Archive for November 22nd, 2009

The Muppet Who Will Ultimately Kill Me

22nd November
2009
written by jed

One of the frightening vagrants who camp out on the benches across the street from our home (he’s the one who has screaming fights with himself every other day) can sometimes be found in front of the place where I get my Sunday paper, sitting on a milk crate. His face is generally frozen in a squinty smirk and his mustache is an assortment of colors (everything from dark beige to gray-white). For the last couple of weeks, he has decided to open the door for people entering and exiting the convenience store he camps out in front of.

Today I made the mistake of making eye contact as I mumbled “thanks.” His face is weathered and world-weary, but in a Muppetian way. He will snap one day, lashing out at the world and repeatedly hitting something or someone. And if I am the one he chooses, I will picture Statler and Waldorf watching my murder and complaining about how uninspired it is.

And I will try my darnedest to evoke Kermit with a “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” as I pass on.

Joanna P. DelBuono and Stanley P. Gershbein continue to spew vulgar opinions in the Park Slope Courier (he defends Glenn Beck and she rants incoherentlyabout the Obama administration holding the 9/11 trial in NYC ["Did they think about this at all while they were sitting in their fine leather chairs in their fine elected offices? I ask myself, what else do they have up their Brooks Brothers' sleeves?"], but the best thing in this week’s paper is a letter from Peter G. Orsi in Marine Park:

“The Yankee parade was incredible, the Yankees were incredible and so were the fans. Why on earth was Mariano Rivera waving a Panamanian flag? I’m sure he is proud of his heritage — and rightly so — but you’re in America, Mariano. This is the country you live in. This is the country you make you’re [sic] living in. This is the country you won the World Series in. You should have, at the very least, carried both the American and Panamanian flags. Error on you sir [sic].”

With the exception of John C. Reilly and William H. Macy, everyone who uses their middle initial is an idiot.

A QUICK RECAP OF THE DAY BEFORE TODAY

Obama’s approval below 50 percent informs us that Obama’s approval rating is at 49%. This makes Obama the POTUS with fourth-fastest drop to below 50%. Ford did it in three months, Clinton did it in four and Reagan did it just a few days sooner than Obama.

Did you hear that, Republicans? Obama is better than Reagan!

Black Dan Dunford (nee Dominic Carter) has been found guilty of attempted assault against his wife.

He faces up to… three months in prison.

What a bargain! I may choke my wife, too!

Teresa, I was kidding. Everyone else, I was serious, but don’t tell Teresa.

The Post reprinted (in its entirety) an email that Vadim Ponorovsky, owner of the Meatpacking District eatery Paradou, sent to his employees. I will now do the same. Forgive the author’s typos.

To All,

Please read this email carefully. This is the last time we will be discussing this.

This weekend, saturday and sunday we had 451 customers. Guess how many emails we collected? 60? 80? 40? No. None of those. We, or more acurately you, collected 2 emails. Thats less than half of one percent. 2 fucking emails.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES?!?!?! How many times do we have to tell you how important it is that you collect emails. Everytime we have a slow night and you make no money and you sit there bitching about how you make no money, remember its because youre fucking lazy motherfuckers. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY!!!!! ALL OF YOU, INCLUDING THE HOSTS!!!!

Let me guess, youre probably sitting there saying “Vadim is such a fucking asshole. How dare he speak to me like this. I dont need this.” Youre right, you dont, so why dont you get the fuck out. Any and all of you.

Youre probably sitting there saying “How dare he speak to me like this. How dare he not have respect for me”. Youre right there also. I have absolutely no respect for any of you. Why? Because every fucking day, all of you continue to show that you have absolutely no respect for me or Alex. So if you dont respect us enough to do the little that we ask you to do, then GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FUCKING LAZY DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES!!!!!

Effective immediately, any server or host who fails to collect at least 20 emails per week, will be fined $100. Anyone failing to collect at least 20 emails for two weeks in a month will be fired immediately. No matter what. No matter who you are.

You dont want to do your job, you dont want to do what we ask, you dont belong at Paradou. Go find another place to work.

How dare you disrespect Alex and me this way. How dare you completely ignore what we ask of you time after time after time.

I am sick of all this shit, you bunch of fucking children. This is what I have to deal with at 6AM?!?!? I wouldn’t tolerate this from my 13 year old, and Im sure as shit not going to tolerate it from any of you assholes.

You give no respect, you get 10 times back.

If you eat at Paradou, tip your waiter. A lot.

The Catholic Church has come out against Harry Reid’s health-care bill, because they think it isn’t anti-abortion enough.

Hey, I have an idea! Either you honor the separation between church and state (and shut up), or you pay taxes on the trillions you hoodwink from rubes.

Deal?

In other ridiculous health-care reform news, “doctors” claim that an added tax on plastic surgery is “sexist.”

The Post doesn’t actually name any actual doctors who believe this, but the headline is ‘Botax’ is sexist: docs, so it must be true. And ridiculous.

Ashley Dennis, stepdaughter of Governor Paterson, was supposed to host a party (since cancelled) at the governor’s mansion’s pool house (according to an announcement her friend posted on Facebook). The “Night of Mayhem” at “FDR’s Polio Poolhouse” was advertised as having “yummy Jell-O shots” and “some beers.”

“[It] will be tons of fun…. So let’s just have a good time and dance in FDR’s honor. The New Deal was AWESOME!”

If David Paterson cured AIDS and cancer, ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and reversed global warming, he would still lose the upcoming election by at least 20 points.

This is the wrong time for a person with this name to commit a crime.

Mohammed Hassan, 16, is accused of starting nine fires at his high school (Stuyvesant) over the past week.

Even though no one was hurt in any of the fires, he faces up to seven years in prison (versus three months for assaulting your wife).

Several hundred employees of Goldman Sachs will be serving turkey for the Salvation Army next week, as a sort of mea culpa for being one of the major reasons millions of Americans are financially fucked.

Then they will return to their mansions and laugh about how smelly everyone was.

Officer Dustin Bradshaw has been suspended with pay for not having a video camera attached to his Taser.

Why is the Ozark, Arkansas cop being reprimanded? Because he answered a 911 call where a woman claimed that her 10-year-old refused to take a shower. The woman said the girl had become violent. The woman suggested that Bradshaw use his Taser.

So he did.

I wonder what you have to do in Ozark to get suspended without pay.

Vada Vasquez is breathing on her own, so the ventilator has been removed. She remains unconscious and in critical but stable condition, but this is good news.

Clivie Smith, one of the “men” accused of the crime that put her there, complained that being at Rikers Island was “like having the worst migraine you could have.” Is it worse than being shot in the head, Clivie?

Proving his love of Maury, Clivie went on to say, “I didn’t do it. I’m 100 percent innocent. No, I’m 1,000 percent innocent.”

Clivie… you are the co-conspirator!

Levi Johnston’s mother (Sherry) was sentenced to three years in prison after pleading guilty to one count of possession with intent to distribute OxyContin.

That means that Tripp Palin can be ashamed of both of his grandmothers!

Why are so many 911 calls being fudged? Because of the Unified Call Taking system. Since May, callers are connected to 911 operators — without the opportunity to speak to fire dispatchers, who are better equipped to take those calls.

But now that a bunch of people are dead, “FDNY dispatchers will now be allowed to listen in on fire calls and ‘ask additional questions of the caller if necessary.’”

Uh… why don’t you just let FDNY dispatchers take fire calls? Why do they have to supervise idiots?

No Justice, no peace.

I have never heard of Justin Bieber (I blame my pubic hair), but apparently he’s the next teen heartthrob. He was scheduled to sign copies of his new CD at Justice, a clothing store in a Long Island mall (Roosevelt Field in Garden City). They expected 1,000 people to show up. 3,000 did.

When police saw the crowd, they tried to shut down the event, but the management team behind the event refused. They even Twatted the fans that they should hang in there because Bieber was due any minute. One of Bieber’s entourage (James Roppo, 44, senior vice president of Island Def Jam Records) was arrested and charged with endangering the welfare of a child, obstructing governmental administration, reckless endangerment and criminal nuisance.

Long Island is a scary place.

Joseph Ross, 34, also didn’t do what the police asked him to.

He was jaywalking in Queens when police stopped him and tried to issue him a ticket.

“I’m John Doe and I don’t remember my birth date!” he proclaimed. The cops told him that providing false information is a crime, but he insisted that his name was John Doe. After “a brief struggle,” they took him into custody. His fingerprints revealed his true ID and he now has a lot more to deal with than a jaywalking ticket.

In a mock retrial (done to celebrate the 150th anniversary of the Massachusetts Superior Court), Lizzie Borden was acquitted of hacking her parents to death. The famous rhyme has been changed accordingly. Please memorize the new version:

Lizzie Borden took a nap

And gave her mom a pretty map.

When she saw what she had done,

She cooked her dad a hot-cross bun.

Alyssa Bustamante, 15, of Missouri, made YouTube videos wherein she said her hobbies included “killing people.”

On October 21st, she killed her 9-year-old neighbor, telling police that she “wanted to know what it felt like.”

She faces life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Good. I want her to know what that feels like.

A lot of folks wrote to the Post to kvetch about how Obama is risking our lives with the 9/11 trial. Yawn.

B.T. Quinn of North Topsail Beach, North Carolina, worries, “It only takes one juror to allow [KSM] to start looking for a house in our neighborhoods. I don’t like the odds.”

1) New Yorkers are smarter than you apparently think.

2) No one, especially Muslim terrorists, want to live in North Topsail Beach, North Carolina.

And Bret Wallach of Hicksville [insert joke here] complains, “They walk, and America suffers. Thank you, President Obama, for putting America at risk.”

But Ismael Vasquez of the Bronx gets it right. “Fear is not an excuse to give up on your values or way of life. These terrorists, through their actions, imposed their hate on us. We should not cower; it only shows these monsters that they won. Most importantly, don;t politicize a matter that should show our unity as a nation. Remember, Republicans and Democrats united with President George W. Bush after 9/11. Let’s do the same with Obama.”

Thank you, Ismael.

I just realized that Michelle Malkin’s hate speeches run on Saturdays, the day with the lowest number of readers. Ha!

Did you buy a Barnes & Noble electronic book reader (“the Nook”) as a Christmas gift?

Well, you won’t get one until January 4th at the earliest.

Next time? Buy a book.

Twitter values their stock at $20 a share? r u fkn kdng me?

The Knicks (who just won another game, making them 3-9!) have passed on Allen Iverson.

The Nets (who just played the Knicks, making them 0-13!) are awful.

Chance King, Larry King’s 10-year-old son (eyew!) will get his own baseball show (Kid Pitch) on Fox Sports Net. He will be joined by Larry King’s 9-year-old son (eyew!!), Cannon. Tom Arnold is slated to act as the show’s director. It will feature kids talking about Little League.

What a terrific idea.

TODAY

Geraldo Sanchez asked a man to move his bag from a seat on a D train Saturday at 2:00 a.m. The man refused. Curses were exchanged. The man punched Geraldo in the face. Geraldo pulled out a steak knife and stabbed the man in his jugular vein and hand. The man died.

The emergency cord was pulled and the train operator was notified as to what happened. He pulled into the next station and kept the doors closed long enough for police to apprehend Sanchez.

Never a dull moment in the subway system.

Oh, boy.

Germany is now saying that the evidence they gathered on Khalid Sheik Mohammed and his henchmen was given to the US on the condition that it not be used to seek the death penalty (Germany doesn’t believe in the death penalty). They also say that they’ll be sending “observers” to the trial to make sure that the US makes good on that promise.

As if there weren’t enough Americans trying to fuck up this trial, now we have to worry about Germany?

Twilight grossed $72,000,000 on Friday. The previous record was $67,000,000 which The Dark Knight grossed for its opening.

Gross.

Israel carried out an airstrike against targets in the Gaza Strip yesterday. They say it was retaliation for a rocket launched from the Gaza Strip.

The day before, Hamas claimed to have struck a deal with “smaller terrorist groups” to stop firing rockets at Israel.

Someone is totally lying.

We got the 60 votes. No Republican filibuster. What do you say about that, Kit Bond (R-Mo.)?

“Move over, Bernie Madoff. Tip your hat to a trillion-dollar scam.”

I wonder who paid him to say that.

Michael Goodwin on Attorney General Eric Holder: “He also suggests Osama bin Laden would get his Miranda rights if he is captured. I’m not scared. I’m terrified — of Holder’s fetish for extending constitutional protections to terrorists who slaughtered thousands of Americans.”

Michael Goodwin on the journalism standards of the Washington Post: “They died last week, a victim of Palin Derangement Syndrome.”

Michael Godwin on Obama bowing in Japan: “Respectful would be enough. Bowing signifies something else entirely.”

Me on Michael Goodwin: “You’re an idiot.”

Page Six (today on page 14) spelled Seth Meyers’ name wrong, but spelled Jason Sudeikis’ right.

CBS is currently in talks with the person they think just might be able to fill the void left by Oprah’s 2011 departure: Gayle King.

They’ve obviously forgotten about The Gayle King Show, which was cancelled after less than 4 months (September 8, 1997 – January 1, 1998). I found that out on tv.com which also notes: “The Gayle King Show ranks 19,517 out of the 18,437 shows on TV.com.”

The Post asks folks who bought Sarah Palin’s “book” why they did so.

“The liberal media made a big deal that she said she could see Russia from her house. I can see New Jersey from my house. Big deal. What’s wrong with that?” — Gus Angelo, 80, retired veteran and current moron.

“I bought one for myself and one for my best friend because she doesn’t like Palin and this could help change her mind. Palin is big on our most important amendment, the Second Amendment, which makes this country the freest it could ever be.” — Angel Vasquez, 42, photographer and moron.

“I’m thinking about buying it. She’s interesting. If I do get it, I’ll read it all the way through, I’m sure. I don’t know if she’s intelligent enough for higher office. But I still like her pro-capitalism policies better than Obama’s socialism and big government.” — John Magnotti of Staten Island, who isn’t intelligent enough to understand why what he said is hilarious.

Page 26 is a full-page ad for Washington Memorial Park. It claims that veterans can send away for a Certificate of Entitlement for a complimentary burial plot. It also says that NYS law requires that they charge “a one time Permanent Care Trust Contribution of $100.00.”

“For those veterans who find the thought of Burial in the Earth disturbing, Washington Memorial Park offers Veterans above Ground Mausoleum space at a $1,000.00 Discount. There are no above ground Mausoleums in Veterans Cemeteries.”

Weird capitalizations aside, I find this ad to be incredibly creepy.

Especially since page 27 is about why why should be leaving Afghanistan sooner rather than later, and features a large photo of American soldiers being ambushed there.

The latest flap of faux outrage? Obama said to US soldiers in South Korea, “You guys make a pretty good photo op.”

How dare he, right? I mean… the last guy never misspoke or made a joke, right?

Melissa Lafsky writes Little girls going straight to heel about “How Hollywood continues to oversexualize young women” and which has a photo of Suri Cruise in heels from yesterday (she was shown wearing them in the Post from a few days ago, as well).

However, in Katie Holmes’ defense, the heels sexualize Suri but being around Tom Cruise balances it out.

Kyle Smith gives us RAKED ALASKA which somehow manages to chastise “Hate-drunk Democrats” and “Liberals in the media” for their “heinous personal attacks” and “dress[ing] up quibbles and debating as ‘fact-checking’” while simultaneously referring to Sarah Palin as, “a woman whose chances of being the next president are about the same as Nancy Pelosi’s.”

“Philosophically she’s the daughter of Ronald Reagan. But she also has big liabilities, too many to make her a real candidate for president in 2012. Ditching Alaska proved that she was what her enemies (Democrats, the press, the McCain staff) said she was: a flake. Getting outwitted by that intellectual grandmaster Katie Couric was embarrassing, but it wasn’t unforgivable. Taking an incomplete on your first major office in politics is unforgivable.”

“Assuming she intends to run in three years (and I do — otherwise why is there a SarahPAC ad on the conservative sites?), it’s as if she quit the Wiffle Ball circuit and started dropping hints that she was ready to play for the Yankees.”

Kyle also (with nary a drop of irony) quotes former Bush aide Peter Wehner as saying, “She doesn’t seem able to articulate the case for conservatism in a manner that is compelling or even particularly persuasive.”

And yet, the media should be ashamed of themselves for trying to let America in on what Kyle seems to have finally grasped.

So, the stimulus package has been showing some pretty great results, right?

Not according to the editorial A $787 Billion Waste.

Was the Post this angry when billions literally disappeared in Iraq?

Al Roker has (co-)written his first novel. You can find The Morning Show Murders wherever books are thrown away.

Leslie Caron claims her former boyfriend Warren Beatty once woke her up at 5:00 a.m. and shouted, “You’re sleeping. You’re not thinking of me.”

Carol Channing looks good for her age.

Oh, wait. She’s only 88?

Never mind.

Page 53 has a photo of Gerard Butler laughing and holding a plant wrapped in a towel over a hotel balcony.

Too soon, Gerry.

V.A. Musetto discusses vampire movies today. In addition to referring to actress Lili Taylor as “Lily Taylor,” he warns us that he’s taking next week off to go to the Filmex festival in Tokyo, where he is almost guaranteed to see Asian breasts.

And now we’re off to Westchester to visit the family and get new phones. Will we spring for the Droid?

Stay tuned! And enjoy what remains of the weekend!

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