Archive for November 24th, 2009

But — and this is the point — it’s larger than it was!

24th November
2009
written by jed

Attorney General (and soon-to-be-Governor) Andrew Cuomo has filed suit against the United Homeless Organization (the folks with the giant water cooler jugs who ask for moneys — hence the headline THE JUG IS UP!), accusing the UHO of being “a scam run by con artists who pocket most of the change they collect.”

“UHO founder Stephen Riley and director Myra Walker take a big cut of the money to fund personal shopping sprees at the GameStop, Home Shopping Network, Bed Bath & Beyond and P.C. Richard, as well as their monthly cable bills, legal papers charge.”

A person rents a table, tablecloth, apron and jug for $15-$25 per 4-hour shift. “Rent” aside, everything else that goes in the jug goes to the person asking you to put money in the jug. Investigators recorded various “table workers” saying that donations “would help fund soup kitchens, food pantries, shelters and detox centers.” When in fact the money goes into those workers’ pockets.

Go get ‘em, Andy.

Lou Dobbs is actually seriously considering running for pesident in 2012. “It’s one of the discussions we’re having,” he said on the radio show hosted by that other baritone grump, Fred Thompson. He also said (of becoming involved in politics), “I don’t think I’ve got the nature for it.”

So he thinks he might run but he also thinks that maybe he shouldn’t. This might be the first time that Dobbs has seen two sides of an issue.

On my birthday in 1936 (38 years before I was born), Margaret Bergmann Lambert set Germany’s record for high jumping — 5′ 3″. But the Nazis disallowed the record on account of Margaret (who competed under the name Gretel Bergmann) was (and remains) a Jew.

Yesterday, Germany restored the record. Margaret, 95, who lives in Queens with her 99-year-old husband said, “It took a hell of a long time for them to do it, but I’m not going to do cartwheels over it — and I couldn’t now. I used to hate everything German. But I’ve made up my mind to not hold it against the next generations.”

Congratulations, Margaret!

More incredibly groundbreaking medical studies!

Researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign observed 36 “college-age subjects” as they walked on a treadmill “in a virtual environment meant to simulate a busy two-lane street.” Some had iPods, some had cellphones, some had nothing. Here are the amazing results (make sure you’re sitting down before you read any further):

People talking on cellphones were “much more distracted, crossed the street more slowly and didn’t look around as much.” Walkers with iPods were just as minimally distracted as walkers with nothing.

“Although it is unclear at this point whether this [cellphone-related] impairment can manifest in increased pedestrian-automobile accidents, our data do suggest that there is at least a strong possibility that decision-making processes, such as those associated with identifying and acting on safe cross opportunities, are impaired,” said one of the people with way too much time and grant money on their hands.

This reminds me of the Monty Python sketch where Graham Chapman is a scientist comparing human brains to penguins’. He notes that penguins are smaller than humans, so he enlarges the penguin until it’s human-sized. The penguin’s brain is still smaller than the human’s, Chapman admits, “But — and this is the point — it’s larger than it was!”



Oh, YouTube. You’re terrific.

Cleve Smith, 20, and Dwayne Taylor, 23 (two of the five folks in jail for the Vada Vasquez shooting), have been placed in protective custody “because they fear for their safety at Rikers Island.”

I thought that the Gorilla Bloods were made of stronger stuff, ladies.

Four babies have suffocated to death, leading to a recall of over 2,000,000 Stork Craft and Fisher-Price dropside cribs.

“Parents are urged to stop using the cribs until they’ve received a free repair kit from Stork Craft.”

Or, you know, they can just buy a replacement crib from a company that isn’t responsible for the deaths of any babies.

Oh, Miley Cyrus. You’re as humble as you are talented.

According to Page Six (today on page 12), Billy Ray Cyrus’ loinfruit went into Pop Burger and ordered some food for her and her friend. As is customary, the cashier asked for a name to mark the order with. “Are you serious? You don’t recognize me? I’m Miley Cyrus.”

The cashier didn’t recognize the name (or the face), ran her credit card and said, “That’s nice for you.”

I can’t wait for her to join Daddy in achy-breaky obscurity.

Cindy Adams has nothing of interest today (!) and signs off with, “Taking the holiday off… see you again Tuesday…”

I had no idea that Thanksgiving starts today and runs through Monday. Thanks, Cindy.

Alexandra Kerry can rest easy. No charges will be filed against her in connection with her recent arrest.

The system works!

Is NY1 cursed?

That lady reporter was put in a coma a few years back, Dominic Carter is now a convicted wife-beater, Roger Clark is as socially awkward as he is neckless and now misfortune has struck Dean Meminger.

On Sunday, a four-alarm fire blazed through a row of houses in the Bronx leaving dozens homeless and Dean Meminger’s father (Dean “The Dream” Meminger, formerly of the New York Knicks) in stable condition at Lincoln Hospital for smoke inhalation.

Watch your back, Kiernan.

Jim Bartek, of Maple Heights, Ohio, listened to the Judas Priest album Nostradamus every day for 524 consecutive days.

The band’s frontman, Rob Halford, told Bartek, “You’re a special guy.”

The double entendre was intentional, I’m sure.

If karma exists, then Biurny Peguero is in for a world of hurt.

In 2006, she accused three men of gang-raping her at knifepoint. One of them, William McCaffrey, went to prison. DNA tests on the bite-mark on her arm couldn’t be matched to McCaffrey (who Peguero insisted had bit her), but he was convicted anyway.

New tests prove the bite didn’t come from him. And Peguero, after chatting with her priest in a confessional, has asked authorities to let her “recant the rape story.”

There will be a hearing on December 10th. Prosecutors have already agreed to consent to overturning McCaffrey’s conviction, but what’s another week or two on wrongful imprisonment, right?

The system works! Slowly and erroneously!

Mailbag!

“Good riddance to Oprah Winfrey. Her brand of touchy-feely nonsense has helped elevate people’s feelings to an undeserved level of national importance. Doubt it? We now have laws governing what people can and can’t joke about at work. Get lost, already, Oprah. You have only helped to weaken this once great nation.” — Alec Lawson of Rowayton, Connecticut

“Winfrey is stepping down from her TV show in 2011. Rumor has it that she is doing so to join the Obama administration as the newly designated ‘Czar of Talk.” — Kenneth Zimmerman of Huntington Beach, California

“You have to say this for The Associated Press — it is a card-carrying member of the extended-pinky crowd and an educational outfit, to boot. Who knew that honesty was conferred along with a journalism degree? Now I understand why the rest of us need to be fact-checked. As the lamentable Dan Rather might say: Courage, Sarah.” – Paul Bloustein of Cincinnati, Ohio

Let’s review: Oprah has weakened the country by prohibiting Alec from telling racist and/or sexist jokes at his job, Kenneth is one of the unfathomably stupid Americans who think Obama created “Czars” (thus proving his Communist/Marxist/Leninist/Socialist/Nazi leanings), and Paul thinks the AP is trying to fact-check him and that smart people all extend their pinkies for some reason.

And yet, the dumbest folks all seem to have jobs at the Post. Case in point…

Puke Cocks (sorry, Ralph Peters)!

AFRAID TO KILL

‘Fighting’ terror with wishful thinking

This asshat has the audacity to ridicule Defense Secretary Robert Gates for saying, “we can’t kill our way out of this one” with regards to our War on Terror.

“What Gates and countless others really mean is that we’re unwilling to kill our way out of this assault on our civilization. So the terrorists keep on killing us.”

He also has a photo of AG Eric Holder with the caption Holder: Has no clue how Islamist terrorists think.

The only thing more disgusting than this jackass’ words is the ocean of letters I’ll read in the next couple of days applauding him for “getting it exactly right” and “hitting it on the nose.”

Maybe he’s right though. Maybe we should just bomb Terrorstan until everyone’s dead and then every other country will love us!

Gary Sheffield wants to reach a career total of 3,000 hits. He’s currently at 2,689, so it should be a problem for him to get to 3,000.

Oh, wait. That would require him getting hired by a professional baseball team for at least two years. That isn’t going to happen. Sorry, Cranky.

Hahahaha! Since a Russian guy is trying to buy the Nets and they are 0-13, the Post is calling them the New Jersey Nyets! Hahahahaha!

A documentary about Susan Boyle will air December 13th — on the TV Guide Network.

Does that mean that it will be shown above a scrolling list of what else is on?

Over 1,500 people complained to ABC about Adam Lambert’s raunchy performance on the American Music Awards, which I find incredible.

I had no idea that many people watched the AMA’s.

Regis Philbin is having hip replacement surgery.

That is the only time the words “Regis Philbin” and “hip” will ever appear in a sentence without the word “isn’t” connecting them.

I’m off to the supermarket to get some diet sodas. We both cut all soda out of our diet, but Atkins doesn’t allow that many sweet things. So, at least for the difficult first 2 weeks, we’re back of the diet soda wagon.

I highly recommend Canada Dry’s Diet Ginger Ale with Green Tea for anyone who wants to poison themselves.

Toodles!

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