Archive for November, 2009
I’ll do another double edition tomorrow, but I forgot to share this with you guys last week.
My local paper (The Park Slope Courier) has some regular columnists. The saddest of the bunch is Joanna P. DelBuono and her gratingly titled NOT FOR NUTHIN’ (the last paragraph of every column starts with the titular phrase). It’s like Jean Teasdale’s column in The Onion, but real.
Like most of that paper, I scan her column each week and decide that it isn’t worth my time. Last week, I read the entire column with my jaw on the floor. I kept waiting for the “just kidding!” but it never arrived. Rather than re-type the entire thing, I looked for it online. Guess what website had it.
Nypost.com.
So I did the old cut-and-paste and you can read Let the syrup flow, and forget fears of racism below (although, interestingly, the Post changed the title to the shorter, catchier Let the syrup flow).
Not for nuthin’, but fuck you, Joanna.
See ya tomorrow, kids.
Let the syrup flow, and forget fears of racism
A student, Dean Jeziorkowski, who attends Commack HS in Long Island, was tossed from school this past Halloween because he dressed as Aunt Jemima and wore black-face. As he went from room to room offering the students syrup for their pancakes, the teachers asked him to remove his black-face. The staff felt his costume was in poor taste and he was being racist. When they asked him to remove the make-up, and he subsequently refused, they sent him home for the day. Why??
What the hell is wrong here? Why is everything and anything construed as racist? Hello, it’s Halloween. Kids dress up.
Maybe I have no imagination, maybe I just think in terms of food, but I just don’t see the insult. Personally, whenever I think of the face of Aunt Jemima, all I can think of is syrup and pancakes – how I’m going to prepare them and what toppings will I add. The depth of my dilemma extends to whether they will have chocolate bits in them, or the healthy variety with fruit compote or an unhealthy mix of fruit compote, chocolate bits, whipped cream and syrup. What the hey – it’s my fantasy and I think I’ll have them all.
The iconic image of Aunt Jemima has graced the bottles of syrup and pancake boxes since the 1890s. I would think that it’s one of the top sellers for Quaker Oats. By the same token, whenever I look at Uncle Ben’s Rice, I don’t think of the photo of the kindly old black gentlemen as a racist picture. I just think of the rice, with butter and cheese or fried, or with veggies or sometimes even risotto style, but never, ever racist.
In fact, I don’t see racism anywhere in food. It’s food. And as far as kids dressing in costume – it’s Halloween. If the boy had come to school with black face on and portrayed a baseball player or a rap star or Michael Jackson, would they have felt the same way? I don’t think so. What about if he came to school as Osama bin Laden. What would they have done? Surely that costume would have offended someone. The whole incident is ridiculous.
He dressed up for Halloween, in a costume. That’s all it was. End of sentence. No racism, no agenda, no insult intended, implied or otherwise. Let’s leave it at that. Halloween is the holiday of candy, fun, a little shaving cream, a little night mischief (as long as no one is harmed), and dressing up. Let’s leave racism out of it.
Not for nuthin’, but if the staff at the school wants to avoid problems next year, they can always ban children from dressing up altogether. Oh, but wait — that would be interferring with the students’ civil liberties and we can’t do that, can we? Happy Holidays all, JDelBuono@CNGlocal.com
How do you follow up the worst edition of the Post in recent memory? Well, how about a fake front page story?
The headline reads JETER, YA BUM! and the contextual Yanks’ biggest star falls on hard times helps to explain why Derek Jeter is dressed like a bum (complete with long filthy hair!) on the front page. What could possibly have happened to him in the last week?
Oh. He has a part in the new Will Ferrell movie (The Other Guys). He plays “a fictionalized version of himself” — as a bum. Not since he briefly appeared as himself in Anger Management has there been a news story this important. And from the looks of the other papers on the newsstand — who have actual news on their covers — the Post seems to have an exclusive! Congratulations! Pages 1, 4 and 5 have been used to their full potential today!
Page 2 is about how Bloomberg used some of that $100,000,000 (he could have paid for half of Disney’s A Christmas Carol!) to send thank you letters to every absentee ballot user in this past election. Including one person in Africa. He’s, um, very rich.
Page 3 tells us that Jill Green, the producer of Foyle’s War (the British TV show that Honeysuckle Weeks appears on) is delighted that Bloomberg has a crush on Weeks and says that, if they ever get around to shooting an episode in America, “perhaps we can lure him in for a ’starring role’ as one of the murder victims!”
Man, I can’t wait to read about some news!
Lil’ Kim is being sued for $20,000. That’s what a British club promoter paid her to appear at “events.”
She kept the money but never showed up. First she blamed her absence on a nose bleed. Now she’s blaming “incompetence by the promoters.”
The fact that they hired her kind of makes her case for her.
Oh, 24-hour news cycle, you so premature.
That hero cop lady who shot and killed Hasan (the Post ran yet another full-page story yesterday about how heroic and terrific she is) turns out to not be the person who killed Hasan. That would be her Black partner, Sgt. Mark Todd. Why would the director of emergency service at Fort Hood tell everyone that Sgt. Kimberly Munley (and ONLY Munley) was responsible for the neutralization of Hasan if it wasn’t the truth?
Probably for the same reason that that soldier started Twatting during the shootout about how it was three guys (instead of just one) and how someone got shot in the balls (not sure this was ever verified). It’s because getting it first is more important than getting it right. In the time it takes to corroborate the things being said about the shootout (leading to a single front-page story), a newspaper (that didn’t care about being a good newspaper) could run whatever they want to and, when the truth contradicts them, they can “update” the story with “breaking news.”
Is Kimberly Munley a hero? Absolutely. Is Mark Todd a hero? Absolutely. Does it matter who fired the bullet that killed Hasan? Absolutely not.
Unless, of course, you’ve been crediting the wrong person for a week.
Bloomberg (him again?) likes the restaurants in Brooklyn. He frequents Stone Park Cafe in Park Slope (if I were a billionaire, I’d eat there, too!). The Post recommends 5 other restaurants in Kings County that are worth checking out. None of them are near us.
Boo.
That’s what you get for watching Jay Leno.
Brooke Hundley cried on Good Morning America (which is still missing a comma), recalling how a joke Jay Leno made about her was her “breaking point.”
The “joke” was a photo of Hundley and a photo of Steve Phillips’ wife and Jay saying, “What was he thinking? I realize you can’t have steak every day, but please.”
Give that man the 10:00 p.m. slot every night of the working week! He’s hilarious!
Bonus points: In reporting this, the Post managed to not refer to Hundley as “chubby, frumpy, dumpy, plump, uggo, uggles, ugmo, homely, unpleasantly-shaped or husky.” Such restraint is a mitzvah!
People are starting to say that Lou Dobbs didn’t quit — he was fired. The Post, however, is saying that Lou’s agent asked CNN to release Lou from his contract because he wants to go “the opinion route.”
I ask this with all sincerity: What do you call what you’ve been doing for the last few years, Mr. Birther McIhatemexicans?
The McDonald’s located at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp is now hiring.
So… I guess we are still torturing people there.
Dr. Ben Ramaley paid a $10,000 fine in 2008. And in 2009, he willingly forfeited his New York medical license.
Why? Because in 2002, a White woman and a Black man asked the fertility doctor to inseminate the woman with the man’s sperm. He agreed and did so on numerous occasions. Then she gave birth to twins who were completely White. DNA tests in 2004 proved that the father wasn’t the father. They sued Ramaley, believing that he used his own semen to impregnate the woman.
So. If you live in Connecticut and have a child that looks like a gay(er) Theodore J. Mooney, call the police ASAP.
I wonder if his defense is that he didn’t think it would be fair to create a mixed-race baby, like that former justice of the peace in Louisiana…
Chris Dodd is trailing in the polls… behind Vince McMahon’s wife.
Oof.
And… DID Bill Owens beat Doug Hoffman in NY-23? Maybe not, says the Post. Owens won by 3,000 votes, but there are close to 10,000 that haven’t been counted!
Stay tuned!
According to Page Six (today on page 22), Levi Johnston’s manager/bodyguard (not a joke) Tank Jones contacted M2 (it’s a club in NYC) and offered to bring Levi there for $3,000. M2 declined.
Tank came back with a counter to their offer of “go away” — $1,800.
M2’s counter-counter-offer: “a table with a round of soft drinks.”
Soon, we’ll all see Levi’s penis!
(waves miniature American flag)
Michael Lohan is still releasing tapes. Dina and Lindsay are still calling him names.
Won’t someone think of Ali and her ugly brother whose name I forget?
RadarOnline has caught TMZ stealing their exclusives.
Which makes RadarOnline the lesser of two evils.
(at least until they post some more of Michael Lohan’s recordings)
According to the-not-yet-deceased-for-some-reason Cindy Adams, Donny Osmond refers to his purple socks as “magic talismans” (what is it with Mormons and undergarments?), Frankie Muniz is afraid of sushi and Kirsten Dunst takes her old brown security blanket wherever she goes. Cindy also tells us that Lou Dobbs is “brilliant” and “fearless.”
Cindy is a national treasure. And Nicolas Cage needs to solve the clues in order to save her from destruction.
She’s just. That. Old.
Richard and Mayumi Heene will plead guilty to some charges to avoid the possible deportation of Mayumi.
I really hope there’s jail time. And a sizable fine.
And a punch in the face for Dick.
Mandrea Peyser went to Harvard yesterday to hear Eliot Spitzer’s speech (ETHICS FROM PIG MAN ON CAMPUS).
“‘Andrea?’ he shouted, as if greeting an old pal. ‘Did you fly or drive?’ he wanted to know, a bizarre query for which I didn’t know the correct answer.”
There is no further context. Mandrea doesn’t know how she arrived in Massachusetts — and proudly shares her stupidity with her audience. What a guy.
Over in the opinion section (also known as The New York Post), Bill O’Reilly tells us Obama’s Problem With Reality (spoiler: he doesn’t agree with Bill O’Reilly), and reader Alice Lemos asks “What alternate world is Obama living in? If Obama wants to know why Hasan did what he did, he needs to recall the shout ‘Allahu akbar’ as he struck” (he did what he did because God is great?).
Opinions are like assholes — sometimes they smell horrible.
Twitter usage fell 4 mnth of Oct, aftr alsofalling n Aug. OMG! isUSAgttng smrtr? LOLZ!
Lou Lumenick gives the 157-minute 2012 3 stars (“great fun”) and The Fantastic Mr. Fox 3 1/2 stars (“gorgeous and witty”).
Kyle Smith gives Pirate Radio (the movie formerly known as The Boat That Rocked) 3 stars (“the finest rock movie since Almost Famous“) and The Messenger 1 star (“a shouty, shoddy bore” and a “piece of flummery”).
V.A. Musetto gives Dare 2 1/2 stars, so it’s safe to assume that there are no Asian breasts in the movie.
Former Yankee John Wetteland, the MVP of the 1996 World Series was rushed to a hospital yesterday after a woman called the police. She said she was afraid that Wetteland was going to try to kill himself and, when police arrived, Wetteland told them that he “needed help.”
Let’s hope he gets it.
Sharon Osbourne wrote on Facebook, “Susan Boyle is a lovely gracious woman, and I took advantage of that by poking fun at her. I would never want to be responsible for hurting Susan.”
Which is why she told her listeners that Boyle had been hit by a “fucking ugly stick” and that she looks like an “asshole.”
Go change your husband’s diapers, Sharon.
The Who will play at this year’s Super Bowl.
I will give CBS $20 if, to begin their set, David Caruso walks out on stage and removes his sunglasses.
Linda Stasi reprimands Oprah for her circus-like recent line-ups (O no, you didn’t). She’s especially angry about the chimp-attack victim who was on her show. And on the front page of this paper.
“Tell me what we actually learned by watching the saint of TV take the veil off the face of a blind, massively deformed victim of a feral animal mauling? Nothing, that’s what.”
1) That first sentence isn’t a question.
2) Your outrage would be completely justified… if your article didn’t feature the exact same exploitative photo that this paper ran on their front page the other day (with a Mackenzie Phillips inset for some reason).
3) Comparing Mackenzie Phillips to a circus freak is extremely classy.
4) Get in Cindy’s box and wait for her.
TGIF, my dizzles! Here comes weekend!
Firstly, here’s Carrie Prejean on Larry King Live.
From Anderson Cooper’s silent cameo at the beginning to the caption “SARAH PALIN IS MY HERO,” to Carrie’s mouthed conversation with God (I’m assuming), this is three minutes of time well spent. You’re welcome.
Nextly, I’ve started to browse the Huffington Post (it has a lot of great writers, embedded video, etc.) and (despite the NSFW warning) I clicked on the link of Oprah and the woman whose face was mauled by a chimp. The photo was brutal. As soon as I saw it, I knew that I would never unsee it and was filled with nauseous regret.
Luckily, I read the New York Post. They put the woman on the front page. The headline FACE OF COURAGE is accompanied by a fairly graphic photo of the “Incredible moment Oprah unveiled maimed chimp attack victim“ — but the really wince-inducing photos are on page 5.
Since Web traffic seems to be worth more nowadays than actual print readers, wouldn’t it have made more sense to publish the article with a note that, if you want to see a woman whose thigh has been grafted to her face under a gaping red hole where her eyes used to be, go to nypost.com? I mean, the photos are totes NSFW and one of them is on the front page!
(I was going to say “If that’s the face of courage, I’m glad I’m a coward!” but this poor woman didn’t ask to be on the cover of the Post — she’s the victim of an attack and not deserving of any snarkiness — so, instead, I’ll point out that the letters in Andrea Peyser’s name can be rearranged into “Needs Rear Yap”)
The big story on page 3? Mayor Bloomberg has a crush on the British actress (who was born in Wales) Honeysuckle Weeks. 90% of the page is devoted to this “news.”
This could be the all-time worst edition of the Post I’ve ever read! And that’s saying something!
On page 4, there’s a 7-sentence article titled Mike hints at job cuts.
Fifteen (15) paragraphs about Bloomberg’s crush on a married actress, seven (7) sentences about the possibility of massive job cuts in New York City.
Sigh.
One of the jurors in the Gotti trial sent a note to the judge before the jury began deliberating.
“I’m not saying I agree with the prosecution about what happened, but if I did, I don’t understand why it would be considered racketeering,” the juror asked.
Methinks Junior will walk *(for, what is this, the fifth time?).
Governor Paterson says he’ll consider waiving the $25 charge for the new New York license plates — on two conditions. One: The $129,000,000 it would have raised will have to come from somewhere else in the state budget. Two: Everyone has to promise to vote for him.
“What I would like is help figuring out how to replace it,” he told reporters, possibly referencing his blindness.
Did you know that 20 – 25% of this country’s homeless people are veterans? And that 10,000 of NYC’s homeless are, too?
Did everyone have a happy Veterans Day?
Mike Tyson has been arrested (again!) for battery. He punched a photographer at LAX yesterday. His spokeswoman (what a horrible job!) claims that he hit the paparazzo in self defense (?) and that he was just protecting his 10-month-old son.
Looks like he still hasn’t worked out all of the kinks in protecting his children.
(Too soon?)
Mets fans are angry. Very very angry.
The team promised fans that 2010’s tickets would have price reductions that averaged 10%.
But some fans’ tickets were only reduced 1%.
Mets spokesman David Howard said, “Obviously, the ‘average’ means there is some higher and some lower, but the average is 10%.”
Not obviously, Dave. Trying to explain how “averages” work to Mets fans is like trying to explain what “public option” means to opponents of health-care reform.
Maclaren faces a fine of $1,000,000 — maybe even more! Why? Because of all of those strollers they just recalled (you know, because children were getting their fingers severed by them?). Turns out, they’ve known for at least five (5) years that the hazard existed, but never reported it to the Consumer Products Safety Commission (which is kinda sorta the law).
Someone sued them in 2004 when her child lost a pinky to the stroller. They settled. And someone from the CPSC testified — in 2007 — that the strollers were being manufactured in China in ways that violated federal guidelines.
But business continued as usual. Only when the feds made it virtually impossible to do anything else did the company issue the recall.
Maybe it’s time to stop buying Maclaren products, America?
B’also? Regulation is evil and socialisty.
Brooklyn’s own Anthony Brioridy, 32, has been arrested for dealing drugs. Among them was liquid marijuana.
According to police, this is the first time they’ve encountered it. It’s the first I’ve ever heard of such a thing, too.
Apparently, he “brewed the distilled resins of pot fermented with 180-proof grain alcohol.”
MacGyver would be proud.
Virginia’s own Lauren Johnson, 12, has been sneezing every 10 seconds for the last two weeks (except during sleep).
I think I’ve seen her on the F. And the B75. And at C-Town. Come to think of it, I think she’s stalking me!
Lou Dobbs has quit his post at CNN. He told viewers that he wanted to devote more time to “constructive problem solving.”
I love the fact that his wife (Debi) is a Mexican-American (his in-laws must adore him!).
Good luck as a footnote, you xenophobic horse’s ass.
What an odd turn of phrase.
An investigator at the Army claims that “had we launched an investigation of Hasan, we’d have been crucified.”
Ah, to be a Muslim in the armed forces.
Does the Post only have one photo of a clown in its archives? Here he is again on Andrea Peyser’s page (Labeling Albany a circus is a smear on Bozo). She refers to the members of the state Senate as “The Dumb, the Dumber, the Mentally Challenged, Morally Bankrupt and Outright Deranged” and Governor Paterson as “Governor Pipsqueak” (I still say Governor Magoo is funnier). But these guys are actually legitimate targets — they deserve scrutiny and ridicule.
HEALTH CARE A WAITY MATTER uses the shortage of the H1N1 vaccine as “a glimpse of the future of government-run health care.” The last part of the piece was originally supposed to read “And the price of my Mets tickets only went down 6%! That’s not 10%!” but she needed room for…
This teacher has no class demands that Greg Van Voorhis be fired for “pass[ing] out copies of a Playboy magazine article about masturbation, autoerotic asphyxiation and garden vegetables to his high-school class.” This is why the man in a wig who calls himself Andrea Peyser is an incredible asshole. Like the majority of her readers, she doesn’t need the facts. Just the basic story (which is like the actual story, but streamlined). Here, the basic story is that some guy gave his students a Playboy article on masturbation for no reason.
The actual story, if you can breathe through your nose, is that an English teacher gave his 11th-grade students a short story that one of this generation’s most celebrated writers had published in Playboy. Not a how-to article. A creative piece of fiction.
“Teens may think it’s cool for adults to let them in on unusual sex practices. But normalizing this stuff in a pathetic bid to win youthful fans — making deviancy just another variant on the menu of acceptable behavior — doesn’t bode well for these kids as they enter adulthood.”
Let them in on? The lead singer of INXS died of autoerotic asphyxiation 12 years ago! David Carradine was repeatedly on the front page of your shitty paper this year!
And who but a teenager (or someone with the mind of one) is going to enjoy a headline like HUNG FU!?
B’also? Before you start demanding that someone be fired, maybe you should read the thing that’s making you so angry. It’s called Guts. It’s by Chuck Palahniuk. And you’re an idiot.
Mandrea (guess who just came up with a new nickname for Andrea Peyser!) also attacks The New York Times and Obama (An insult to our soldiers) — the former for making her read “almost to the jump” before being told that Hasan was responsible for the Fort Hood shootings (“Reading about the butcher who murdered 13 innocents at Fort Hood in The New York Times, you’d want to sing a spirited chorus of ‘Kumbaya.’ So sensitive was the paper to the ‘Muslim-bashing’ endured by Major Nidal Hasan, I had to read almost to the jump to learn that he is accused of mass slaughter.”) (note she doesn’t say which article on which day was so lovey-dovey; maybe the paper assumed that people know he’s a murderer and that their readers actually read their entire articles?) and the latter for something he said in the days before the memorial at Fort Hood (“‘They are Americans of every race, every faith and station. They are Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus and nonbelievers,’ he said timidly of those who lost their lives. Yes, the killed and the killer were all the same!”).
You disingenuous bitch. Either you know that you are putting hateful and erroneous words in the POTUS’ mouth — which is a shitty thing for a “journalist” to do — or you actually read that sentence and believe that Obama meant to say that there is no difference between the killer and his victims.
Either way, Mandrea, congratulations on half-assing your way through yet another page of shameful hate.
Yeah… Harvard ain’t what it used to be.
Eliot Spitzer will be delivering a lecture there today.
On ethics.
I guess they didn’t want to wait for Junior Gotti’s exoneration.
Dominick Dunne’s new book lets the world in on one of the mock shockingest secrets ever: He was gay!
O.M.G.
Next you’ll tell me that Anderson Cooper’s gay!
According to Page Six (today on page 19), Levi Johnston told Life & Style magazine, “If I’m a gay icon, so be it. I guess it’s a compliment.”
You betcha.
Ivan Reitman has agreed to direct Ghostbusters 3.
The screenplay is being written by 2 of the 3 guys responsible for Year One (Harold Ramis was the third).
In spite of this, I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for a fun movie.
James Cap has just been awarded the right to get a firearms ID, which will allow him to buy a gun to go hunting with.
James Cap is a quadriplegic.
“He plans to mount the gun on his wheelchair and operate it with a breathing tube.”
(waves miniature American flag)
There is a coupon on page 40 for a free tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts (with accompanying photo) and I may never stop throwing up.
A 14-year-old girl lied about her age online. An 18-year-old boy flew to NYC from Belgium to meet up with her. They stayed at a hotel together.
He’s now under arrest. The girl repeatedly explained to the police that he had no idea that he was committing a crime. The police say it doesn’t matter.
Welcome to America, Anthony Freson!
Governor Paterson and the Legislature have agreed to close a loophole that currently exists in our laws.
Apparently, if you are convicted of murder or child-sexual assault for a second time, you can apply time served for the previous conviction (meaning that your 20-year sentence would be a 10-year sentence if you apply the 10-year sentence you already served).
That this was ever a part of our laws is repulsive. And it took a lame duck blind man to fix it.
I wonder what other charming loopholes are out there…
The televisual equivalent of fiddling while Rome burns.
People are watching less TV. Ad sales are down. Ad revenue is down. So what do the major networks decide to do?
Charge affiliates to air their programming.
Bad enough that you’re making them air The Jay Leno Show (which is destroying the local news’ ratings at 11:00 in most major markets) fove nights a week, but now they have to pay you for the privilege, NBC?
Storm’s a-comin’…
As of Tuesday, Disney’s A Christmas Carol has grossed $34,074,706.
And it cost roughly $200,000,000 to make.
I hope Disney kept their receipt from their purchase of Marvel.
That’s a good price for 12 pounds of nutmeg!
Manhattan’s first Costco will open today on 116th Street (just off the FDR).
Huge savings! Huge store! Huge bottles of balsamic vinegar!
And it will only cost you $50 to become a member. And that’s just for a 1-year membership. You’ll be paying them $50 every year. Just to shop there. It’s like a personal seat license, but to shop for groceries.
What a great scam.
Either people at the New York Post read my blog and are trying to drive me crazy by sporadically using my words or I’m crazy for thinking that.
Heidi Montag and Spencer (the) Pratt “co-wrote” a “book” called How To Be Famous. Christina Amoroso’s review is preceded by an intro that ends “The Post read the book — so you don’t have to — and picked out a few of the best tidbits.”
If I ever see the word “b’also” in the Post, I will climb a belltower.
I might have considered seeing 2012. But when its movie poster includes the prominently displayed “FEATURING ‘TIME FOR MIRACLES’ BY ADAM LAMBERT” I have to wonder if there has ever been a single human being who saw one of these announcements and thought, “I like that song! I’m going to pay $11 to hear it while the credits roll at the end of this movie!”
And now I’m considering waiting to rent it.
On December 22, 2012.
(come on, Apocalypto!)
The Knicks are now 1-8. They’ve won just one more game than I have, but they’ve played 9 games and I’ve played none.
Knowing that this bothers Spike Lee makes me happy.
The Detroit Tigers are prepared to trade Curtis Granderson.
Well, we probably won’t see Damon again (thanks to his agent) and Matsui would jump on a multi-year contract that guaranteed him time in the outfield (which I don’t think the Yankees will offer him), so unless Nady is healthy again (and willing to come back for cheap), we might just need an outfielder. And you could do a lot worse than Granderson.
Kelsey Grammer’s new sitcom (Hank) has been cancelled.
I guess people like Dr. Frasier Crane, but not Kelsey Grammer.
Linda Stasi, dimwit.
“If you are one of the tens of fans of the 1960s cult series The Prisoner…”
Tens of fans? Tens? Why do you think it’s being remade, you simpleton? That series was ahead of its time (which still might not have arrived yet) and brilliant. I bet more people have watched that show, and enjoyed it, than know who Linda Stasi is.
Wrap your tens of brain cells around that.
The end.
The weekend is roughly 29 hours away, kids! Hang in there!
The first number is how many US soldiers died in Afghanistan in 2008.
The second number is how many US soldiers have died there since we started the war in 2001 (up to Oct. 31st, 2009).
The last number is the number of US soldiers (all under 65 years of age) who died in 2008 as a result of not having health insurance.
Happy Veterans’ Day.
According to today’s front page, if you were to buy one Birds Eye Boxed Vegetables In Sauce (8-10 oz.), you would be given 2 additional Birds Eye Boxed Vegetables In Sauce (8-10 oz.) — FOR FREE. That’s 3 for the price of one! That, coupled with a 50% off all Perdue Boneless Breast, Thin Sliced Breast or Tenders, makes for a very rewarding trip to Pathmark. Also on sale is…
Wait. This is a Pathmark circular.
Hang on.
Ah. The New York Post. Here we go.
As I told you yesterday, a former employee of the NYP is suing them and pulling the curtain back on their behind-the-scenes shenanigans (both in and out of print). Charles “Punch Me ‘Til I” Hurt is accused of telling the staff that the newspaper’s mission was (and remains) the destruction of our nation’s commander-in-chief.
Puke Genitalia (sorry, Ralph Peters) and Charles and a few other Post “regulars” have been criticizing everything Obama has said (and hasn’t said) with regard to the Fort Hood shootings. Yesterday, Obama spoke at Fort Hood. I listened to his speech and thought it did justice to the men and women who were a part of that senseless attack. Would the Post, with fresh allegations of their unreasonable bias against Obama being aired in public, find fault with him and his speech?
Was the Pope a member of the Hitler Youth Movement?
The excerpt of Obama’s speech that the paper chose to put on their cover is “This is a time of war. And yet these Americans did not die on a foreign field of battle. They were killed here, on American soil.”
Page 4 has a small photo of each fallen soldier and part of what Obama said about each one.
Page 5 (PRESIDENT PAYS SOLEMN TRIBUTE) begins, “President Obama paid touching personal tributes to the 13 brave soldiers…” and his speech is referred to as “emotional remarks” in the following paragraph.
Paragraph #3 (the fourth sentence of the article): “‘It may be hard to comprehend the twisted logic that led to this tragedy,’ the commander-in-chief said, without ever naming Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, the gunman who reportedly shouted ‘Allahu akbar’ during his rampage and had known ties to Islamic extremists.” Once again, fault has been found where others might find restraint.
Charles Hurt has a piece on page 6 that goes a step or two (or 38) further. Commander sets the right tone for once begins, “With a pained face and a voice laced with somber reverence, President Obama yesterday properly mourned the dead and wounded at Fort Hood.” That’s kind of a compliment, right? “As leg-tingling Obama speeches go, it was fine.” Uh… thanks? “The president properly stowed his most soaring oratory for this occasion because it really wasn’t about him and his legendary speechifying.” He also didn’t decorate a Christmas tree or carve a Thanksgiving turkey or play some of his legendary basketball with his friends, because it wasn’t the time for any of those things either. “‘Your loved ones endure through the life of our nation,’ he said, using the most exalting language he has ever used to describe our military.” OK, now you’re just being an asshole, Charles. Your hyperbole is always inappropriate, but especially in this context.
Michael Goodwin (more on him later) also reprimands Obama (POETIC PIROUETTE AROUND TRUTH). “A military setting brings out the best in President Obama’s eloquence, and yesterday’s Fort Hood memorial was no exception.” So… you liked it? “Yet Obama stopped short of calling the attack what it obviously was: terrorism, even treason, committed by an Army major against defenseless comrades. He hinted, but this disappointing dodge was achieved only through a parade of tortured inconsistencies.” I thought you supported torture, Mike. But, OK. Give me an example of a tortured inconsistency. “He said we are ‘in a time of war,’ but called the attack a ‘tragedy.’” Goodwin, I should note, suffers from tortured incontinence.
The Post’s editorial page includes more “praise” for Obama (‘To Protect Our People’). “In stirring, eloquent and typically well-delivered remarks, President Obama yesterday paid tribute to the 13 people gunned down in last week’s Fort Hood shooting rampage — and to all the members of the US armed forces.” That he didn’t mention Hasan’s name is mentioned (in the third sentence), but it applauds Obama for “plac[ing] the shooting, appropriately, in the context of “the extremists who killed nearly 3,000 Americans” on 9/11.” That’s funny because Goodwin used that exact same quote to illustrate another tortured inconsistency. The piece also slams Gen. George Casey and Lt. Gen. Robert Cone (“They merely referred obliquely to the ‘tragedy,’ the ‘horrific event,’ the “incident’ and the ‘crime scene.’”) who also didn’t (possibly erroneously) draw connections between 9/11 and Fort Hood.
Remember when Bush drew connections between Saddam Hussein and 9/11? Remember how they were later disproven? Remember how people in this country still insist that they weren’t? But, yeah. Better that Obama should have made a judgement without having all of the facts.
And what of Michelle Malkin? She mocks Obama for saying that the twisted logic that led to this tragedy may be too hard to comprehend. “What exactly is so hard to comprehend?” she asks before she insists that Muslims can’t be trusted. And she finds pure evil and stupidity in our Justice Department’s desire to use “criminal and civil-rights laws to protect Muslim Americans.”
This is truly a horrible newspaper.
Word on the street was that the state Senate would vote yesterday on same-sex marriage in New York.
Today, we learn that the vote was “put off” but that Gov. Paterson assured everyone that the bill will be put up for a vote “at a date not certain between now and the end of the year.”
Wait. Does he mean that it will be voted on in 2009? Or that, by the end of the year, they’ll know when they’ll eventually vote on it for certain?
United Airlines, you just made the list (again).
A pilot for the airline was pulled out of the plane he was moments away from flying (from Heathrow to Chicago) because his co-workers noticed he was drunk.
I want to know how the pilot could afford alcohol on his salary.
A judge in Los Angeles has declared that Ojani Noa can’t release How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story pending another hearing on December 1st.
Thank you, your honor.
New New York license plates? Ugly. Really really ugly.
You know what? I lied. The rest of what Michael Goodwin has to say today isn’t worth repeating.
Ricky Carmona was executed last night by lethal injecton.
I meant John Allen Muhammad.
This is a photo of Muhammad:
and this is a photo of my friend, Ricky:
You can understand my confusion.
Great political cartoon in Page Six (today on page 12). A US soldier has his back turned to a fellow soldier who has Arabic features and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS written on his uniform and is about to stab him in the back.
If I were a Muslim in the US armed forces, I’d turn in my uniform and never look back. Seriously. As long as people in this country continue to question whether Muslims should be allowed to put themselves in harm’s way for the sake of the nation, it’s just not worth the headache (not to mention worrying that your Bible-thumping buddies will beat you with soap-bar-filled socks).
Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are now insisting that Aerosmith hasn’t broken up.
Whew!
The clues were there all along!
In May of 2008, Dominic Carter was at an NAACP meeting in Corona when he said, “I know who the good guys are. [Hiram Monserrate] is a guy who our community can trust… He is someone I trust and I know is one of the good guys.”
It’s Woody and Roman all over again.
Oprah will feature the woman whose face was mauled by a chimpanzee on today’s show. Which is weird, because I thought Palin’s show was on the 16th.
Oh, wait. Palin’s face wasn’t mauled by a chimp. I dreamed that. Never mind.
Sammy Sosa insists that he is not intentionally lightening his skin. See, he uses “a bleaching cream that I apply before going to bed… I use [it] to soften [my skin], but [it] has bleached me some.”
Got that? He uses a bleaching cream to soften his skin and is surprised to discover that it also bleaches. He also seemed shocked that the skin moisturizer that he uses as shampoo moisturizes his scalp.
Bernie Kerik is under house arrest until his sentencing in February. Kerik asked if he could walk his kids to and from school. The judge said no.
“This is not home confinement with morning strolls and afternoon strolls,” he told the pouty-faced former NYPD Commissioner.
Ouch.
ConEd will raise gas prices 6% next year.
And 6% the following year.
And 6% the year after that.
ConEd is a jerk.
Ashlee Simpson will take over the role of Roxie Hart in Chicago this December.
Was Octomom not available?
It looks like John Lackey won’t be returning to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim next year. The team has made some underwhelming offers that he’s turned down, so they’ll let him go to another team.
As an MLB executive said, “What do the Angels know about John Lackey that we all don’t?”
Indeed.
Derek Jeter and Mark Teixeira won Gold Gloves. This was Derek’s fourth and Mark’s third.
Go Yanks.
Johnny Damon’s agent, Scott Boras, believes that his client should get a 4-year contract. He says that whatever they’re offering Jeter is roughly what they should offer Johnny.
Thanks for everything, Johnny. Have fun playing wherever it is you end up playing.
The Jay Leno Show For Some Reason continues to shed viewers. But think of how much money NBC is saving by not felling obligated to broadcast good television!
Omarosa is getting her own dating show! Omarosa’s Ultimate Merger will feaure 12 “men” from whom Omarosa will try to find a mate.
That reminds me: Whither New York?
Happy Wednesday!
This could be huge. Their DC Bureau Chief (Charles “Thinking Makes My Brain” Hurt) declared that the paper’s goal was to “destroy [President] Barack Obama”? Isn’t that treason?
B’ALSO! Rupert Murdoch said in an Australian TV interview that Glenn Beck was right when he called Barack Obama a racist.
I’m not sure how much longer I can give these people my money.
Two years ago today, my wife and I were married. Smartest thing I ever did.
And may God have mercy on her soul.
FEDS KNEW claims that the FBI intercepted e-mails from Maj. Hasan to operatives of al Qaeda almost a year ago, but they “dismissed the lead” as “research” that Hasan was doing “as an Army shrink.”
If this is true, then I am mortified.
Remember when news organizations gathered facts from numerous sources and spent as much time as necessary processing them until they were actual stories that could be presented to the general public? Me neither. But it must have been nice.
The other front-page story is J.Lo in sex tape scandal. Oh, boy.
One of her ex-husbands is shopping around a movie called How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story (J.Lo married Jennifer Lopez? How? Oh, right — watch the movie. Duh.) that contains footage of Lopez in her bra and panties looking in a mirror (!), Lopez in “skimpy underwear, being spanked in bed by Noa” (!!) and Lopez “jumping on a motorcycle in a short dress and no underwear” (3 exclamation points).
There’s also a videotaped argument between Lopez and her mother.
She has filed a $10,000,000 lawsuit seeking to bar the “movie” from being released. And for that, I thank her.
B’also? Maybe everyone should stop filming themselves doing naughty things? Right, Carrie Prejean?
Roughly 1,000,000 Maclaren strollers have been recalled after 12 different children had their fingertips cut off by them.
In 20 years, these children will have become master criminals with no way of being identified.
The good news: The six-day strike is over and Piladelphia once again has public transportation.
The bad news: It remains Philadelphia.
Study warns of Canada syndrome may be the funniest headline of the day, unintentional or not. Yes, the health-care bill will turn us into Canada. According to a study by The Heritage Foundation (a conservative think tank).
Good one, Rupe.
The University of Montana had proposed a total ban on tobacco for their entire campus starting in Fall 2011.
This will end badly.
Obama has approved a surge for Afghanistan. 30,000 – 40,000 more troops.
Boo.
Tonight at 9:00 p.m. (give or take a few minutes), John Allen Muhammed (The Beltway Sniper) will be killed by lethal injection.
Goodbye, John. Say hello to Robert Novak for me.
Which one of these men is Sammy Sosa?
E-he.
For too long, billionaires have had to use the same auction websites as the rest of this country. But not no mo’.
Billionairexchange.com requires a minimum bid of $1,000 for every auction. In exchange (or xchange), the uber-rich can sell their Fabergé eggs and yachts (minus a 5% commission).
I would love to read the feedback on that site (“This mansion is great! And it arrived almost immediately! Highly recommended!”).
A bottle of beer that somehow survived the destruction of the Hinderburg will be auctioned off this month. The severely burned Lowenbrau is expected to fetch $7,500 for some reason.
Ken Bird of Lincoln, Missouri writes in to say, “Unless we wake up and admit that Islamists are the enemy, we are doomed.” Ken Roberts of Lebanon, Ohio says, “There was a reason for interning the Japanese when we were at war with their country, and it served a duel [sic] purpose: to keep them safe if innocent and out of our way if they were not. I apologize to no one for that.”
Hey, Ken? You want us to round up all the Iraqis and Afghani-Americans? Hasan was neither. So… all Muslims then? Somebody needs to rent The Siege.
Rich Lowry and Puke Shaped Like Dongs (sorry, Ralph Peters) weigh in on Hasan (surprisingly, they don’t like him). Peters once again ridicules the POTUS for not opening fire on a mosque in retaliation. Lowry is a little more level-headed, but the bar is set kinda low when you’re up against Ralphie Boy.
To make matters far worse, Joe Lieberman chairs the Senate Homeland Security Committee and has been screaming “terrorist act” since the story first broke. The stories currently unfolding seem to back up Joe. Which should never ever happen.
Steven Tyler has quit Aerosmith, according to Joe Perry.
I can’t even pretend to feign interest.
Joel Sherman claims that the Yankees will try to bring Damon, Pettitte and Matsui all back for 2010.
That’d be nice.
The New York Giants started the season 5-0.
They are now 5-4.
The good news is that they can’t lose this week (they aren’t playing).
The bad news is that my father actually cares about the team (for now).
Kyle Smith has decided to plagiarize Andrea Peyser with his almost full-page What’s ‘V’ really about? inthe TV section (the sub-head: A cute stranger arrives one day with free health care. Stop me if you’ve heard this one). Believe me, I tried but the column wouldn’t listen.
“[T]o conservatives, this is the perfect cigar to savor after a sumptuous meal — because it says that no matter who is nominally in charge, snaky, disingenuous liberalism is the ever-lurking villain.”
To conservatives, it doesn’t matter what actually happens, so long as we can use it to make liberals look stupid. Also, we enjoy sumptuous meals and cigars. Just like Joe America.
Much to do before the anniversary dinner. Chores galores.
Have the loveliest of Tuesdays.
MOSQUE OF EVIL (not to be confused with The Mosque of the Red Death or Murders in the Rue Mosque) freaks out over the fact that Dr. Nidal Malik Hasan attended a mosque in Virginia at the same time as two of the 9/11 hijackers. The Dar al Hijrah Islamic Center in Falls Church, Virginia is one of the largest mosques on the East Coast; thousands attend services there. The FBI is now investigating a possible connection between the hijackers and Hasan.
In other jump-to-conclusion news, Joe Lieberman has been trying to get people to forget what a scumbag he is by commenting (a lot) on Hasan. The Post has blown up one of his more inciteful (note the spelling) comments at the top of page 5: “There are very, very strong warning signs here that Dr. Hasan had become an Islamist extremist and, therefore, that this was a terrorist act.”
But if you look at the 12th paragraph of the accompanying story (9/11 LINK IN SLAY SPREE), you’ll see the entire quote: “I want to say very quickly we don’t know enough to say now, but there are very, very strong warning signs here that Dr. Hasan had become an Islamist extremist and, therefore, that this was a terrorist act.”
Bonus points: Lieberman said this to Fox News.
More bonus points: The 20th paragraph briefly mentions that “an initial review of Hasan’s computer use has found no evidence of links to terror groups or anyone who might have helped plan or push him toward the attack.”
Again, what the man did was inexcusable and despicable. But what people like Lieberman are doing in response might just result in more dead innocents. And it doesn’t address the kind of persecution that many enlisted men and women face from their Bible-thumping peers. But why look at the cause of a tragedy? Let’s just bomb Muslia or Muslistan or wherever they all come from.
Can we place a moritorium on studies?
A new one has found that male high-school athletes are 1.4 times more likely to binge drink (duh) and 1.3 times more likely to fight (duh) than their non-athletic peers.
Science!
Wal-Mart is beyond reprehensible. If you have a soul, you must never ever shop there. Never.
What did they do now? This.
If you shop there, the domestic terrorists win.
Oh, look! Page 3 has a photo of Ivanka Trump and her new husband, Jared Kushner, shopping! At Kmart!
Billionaires… so like us.
Greg Van Voorhis, 30, is an English teacher at The Bronx School of Law and Finance in Marble Hill. He gave his 11th-grade students copies of Guts — a short story that Chuck Palahniuk wrote for Playboy. Featuring masturbating and autoerotic asphyxiation.
Guess who got suspended. [Hint: His initials are GVV.]
I mean, can you imagine a 16-year-old reading about masturbation? Before marriage?
Republican Dan Halloran, who is also the First Atheling of New Normandy, has been elected to the City Council by his Queens constituents. Dan is a practicing Theodist and the leader of his tribe (of roughly 120). Theodism requires animal sacrifice, which I believe makes Dan the first Republican to admit to sacrificing animals religiously.
Health bill is in trouble says the Post. GOP calls it DOA says the Post.
“The House bill is dead on arrival in the Senate,” says Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina, has a girl’s name).
“The public option will destroy private health care,” says Joe Lieberman (on Fox News Sunday).
“Saturday’s vote to create a massive government-run health-insurance program is to Nancy Pelosi and her Democrats what the Battle of Gettysburg was to the South,” says Charles Hurt (and thank God — I was starting to think that Republicans were only dishonoring the memories of the people who died in World War II!).
It’s almost like a John Cage piece.
Oh, Andrea Peyser, you shrill haridan.
PLOT ‘V’AGUELY FAMILIAR begins, “They came in peace. A charismatic leader blew in from nowhere to promise all people a future of hope, prosperity and, get this, universal health care. No, this tale is not a documentary on the Obama administration.” It’s V! It’s the show about duplicitous lizard creatures! Do you see what she did there? She compared Barack Obama’s agenda with that of fictional aliens who hate humanity! Outstanding!
Also, three weeks after the fact, Andrea weighs in on Larry David splashing urine on a picture of Jesus Christ (HB-PO’d at ‘Enthusiasm’). “Imagine if David had done the same routine using a picture of the prophet Mohammed. I am grossed out — by the the bathroom humor as well as the slur.”
That’s all well and good, but how do you feel about South Park calling Kanye a gay fish?
She also tells us that she didn’t vote in the last election (“I vote with my pocketbook, and I could not find a candidate who shares my views.”), but the jewel in her crown of misguided anger today is Hack halts cab nookie & now he’s screwed?!
“This man does not deserve to be treated like a criminal. Cabby Medhat Mohamed is the new poster boy for sexual intolerance in this libertine city… Mayor Bloomberg labeled the distressed driver a ‘disgrace.’… But Medhat Mohamed is no bigot, and he’s not a disgrace.”
Firstly, Bloomberg qualified his comments with an “if the allegations are true.” You don’t qualify anything, Andrea. You just insult the gay guys who obviously got revenge on the poor man who wouldn’t let them fuck in the back seat of his cab.
“But the campaign against the cabby marks a new low for this city. Mohamed told me, and I have no reason to disbelieve him, that the couple in the back was doing a lot more than hugging.”
She has no reason to disbelieve him, but those horny faggots? They’re all liars. They’re victimizing Medhat! Here’s the best part: “The rush to blame Mohamed’s Muslim faith for the infraction seems its own kind of blatant bigotry — a move to change the nature of this sordid story into a tale of religious rights vs. gay rights.”
Don’t let Andrea see today’s front page or pages 4-5, lest her papermates’ rush to blame Hasan’s Muslim faith cause her head to explode.
On second thought, someone please force Andrea to look at the front page and pages 4-5 until her head explodes.
Pedophiles have started using computer viruses to hack into other people’s computers and stash their kiddie porn there — viewing it remotely at their leisure — without the actual owners of the PCs even realizing that the lewd materials are there, your honor.
Sucre from Prison Break is dating Dr. Cameron from House? Does that mean Dr. Chase is going to start seeing the lady whose head was in a box but it turns out that it wasn’t her head?
(we stopped watching Prison Break in its third season, but I think that’s what happened)
PIX 11 has a half-page ad for Inside Edition in Page Six (today on page 13) that trumpets:
EXCLUSIVE! MICHELLE OBAMA’S FORGOTTEN RELATIVES (AND THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE HER)
A quick peak at the IE website reveals that they’re a White family — the lady is Michelle’s fourth cousin.
Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt and George W. Bush, but this story is just as interesting, I’m sure.
Cindy Adams: “Anyone know that in Japanese, ‘Ringo Starr’ means ‘applesauce’?”
Box.
B’also? She ended her interview with Terrence “Moist Wipes” Howard with, “I quick [sic] left Terrence, whose jacket, by the way, was so cashmere-y, it must have come from a goat’s private parts.”
Andrea Peyser would be mortified by such toilet humor.
The drummer for !!! and LCD Soundsystem died in an elevator accident yesterday. Jerry Fuchs and another man were trapped three or four feet above the fifth floor. The other guy jumped down to the floor, but when Jerry tried his clothing got caught on the elevator and he was pulled into the shaft.
In 2005, !!!’s drummer was killed while on his bike in Sacramento.
The next time Spinal Tap tours, !!! should open.
(RIP, Jerry)
Diane Schuler (the original “drunk driver of a minivan full of kids going the wrong way down a road” lady) pulled over to vomit twice during that final drunken voyage. And she had 6 grams of undigested booze in her stomach during the autopsy.
Which could mean that, after puking twice, she continued drinking. While driving.
Awesome.
Lawrence Taylor got in a car accident in Florida last night and fled the scene. Cops caught up and arrested him for “leaving the scene of accident/property damage.”
Here’s a good defense, LT: “Your honor, if fleeing the scene of an accident is the worst thing I do in Florida this week, we’re all pretty lucky, am I right?”
Governor Bobby Jindal has declared a state of emergency in a condescending almost-lispy drawl. He’s afraid of Hurricane Ida, which should reach the Gulf Coast tomorrow.
Jindal is expected to remain creepy.
Jacob Gershman wonders WHO’LL DARE TO PROBE THE WFP?
Is the answer ACORN?
James J. Ring of Ossining (that rhymes!) writes in to say, “I already have contempt for the snakes who will crawl out of the grass and out from under slimy rocks to defend whoever is guilty of the massacre at Fort Hood.”
Then he angrily fed his cats and tried to remember what it felt like to be loved.
Is Michael Vick going to the Buffalo Bills?
Possibly!
Boy, the Giants are making it really easy to give up those season tickets, huh, Dad?
Glenn Beck Twatted yesterday, “My wife lays the law: i’m not 2 go 2 work 2morrow either. I’m feeling better & will B back Tuesday. A TON 2 SAY.”
While I’m glad that his wife sleeps with cops, I’m sorry 2 C that he will B back.
In praising The Wanda Sykes Show, Linda Stasi referred to SNL as Saturday Night Dead.
See what she did there?
The show had its moments and I look forward to the next episode, but it was hardly the home run that Linda declared it to be (Mary Lynn Rajskub was funny? When?). I’ve loved Wanda since her time on The Chris Rock Show. Let’s hope that enough people watch this so that it can become a 5-nights-a-week thing.
Despite it being Monday, have a great day, kids.
YESTERDAY
A staggering amount of Yankees stuff (when you consider how many special pull-out sections the paper has already published — not to mention the one coming on Sunday), including Andrea Peyser’s piece on Derek Jeter (“Then my man Derek boarded the float behind me.”) He is not your man, Andrea. You are a Mets fan. B’also? He dates women who aren’t abrasive Italian stereotypes old enough to be his grandmother.
Get off the bandwagon, preferably while it is going very fast. On a highway made of glass shards and thumb tacks.
Do you work at A.L. Sarroff on Liberty Street? If so, are you one of the super-bright employees that threw (not confetti or shredded papers but) clients’ personal financial information out the window as the Yankees’ drove by? If so, well played.
Any clients reading this? If so, why are you still clients?
Penises Made of Vomit (sorry. Ralph Peters) hops in the Hyperbole-mobile and starts demanding that we call a spade a spade (so to speak).
“What cowards we are. Political correctness killed those patriotic Americans at Fort Hood as surely as the Islamist gunman did. And the media treat it like a case of nondenominational shoplifting.”
“Get ready for the apologista. We’ve already heard from the terrorist’s family that ‘he’s a good American.’ In their world, maybe he is. But when do we, the American public, knock off the PC nonsense?”
I think “we” refers to White people.
“I guarantee you that the Obama administration’s nonresponse to the Fort Hood attack will mock the memory of our dead.”
I’ll take that bet. If you win, I’ll stop making fun of your name. If you lose, I get to cut off your fingers. With a dull spoon.
Engineer Jason Rodriguez, 40, was angry that (2 years earlier) he was let go from Reynolds Smith & Hills, so he returned to their offices on Friday, killing one employee and injuring five others (all are in stable condition).
Police got him three hours after the attack — at his mother’s house.
I think his last name tells us a lot. When will we, the American public, realize that these foreign dogs only mean us harm?
(cuts eyeholes in pillowcase, purchases Lynyrd Skynyrd LP on eBay)
That guy who said he was too fat to kill his son-in-law?
Turns out a jury of his peers disagreed.
Enjoy prison, Edward Ates (also, try to get people to give you the nickname “Crazy” because “Crazy Ates” would be a great prison nickname)!
According to a survey of British schoolchildren, 1 in 20 kids thought Adolf Hitler was a German football coach, 1 in 6 thought Auschwitz was a theme park, 1 in 12 thought the Blitz was “a European cleanup campaign following World War II” and 20 in 20 surveyors were unable to detect sarcasm or “the taking of piss.”
Wankers.
Congratulations to Cha Sa-soon, 68!
She just passed her written exam for a driver’s license! And it only took her… 950 tries!
She’s taken the exam every business day since April of 2005. That’s roughly $4,200 in application fees.
Good luck on the road test, Cha(also, try to get people to give you the nickname “Ooh-La-La” because “Ooh-La-La Sa-soon” would be a great ad campaign for shampoo)!
Chris Christie has promised to veto any tax hike presented to him by the Legislature in 2010.
B’wouldn’t it be funny if the guy who ran on a “no new taxes” platform turned around and raised taxes in 2010? Is such a thing even possible?
Adrian Rawn, 28, tried to kill himself on Friday morning by jumping off the George Washington Bridge.
He fell 212 feet into water that was 55 degrees. And survived.
He swam to New Jersey and is now in serious condition at Hackensack University Medical Center, where doctors and nursing continue to crack their gum and knuckles around the clock.
Art D’Lugoff has died at the age of 85. He was weeks away from re-opening the Village Gate.
They don’t make folks like him anymore. Godsepeed, Art.
An article on the soon-to-be-released Pong (you put it over your cellphone and it redirects radiation away from your head) begins, “It’s believed that cellphones — along with peanut butter, microwaves and just about everything else in life — might cause cancer.”
Ladies and gentlemen, the New York Post.
The blurb of Larry King’s “review” of The Fourth Kind has been shortened in their ad to “A remarkable movie that boggles the mind.”
I’d imagine that jelly in a squeeze bottle boggles what’s left of his mind.
Manny Ramirez has agreed to return to L.A. for the 2010 season.
I truly hope that this year, he successfully has that baby.
Turns out that Mariano Rivera had a rib injury sometime during the ALCS. But he sucked it up and continued his postseason dominance.
I say we have that rib removed and put in Cooperstown, right next to the sock that Curt Schilling put dog’s blood on.
Jose Canseco was asked which current baseball player he would most like to box. He replied, “Alex Rodriguez, get your ass in the ring, I’ll beat you to a pulp. That lying little idiot, I’d like to get him in the ring.”
Sadly, Rodriguez is too busy being successful to celebrity box, so Canseco went home and looked at his testicles under a microscope.
The postal service in Britain has decreed that Benny Hill is too risqué to put on a postage stamp there.
And yet Donald Duck — who never wore pants once in his entire life — is considered OK.
(shakes head in disgust)
TODAY
Dems pass $1.2T health bill rests atop the headline WON’T HURT A BIT! along with a photo of Obama’s smiling face Photoshopped onto a doctor tapping a syringe.
I was wondering what the Post (whose columnists have been assuring readers for weeks that the health-care bill would never make it through the House) would say about yesterday’s historic passing. Surely they’d have some kind of “Oopsie! We were wrong!” mea culpa, no?
“Open up your wallets, America! A bloated $1.2 trillion health-care bill squeezed through the House last night by a vote of 220-215, promising to smother taxpayers and businesses with a raft of new penalties and fees.”
Boy, I can’t wait until I get to pages 6-7 to find out how bad the Democrats just stuck it to America!
Are you a Citibank customer? Do you have less than $1,500 in a checking account there?
If so, you’re about to pay a brand-new monthly $7.50 penalty! That’s right — starting February, you’ll lose $90 a year if you don’t have over $1,500 in that account!
No wonder the stock is falling again.
The Post managed to find a radical Muslim in Queens who is happy about the Fort Hood attack.
Which, you know, proves that all Muslims hate America.
Michael Tanner insists that the health-care bill is a government takeover of medicine.
Who dresses him in the morning?
Great thanks to all of the Democrats who helped pass the ban on federally-funded abortions.
I can’t wait to read about all the back-alley deaths that happen because of this! Finally, I’ll know what it was like to be alive in the 1950s!
I blame Twitter.
The 911 operator entered a 2 instead of a 5. A simple mistake, sure, but one that caused three deaths.
Engine Company 292 and Rescue Company 4 were each half a mile away from a house that was on fire. But they kept looking for an address that didn’t exist; they got to the actual fire almost 5 minutes after the 911 call was placed.
Remember when people actually checked their work? Not SpellChecked, I mean actually checked?
Me neither.
Michael Goodwin, you so awful.
Barack has a truth ache insists that most Americans think our POTUS as a “liar” and “mostly liberal.”
Racially charged (which I like to think was originally titled Why Black people can’t have nice things) laughs at how New York City’s first Black mayor and New York’s first Black governor are fighting with the country’s first Black president.
But the highlight (lowlight?) of Mikey’s page today is RADICAL ISLAM HITS HOME. It begins, “Tell the truth. When you first heard of the Fort Hood massacre, did you suspect a Muslim? I did, and I take no comfort in being right.”
You want the truth, Mike? Here’s the truth. When you say “American soldier” to me, I immediately think of a White guy in his late twenties/early thirties. I know Black people are in the armed forces. And Asians, and Muslims and women of all shades, but I’m White and my family is White and the majority of people I’ve known throughout my life are White. So when you say “politician,” I think of an older White man. The most powerful politician in America is Black, but my knee-jerk reaction is to think of a White guy. I don’t think that Whites are better than other folks; but if you say “pilot” I think of a White man — with a moustache, for some reason — and if you say “cashier” I think of a White woman, even though I used to be a cashier.
But what does that mean? I’ll admit that my imagination may be considered slightly racist (although, if you said “Black doctor” I wouldn’t struggle with the image), but when I hear about an attack against American citizens on American soil (that doesn’t involve hijacking airplanes), my first visual isn’t a Muslim. In all honesty, it’s Timothy McVeigh. Timothy was raised Roman Catholic and was a decorated U.S. Army veteran.
Timothy also threw up “red flags” like the “White Power” t-shirt he ordered from the KKK while he was enlisted (he was angered by Black soldiers’ pride in their heritage). He was given an honorable discharge in 1992.
Maybe I’m crazy or maybe I just know enough patriotic level-headed Muslims, but when I hear about something awful happening, I don’t immediately think of Muslims. My default is White, based solely on my personal experiences over the last 35 years.
Michael Goodwin thinks of Muslims because he is a hateful racist, and I take no comfort in being right.
Uh-oh! Let’s hope Britney Spears has a 37th comeback in her!
Hundreds of angry concertgoers in Australia stormed out of Brit-Brit’s concert when it became clear that she was lip-synching the whole thing. Some even demanded refunds.
People are once again demanding that a law be instituted to protect fans from being “duped” by performers who purport to be performing but are actually just moving their lips.
I am amazed that people would actually go to a Britney Spears concert to hear her sing.
Originally, Michael Lohan was demanding $100,000 for the recordings he’s been releasing through RadarOnline.
But, in an uncharacteristic showing of restraint, everyone told him “no.” So he gave them to Radar for free (though, they paid him for an exclusive interview following the tapes’ release).
“I have more recordings which will further back up what I have said so far. I will release them. I will not stop until Lindsay goes to rehab.”
Everyone, I’m begging you. Stop paying attention to this man.
Lloyd Blankfein, the head of Goldman Sachs considers himself to be a “blue-collar” banker who is “doing God’s work.”
I assume that the work he’s referring to is smiting.
It’s a veritable tag-team of ignorance!
Regurgitation Molded Into Phalluses (sorry, Ralph Peters) gives us O can’t be bothered by terror, with … and isn’t listening to us directly beneath it by none other than Peggy Noonan!
Ralph laments that “The massacre’s 51 casualties, including 13 dead, were insufficient to drag President Obama away from the White House Happy Hour. We just saw the worst terror attack on America since 9/11. And Obama couldn’t adjust his schedule to support our grieving troops.”
I’m trying to locate Ralph’s op-ed from 2005 where he rips into Bush (and McCain!) for literally eating cake while Hurrican Katrina was killing well over 13 Americans, but for some reason, I just can’t find it. I did find this, though.
Ralph goes on to presciently tell us of the happenings in alternate timelines — which only he is privy to.
“Imagine if, instead of Fort Hood, the massacre had gone down at a mosque in Detroit — carried out by a maddened Christian or Jew. Obama would’ve been aboard Air Force One before the pilots had time to file a flight plan and he would have been on site before the gun smoke cleared, hugging and boo-hooing and dispensing stirring rhetoric for the evening news. But go out of his way to rally our butchered troops? Not a chance. It’s not like they’re real human beings with Ivy League degrees. When Obama got word of the attack, he didn’t even lose his fabled cool.”
Gee, Ralph. Why don’t you tell us how you really feel? Your arguments are faulty and despicably insulting — I’m just amazed you didn’t mention arugula! You are correct, though. Obama hates non-Muslim people, especially if they didn’t go to a really good college and super-especially if they’re in the armed forces. And when they die, he and his book-smart buddies laugh, socialize medicine and give free money to illegal immigrants.
B’also? Nice racist touch bringing up “his fabled cool.” You obviously think that a true hero, when learning of an American tragedy, would display some kind of panic or courage or vigor or… anything.
I’m angry that people not only read Ralph Peters, but I’ll be seeing loads of praise for him in the letters section tomorrow.
Peggy Noonan seems like the Oracle at Delphi in comparison.
Kyle Smith “reviews” Al Gore’s new book, Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis in EA$Y BEING GREEN.
Smith disregards everything that Gore says because, if the world actually enacted his ideas, he’d make a profit.
Smith has no problem with Cheney awarding no-bid contracts to his “former” company in the region where he started a fraudulent war, but the fact that Al Gore is investing in things that he believes will ultimately benefit the planet? Fuck that noise! I’m turning all of my money into Blackwater stock!
Am I having an acid flashback or am I actually looking at a 2-page spread devoted to analyzing Reagan’s Berlin Wall speech?
It’s official: The New York Post is “over” Lady GaGa (GAGGING ON GAGA).
A full page about how they don’t want to talk about her anymore.
That’s like a black fly in your chardonnay.
V.A. Musetto’s favorite movie at the London Film Festival?
She, A Chinese.
Of course.
Carl Pavano is a free agent!
B’also, Kevin Kernan reminds us that the Ortiz jersey that was buried in the foundation of the new Yankee Stadium was supposed to curse us for 86 years.
It didn’t even curse us for a single season.
Unless… it’s the only reason we won… oh my God! Put it back in! PUT IT BACK IN!
And on that note, good morrow.
A pleasantly exhausting day of cleaning and relaxing (more the latter than the former, mind you, but still).
I just can’t bring myself to spend the hours necessary to make the seven of you laugh, so I’ll cover whatever I need to from today’s paper tomorrow. B’until then, I wanted to share with you my favorite paragraph from Armond White’s cover story in this week’s New York Press (Pride & Precious: You can thank media titans Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry for much of the hype surrounding Lee Daniels’ film [sic] Precious. Armond White calls it the ‘Con Job of the Year.’):
“The hype for Precious indicates a culture-wide willingness to accept particular ethnic stereotypes as a way of maintaining status quo film values. Excellent recent films with black [sic] themes — Next Day Air, Cadillac Records, Meet Dave, Norbit, Little Man, Akeelah and the Bee, First Sunday, The Ladykillers, Marci X, Palindromes, Mr. 3000, even back to the great Beloved (also produced by Oprah) — have been ignored by the mainstream media and serious film culture while this carnival of black [sic] degradation gets celebrated. It’s a strange combination of liberal guilt and condescension.”
(this just beat out the sentence “Daniels’ cast lacks that uncanny mix of love and threat that makes Next Day Air so August Wilson- authentic[sic].” for the #1 slot)
This bears repeating: “Excellent recent films… like Next Day Air… Meet Dave, Norbit, Little Man… First Sunday… Marci X… have been ignored by… serious film culture… It’s a strange combination of liberal guilt and condescension.”
When I was a child, my father and I saw movies together almost every weekend. If I suggested a movie to see and he said, “Siskel and/or Ebert said it’s awful” my response was always, “remember what they said about Stripes.”
I tell you this to illustrate the point that no critic will ever agree with your personal sensibilities 100% of the time; even the great Gene ‘n’ Roger occasionally mistook a classic for a dud. But for Armond White to blame “liberal guilt and condescension” for the lack of attention given to Little Man (Marlon Wayans’ head CGI’d onto a baby!) and Marci X (Damon Wayans teaches Lisa Kudrow how to rap!) is kind of like me saying that John From Cincinnati would still be on the air if Republicans weren’t so greedy and hateful towards homosexuals (actually, a case could be made for my argument, if you have a few hours).
Armond White is out of his mind.
Asta la mañana, kids.
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