Archive for November 19th, 2009

Nice.

19th November
2009
written by jed

PHOTO EXCLUSIVE!

Today’s front page is a full-page photo of Derek Jeter (in a swimsuit!) and Minka Kelly (in a swimsuit!) in St. Bart’s.

The “story” continues on page 2. And page 3. The first three pages of today’s paper are of “Jeter & beach babe in paradise” with a total of six (6) EXCLUSIVE photos and the double-page banner headline JETER HAVING A BEACH BALL.

I guess nothing more exciting happened yesterday than Jeter and his girlfriend going swimming in St. Bart’s.

Pages 4 and 5 are devoted entirely to the story of Vada Vasquez, the 15-year-old who was shot in the head, and the five “people” that have been arrested and charged with the crime. They are: Dwayne Taylor, 23, who was arrested in April 2006 for kicking down his girlfriend’s door and beating her in front of her children; Rohan Francis, 18, who has two sealed juvenile arrests (from 2007 and 2008) and has also been arrested for possession of a loaded handgun (November 2008), criminal trespass (February 2009) and gun and marijuana possession (June 2009); Cleve Smith, 20, who was arrested in June 2007 for selling marijuana to an undercover cop and again in October 2009 for assaulting a police officer; Clivie Smith, 19, who was arrested in March 2007 for firing a gun at another person and at NYPD officers, and again in September 2007 for smoking marijuana in public, and again in April 2008 for selling crack to an undercover cop, and again in June 2009 for beating a woman; and last (and possibly least) we have the alleged shooter of Vada, Carvett Gentles, 16, who had never been arrested before yesterday.

Vada remains in “critical but stable condition in a medically induced coma.”

The mother of Gentles has expressed her condolences to Vasquez’s family, but the mother of Clivie and Cleve insists “my sons did not do this, my babies didn’t do that.” Cleve concurs, telling reporters, “I ain’t do shit. We’re innocent. They’re setting us all up.”

Unfortunately for them, I don’t think these punks are telegenic enough to warrant The Fat Reverend Al’s involvement. Which means they’re all going far, far away.

Wake up soon, Vada.

Page 6? Full-page ad for Macy’s.

Page 7 has a feature on a new study that shows (are you sitting down?) that movie theater food isn’t good for you.

Regal’s large popcorn & soda combo is 1,700 calories, AMC’s is 1,440 calories and Cinemark’s is 1,320.

In fact, says the study, the 1,610 calories in Regal’s medium popcorn/soda combo (there’s only a 90-calorie difference between medium and large?!?) is the equivalent of eating “six scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese, four bacon strips and four sausage links.”

B’also? None of these calorie-counts include the “butter topping” (add at least another 200 calories for that).

They didn’t analyze the popcorn at The Pavilion, though, which I will continue to assume is 100 calories per bucket.

Now I’m on pages 8 and 9 and it’s becoming clear to me that there won’t be an article on THIS. Which is a shame (though the topless pictures of Jeter were hot!). What there is, though, is two pages of BAM’S BIG OOPS ON TERROR.

Tragic kin’s heat on Holder tells of some relatives of 9/11 victims who, while not fans of Holder’s plans to try the bad guys in NYC, went to Washington, DC to attend a Senate hearing and address their concerns to Holder in a calm and rational manner. No swastikas, no pictures of the POTUS with a bone through his nose, no pleas for the tree of liberty to be watered. They spoke to Holder, Holder listened and (even though they didn’t change his mind), they left content. Hmmm. This doesn’t seem like an oops on terror. Let’s try one of the other pieces.

Expert: Bigmouth prez helps defense insists that the decision to hold the trial in NYC has “given defense lawyers ammunition to argue their clients can’t get a fair trial” (bonus points for using “ammunition”). Obama told NBC, “I don’t think it will be offensive at all when he’s convicted and when the death penalty is applied to him.” So, the folks who insist that these people are guilty and don’t deserve a trial are now complaining that they might not get a fair trial. Got it.

Ah! On the opposite page, there’s the story behind Obama’s statement (and the article attached to the banner headline). More importantly, there’s the sentence that follows the quote I posted above: “And then he quickly backtracked, saying he didn’t mean to suggest he was prejudging the self-confessed mass murderer.” It also says that “experienced prosecutors” have assured Obama that “we’ll convict this person with the evidence they’ve got, going through our system.”

Which means that the OOPS that our Bigmouth prez made lasted approximately 5 seconds and that, despite the fear-mongering of people like Shadegg, people who actually know better are comfortable that justice will be done.

But wait! Along comes Charles Hurt with Leaders ‘cower’ amid outrage! He’s still the DC Bureau Chief! And he didn’t read the article on page 6!

“But decorum could not hold yesterday. Not when we are talking about how to execute real, unblinking justice on the animals that plotted the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Tempers flared, people shouted, voices quavered as Attorney General Eric Holder tried explaining to the Senate Judiciary Committee why he decided to hold the terror trial of Khalid Sheik Mohammed in Manhattan. Before unleashing his own withering interrogation of the attorney general, Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) removed his suit jacket and hung it on the back of his chair.”

Fascinating. He hung it, you say? On the back of his chair? And what of his tie? Was it loosened?

The man who has made it his mission to shit on anything that comes out of the White House reminds readers how fair and balanced he is with my favorite line: “Usually measured and unflappable, the always nerdy Holder became defiant.”

I enjoy showing Charles Hurt the same respect he shows to the Obama administration. That’s why I can say that the always full-of-shit and disingenuous excuse for a journalist deserves to be thrown down the steps from The Exorcist. Repeatedly. After glass has been liberally (see what I did there?) sprinkled on every step.

If it’s Thursday, it must be time for another page of Mandrea.

Lynne’s act should play well in hell [sic] rips into Lynne Stewart and, quite frankly, I agree with the author. Stewart is disgusting (inside and out) and deserves to die in prison.

Protesters too much is a follow-up to her article earlier this week that ridiculed the people who were planning on protesting the Carnegie Hall concert for Autism Speaks (because there are no autistic people on the board of the organization). It’s more of the same (except that the concert has since happened), but it’s weird to read Peyser’s “Give this worthy group a chance.” I didn’t think she was capable of kindness.

Even Lazio beats pathetic Paterson implores Governor Magoo (or, as Mandrea calls him, Governor Pipsqueak) to “hang it up.”

Holy shit! I agree with all three of these pieces and there’s only one left! Luckily, the fourth is a defense of Caribou Barbie.

WHAT THE @#$% DO PALIN’S FOES MEAN? is as unintentionally hilarious as anything Mandrea has ever written. “Sarah Palin (above, with son Trigg) is a joke, right? So why are the Democrats so obsessed with killing her off?”

1) Nice choice of photo. But next time, please indicate who’s who.

2) Yes, she is a joke. The kind of joke that takes someone 10 minutes to tell before they realize that they’ve forgotten the punchline. She’s hateful and vapid. And I understand why Mandrea is a fan.

3) How can someone complain (with a straight albeit mannish face) that Sarah Palin is being unfairly insulted by “lefty nitwit Naomi Wolf”?

Thank you for reminding me why I hate you, Mandrea. You betcha.

The Obama administration has decided that that study which suggests raising the age for mammograms to 50, is bullshit.

Nice.

Carrie Prejean is even stupider than I thought!

According to Page Six (today on page 22), she’s been calling Donald Trump for advice on what she should do now that her “sex tape(s)” are public knowledge.

Nice.

Cindy Adams had a chance to interview Lou Dobbs. Lou told her, “My wife has great instincts. She’s intuitive and knows considerable about business.”

Speak English, Lou! This is America!

The MTA says they will absolutely not raise fares or cut service in 2010.

And really, have they ever lied to us before?

Remember the 911 operator whose typo sent fire trucks to the wrong address, resulting in unnecessary deaths?

A 42-year-old man and his two sons (aged 2 and 1) died in a fire in Crown Heights yesterday because the fire trucks were sent to a location a block away (on Rogers Avenue). They didn’t reach the actual fire until eight minutes after the original 911 call was placed (though an FDNY spokesman insists it was only six minutes).

That’s just awful.

Hey, Teresa! You know why your train was delayed for a few hours today? Because two (2) people were hit by a G train at 7th Avenue. 1010 WINS reports that “One person was pronounced death at the scene, officials said.”

That’s another typo resulting in death.

Oh! Oh! Look on page 30! In-between an ad for the Sands Casino and a story about a 66-year-old woman who got hit in the leg by a stray bullet (on Lenox Avenue and 135th Street), there’s Health boo$t! It says that the health-care plan that Harry Reid unveiled yesterday will cost just $849,000,000,000 over 10 years, which the Post believes will help Reid “find 60 votes to bring the contentious issue to debate. Reid has experienced an embarrassing delay as he put off unveiling the Senate’s version of the health bill to wait for a final number from the Congressional Budget Office.”

I find the fact that this piece (on page 30) doesn’t discuss the details of the plan at all to be even more embarrassing.

Hunter Jason David Cloutier, 31, was out hunting for deer. He saw three of them and killed one, wounded a second one by shooting it in the hand.

Did I say deer? I meant Ferrum College students.

Jessica Goode, 23, is dead and Regis Boudinot, 20, is wounded.

Cloutier was arrested for manslaughter (among other charges). I look forward to hearing the NRA’s defense.

Big Mac-over covers the glamorously remodeled McDonald’s on Sixth Avenue between 14th and 15th Street.

If you’re in the area, stop by. It will help you better understand the phrase “pearls for swine.”

Kate Moss’ advice to aspiring models?

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

Nice.

Peter Brookes (senior fellow of the conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation) criticizes the POTUS for not delivering enough from his trip to China. Oh, and he coins (or, at least, this is the first time I’ve seen it) a catchy new phrase. “If you were troubled by President Obama’s ‘Wow Bow’ in Japan, you won’t be any happier with the ‘kowtow’ during his just-concluded trip to the People’s Republic of China.”

Wow Bow.

Nice.

Penises of Hurl (sorry, Ralph Peters) lets us in on What the Generals Won’t Tell the Prez about Afghanistan and Pakistan (AfPak).

“If the devalued buck stops at the president’s desk, it’s also true that the generals involved with AfPak have failed to fulfill their duties to the commander-in-chief.”

Did you catch that? The guy who keeps accusing Obama of dithering is now shifting the blame to the generals who aren’t giving Obama all of the facts. Does this mean he’ll stop blaming Obama?

“This isn’t a defense of Obama, whose vacillation and posturing are appalling. This is a defense of the office of the president: It’s dereliction of duty for generals to stack the deck to get their way. They owe the Oval Office serious analysis, not Christmas lists.”

So… the generals are lying to Obama, but he’s appalling because he’s vacillating (because he can’t get honest answers from his generals).

Spoken like a dick made of puke.

Here’s an editorial that criticizes Obama for backtracking on his statement about Mohammed getting the death penalty (A Needle for KSM). It even refers to the idea that what Obama said might hurt the prosecution as “nonsense.”

The editorial on page 42 refers to the story on page 8 as nonsense.

Nice.

Rocco Pellone of Manhattan writes in to ask (regarding Pummeling Sarah Palin in the 9/16 issue), “In an opinion section that practically bashes President Obama every day, how can Jennifer Rubin whine about Sarah Palin? Most of the country thinks she’s a joke, and, if she is going to promote a book that blames everyone but herself for her lost vice-presidential bid, she should expect some backlash. Are we to feel sorry for her? Give me a break.”

J.R. Cummings (also of Manhattan) offers a counter-argument. “The left calls Palin, who is a patriot and speaks for the heart and soul of America, an airhead and a joke. But look who the Democrats put in the White House — a far-left radical who does everything that’s bad for America in concert with his mob administration and radical czars.”

Sorry, Rocco. J.R. wins. I’d forgotten about the radical czars.

But wait! Michael Chimenti of Oakland Gardens has something to say! “The reason conservatives love Palin is because she is the poster girl for liberal hypocrisy. Palin represents every value which the liberals supposedly espouse. Because they disagree with her policy, which is purely a matter pf political opinion, they have no choice but to attack her personally.”

My God! He’s right! Her values are way liberal! And he’s the winner of the… wait! Here comes Chris Michaels of Morganville, New Jersey! Whattaya say, Chris?

“I bet that the word was put out by the Democrats for the media to put the hit on Palin. Instead, they could be writing whole comic books about the likes of Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton. The liberal media, with all their amateur criticism, are making more and more people aware of who Palin is — and the people like her.”

1) So the Democrats told the media to seduce Palin? Or did you mean that they put a hit OUT on her? If it’s the latter (look it up), then how is it a liberal media? If the media is truly liberal, then they would know to hate Palin. But, I guess they (and their criticism) are so amateur that they need the Democrats to tell them how to react to everything.

2) Whole comic books? You mean the 22-page pamphlets that tell stories through pictures? Yeah… I guess they could write whole comic books about Hillary Clinton. In fact, they did!

And soon, stores will also be selling this little number:

Fun fact: The first Female Force comic book published by Bluewater Comics was…

3) The kind of people who are just now becoming “aware of who Palin is” are functionally retarded (at best).

4) If your entire “platform” is “this is who I am” and “I’m a straight shooter” then YOU are — by definition — making it personal.

Marc K. Siegel explains that ObamaCare will produce more problems like the raising of the age for a mammogram. Which the administration has already said will result in NO changes to the age requirement.

Does it surprise you that Siegel is a “Fox News medical contributor”?

Walmart.com warned its competitors (who freaked out when they started selling the new Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels for just $10) that, “if they react and match our prices, we’re going to continue to lower our prices.”

Until their competitors are bankrupt and they no longer need such cartoonish discounts.

Reader’s Digest will be moving out of its headquarters in Chappaqua and cutting its staff.

[insert joke about condensing here]

Kyle Smith gives New Moon one and a half stars.

All of a sudden, I regret buying my tickets five months in advance.

The Knicks win!!!! The Knicks win!!!! So they’re now 2-9.

As for the Nets, they lost and are now 0-12.

When does baseball season start again?

Oprah’s ratings for Palin’s chat were up 36% over last November’s ratings.

Which is why Oprah announced that every Monday from now on, she will show footage of trainwrecks.

Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live will air December 15th at 9:00 p.m.

He will teach you (in real-time) how to prepare a three-course meal of angel hair pasta (with shrimp, chili peppers and tomatoes), Steak Diane with sauteed potatoes and peas, and tiramisu.

If Teresa wants to try this (sans peppers), I’ll happily scream “you donkey” in her face every few minutes.

Goodbye, Thursday. You’re less wonderful than Friday, but you make Tuesday look like Monday in comparison.

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