I just walked in with today’s paper and a cup of extremely hot coffee (I only put in a teeny bit of milk). As I walked through our living room and into the bedroom, I saw a dwarf standing there and I almost dropped my mug.

Turns out it was a shirt that Teresa had hung on her dresser on top of my suit bag (which, if you see it out of the corner of your eye and there’s a shirt on top of it, looks like pantaloons).

A quick blow on my dwarf whistle proved irrevocably that there are no dwarves in my house. Yet.

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Three headlines, all with photos, vie for my attention on the front page. The innocent victim of a dirty street war shows a smiling Vada Vasquez, 15, who is now “clinging to life” after being hit in the head with a stray bullet. Is this guy a bank robber? shows Khalid Sheik Mohammed’s mug shot and promises an answer from Michael Goodwin on page 13 (let me guess: No, he isn’t, he’s a terrorist and he should be tried as a terrorist. Did I win, Mike?). But the biggest headline today is JACKO CURSE.

Apparently, Evan Chandler, 65, “endured 17 years of torment after his young son claimed Jacko molested him — and got $20 million to shut up — killed himself with a bullet to the brain in his Jersey City bedroom.” Which proves, according to the Post that “Michael Jackson is haunting people in death.”

In summation: A 15-year-old was accidentally shot in the head, a 65-year-old intentionally shot himself in the head, and Michael Goodwin can’t stop swallowing his foot.

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Benjamin Uzomah, Jr., the 25-year-old man who has been accused of stalking Ryan Seacrest, has been ordered to stay at least 100 yards away from him.

Benjamin Uzomah, Sr. must be so proud.

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According to a Marist poll, 45% of New York City residents think that trying Khalid Sheik Mohammed and pals here (as criminals, not terrorists) is a good idea. 41% think it’s a bad idea. In a national Washington Post/ABC News poll, 47% of the respondents thought the 9/11 defendants should be tried in the courts, 48% preferred military tribunals (how much you want to bet that at least 35% of that 48% don’t actually know what a military tribunal is?).

But Rasmussen claims that 51% of Americans are AGAINST the 9/11 folks being tried anywhere in the United States (even at a military tribunal?), while only 29% agree with the Obama administration’s decision.

This is why I find it wise to ignore polls.

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Lynne Stewart, the misshapen 70-year-old lawyer who helped her terrorist clients communicate with their followers from behind bars, is due to go to prison (she was convicted and sentenced to 28 months in 2006, but appellate judges have been trying to get that sentence lengthened [which, ironically, has prevented her from going to prison], but we still don’t know when.

Prosecutors originally asked for 30 years. When her sentence was handed down, she scoffed, “I can do that standing on my head.”

I say we make her prove it. For at least 28 months.

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Rep. John Shadegg (R-Ariz.) has outdone himself.

Rather than hold up someone else’s baby and claim that the baby is opposed to health reform (so classy), he’s now decided to turn his attention toward the 9/11 trial — and he’s letting his own words speak for themselves (but he’s still victimizing other people’s children).

You hear that, Bloomberg? “This is political correctness run amok.”

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Queens & Brooklyn) nicely countered Shadegg’s bullshit.

That Shadegg is a bad egg.

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More confusing polling!

46% of Americans are FOR the health-care bill passed by the House, 49% are AGAINST it.

But of that 49%, 10% says that they’re against the bill because it isn’t liberal enough.

B’also? 30% of all respondents said the bill is too liberal.

And 26% of all respondents asked the pollster “will I be on the T.V.?” with an emphasis on the “T.”

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The 15-year-old who was hit by a stray bullet is the 10th such victim in 2009. Of those 10 cases, only 4 have since been solved.

Good to know that there are politicians (all Republicans, natch) who want to allow (more) mentally unstable people to become gun owners.

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Heeeeeeeeere’s Goodwin!

Borrowing a page from Sarah Palin, who loves to use the word “commonsense” despite “havingnone,” Goodwin writes, “Yet the greatest argument against the trials is not legal, financial or logistical. It is the commonsense desire to do everything and anything to prevent another attack on our city. Quite simply, it is unforgivable malpractice for elected officials to support the decision if they believe it raises the risk even a little. As Paterson said, New York is still coming back from 9/11. Could we come back from another attack? We are foolish even to take a chance on finding out.”

1) Not for nuthin’, but if you constantly live in fear of terrorists and change your actions in anticipation of what they may or may not do? They win. A retarded cowboy told me that in 2001.

2) Are you implying that New Yorkers aren’t strong enough to handle another terrorist attack? Well, then, on behalf of all of New York, go fuck yourself you fear-mongering troll. You are foolish even to suggest such a thing.

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Lots of doctors are coming out against the 10-year raising of the age to get a mammogram.

Fun fact: Late detection of breast cancer is the third top cause of malpractice litigation in the United States.

Maybe by changing the age to 50, enough women will die that the number of malpractice claims will ultimately lower?

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Is Cindy Adams finally starting to understand?

She went to Elton John’s AIDS fundraiser and perceived herself as persona non grata.

“Anderson Cooper was in an elegant navy suit. Asked about Lou Dobbs, he backed off not like I had swine flu, but like I was the Swine.”

“I asked the Food Network’s Sandra Lee is she marrying Andrew Cuomo — and she left me flat. I asked Daniel Craig how he relaxes after those tense scenes on Broadway, and he murmured: ‘Want a quote, I’ll give you a fucking quote’ and said: ‘I drink a lot and take narcotics.’ He, too, then walked away.”

Take the hint(s); get in the box.

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Sy Syms, 83, has passed away.

The funeral home handling his burial told reporters that “an educated corpse is our best customer.”

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The Chinese Honor Guard is the best of the best of China’s armed forces.

In other Obama-in-Asia news, Dick Cheney told Politico.com, “There is no reason for an American president to bow to anyone.”

Hurry up and die, war criminal.

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes named their daughter Suri.

In Japanese, Suri means “pickpocket.”

In Italian, it means “horse mackerel.”

In French, it means “turned sour.”

In English, it means “contractual obligation.”

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Michelle Malkin (with nary a sliver of irony) compares Obama to the Chinese government in The President’s Speech Suppressors.

“Obama has a state-media police apparatus the Chinese regime itself could love.”

But who could love you, you lying Doherty-faced joke?

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Any Muslims left in our armed forces? Well, Bob McManus’ Soldiers Know might help you reconsider.

“And while Gen. Casey’s plaintive defense of ‘diversity’ may work with the general public, he’s not fooling the folks in the ranks. They know better, because their lives are on the line. And they’re waiting for Strike Three.”

Strike One was Sgt. Hasan Akbar.

Strike Two was Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan.

So, if you are a Muslim in our armed forces, you’re being watched closely by your fellow soldiers. They’re waiting for you to show your true colors because “they know better” than to trust you.

(throws miniature American flag into waste basket)

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Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein is offering $500,000,000 ($100,000,000 a year for 5 years) “to provide education, technical aid and capital to 10,000 small businesses” as a mea culpa for their role in the financial crisis. The accompanying photo of the CEO is captioned:

BLANKFEIN

Wears Sachs-cloth.

Why does the Post hate Jews?

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Over 14,700 Americans have stepped forward to admit that they have offshore bank accounts.

Score one for the middle class.

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The Nets are now 0-11.

Does Brooklyn have to take them?

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Bob Saget is returning to TV!

A&E has ordered 7 episodes of Bob Saget’s Strange Days, a reality show that will follow Saget as he interacts with biker gangs and Amish teenagers and fraternities and mail-order brides and I’ve already changed the channel.

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Congratulations to Allison Silverman (one of TV’s smartest and funniest writers) on her NYWIFT Muse Award!

I have no idea what that is, but she’s awesome and deserves as many awards as possible.

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Aaron Carter owes the IRS over $1,000,000. He hasn’t paid taxes since 2003.

That means that Tom DeLay wasn’t the only criminal competing on Dancing With the Stars this season!

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That’s Wednesday for ya. See you tomorrow. Stay classy.