarettes, but instead of tobacco, they were filled with… rabbit droppings.

Do I need to tell you that they were manufactured in China? Well, they were.

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GOP chairman Michael Steele has proclaimed that the RNC’s health insurance will no longer cover abortions for its staff.

It will, however, continue to provide Bibles.

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A loss for America

Why NYC terror trial is a major mistake

This piece is written by Kris W. Kobach. Hmmmm… why does that name sound familiar?

Oh! He was a White House Fellow and counsel to Attorney General John Ashcroft from 2001-2003!

Which is why I will now skip to the next editorial, ACORN’S LATEST PATHETIC EXCUSE by Michelle Malkin.

Which is why I will now skip to…

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… the mailbag.

Edward Giuliano of Hicksville is “appalled” at Oprah’s interview with the chimp-maul lady. “Can you imagine Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck interviewing the lady and exposing her face? This country’s left-wingers would be demanding their heads.”

Well crayoned, Eddie.

Bonnie Giordano of Florham Park, New Jersey starts out strong (“How could you put the picture of the woman without a face on your front page?”), but drops the ball in her second and final sentence (“Why would you choose to sensationalize that when you could have put Sgt. Kimberly Munley’s story on the cover?”).

Maybe because the Post knew her story was false?

T. Dennelly of Sayville fumes, “It is an outrage that Sen. Barbara Boxer has described opponents of abortion as radical. If the truth be known, it is just the reverse.”

I agree. She should have called you “tubular.”

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Abercrombie & Fitch reports a 39% drop in profits for their third quarter

Maybe they should turn up the music in their stores…?

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OMG! OMG! OMG! The Post has Sex and the City 2 spoilers!!!

*** Carrie and Mr. Big lose everthing in a Ponzi scheme!

*** Mr. Big moves to London and cheats on Carrie!

*** Carrie’s preggers!

*** Kim Cattrall is actually a 65-year-old gay man with fake breasts!

*** Carrie’s gay friend is marrying his lover and Liza Minnelli is singing “All the Single Ladies” at the reception!

*** Because of the financial downturn, the film’s wardrobe will be “less over-the-top but still stylish.”

I made one of those up. But… which one?

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Lauren Ambrose (who was amazing on Six Feet Under) will be singing at Joe’s Pub this Sunday night with her band, The Leisure Class.

I have no idea how she’ll sound, but I do know that you’ll have a better time watching that than Pandorum, starring her SFU stalker boyfriend, Ben Foster and Dennis Quaid (if Event Horizon and Doom had a baby and then gave it to a chimp to edit, you’d have Pandorum).

Dennis Quaid’s agent is as crazy as Dennis’ brother and sister-in-law.

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The NFL has issued two different $20,000 fines. The first is to the Bears’ Jay Cutler for abusive conduct toward a game official (he thought that interference should have been called during one of his many incomplete passes in the Bears’ 41-21 loss to the Cardinals last Sunday).

Chad Ochocinco also owes the NFL $20,000 because, during an officials’ review of one of his catches, he ran onto the field with a dollar bill. The officials told him to stay away, he did. He didn’t give anyone the dollar, he just held it at his side. And his joke (which you have to admit is funny) will cost him $20,000.

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Derek Jeter on Joe Torre: “I still think very highly of him, but I’m kind of used to not having him around now.”

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ABC has ordered a pilot. It’s an update of Charlie’s Angels, executive-produced by Drew Barrymore.

Ironically, Aaron Spelling signed a deal with Fox in 1988 to produce the Charlie’s Angels update Angels 88, but it never came to fruition.

Man, I hope they update Models Inc. next!

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Linda Stasi reviews a Lifetime movie that she calls Anne Rule’s Everything She Ever Wanted. In the next sentence, she refers to the author of the book it’s based on as “Ann Rule” (she does the same thing in the caption under the photo of Gina Gershon, who stars in it for some reason).

(in Chief Wiggum’s voice) That’s some good reporting, Linda.

(By using the Google, I have deduced that “Ann” is the author’s actual name. So Linda was 66.6% correct!)

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TODAY (following the loveliest brunch I’ve had in weeks)

According to the front page, the Jets (4-4) are assuring their fans that the will make the playoffs this year. They played the Jaguars today. And lost.

The Jets (4-5) will almost definitely not make the playoffs this year.

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A man called 911 because his wife’s water broke. The 911 operator logged the call as a “water leak.”

The fire department arrived, sans medical equipment, and immediately called an ambulance.

Your tax dollars at work.

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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! tells us (incredulously!) that former Governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey is now an assistant to an Episcopal reverend. But they say it in such a pretty way: “The former New Jersey love gov has gone from Turnpike rest stops to the church rostrum as part of his training to become an Episcopal priest…”

Are you gonna write a scathing indictment of the Post for not celebrating religion, Mandrea? Or do you not care about Episcopals?

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Where’s the fake outrage at Obama? I’m already on page 5… oh, here we are.

BAM ON A BENDER reveals the shocking truth about Obama’s trip to Japan: He bowed before the Japanese emperor! Can you imagine? That must mean that he’s a socialist! And that he loves Japan more than America!

Oh, I can already hear Glenn Beck’s manufactured outrage…

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Page 7 includes a checklist of what security measures are being taken for the 9/11 trial. Which I’m sure terrorists will find very handy.

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Michael Goodwin (more like Michael Badwin, am I right?) defends Lou Dobbs (DOBBS MORE CORRECT THAN ‘RIGHT’), ridicules The New York Times for putting a box on the front page that began a nearly 2-page feature about how people like to look out of windows (Times that try men’s souls), and (qu’ell surprise!) rail against Obama (This trial’s an error).

“Take the iconic ‘I Love New York’ poster and plunge a dagger into its heart. That’s what the Obama administration is doing by bringing the mastermind of 9/11 and other terror freaks here for trial.”

Take the kitten in the “Hang in there, baby!” poster and make it drink battery acid and then have sex with its corpse. That’s what Michael Goodwin does every time he sits down at his computer and “writes.”

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Page Six (today on page 14) reports that Paris Hilton is angry at the Kardashian sisters for being more famous than her.

That’s hot.

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Is Art Garfunkel a jerk?

Last March he was doing a poetry reading at a resort & casino in Verona (stop snickering, Paul Simon). He stopped reading twice because a developmentally disabled person in the front row was making noise (who else would be in the front row of a theater in a casino to hear Art Garfunkel read poetry?). Art pleaded with the audience, “I’m as sympathetic as anyone to the handicapped, but I’m trying to do a show.”

The “troublemaker” was wheeled out of the theater.

More recently, he reportedly threw a hissy fit backstage at the 25th anniversary concert for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame when he asks a staffer for a tissue and was given a paper towel. RadarOnline claims that he threw the paper towel at the staffer and shrieked, “I said a tissue!”

I’m leaning towards jerk.

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Cindy Adams’ downward spiral continues. Today she discusses Thanksgiving (I think).

“It’s coming — Thanksgiving, where we all must give thanks. Can’t think up a reason to give thanks? Then, at least be glad you’re not a turkey.”

Get.

“And before you start stuffing your face with holiday treats, be grateful you can still sit in your skintight jeans. As for me, in my skin I can sit. In my jeans, not!”

In.

“Gratitude to: ‘Our Father Which Art in the Ratings’ for the fact that occasionally something’s on that is not reality related.”

The box.

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Page 18 as a half-page story about how Sean-Patrick Hillman (whose accompanying photo refers to him as Patrick-Sean Hillman) and Dr. Jonathan Goldenthal love to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade out of their windows, but can’t now that the route has changed.

No one show this article to Michael Goodwin.

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Matchmaking is not an exact science.

Remember Motty Borger, the man who jumped to his death while on his honeymoon? Turns out that the day before he killed himself, he explained to his new wife (who he met through a matchmaker last July) that he had been molested as a child and couldn’t bear to go near his new bride.

“So why did you marry me?” his wife asked.

“You are absolutely right. It was not right of me to get married,” he replied.

What a shandah.

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Three homeless men in Moscow killed a 25-year-old man, ate part of his corpse and sold other parts to a kebab restaurant.

In America, people eat kebabs and ignore the homeless. In Russia, homeless eat people and ignore kebabs!

(you get off the stage)

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Kyle Smith asks “When will Obama stop lying about the stimulus?” (Con jobs)

I don’t know, Kyle. When will you stop lying about Obama?

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Great photo on page 68 of Spike Lee suffering through the Knick’s 9th loss (in their 10th game of the season).

Nice Yankees hat, Spike.

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So very tired. See you in the a.m.