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Thurzdy ‘n’ Frydy

27th November
2009
written by jed

Last night was delicious. However, the drinking of the coffee after the eating of the turkey led to the staying up until late of the me (and, thankfully to a lesser extent, Teresa). I am exhausted, but a deal’s a deal. First, an abbreviated version of yesterday’s paper.

The two folks on the front page (PARTY DUPERS) somehow managed to get into Obama’s state dinner despite not being on any of the guest lists. They also got their picture taken with Rahm and Biden. The 2-page follow up (CRASHING BAM’S BIG BASH) claims that Michaele Salahi (who was there with her husband, Tareq) is in contention to be one of the Real Housewives of Washington, D.C. (what a great idea, Bravo!) and they thought this stunt might put them over the top.

As I read about this (and the “pimp” and “prostitute” who keep punking ACORN offices), I wished that someone would start pulling pranks on the right wing. Last night I watched the video of the Canadian lady who got Palin to denounce the Canadian health-care system at a Borders. So now I’m wishing for $15,000.

Lou Dobbs, in anticipation of what he actually thinks is a sound decision — namely his 2012 presidential candidacy — is starting to court the Latino community of the United States.

“Whatever you have thought of me in the past, I can tell you right now that I am one of your greatest friends and I mean for us to work together,” he said in an interview with Telemundo.

“But if I lose,” he added after the cameras stopped rolling, “I will round up every one of you beige people and send you back to whatever third world armpit you came here from. So, you know, weigh your options carefully.”

The doctor who treated Vada Vasquez, who is now speaking after spending a week in a coma, says that she should be ready for release in about a month.

Fingers crossed.

Pages 10 and 11 (THE 9/11 TAPES) are filled up with texts that were sent during the morning of 9/11/01. The article has the banner headline Pager messages reveal confusion, fright and desperate pleas for info, which is odd because I always assumed those messages would be totally calm and aloof with a hint of satire. I won’t reprint any of them, but thanks again, Post for reminding me how awful that day was.

Obama pardoned a turkey. Then he made a joke.

“You know, there are certain days that remind me of why I ran for this office. And then there are moments like this — where I pardon a turkey and send it to Disneyland.”

Glenn Beck is close to figuring out why this is an outrageous slap in the face to the victims at Fort Hood.

Three grade-school students have been arrested and charged with conspiracy to commit a crime and criminal possession of a weapon. One of them was caught (with a boxcutter) by a school safety agent and, after being interrogated by police, he gave up his two accomplices. The three had planned to attack a member of the faculty (a knife was also recovered in a search of the boys). The school? PS 2 in Morrisania.

The kid with the boxcutter? 9 years old. His accomplices? 8 and 11.

(waves miniature American flag)

Good Morning America won’t let Adam Lambert on, but you can catch an interview (“followed by a performance of songs from his new album” — that’s songs with an s!) with Chris Brown (the guy who beat up Rihanna!) on an upcoming episode!

Don’t kiss other guys, fellas; smack yo’ lady!

“Sarah Palin asks, ‘If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?’ It’s a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made of meat. And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is nobody should go to Sarah Palin’s house for Thanksgiving.” — Jimmy Fallon

Mandrea!

Spew gotta be kiddin’ with all the blame games takes a firm stance against all those whiny new autobiographies out there. Andre Agassi’s Open, Mackenzie Phillips’ High on Arrival, Theo Fleury’s Playing with Fire… Peyser insists that all of these books are an indication of how pussified and apologetic our country has become (“Love too much? You’re a sex addict. Hate too grossly? That’s [sic] makes you a rage-aholic.”)… including the one purported to be written by Sarah Palin.

“Sarah Palin jumped on the reality book-writing bandwagon with Going Rogue – a triumphant best seller in which she manages to blame everyone from Katie Couric to Sen. John McCain for her failure to become the first moose-shooting vice president [sic] of the United States. Everyone, that is, except herself.”

Wow. Didn’t see that one coming.

“Competing with Mackenzie for the top of the “ick” mountain soon will be Chaz Bono — born Chastity. The daughter, now son, of Sonny and Cher is writing a memoir, Coming Clean, that will describe, in nausea-provoking detail, her emotional, physical and surgical change from a woman to a man.”

Did see that one coming (on account of she’s an intolerant woman who is constantly mistaken for a man).

In Put this Lam on a skewer, she wonders “what was more painful, listening to American Idol loser Adam Lambert warbling like a tone-deaf duck on Sunday’s American Music Awards, or watching him kiss a guy on the mouth, lead another by a leash, and thrust his crotch into the face of some poor dancer who just showed up for work. The mind aches.”

I can imagine how your mind must ache, Mandrea. You actually watched the AMA’s. On purpose.

“Someone needs to start putting warning signs on the tube. Or holding auditions.”

Um… he auditioned for American Idol. Dummy.

Go back to your hovel under a bridge.

Apple takes shine to ‘Rogue’ attributes 21,000 sales of “Palin’s” “book” in New York City so far. The Post calls this “[not doing] too shabby.”

I think there were more people at the last Nets game.

Michelle Malkin’s The Unforgettable ‘Turkeys’ of 2009 lists the biggest flops of the year. They include The stimulus, Green-jobs czar Van Jones (czar = Communist, people!), The New York Times, Tea Party-bashers (“Millions of ordinary, peaceful Americans joined the Tea Party Movement…”), and President O-bow-ma (“This month, he provoked global derision when he broke protocol and performed a spineless blunder in front of the Japanese emperor.”).

Global derision? For performing the custom of the head of state he was meeting? Are you even partially serious?

You are a horrible person, Michelle, and Shannen Doherty’s eyes are less uneven then yours.

Lou Lumenick put together his very own awards for the worst of 2009 (is his cubicle next to Malkin’s?).

“EVIDENCE THAT NOVELIST-TURNED-SCREENWRITER MAY BE THE ANTICHRIST: The insufferably smug Away We Go and the insufferably twee Where the Wild Things Are.”

Ironically, I’ve found that only the smuggest of the smug use the word “twee.”

Shelley Duncan is no longer a New York Yankee.

I think that’s a mistake.

The Knicks are 3-12.

The Nets are 0-15.

Adam Lambert on the negative reactions to his AMA performance: “I’m not a babysitter. I’m a performer… I think it’s because I’m a gay male.”

I think someone’s already finished Going Rogue…

And now, today’s paper.

The cover story today is a regurgitation of yesterday’s cover story. SCRIPT TEASE offers very little new info in the story of the Salahis (though today’s 2-page follow-up has some new photos — including one with Charlie Rangel). Stop featuring publicity-hungry jackasses on the front pages of newspapers. It encourages them.

P.S. – $20 says she gets cast on Bravo’s latest shrew-sploitation epic.

It didn’t rain during the parade yesterday.

God must hate Glee.

What a great political cartoon! Al Gore is asking Michael Moore, a boy with his pants on fire, Pinocchio, and a boy in tears and waving a picture of a wolf, “DO WE HAVE A CONSENSUS THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS SETTLED SCIENCE?”

Outstanding work, guy who forgot to sign what is surely his magnum opus!

Page Six (today on page 14) has yet still another photo of Peter Dinklage walking his dog.

Cut it out.

How much money does it take to convince the Swiss courts to release a man who lived as a fugitive from justice for over 30 years?

$4,500,000. Roman Polanski will pay that much in bail and will be placed under house arrest in his $1,600,000 mountain chalet in the Alps.

Nothing is definite just yet, but it looks like Roman will be released in the next “couple of weeks.”

Forget it, Jake. It’s Switzerland.

Jermaine Jackson on the recent suicide of Evan Handler, the father of the boy who claimed that Michael Jackson Billie Jeaned his Thriller (if you know what I mean): “This kid’s father has committed suicide because he just couldn’t take it and now the kid has come forward and said Michael never touched him. He never touched him.”

The people at the charity event Jermaine was speaking at seemed a little confused by this and, when he started to grab the food off of their plates, they had security remove him.

Thailand has some strict new rules regarding sex in their country. Sex changes, that is.

Finding an 8-year-old to have sex with is still as easy to find as a noodle shop, but if you want a sex-change operation, you will have to spend a year cross-dressing to make sure you definitely want to go through with it.

A whole year?!? But I want to be a ladyboy now!

Howie Mandel has written a new book titled Here’s the Deal: Don’t Touch Me.

It will discuss both his germaphobia and his job hosting Would You Like To Accept The Current Offer For Your Numbered Briefcase or Would You Like To Point At More Numbered Briefcases?

Lance Armstrong has also written a new book and, despite my numerous e-mails and letters, it is not titled Life’s a Ball.

There’s an editorial about those poor Navy SEALs who stand accused of abusing a prisoner. It demands that we just accept that if a Navy SEAL punches someone, they probably had a really good reason to do so and we shouldn’t question their motives or actions.

And yet, for some bizarre reason, this same newspaper questions everything their elected officials do and say (the Democratic ones, anyway).

Curious.

James J. Ring of Ossining (that rhymes!) writes in to say, “When Obama and Holder decided on a show trial in New York, they ensured that the courtroom will be a circus. If the trial becomes a political disaster, Holder’s job is safe only until the first bus comes along.”

I have absolutely no idea what James means. Is the bus going to explode? Is it a bus out of town? Is it the bus that will take the circus to their next performance?

Any insight is greatly appreciated.

Bill O’Reilly applauds the current “we’re mad as Hell that people focus on our rampant child abuse and our ex-communicating Catholics for being pro-choice, and we’re not going to take it anymore” revolt by folks like Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York.

Someone punch him in the throat and break his fingers.

Is it just me or do this year’s Black Friday sales (10% off everything!!!!) seem incredibly tame?

Yesterday, Shelley Duncan left the Yankees. Today, it’s Bob Sheppard.

Granted, Sheppard hasn’t actually done any public address announcing at the Stadium (either of them) for over two years (those are all recordings of Bob Sheppard, fans), but the 99-year-old is making his retirement official.

Many thanks, Bob.

The New York Giants are finished for the season. Oh, they’ll still play games, but the outcomes will all be full of sound and fury (signifying nothing).

A new TV version of The Human Target (with Chi McBride and Jackie Earle Haley!) will start airing on January 17th. Kitchen Nightmares returns on January 29th.

But Season 14 of South Park is over. And I still have no idea what’s going on with Southland.

Why you gotta be like that, television?

My wife is home and the sun isn’t completely out of the sky! And it’s weekend time!

See you later, kiddies!

Dailies

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