Archive for November 30th, 2009

Congratulations, Finkelpeoples!

30th November
2009
written by jed

Long-time reader (first-time caller) Scott Finkelstein and his lovely wife have a new kid. That’s awesome.

I am writing this morning while The Lost Boys: The Tribe is playing in the background. The lady from the first one (was she the mother? grandmother? aunt?) just rented The Goonies for her twenty-something relatives/tenants. I wonder if that was Corey Feldman’s idea. Not awesome.

CAGEY TIGER

Ducks police 3rd day

Tiger Woods continued to “stonewall police” (when does it become “obstructing justice”?), issuing a statement (in lieu of an actual interview) that says, “I’m human and I’m not perfect” and that his wife “acted courageously.”

Cops showed up for the third time and Tiger again (again) refused to speak to them (remember when I suggested calling first, po-po?). Pages 4 and 5 include Tiger’s statement (as posted on tigerwoods.com) and a sidebar about Rachel Uchitel (she has hired Gloria Allred, so expect some lawsuits real soon). Page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six) is the 911 transcript between the dispatcher and Tiger’s neighbor.

All of this is fascinating, but not as fascinating as…

…David Hasselhoff drinking enough vodka to induce a seizure. Since Friday, he’s been held (involuntarily!) at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. B’also? His ex-wife, Pamela Bach, was arrested for driving drunk on Saturday night.

No idea how this will affect the taping of their new reality competition show, America’s Got A Drinking Problem.

Awwww. That’s adorable. They photoshopped Anthony Marshall’s head (he’s 85) onto Little Orphan Annie’s body, and then they Photoshopped Annie’s hair onto his head. Why? Because he’s asking for his 1-year mandatory sentence to be dismissed “in consideration of his good deeds managing [his mother's] finances.”

Which the Post compares to “the guy who kills his parents and then begs for leniency because he’s an orphan.”

Oddly enough, this is the prettiest that Sarah Jessica Parker has ever looked.

Deer Park, that’s good water! If by water you mean doots!

Eduardo Matos, 71, was visiting his son on Long Island when a section of lawn gave way and he dropped into a cesspool — up to his neck. But he didn’t panic. “I was calm… If you panic, that shit will suck you right in.”

Literally.

My irony meter just exploded.

The woman that the Post pays to tell me about (among other things) reality television (“More fun than a barrel full of Botox!” she said of the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale; “The Jerry Springer Show on Botox!” she called the Real Housewives of New York reunion) has a column on page 7 called Stop giving fame junkies their sick fix (The New York Post home page has Michaele Salahi as their #1 “Hot Topic” [followed by Adam Lambert and Tiger Woods]).

Linda Stasi calls reality TV “the bottom feeder of entertainment” and implores us all to stop paying attention to these “wannabes” by not watching their shows. A quick peek at her column in the TV section today finds her calling Steven Seagal and Jesse Ventura’s new reality shows (Steven Seagal: Lawman and Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura) “mindless, good fun and a hoot to watch.” Note the comma between “mindless” and “good fun.” She also recently highly recommended Find My Family and Cake Boss and I’m amazed that I’m amazed at how nonsensical she remains.

B’also? Directly next to her sidebar is an article four times as big: RAP THE GUILTY PARTIERS — POLS which explains that two senators (Bayh and Kyl) want the Salahis to be prosecuted (and Bravo! Don’t forget Bravo!). It includes two photos of both Salahis.

Look away, everyone. But first, look at it some more!

Mandrea reveals that she has a child (and a husband?!?) in her page of sadness today. She also applauds eminent domain being used to build the 0-17 Nets (yes, they lost again) a new stadium in Brooklyn (‘Net’ result sure beats a nut revolt), ridicules the school system for teaching global warming (Climate-cult con is hard to ‘bear’), and chastises Bloomberg for spending so much of his own money on his campaign (Mike’s vote buy a bit filthy-rich).

Wait a minute… telling people how they should spend their money? That’s socialism! Nazi socialism!

I looked for a while but was unable to find a photo of the rest of the Peyser family, so I’m going to assume that they are Canadian girlfriends (she made them up and/or they smell like back bacon).

According to Page Six (today on page 12), that altercation between Anthony Michael Hall and Diana Falzone was reported by police to include Hall biting “his girlfriend’s forehead” and that he “pushed, shoved and spit at” her while “intoxicated.”

Thanks, Page Six!

Twilight: New Moon made another $42,500,000 this weekend. The Blind Side made $40,100,000. 2012 made $18,000,000. Old Dogs made $16,800,000.

This is why they fly planes into our buildings, people.

The Bronx DA has some ’splainin’ to do.

Thomas Wolmart, 58, got into an argument with his 90-pound 52-year-old wife. He beat her to death. The DA is charging him with third-degree assault — a misdemeanor. Not murder. Not manslaughter.

The DA’s spokesperson said, “The medical examiner’s definition of homicide is not the same as the legal definition.”

Nor is the David Mamet movie Homicide the same as the TV show Homicide: Life on the Streets. But that has nothing to do with the fact that Thomas Wolmart beat his wife to death.

Iraq now has a “Saddam Channel” which broadcasts praise for the fallen dictator 24/7. The channel’s alleged chairman (Mohammed Jarboua of Damascus, Syria) says the channel is for Iraqis and other Arabs “who long for [Saddam's] rule.”

Um… I have some really bad news, Mohammed…

Paul Tharp has an interesting piece about Jay Leno’s effect on TV. He claims that not only are people not watching Jay at 10:00,but they’re actually using that time slot to catch up on shows they have DVRed.

That means that Leno isn’t the only one losing viewers — the entire 10:00 time slot is.

As Elvis Costello once sang, NBC, I hope you’re happy now.

Did I mention that the Knicks are now 3-14? And that the Nets are 0-17?

Just checking.

Good Morning America has changed its mind. Chris Brown will still appear for an interview (make it a drinking game — do a shot every time he says the word “sorry”), but he will not be performing.

That is to say, he will be performing in the sense that he will be feigning remorse, but he won’t be singing any songs.

It’s Monday, it’s miserable out and I’m gassy. Despite all of these things, try to have a lovely day.

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