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Better Late Than Never.

17th November
2009
written by jed

Page 4 is a Macy’s ad (with a $10 Off coupon!).

Pages 10-11 are Macy’s ads.

So is page 12.

Pages 14-15 are Macy’s ads.

So are pages 16-17, 22-23, 24-25, 28-29 and 33.

Fifteen (15) of the first 33 pages in today’s paper are ads for Macy’s.

If you add the full-page Verizon ad on page 20 and the full-page Lord & Taylor ad on page 27, that’s 17 pages out of 33 (or 51.51%) that are ads.

And over two-thirds of the front page is used to announce the latest New York Post sweepstakes: Win one of three polo shirts — custom-made for Bernie Madoff (signal flags and his yacht’s name are embroidered on the front).

This is a horrible, horrible newspaper.

The Hundred Million Dollar Mayor is ordering an across-the-board spending cut of 4% for every city agency in the year 2010 (exceptions: education is losing 1.5% and uniformed forces will lose 2%). For 2011, he’s cutting 8% from every from city agency’s budget (education and uniformed forces will lose 4%).

And, really, this is why we hired him in the first place — the guy is a very successful businessman and he knows how to run New York City as if it were a business. That, and his radiant sexuality.

Proving that it is roughly 5 years behind the curve, the New Oxford American Dictionary has chosen unfriend as the 2009 Word of the Year. You know what two words narrowly lost the title to unfriend (this isn’t a joke)?

Deleb and Tramp stamp.

I have never heard deleb used (it allegedly means “dead celebrity” and I stopped saying “tramp stamp” in college. Over a decade ago.

How cromulent.

Sara Bostwick is suing her wedding photographer for taking photos of her in her underwear (even as she demanded that she stop doing so) and posting them online for the world (and her in-laws) to see.

The photographer, Carolyn Monastra, was rated one of the top ten wedding photographers in the world by American Photo magazine. Yet another reason that you should never ever listen to American Photo (they also really liked Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Radio).

A federal task force has decided that “screening 1,300 women in their 50s to save one life is worth it, but that screening 1,900 women in their 40s to save a life is not.” That’s what Dr. Otis Brawley had to say when he found out that the US Preventive Services Task Force recently concluded that women should wait until they are 50 to get a mammogram and that “breast self-exams do no good and women shouldn’t be taught to do them.”

Not for nuthin’, but socialists don’t have to put up with this shit.

To protest the Sean Bell verdict, City Councilman Charles Barron sat in the middle of Tillary Street  until he was arrested for disorderly conduct. A judge just convicted him of the crime, sentencing him to time served (the six hours he spent in jail after his initial arrest). So, Charles, would you like to apologize to the city for wasting our tax dollars for your traffic-causing publicity stunt?

“Charles Hynes [the Brooklyn DA, whose office prosecuted the case] should be ashamed of himself. He should not be allowed to come into any Black church this January 21st and celebrate Martin Luther King Day.”

Oh, Charles. You so crazy/racist.

Andy Cuomo is beating Davey Paterson in the polls. Guess how much. Go on, guess.

59 points.

I think that Cuomo has a decent shot at being our next governor.

And Paterson couldn’t win if discovered the cure for cancer tomorrow.

Sarah Palin was on Oprah and she proved (yet again) that she doesn’t deserve anyone’s attention. She continues to paint herself as a fearless take-no-prisoners independent maverick… who is victimized by everyone around her. It was SNL’s fault, McCain’s fault, Obama’s fault, Katie Couric’s fault (I loved how when Oprah asked her about Katie’s “what newspapers or magazines do you read” question, Palin whined about how she thought the question implied that Katie thought everyone in Alaska was stupid… but she still — even today! — couldn’t name a single newspaper or magazine that she reads).

If you watched it and found Palin to be articulate or honest or humble, then your name is Trig.

What other despicable waste of oxygen wants to blame others for their own character flaws… why, it’s former CNN employee Lou Dobbs!

He told Bill O’Reilly that he was asked by CNN to go away because of:

a) his wince-inducing views of immigration

b) his insistence that our current POTUS might not be an actual citizen of the US

c) his unpleasant voice/face

d) the network’s desire to kiss Obama’s ass

Did you guess a, b or c?

Then you’re wrong. CNN decided to not take sides (MSNBC is too left, Fox is too right, but CNN is middle-of-the-road-tastic!) in the hopes of currying favor with the new administration.

O’Reilly, who is as fair and balanced as they come (on Fox), ended the interview perfectly.

BO’R: “Final queston, Barack Obama, is he the devil?”

LD: “He’s not the devil, but he is certainly a man who is right now not making it easy to understand why he’s making the public-policy choices that he is.”

And then they incredulously wonder why Obama won’t go on their horrible network.

Paterson found out that he’s behind Cuomo by 59 points and decided to jump on the “don’t have the 9/11 trial in NYC” bandwagon. On Friday, he said of the decision to hold the trial here, “that’s a decision that the federal government made, and our job is to help them.” Yesterday, his tune changed to “having those terrorists tried so close to the attack is going to be an encumbrance on all of New Yorkers.”

He also said of the 9/11 attack, “We’re still having trouble getting over it.”

But I’m pretty sure he meant to say “building” instead of “getting.”

Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan frequented a strip club in Killeen, Texas in the days leading up to his rampage. One stripper said of him, “You know, he tipped every girl as she came off the stage after her dance. He was a really good tipper.”

Do radical Islamic terrorists go to strip clubs? And tip well? If only Obama would just jump to a conclusion already!

Robin Wright Penn is now Robin Wright. Please make a note of it.

Anthony Michael Hall has been ordered to stay away from his ex-girlfriend Diana Falzone, who he dated for a year. Diana (who is a “relationship columnist for the Huffington Post”) filed for a restraining order because she says Hall “stalked her and attacked her in her New York apartment.”

Her lawyer told the judge that Hall would call her every damn night and the judge said, “You called her every night? On the telephone?” and Hall said, “On the telephone? What’s he mean ‘on the telephone,’ course it was on the telephone!” And then Bill Paxton turned into a monster.

Page Six (today on page 19) refers to the show that Olivia Wilde co-stars on as “the Fox comedy House.”

Granted, we laugh at least 5 times an episode, but is it really a comedy?

The bad news: A 94-year-old man (Reynold Smith of Albany) was pulled over on Route 17 in Windsor (just east of Binghamton) for driving the wrong way (for several miles).

The good news: He wasn’t drunk or on drugs, he didn’t have children in his car and no one died.

Cindy Adams tells us that St. Martin’s Press will soon be publishing a 320-page book called The Lies of Sarah Palin: The Untold Story Behind Her Relentless Quest for Power by Geoffrey Dunn. Dunn promises to reveal (among many other things) “lots on her extremist ‘End of Days’ religious beliefs” and the “inner circle of DC power brokers, neocons, [and] right-wing Christians who are running her.”

But, unless Dunn includes some word finds and/or stickers, I doubt he’ll get any dissenters to read it, let alone change their minds.

Poor Benito Mussolini.

His previously unpublished diaries are being made into a book called Secret Mussolini. My favorite quote (from August 1938): “I have been a racist since 1921. I don’t know how they can think I’m imitating Hitler.”

Poor Bunny Toes.

True story: Obama’s recent anti-censorship statements (regarding Internet freedom) that he made in China were censored by the Chinese government.

24-year-old Tao Weishuo (who doesn’t want to be killed by the Chinese government) said of the event, “I strongly disagree with what Obama said about the Internet firewall. I think all Chinese people have Internet freedom — we can speak out freely on the Internet about current social affairs.”

Then he leaned into the bug that the government placed on his lapel and added, “But it would be wrong.”

Democrats are floating a new bill in the State Assembly that would “make it a felony to drive while intoxicated when a child under 15 is in the car.”

Isn’t it wonderful that so many people are doing this that we have to make this into a law?

Dennis Rodman had his room in Berlin, Germany comped by the organizers of a basketball game he played in there.

But they didn’t agree to pay for the party he threw in his room. Which is why Rodman was detained by police until he ponied up the money for his $5,100 beverage tab.

Dennis, expect a fruit basket from the Quaids.

At 6:40 p.m. on a Saturday evening in June, Anthony Negron, 32, got into an argument with a man at the 59th Street subway station on the Lexington Avenue line.

So he slashed the man across the neck and stabbed him twice in the side. The man required 70+ stitches.

They caught Anthony on November 10th. His victim IDed him.

Enjoy prison, Anthony!

I just noticed that my pharmacy closed 10 minutes ago. I had to pick up a prescription for Teresa (they only had some of the pills this morning, so they gave me one and I brought it to her at work, figuring I’d get the rest after their delivery came in at 5:00).

I ran as fast as I could to the pharmacy. They were locking up, but since my wife and I are putting their kid through college, they let me in and sold me some pharmaceuticals. I am still breathing heavily.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled snark.

Wayne Corliss used to dress up as Santa Claus for children’s parties. He won’t be doing that anymore.

In May of 2008, a worldwide manhunt led Interpol to Wayne’s apartment in Union City, New Jersey. Wayne will be in prison for up to 20 years now.

Apparently, Wayne liked to go to Thailand to have sex with young boys.

Duh-NUUUUUUUUUH-nuh (HEY!) duh-nuh-na-nuh-na-nuh-NUUUUUUUUUUH-nuh (HEY!)…

Babylon!

Douglas Hopkins used to work at the Babylon Carraige House Restaurant on Long Island (a year ago, give or take). He returned to his former workplace at 11:00 p.m. last Sunday and had a “drunken meltdown.”

He punched a computer, he broke some office equipment and he started a bonfire on the stove with some linen napkins.

So his former boss locked him in the restaurant.

The fire was extinguished and the drunken moron was arrested.

I and I found this funny.

This is sad, but it’s also kind of ridiculous.

Nathan Lagree, 75, was in his Queens home when he heard an explosion. He and his daughter, Patricia, went to the basement to investigate and found the boiler and/or furnace engulfed in flames. Nathan helped Patricia and his wife of 40 years, Betty (who has trouble walking), get to safety. All three of them made it out alive and relatively unscathed.

Then Nathan decided to go back in to get his cell phone. He never came out.

This reminds me of the old joke about the Jewish woman whose son is swept out to sea and she begs God for his return and the boy is deposited safely back on shore by a giant wave and the mother looks up at God and says, “He had a hat.”

Boy, people are really angry that Obama bowed in Japan. I mean really angry.

Robert Whitlock of Danbury, Connecticut writes in to say, “The photo showing President Obama practically falling over while bowing to the Emperor of Japan makes me sick. I suppose his next move will be to apologize for World War II and the attack on Pearl Harbor. Obama is the President of the United States; he should act like it.”

No, Robert, his next move will be to apologize to the world for people like you. You betcha.

Bob Mantz, Jr. of Princeton, New Jersey says, “We’ve already come to the opinion that our current president is an American apologetic who has no idea how to be a tough guy. And then this? A deferential bow? Unless a sumo match followed, his gesture was disgraceful.”

Disgraceful? You use of an adjective as a noun is disgraceful (the word is apologist, dummy). That people are mad because Obama wasn’t enough of a “tough guy” or that he dared to show respect to an ally is disgraceful. If you were made the CEO of an international company whose last CEO told the entire world to go fuck themselves, you’d probably feel the need to show a little deference to the folks outside our borders.

But the truly stupid don’t write letters to the Post — they write for the Post!

Rich Lowry’s STRIKING BACK lovingly defends the precious flower that is Sarah Palin. “The Associated Press unleashed 11 fact checkers on her new book, Going Rogue, for a thoroughly tendentious critical examination.”

Hey, Rich? Most folks who write books? They send out review copies, giving critics and newspeople a chance to read it, do some research on it, make some calls to clear up discrepancies… Sarah Palin, like the producers of  Saw VI before her, didn’t want critics to see her book before it went on sale. She knows (even though she didn’t write it) that the sooner people with the ability to tie their shoes get a chance to read her “book,” the sooner they’ll be able to explain why her facts aren’t facts and that the spiteful blame she assigns to everyone whose name isn’t Palin is completely undeserved. The Associated Press assigned 11 people to fact-check it because a) no 1 person should ever have to read that entire “book” and b) with Sarah Palin, you can’t assume anything she says is the truth (she seems to have lied in her “book” about when she knew about her impending grandchild and who else knew — wink!).

There’s more, but I’m tired of people trying to defend this disingenuous idiot against liberal attacks basic questions. That Rush Limbaugh calls this “book” “one of the most substantive policy books I’ve read” lends credibility to my theory that the Limbaughs and Palins and Becks say things like this to flabbergast the opposition, who will never be able to coherently explain why it’s so blatantly false and ridiculous– making them appear weak to the flag-waving who watch them stutter in soundbites on Fox News.

Let’s talk about anything else!

Attention Xbox Live users! If you are one of the estimated 1,000,000 folks using “modified consoles” then you need a new Xbox.

Microsoft just permanently banned you from participating in Xbox Live (try logging on to their site).

In a related story, if you want a used Xbox — but have no interest in Xbox Live — take a gander on eBay and Craigslist. There are a lot of “refurbished” consoles being offered now for a lot less than you’d expect.

(that noise Pac-Man made when he touched a ghost)

Chuck Palahniuk was interviewed about the new 10th-anniversary DVD of Fight Club (he must not have heard what Mandrea Peyser said about him and his short story in Playboy… or that Lou Lumenick called Fight Club “one of the most homoerotic movies I’ve ever seen.”) by Kyle Smith.

In another article (about using certain movies as a test of your compatibility with someone), he says, “I gave up long ago since girls have so many reasons they don’t want to see a cool movie… too foreign, too weird, ‘I don’t like war,’ etc.”

Did you ever consider that maybe it wasn’t the “cool movie” that was the problem, Kyle?

Three freshman football players at the University of Tennessee were arrested last week for the attempted armed robbery of a convenience store near the school. All three students were recruited by the coach, Lane Kiffin.

Kiffin has permanently dismissed two of those players (which makes me think that the third kid must be really good).

B’also? Turns out a fourth player on the team was arrested for shoplifting on November 7th and is due in court on the 23rd of this month.

I’d imagine the Dallas Cowboys are sending their best scouts to Tennessee…

The Buffalo Bills : the NFL :: Job : The Bible

The Bills have fired their head coach (they’re 3-6 for the season — that’s still ongoing). They probably won’t make the playoffs. Their fans continue to be depressed and die of hypothermia. And yet, Bud Adams (the owner of the Tennessee Titans) needed to rub it in more.

Last week, the Titans beat the Bills (in Tennessee) 41-17. While watching the game in his luxury suite and later — as he stood on the field — he gave the Bills and their fans the finger. The NFL has fined him $250,000.

“I do realize that those types of things shouldn’t happen. I need to specifically apologize to the Bills, their fans, our fans and the NFL,” the 86-year-old bird-flipper offered.

Yeah yeah yeah… just write the check.

Allen Iverson played three (3) games with the Memphis Grizzlies this year. His contract has been termintaed.

The Knicks (1-9) are considering hiring him. Which made me feel like posting this:

I know it’s old, but I’ve been singing “How the Hell can I make my teammates better by practice?” all day.

Are the Yankees really thinking about trading Joba for Curtis Granderson?!?

I have to think about this.

Over in the TV section, an anonymous “Post staff writer” has crafted a gem titled ‘TBL’ lives on.

“The Beautiful People, the Mischa Barton series that was canceled after just two episodes, will get a last gasp this summer.”

It goes on to explain that the producers posted on the show’s Facebook page that the CW will air the other 7 episodes in June. I decided that I had to see how many people were “friends” with this show. But I couldn’t find it on Facebook. Can YOU figure out why?

That’s right. The show is (was?) called The Beautiful Life. That’s why the headline calls it TBL. Well done, anonymous!

Anyhoodles, a little e-detective work and voíla.

There’s a fan page with 396 fans.

There’s a group with 600 members, but the page is in French.

There are two other groups for the show — one has 192 members, the other has 44.

Wow. I think tuberculosis has more fans than this show.

In other What’s An Editor? news, Linda Stasi discusses an HBO documentary about the Mumbai massacre  of November 2008. “This whole crazy scenario would be totally discounted if it was a story told by eyewitnesses, but in this special, it is instead a story played out in real time via hundreds of cell phones, Tweets and IMs all over the world as it was happening. Goodbye Roshamon, hello real life.”

Close, Linda. It’s Rashomon. Have another drink.

It’s official. Ken Ober is dead. They’re saying heart attack. He was 52.

RIP, Ken.

What’s on TV tonight?

At 8:00 p.m., you can watch the remake of V on WABC, the remake of 90210 on WPIX or the remake of The Prisoner on AMC. If you prefer your remakes to be of the TV-to-film variety, there’s S.W.A.T. on FX and Richie Rich on ABCFAM. On the film-to-TV front, we have Merry Madagascar on NBC.

500 channels and nothing’s on.

I was about to sign off, but I just noticed a movie on the Lifetime Movie Network at 10:00 p.m. It’s called My Baby is Missing (2006) and it was given 1 1/2 stars. It is accompanied by a two-word phrase and I can’t decide if it’s a plot summary or a criticism of the film. The phrase is:

Stillborn tragedy.

G’night, Cleveland!

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