Archive for November 23rd, 2009

Because “real Americans” are incredibly stupid.

I had no idea that Russia was across the street from Alaska.

TRAINIAC is not a Superman villain, nor is it someone obsessed with getting in shape. No, it’s today’s headline and the descriptor of choice for Geraldo Sanchez. New details have emerged from the stabbing murder of a straphanger early Saturday morning.

Here’s how it went down: Sanchez gets on the train, “eating something, making a mess” (according to a “source”) and then demands that Dwight Johnson, 36, move his bag from the seat next to him (he was sitting in a three-seater by the door). Johnson tells Sanchez that there are plenty of other available seats. “No, I want this seat,” Sanchez replies.

So Johnson moves his bag. Sanchez just stares at Johnson, finally asking, “You think I’m scared of you? I’m not scared of you!” (according to a “witness”).

Johnson says nothing and does nothing (yesterday the Post said [seemingly erroneously] that he punched Sanchez in the face). Then Sanchez stabs him in the neck and hands. As Johnson lay there dying, he pries open the subway doors and drops his knife onto the tracks.

“I want to go home, I gotta go home, I gotta go home,” he mumbles (according to that same “witness”).

I was going to ask “what kind of weirdo walks around with a steak knife,” but we all know the answer to that question. And his name is Geraldo.

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The American Music Awards (not to be confused with the American Medical Association) happened last night. Adam Lambert fell down while he sang whatever horrible song he sang (something about “your entertainment”?). Jennifer Lopez fell down while she sang whatever horrible song she was singing (something about “my Louis Vuitton”?). And Michael Jackson won four awards: Favorite Male Artist – Pop/Rock, Favorite Male Artist – Soul/R&B, Favorite Album – Pop/Rock (Number Ones), Favorite Album – Soul/R&B (Number Ones).

Jermaine Jackson accepted two of the awards for his dead brother. Then he asked the audience if they were “going to finish that sandwich.”

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Someone get this guy a copy of The Serpent and the Rainbow!

In 1983, Ron Houben, then 23, was in an accident that put him in what doctors determined was a vegetative state. They believed that he was unable to understand what was going on around him.

In 2006, new scans showed that Ron’s brain was functioning “almost completely normally” and, after some extensive therapy, Ron was able to communicate by using a computer. He says that he has been aware of everything around him since 1983.

“All that time, I just literally dreamed of a better life. Frustration is too small to describe what I felt.”

Welcome back, Ron.

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Wouldn’t it be great if Joe Lieberman was renditioned to Saudi Arabia?

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Vada Vasquez is doing “much better,” according to a neighbor of the Vasquez family. “She recognizes family now. She responds to them.”

Keep it up, Vada.

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Zelita Mighty, the mother of Carvett Gentles (who has admitted to prosecutors that he shot Vada Vasquez) insists that her son (who she called “Zico” for some reason) is innocent. “He don’t have the heart. Zico can’t even hold that gun because Zico good.”

Zico not good, Zelita. Zico bad.

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Scott Stapp, the walking punchline and former (current? did they reunite?) singer for the band Creed, is angry that the video tape of him and Kid Rock getting blowjobs from a groupie on a tour bus in 1999 is being called a sex tape, saying there is no “actual sex” on it.

“For it to be characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks.”

Realizing his poor choice of words he stammered, “I meant blows. That kind of blows.”

Then he had another drink.

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Yet another reason to love Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Take it away, Cindy Adams.

“Somewhere near the skeleton of a dinosaur stood a young kid who didn’t know me from borscht. I also didn’t know who the hell he was. Jimmy Fallon introducd him — Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the star who co-hosted SNL last week. Jimmy then told this creature who I was. Gordon-Levitt then looked about as excited as the dinosaur.”

1) He was the host, not the co-host.

2) He’s been working steadily in TV and film since 1988 (including 133 episodes of 3rd Rock from the Sun), so it’s curious that you don’t know who he is.

3) You are a dinosaur. Get in the box.

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Will Julia Stiles play The Black Cat in Spider-Man 4? What a horrible idea!

Are they making an Independence Day 2? What an even horribler idea!

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Remember Three Mile Island? Well, they found a radiation leak there on Saturday. But officials say they contained it and everything is OK. Nothing to worry about. Move along.

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Mandrea!

Let’s start with some anti-Semitism, shall we? THESE ARE MAZEL TOUGH TIMES begins with a typo and ends with readers wondering why Peyser hates Jews. Here’s the mini-piece in its entirety:

“Thing [sic] are bad all over.

A kosher soup kitchen is set to open, unimaginably, in the middle of black-hatted Williamsburg to feed hundreds of newly hungry Jews.

In Scarsdale, a Jewish man laid off from a six-figure job is desperately seeking financial assistance before he loses his property. Maybe his family.

The recession has hit hard a community not normally associated with want. Jewish folk, some of whom live in five-bedroom houses, now face foreclosure, but they’re too proud or embarrassed to beg.

So — shhh! — The United Jewish Appeal has started Connect to Care, which already has given more than 8,000 needy Jews financial services, job help and mental-health counseling to get through unfamiliar territory.

Just don’t expect anyone to admit it.”

That’s right, Mandrea. Those sneaky Jews are trying to hide their poverty from everyone. Thank God we have you to tell us the truth.

The ‘last’ of Oprah is another head-scratcher. “Oprah Winfrey, who has sold more books, diet products and US presidents than any human, dead or alive, is set to give up her TV show. The planet heaves a collective sigh.

Who will replace her as queen?

A better question: Do we need another one?”

The planet heaves a collective sigh? What the fuck are you talking about? Are you drunk or stupid or both?

Mag goes off the Depp end begins, “If Johnny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive, I’m swearing off men.” The male half of the planet heaves a collective sigh. Not that she had a shot anyway.

There’s a big piece about what a terrible parent Zelita Mighty is (stick that gun way down in that barrel of fish, Mandrea!) called Me-first parents’ kids are spawn to be wild (see what she did there?), but let’s close with Here’s the TRUTH, Maureen, which would be hilarious is Mandrea wasn’t serious.

“Here’s one story Maureen Dowd won’t report in the New York Times.

A groundbreaking study suggests that priests molest young boys at a rate no higher than that of the general population. That’s according to researchers at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, who were asked to address the myth of the Catholic Church as a garden of hedonism. Abuse has also declined dramatically since at least the 1980s, they found, as the church, perhaps belatedly, deals with it.”

So, priests — who claim to be closer to God than we mere mortals — are just as likely to rape your kids as any stranger on the street… and that’s a good thing? And “perhaps belatedly” is one of the most ridiculous things that ever came out of your man-mouth.

“What’s more, closeted gay priests are not the problem. The study, due next year, will show that boys have been more often victims only because they outnumber girls in the church.”

Right. Closeted gay priests aren’t the problem. Priests are the problem. And a church that will relocate child molesters to other parishes where they can molest more children. Because, you know, that’s God’s will.

“The research was funded partly by Catholic bishops, but the US Department of Justice threw in bucks, because it wants to know the truth. Which is more than I can say for some reporters.”

Oh, now the US Department of Justice is to be praised? Duly noted, ugly.

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Alexis Mersentes, 72, the husband of Veronica Atkins (widow of Dr. Robert Atkins), also 72, is being accused of having an affair with Ildiko Varga (who actually looks a lot older than Veronica).

This explains why the Atkins diet my wife and I just started recommends that we cut out sugar and breads and eat the severed penis of Alexis Mersentes at least twice a day.

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Gordon Cucullu writes FORT HOOD: TERROR’S ‘THIRD WAVE’ which begins, “The Fort Hood killings were no isolated incident, but part of al Qaeda’s ‘third wave.’” and ends with, “As this third wave strengthens, we should expect many more attacks — and rising discontent among Americans persuaded to sympathize with our enemies.”

I guess the only thing we can do to ensure our safety is kick all the A-rabs out of our country. ’specially the ones in our armed forces. Oh, and live in fear of the “many more attacks” that’ll happen any minute now.

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Rich Lowry continues to insist that the health-care bill will go down in flames. He also said that it would never get out of the Senate and that Reid would never get 60 votes.

Never listen to Rich Lowry.

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Dale McFeatters admonishes the POTUS in A’stan: Stop Whining and Decide Already.

Yeah! The last guy never thought about things like”options” or “consequences” — just fucking throw more Americans in the paths of Taliban bullets! Do it now! Stop dithering!

Putz.

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The Knicks are now 3-10.

The Nets remain 0-13.

The Giants won in overtime (by the skin of their blue teeth) making them 6-4 (a game behind Dallas and tied with Philadelphia).

The Jets lost with plenty of time to spare making them 4-6.

New York needs baseball. Badly.

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Enjoying V? Well, tomorrow night’s episode promises to be great.

And the following episode promises to air in March.

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Linda Stasi can’t praise Find My Family enough. It’s a show where people ask television to reunite them with lost relatives.

“I just finished watching tonight’s premiere, and I’m here to tell you that I haven’t cried this much since Sully landed that airbus in the Hudson and we watched everone standing on the wings.”

Which is why she gave it three stars.

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Michael Starr has an EXCLUSIVE about the final episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Good for you, Michael!

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We got Motorola Droids.

Somehow, we managed to switch around our calling plan so that we’re paying the same each month as we always have, despite now owning phones that can do 1,000,000 things our old phones couldn’t.

For example, there’s a free app we downloaded that scans barcodes for you. Then it tells you what the item sells for at almost every store in your vacinity (and online). Then it tells you how to get to the store with the lowest price.

Highly recommended.

And on that note, I bid you all adieu as I play with my new toy.