So many lovely people at one table (not to mention some mad delicious bacon, yo). And the view from my cousin’s new apartment is kind of ridiculous (note to self: your phone is a camera, dummy). A Sunday well-spent (despite it being only 4:00 p.m.). Let’s see what the Post has to say.

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TIGER COPS OUT

Stonewalls police twice about wife and ‘accident’

Tiger Woods started two gay riots? The accompanying paragraph of text states, “Weak-swinging cops have hit a double bogey in their attempts to interview Tiger Woods and wife Elin about the bizarre car crash outside his Florida home that left Tiger with minor injuries and Elin swinging a golf club. Police plan to try a third time today.”

1) I see what they did there.

2) Maybe they should call first?

3) I’m pretty sure that’s Elin’s home, too, you sexist newspaper.

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Roughly half of the $96,700,000 of Medicaid abuse found in the state of New York has come from New York City health-care providers and hospitals. I wonder how much abuse was committed by the folks like Dr. Marc Siegel who insist that health-care reform will kill granny and cost me more (new study by MIT: it will cost me less, jerk).

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Pedro Espada, Jr., who is one of the lowest forms of excrement on Moh’s Excrement Scale, sent a letter to his employees (at his second job — being in charge of Soundview HealthCare Network) urging them to “immediately” call his lawyers if they are contacted by the Attorney General’s office or “any other member of law enforcement investigating Soundview.”

When questioned about this, Espada explained, “Employees are entitled to in-house legal counsel… The letter was a formality to remind them.”

I wonder how much Medicaid fraud was committed by Soundview.

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HE’S TOM TORO-IFIC takes a whole page to tell us about Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz’s latest motion picture, Knight & Day (I’ve been waiting for this celestial re-pairing ever since they co-starred in the almost-Shadowboxerian Vanilla Sky). “If he wasn’t Tom Cruise the movie star, he would be the best stuntman in the business,” gushes Cameron Diaz (causing every stuntman in Los Angeles to simultaneously belly-laugh and hate Cameron Diaz).

Fun fact: The movie’s budget? $90,000,000. The amount of money that has already been spent on the still-being-filmed epic? $180,000,000.

Fun opinion: Tom Cruise is gay, he is insane, his “religion” is insane, he is gay, Katie Holmes is going to write a book in ten years that will force him into hiding and also, he is gay.

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The 2-page spread on Tiger Woods’ car accident is laid out like a cross between the JFK assassination and The Family Circus.

Ida Know had no comment.

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In 2007, 439 clubs and restaurants in the New York City/Long Island/Westchester area had “special permits for late-night partying.”

In 2008, only 388 had one.

This year, the number has fallen to 165. Which means that either there are going to be a lot less New Years’ Eve parties this year or that there are going to be a lot more illegal ones.

Or both.

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Benjamin Doctor has been convicted of 134 misdemeanors over the last 30 years. Seven of them are since March 2009.

The EXCLUSIVE article (134 busts! So why is this guy free?) includes the sentence, “He was sentenced to 45 days and, for today at least, is behind bars at Rikers.”

Only in the New York Post, kiddies. Only in the awful New York Post.

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Mike Penner, 52, committed suicide and was pronounced dead on Friday.

Penner, a sportswriter for the LA Times, announced that he was a transexual in an April 26, 2007 article (“Old Mike, New Christine” — which has nothing whatsoever to do with the CBS sitcom The New Adventures of Old Christine) and promised that (after a few weeks’ vacation) he would return “as a woman.” But he went back to his old name last year.

I am uncertain as to which junk he had when he died, but he (she?) was a great journalist and will be missed (mistered?).

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This warmed my heart.

The Salahis (the state dinners crashers) “owe everybody a zillion dollars. Doors are starting to get closed in their faces. Their money is running out, and they are on their last gasp.”

They told the press that they want at least “six figures” for an interview with them.

Pay it, Bravo!

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Yup. Amy Fisher’s husband and Rodney King’s boxing match was put together by the founder of the Celebrity Boxing Federation.

If you know a good fraud attorney, let me know. I want to get this class-action party started.

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Joe Girardi works out at the Equinox in Scarsdale?

Maybe it’s time to get back into shape, Dad?

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Page Six (today on page 13) has a candid photo of Susan Boyle in her polka-dot bathrobe steeping out to get her paper.

Not. Safe. For. Eyes.

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Has Pulp Fiction co-writer Roger Avary been Twittering from prison?

Is “avary” really him? If so, will this impact his year-long sentence?

From Oscar-winning writer to Twittering jailbird.

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The National Geographic Channel is airing a special tonight at 9:00 called Nazi Mystery: Twins from Brazil.

For decades, according to the special, a remote Brazilian village has been churning out twins with “clean-cut Aryan features” for decades. Is Josef Mengele to blame?

Ira Levin had no comment.

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According to Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Brad and Angelina will soon be getting a divorce. The Post’s headline for a 2-page excerpt from that book is Pot-puffing Pitt & paranoid Jolie on road to breakup amid loud & ’scary’ fights, so it must be true.

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Kyle Smith writes about how cap-and-trade legislation is awful and global warming is “all a bunch of crap” (he was quoting Homer Simpson, to be fair, but that’s still his actual point of view regardless).

Melissa Lafsky warns that Twilight: New Moon is teaching young girls the wrong lessons about love.

Peggy Noonan explains (in HITTING A NEW LOW) “How the bow can become symbol of Obama’s presidency.”

Marcio Moreira of Chatham, New Jersey writes in to say that “Michael Goodwin’s piece [on Obama's bowing in Asia] was right on the money.”

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What a great idea for a book (seriously)!

Hellraisers: The Life and Inebriated Times of Richard Burton, Richard Harris, Peter O’Toole and Oliver Reed is exactly the kind of book I adore. And I’ve heard enough of the stories about these guys and alcohol to want to read more.

Hello, Brooklyn Library!

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What a great idea for a product (seriously)!

GraTRUEities are business card-sized notes with one-liners printed on them, which you leave with your tip (at a restaurant), explaining what you specifically thought about the service. Some examples: “Hovering is for aircraft.” “The best service I’ve seen since Wimbledon!” “A sense of timing is a mark of genius.” “Man does not live by bread (or water) alone.” “Today’s special was you.” “Gone, but not forgotten.”

The inventors, Julie McHenry and Nancy Grushkin, sell $10 “decks” of 52 cards — 40 are pre-inscribed, 12 are blank (so you can make up your own zingers).

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What a great idea for a television show (incredibly sarcastically)!

‘SHORE’ THING: New Jersey gets its day in the sun, thanks to a guido invasion gushes over MTV’s new “reality” “tv show” Jersey Shore.

When did “guido” become an acceptable name for the people of Seaside Heights? It’s accurate, sure, but acceptable?

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Gawker.com claims that Derek Jeter is going to be named Sports Illustrated’s 2009 Sportsman of the Year.

The award comes with the swimsuit issue and a phone shaped like a football (but only if you call now).

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Now that’s good sports reporting!

Under the headline HIGH SCHOOL: Win streak ends at 79, is this (in its entirety): Smith Center High School lost 20-12 in overtime in the Kansas high school Class 2-1A title game in Hays, Kan., ending the Redmen’s 79-game winning streak, the longest in Kansas history and one of the longest in the country.”

What a great story! Now can someone please tell me what sport they were playing?

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Bud Selig will step down in 2012.

OMG! That’s one of the signs of Apocalypto!

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Next Sunday is not the NY Giants’ last stand, Post. That was last Thursday.

Please make a note of it.

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Rex Ryan says the Jets are not “even close to crumbling.”

Please make a laugh at it.

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I hope everyone enjoyed their long(ish) weekend. I’m expecting some freelance work this week, so I don’t know how much free time I’ll have. But I’ll do m’darndest to read this horrible newspaper (so you don’t have to).

Have a great week, kids!