Archive for November 25th, 2009

Palin Comparison

25th November
2009
written by jed

I haven’t had a chance to go to the movies in months. This made me sad, until I read today about how my local theater, The Pavilion, is suspected of having a bedbug problem.

I don’t miss the hunt for an unbroken seat, but I sorely miss their popcorn.

If there are actually bedbugs (since the source of this rumor is some message board postings, I remain skeptical — though that might just be the popcorn talking), I hope they get it fixed soon. Along with their seats.

HOME FREE tells the story of Suffolk Judge Jeffrey Spinner’s recent ruling in favor of Greg Horoski and his wife, Diane Yano-Horoski. They were on the verge of being foreclosed on by OneWest (the bank that owned their mortgage and also took $814,200,000 in federal bailout money). Spinner erased the $525,000 the couple owed, calling OneWest’s conduct, “inequitable, unconscionable, vexatious and opprobrious” and “harsh, repugnant, shocking and repulsive.”

OneWest’s response? “We respectfully disagree with the lower court’s unprecedented ruling and we expect that it will be overturned on appeal.”

Sadly, I think OneWest is correct, but maybe Greg and Diane will be able to keep their home and this case will set a new precedent.

Every electric bill in New York will go up between 4% and 6% in April 2010. And again in April 2011. And again in April 2012.

Outstanding.

Is the New York State government working on an involuntary warning system that, in the case of emergency, will interrupt your Xbox, Wii or PlayStation game? Yes!

The idea of interrupting a game of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 to issue an Amber alert strikes me as hilarious.

Charities across the country are running out of the turkeys that they use ever year to feed to homeless.

In a related story, a new poll says that 52% of pet owners plan on buying Christmas presents for their pets.

(waves miniature American flag)

Page 7 is a full-page photo of a “mentally troubled man” who somehow wound up in one of the enclosures at the new Baren Park in Bern, Switzerland. Baren is Swiss for “bear.”

The photo is of the man being chewed on by a 550-pound bear. He is covered in blood. In the bottom left corner, there’s another photo of pretty much the same thing (except in this one, you can see his bloody face more clearly). Somehow, the man survived.

I hope that every columnist who eviscerated Oprah for broadcasting the chimp-maul lady’s face (a photo of which the Post then ran repeatedly, including on their front page) takes a really good look at today’s page 7.

Really, Obama? Really?

I’m looking at the menu for last night’s first state dinner at the White House. The first course?

White House Arugula with Onion Seed Viniagrette.

In volleyball, that’s called a “set.” I wonder which Fox News screaming head will be the first to spike.

Calabasas, California. A beautiful little town despite Jessica Simpson living there.

A Facebook group declared it was “Kick A Ginger Day,” prompting at least five attacks on red-haired students at a local middle school. No one was seriously hurt (unless you count feelings).

(waves miniature Irish flag)

Vada Vasquez looked up at her mother yesterday and whispered, “Mom.”

She remains in stable condition in the intensive-care unit.

Awesome.


Good Morning America has bumped Adam Lambert from its show because of his raunchy AMA performance (He kissed a male dancer! On the TV! Like when Roseanne kissed a lady on her show 152 years ago!), but CBS’ The Early Show and The Late Show with David Letterman will feature him a guest today/tonight.

To be fair, he also shoved another male dancer’s face in his crotch to simulate fellatio, but didn’t Madonna build an empire doing the same thing?

Lambert insists that if he were female, no one would have had a problem. I agree. Unless, of course, the dancer whose face he rubbed his junk on was also a woman.


I’ve learned to check that I’m online before clicking the “publish” button. Today I learned that sometimes I will get logged out somehow and — even if I’m online — the post won’t automatically save any drafts as a result. So… here is where the excerpt of the original post ends. I will try to reproduce what I wrote before, but it took a while and I have stuff to get done… I need a personal assistant.

Nymeen Cheatham, 32, pleaded guilty of beating Kyle Smith to death with her hairbrush. Her plea bargain “should have her out of prison by 2025.”

If we were talking about the Kyle Smith who reviews movies for the Post, I’d argue that the sentence was too harsh. Sadly, he’s still alive. No, the Kyle Smith that Cheatham beat to death was her 3-year-old godson.

Less than 20 years for beating your 3-year-old godson to death? With a hairbrush?

The system works?

Michael Goodwin, to paraphrase Cuddy, has met my low expectations and exceeded them.

His big ‘un today is Barack & Sarah’s reversal of fortune. Michael believes that the victorious Obama and the defeated and vilified Palin of late 2008 have switched places with each other’s present-day selves.

It’s a perfectly valid point: The status that Barack Obama had when he became America’s first Black POTUS is equivalent to Sarah Palin’s current bus tour of various and sundry Borders and U.S. Army bases (where she has been asked to not open her mouth about politics [you know, the thing she quit so that someone could ghostwrite her book for her]). And currently, Obama is being ridiculed by the parts of America with teeth because his daughter got knocked up by some White trash and he’s spending every waking minute blaming everyone for his losses.

It boggles my mind that people who aren’t required to wear bicycle helmets everywhere they go can actually say “[Sarah Palin's] becoming the phenomenon Obama was a year ago” without bursting out in laughter (or screaming “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” before and after it). It makes me think of the guy who refuses to debate people who believe in “intelligent design” because that would imply that “intelligent design” is as possible and evolution are on equal footing.

Sarah Palin went from graduating the 4th college she attended to fancy pagaent-walkin’ to mayor of the Alaskan town with the state’s worst crystal meth epidemic to governor of that state (right up until she decided that the best way to serve her constituents was to renege on her promise to serve them). She did awful things while in office and then she lied during the debates. That established her (to us pinky-extending smarty-pantses) as a liar. That is why her book was fact-checked. She is a liar. Her most rabid fans don’t even know her positions (because she loves tellin’ people that real Americans don’t need no strategery sessions — God puts in our hearts what the right thing to do is!), nor do they really know the details of Democratic bills or why they hate them so much, just that they do (God put that hate in their hearts! Who are you to judge it?).

Goodwin also reprimands Obama for playing golf again after returned from his trip(s) overseas (or as Mikey calls it “a bowing-and-scraping trip to Asia”). He also can’t resist pulling out the old “Obama thinks he’s Jesus” meme that real Americans so treasure (“He set those expectations with messianic-like promises..”). You hear that, mouth-breathers? He’s trying to replace Jesus Christ! He thinks he’s the new Jesus Christ! Agreeing with him on any policy makes you an accessory to the Anti-Christ! Vote Republican or burn in Hell!

But today’s piece de resistance is Hold 9/11 trial in Bam’s hometown. Goodwin has long insisted that having the trial here makes us more likely to be attacked by terrorists.“A poll” that Goodwin found (possibly in his ass, possibly somewhere else) says that 52% of New York City residents agree that an attack is “more likely” because the trial is being held here. In a poll that probably asked “Do you think the trial makes it less likely, as likely or more likely that there will be another terrorist attack?” I would have to answer that it is (ever-so-slightly) more likely that there will be an attack. But, then, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop for over eight years. It hasn’t, and I’m tired of worrying about boogeymen. So while I believe that, yes, the pendulum has swung from a 99/1 chance to 98.9/1.1, I also believe that the terrorists won’t attack — that New York is ready this time and the only people who should be nervous are the defendants.

Goodwin’s position gives the terrorists power. Courage is trying those fuckers at the scene of the crime and making them pay with their lives. I believe that if the people I elected tell me they have it covered, they have it covered. The piece ends with one final paragraph.

“Since the Obama White House is so keen on a trial, let’s move it to the president’s hometown. Chicago and Khalid Sheik Mohammed — perfect together.”

Michael Goodwin wants the trial to be moved to where Obama used to live (his family lives in Washington, D.C. for the next three years), despite (because of?) the fact that it will make a terrorist attack more likely (to Goodwin this means “imminent”). The second sentence is especially bizarre to me. What did Chicago ever do to Michael Goodwin? Did Chicago and Mad Men force Goodwin and Michael Starr to have sex with each other?

Stay classy, Mike.

Palin’s write $tuff beats out Hillary takes up almost all of page 12. Hillary’s book (published in June 2003) sold 600,000 copies in its first week. Palin’s “book” that she “wrote” sold 600,000 copies in its first two days (according the fawning Michael Goodwin) and 700,000 in the entire first week (which means that people are almost finished buying it).

Here’s a totally non-partisan sentence: “But as the sales of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s tome have fizzled by now, Palin’s book yesterday was the No. 1 seller on Amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.”

Clinton published her book 6 years ago, you horrible newspaper! “Since The Dark Knight and Titanic haven’t grossed a single penny at the box office in many months, it looks like Twilight is the best movie ever made.”

From the author’s note of Going Rogue: “I’m very glad this writing exercise is over. I love to write, but not about myself.” Says the “author” of this “book” who told Oprah that she’s been writing personal journals every day since she was a kid.

I love to read, but not about her.

The Nyets (heh) had a court victory yesterday. No, not on the court — in the court.

The Court of Appeals ruled (6-1) that eminent domain can be exercised in the construction of their new stadium across the street from Pathmark.

Losing your home is bad enough, but to a team that’s currently 0-14?

Rain during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

God must really like Glee.

The Gotti jurors are deadlocked. Gotti’s attorney asked for a mistrial. The judge said no and told the jurors to keep trying to reach a verdict. But why fight the inevitable, your honor?

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Gotti gotta walk, feds gotta re-indict.

(cue “Circle of Life” from The Lion King)

If they refer to this as celebrity boxing, I swear to God I’m filing a class-action lawsuit.

Rodney King will be boxing in Philadelphia (of course) on December 18th. His oppenent will be Lou Bellera for some reason. He’s Amy Fisher’s husband.

For some reason.

Since Cindy Adams is on vacation/at death’s door, I’ll give her column a shot.

Ahem.

The article The icebergs cometh warns that “hundreds of icebergs believed to have split off Antarctic ice shelves are drifting north toward New Zealand.” Directly above it is Climate bill on thin ice which proudly trumpets that the GOP has put all global warming legislation “on life support” because it’s all hokum anyway.

Only in the New York Post, kiddies. Only in the New York Post.

I need a shower.

iTunes has started selling live concerts for as little as $7.99.

Will Ticketmaster try to argue that this will hurt their profits?

Consider it a handling fee, you asshats.

An 18-year-old student at Sacred Heart University claims that she was having consensual sex with a fellow student when two other students jumped out and had sex with her while the guy she was with held her down. The three “men” in this scenario are all lacrosse players at SHU. If true, all three should be thrown in prison for a looooong time. But (and you’ll have to forgive my skepticism) when I hear that three lacrosse players raped someone, I feel like I need to wait for more intel.

Harold Ford Jr. might run against Sen. Gillibrand! Awesome!

I wonder how that would affect the supposed 9iu11ani landslide…

A zoo in Indiana is selling dried ‘n’ sterilized deer poops (which they cover with glitter) as Christmas tree ornaments and necklaces. I couldn’t find a photo of them online.

You’re welcome.

Editorials in a nutshell: The New York Legislature is too big, Obama’s full of shit, global warming is bullshit, we shouldn’t have the 9/11 trial here, and if we do have the trial here then the government will lose the case against the terrorists.

Movie reviews!

Lou Lumenick gives three stars to both The Princess and the Frog (“…simply ribbiting”) and Me and Orson Welles (“Ham on wry.”).

Kyle Smith gives Ninja Assassin two and a half stars (Kyle compares the physical traumas suffered by the film’s titular hero to his having to attend a screening of Old Dogs — three times), two stars to The Road (“Zombieland was the same movie with laughs, but if you take away the comedy, what is left?”), and one star to Old Dogs (it’s a tie: “Old Dogs does to the screen what old dogs do to the carpet.” and “[H]as [Seth Green] always been this small? His dimensions are somewhere between garden gnome and dashboard ornament.”).

But what of Hammond?

Pete Hammond calls Old Dogs “riotously funny!”

God bless you, Hammond.

Kelsey Grammer will co-star in a Broadway revival of La Cage aux Folles.

He’ll be playing Frasier.

Dancing With the Stars crowned Donny Osmond the winner of their horrible show last night. That means we can all relax until the show returns in… January 2010? Seriously?

Watch Modern Family. There’s a re-run of it at 8:00 tonight (on ABC), with a new episode at 9:00.

Great cast, great writing. I thought I’d hate another show in the “we’re in a documentary for some reason” style that Gervais and Merchant perfected in The Office, but when the fat kid told his mother, “I gave her my heart, she gave me a photo of me as an old-time sheriff,” I knew this was worth my time (and yours).

If I don’t post tomorrow, Happy Thanksgiving, you turkey!

For your health!

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