Remember that story about the people who crashed the state dinner? Well, today’s front page is a photo of the woman shaking hands with Obama (WELCOME!). And, like Thursday and Friday, there’s a 2-page follow-up (with photo of the woman and Katie Couric!). Her mother (Michaele Salahi’s, not Katie Couric’s) insists that “They’re blowing this out of proportion. This is outrageous.” She also says, “I’m very proud of the way [Michaele]’s handling this. She’s not crying. There hasn’t been a tear in her eye because she knows she proceeded appropriately.”

According to the law, it is illegal to “knowingly make statements on matters involving the federal government.” Which, unless the Salahis told the guy at the gate, “We’re just a couple of douchebags who want to be on the TV. Please let us in,” is exactly what these folks did.

In fact, a Bravo camera crew was following the Salahis for the entire day, filming them right up to the front gates of the White House. Which makes Bravo an accomplice. I will pray to Jeebus that Bravo gets prosecuted. Then (and only then) then will I Watch What Happens™.

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Mike Bloomberg didn’t spend $100,000,000 to get re-elected.

He spent $102,000,000 (that’s $174 for each vote he got). That means that, starting with his first run in 2001, he has spent $261,000,000 of his own money.

Normally, you’d have to play for the Yankees for almost 10 years to get that kind of money.

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Tiger Woods crashed his car. Some folks say he was injured in the crash. Others say his wife injured him prior to his driving. Some have even said that his wife “clawed his face” because she found out about an affair through “sexts” on Tiger’s phone.

The affair is allegedly with Rachel Uchitel, who you may remember from the front page of the New York Post on September 14th, 2001. She was holding up a picture of her fiancé, Andy O’Grady, and weeping.

The Orlando Sentinel reported that Tiger “had cuts on his lips and was bleeding from the mouth and nose” and “drifted in and out of consciousness” after police arrived, and that his wife, Elin, “was frantic, upset.”

But the one detail that fits both the “she was trying to rescue him from the car after he passed out” version and the “she was angry and trying to beat up her husband” version can be found in the caption of one of the photos of Elin, “who smashed through the rear window with a club to get to him.”

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According to Page Six (today on page 10), Courtney Love was spotted making out (“in front of astonished onlookers”) with actor DJ Qualls.

B’also, Lindsay Lohan’s “security crew” confiscated the mobile phone of Gabe Saporta (lead singer of Cobra Starship) and erased all of his pictures. Why? Because he photographed Lindsay “partying.” Hey, Gabe? Get a Droid. Google backs up everything. Fo’ reals.

B’also’also, Page Six said that Jennifer Aniston “outshone the other stars” at the re-opening of the La Mamounia Hotel in Marrakech, Morocco. Other guests included Miranda Kerr, Bryan Ferry, Dree Hemingway, Glenda Bailey, Colin Cowlie, Matthew Williamson, Daria Werbowy and Shinan Govani. And yet, somehow, Jennifer Aniston outshone them all.

B’one more: Snoop Dogg put a song on his new album called “1800.” In exchange for that, he gets a lifetime supply of 1800 tequila. Which is why I will be releasing my new song “Low-Cost Health Insurance” in the next few days.

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Elle magazine has named Michelle Obama the most stylish political figure in the world (Carla Bruni came in second).

The New York Post, meanwhile, continues to pay columnists to make fun of Michelle’s exposed arms.

Sacre boo.

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When we go to California next month, we plan on taking the AirTrain to the airport.

Oh, look: One of them lost two of its doors while traveling early yesterday. Oh, look: The AirTrain is a fully-computerized train and has no motorman or conductor. Oh, look: I’m calling a car service.

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The IRS says Governor Ah-nuld owes $80,000 in taxes.

But don’t worry — he carries more than that in the space between his two front teeth.

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Mary Jo Coady, of Methuen, Massachusetts, claims that Jesus Christ appeared to her as a stain on her iron and told her that, despite her recent separation from her husband and reduction of her hours at work, “life is going to be good.”

Asked about what she’d do with the iron, she said that she would “keep the stained iron in a closet and buy a new one.”

Blasphemy!

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In today’s reader mail… I knew it.

“Ralph Peters’ article could not be more accurate.” — Rich Maldonado, Staten Island

“Peters and the majority of Americans realize the dangers of fanatical Islam.” — Matthew Nugent, Staten Island

“Holder is trying to impose ‘liberal arts’ solutions to a security problem.” — Charlie Honadel, Staten Island

Oh, that’s why we never go to Staten Island…

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John Wilson explains why Rep. Patrick Kennedy is “wrong” and that he should be excommunicated (Less of a Catholic) for not siding with the pro-life lobby.

Whatever happened to answering to God in the next life for your sins in this one? Why not just let Jeebus deal with Patrick? Why you gots to get all up in his heezy, church?

Stay classy, Catholicism.

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The Knicks are 3-13.

The Nets are 0-16. That means that if they lose their next game (Sunday at 9:30!), they’ll tie the NBA record for worst start of a season (the 1988-89 Heat and 1998-99 Clippers shame that [dis]honor). If they also lose their following game (Wednesday at 7:30!), they will be in a (horrible, cringeworthy) class by themselves.

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GIANTS’ SEASON ON THE BRINK? Unless the Post is talking about next season, I disagree. This one is over. Just walk away, fans. Nothing to see here.

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This is exactly how Sophie felt.

Tomorrow on ABC Family at 8:00 p.m., Mario Lopez provides the voice for the titular yellow Labrador Retriever in the live-action The Dog Who Saved Christmas (he “winds up outwitting a pair of thieves trying to break into the family home” – it’s like Home Alone meets a movie about a dog who saves Christmas somehow!).

Tomorrow on CBS at 9:00 p.m., Noel Fisher stars as “a developmentally challenged young man” who adopts a yellow Labrador Retriever and names him Christmas in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, A Dog Named Christmas.

How can I pick just one?

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We’re having brunch with various members of the family tomorrow in Williamsburg. I have no idea when (or if) we’ll get back. But I’ll write something eventually. That’s how I do.

Happy weekend!