Archive for November 20th, 2009

No no no… I was saying “Grape Ape.”

20th November
2009
written by jed

I’m starting to think that maybe Glenn Beck might have actually [you-know-what] in 1990…

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[clever play on words] (I’m really tired)

20th November
2009
written by jed

UPPER EAST SNIDE

Snobs bid to boot model who wed the help: suit

Christina Ambers married one of the porters in her building, Angel Rotger, earlier this year (he was told not to date a tenant, they dated in private, the building found out and fired him, he moved in with her and they married). She claims that, as a result, her building is trying to get her (and her husband) to move out — because the tenants don’t like one of their former porters living as a fellow resident. She also claims that the super’s wife hit Angel in his bathing suit area (unprovoked!) with a bag (a bag in the bag!) resulting in “a contusion of the testicle.”

And that’s the front page of today’s paper for some reason.

Gay baby steps.

The New York Court of Appeals has upheld the decision of the state Civil Service Department and Westchester County to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states (this allows same-sex couples to get the same employee benefits that hetero couples get).

It isn’t the legalization of gay marriage in New York, but it’s something.

Gayby steps.

Rudy 9iu11ani is NOT running for governor in 2010, but he might run for the Senate against Kirsten Gillibrand.

“Thenator? I like the thound of that! U. Eth. Thenator 9iu11ani!” Rudy was heard lisping to the cousin he was once married to.

NYU students are fickle stalkers.

Jude Law’s balcony is visible from Hayden Hall (an NYU dorm) and every time he goes outside to do yoga, he gets heckled by NYU students (they sing “Hey Jude” and catcall). He is so annoyed by this that he threw four oranges at the students a few weeks ago, which changed the students’ attitude from (as Erica Rose, 18, put it) “It is exciting to have a celebrity living right next to you. He is really attractive. He’s rugged and scruffy.” to (as freshman Neha Najeeb says) “Now we don’t like Jude Law anymore.”

That’s the spirit! Anyone who isn’t grateful for your heckling must be worthy of your disdain!

Alexandra Kerry, daughter of John Kerry and that scary ketchup lady he’s married to, was pulled over in Hollywood yesterday night for an expired registration. She appeared drunk, so they asked her to take a field-sobriety test (and, because she isn’t an NYPD officer, she said yes). She tested positive.

She took a Breathalyzer test at the station and her blood-alcohol level was below the legal limit.

Which proves that John Kerry made up all that Vietnam stuff.

Oprah Winfrey will walk away from her talk show when her contract expires in 2011. After 25 years, America’s favorite closeted homosexual (sorry Tom and John) will cease production of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Linda Stasi, who raked Oprah over the coals less than a week ago (“But as the audience-appointed arbiter of good sense in this country, Oprah needs to find yet another doc — one who’s certified to perform taste transplants, because hers seems to have tragically been chewed off by too much fame.”) has penned a stirring tribute for her today.

“This woman was once a 14-year-old pregnant girl whose child died within hours of being born.”

Well said, Linda.

I didn’t want to do this, but it looks like I have to become a fan of Sarah Palin on Facebook. Otherwise, I’ll miss brilliant brain aneurysms like “Imagine that. 11 AP reporters dedicating time and resources to tearing up the book, instead of using the time and resources to ‘fact check’ what’s going on with Sheik Mohammed’s trial, Pelosi’s health-care takeover costs, Hasan’s associations, etc. Amazing.”

You poor victim.

Bill O’Reilly has a piece called Still Gunning for Sarah which erroneously refers to Palin as a “modern politician.” Guess again, Bill. She quit before serving a single term as governor. I’ve spent more time pooping than she has spent as an elected official. And then she published a book that’s basically a bridge-burning fuck you to a healthy chunk of the folks she worked with. She will never serve in any office ever again. Bill also complains about her covrage in the media: “She is being called a whiner and an ingrate, among other things.”

Well, maybe if she stopped whining the media would stop reporting about it.

“A study by the Culture and Media Institute looked at a two-week period during last year’s presidential campaign. During that time, the nightly network newscasts ran 18 negative stories about Palin for every positive story. Fair and balanced? Give me a break.”

1) http://www.cultureandmediainstitute.org/ The three stories at the top of the CMI home page (as I write this) are “Psychology Today Writer: Palin ‘A Very Special Liar’: Left resorts to psychobabble about ‘narcissistic personality’ to bash conservative star and former governor.” and “Huffington Says Glenn Beck Should Be Excluded from Freedom of Speech: Liberal blog co-founder likens popular Fox host’s show to shouting ‘fire in a crowded theater.’” and “Newsweek’s Lisa Miller Labels Passion of the Christ ‘Anti-Semitic’: Magazine ranked Tina Fey’s portrayal of Sarah Palin, the beginning of American Idol, and the death of Michael Jackson ahead of movie on list of Top 10 cultural moments in the last decade.” This site just screams “fair and balanced.”

2) The only news organization stupid enough to claim that they’re “fair and balanced” are the same morons that sign your checks, Bill.

3) Bill goes on to say that “Even though a CBS News poll has her approval rating at just 23%, a whopping 37% of respondents say they’re still undecided about her. That means millions of Americans are potential converts to her populist cause.” Think about that. Less than 1 of every 4 people polled approves of Sarah Palin, but since 37% of the people polled (knowing the total number of people polled would be totes helpful, but that’d probably disprove Bill’s point) say they’re still undecided (how many years and interviews and press conferences do you need before you can form an opinion, you jackasses?), that means that Sarah Palin will be our next president.

4) 23% doesn’t represent a “populist cause.” Go sexually harass a subordinate, Bill.

B’also? There’s an editorial (The AP’s Palin Panic) that joins the semi-retarded quitter in whining about how the AP had the audacity to fact-check her book of bullshit. “AP didn’t send 11 reporters to fact-check President Obama’s two books (it didn’t bother to fact-check them at all).”

Because Obama publishing a memoir in September of 1995 is the same thing as Sarah Palin publishing one in November of 2009. Both deserve equal scrutiny.

This is a horrible newspaper.

Lou Dobbs is considering running for president.

Well, he’s almost guaranteed both of the LaRouche votes.

Reports of groping (on the subway/in the stations) are up 4% this year. The most likely place a woman will be grabbed? Between Grand Central and Union Square on the 4-5-6, especially during rush hour (the judges also would have accepted “on the butt”).

412 people have been arrested so far this year for “bad touching” which is actually 6% less people than last year.

Watch your asses, ladies.

The jury in the Gotti trial told the judge it’s deadlocked.

He asked them to take the weekend to relax and to come back on Monday and try again to reach a verdict.

Will Gotti get a fourth hung jury?

Methinks yes.

The fake pimp and the fake prostitute claim to have hoodwinked yet another ACORN office into helping them set up a human trafficking/underage prostitution ring.

The author of the article? Charles Hurt.

So take it with a 1,700-pound grain of salt.

“They made a porn movie about Sarah Palin and the same actress, Lisa Ann, played me in the porn version of 30 Rock. Weirdly, of the three of us, Lisa Ann knows the most about foreign policy.” — Tina Fey

Lynne Stewart is now in prison, serving a 28-month sentence (it may be lengthened, but no decision has been made yet). “You haven’t seen the last of me,” the gross thing said to reporters as she surrendered to the court.

She’s been wrong about a lot in life; I pray she’s also wrong about this.

Cindy Adams says, “It’s Thanksgiving. And if you’re in mid-life, be especially grateful. The good news is, your glass is still half-full. The bad news? Your teeth might be floating in it.”

That’s not mid-life, Cindy. That’s old age. Really really old age.

Get in the box.

Carvett Gentles, the tough-guy 16-year-old who shot Vada Vasquez, wept like a baby in court yesterday. He said that he wished he never shot Vada and that he was only trying to impress his uncle and cousins (Rohan, Clivie and Cleve), who are all members of the Gorilla Bloods.

Yo, man, that’s racist.

Vada remains in a coma. Carvett remains a coward.

Teresa, add Bulgaria to the list.

On her wedding day (to her 19-year-old boyfriend), an 11-year-old Bulgarian went into labor and gave birth.

It’s just like the movie Precious, except Bulgarian.

Last month, 1,200,000 Americans tuned in to watch the Mall Cops: Mall of America special on TLC.

That’s why TLC is making it a weekly series.

Who needs Southland when you have cheap and awful crap like this to watch?

Hey, Michael Starr? The actor’s name is Michael Cerveris. Nor Serveris, Cerveris.

Keep up the mediocre work.

Is it… Friday?

Yes it is!

The weekend starts in mere hours! Hot damn!

Enjoy ya’selves, kids.

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