Archive for December, 2009
Last night was the last Dog Court rehearsal of 2009. They got me a bottle of Glenlivet 15-year-old French Oak Reserve. They are awesome. They are performing at the Magnet this Sunday at 9:30 p.m. I will be in attendance. I hope you all will, too.
As snow (!) covered my puffy jacket, I trudged to the deli around the corner for a Post. I thought about tonight’s ball drop and what a security nightmare it would be if it kept snowing. Once I got my paper, I realized that it’s already a security nightmare. The snow doesn’t even enter into it.
COPS DROP THE BALL
Abandoned van sat in Times Sq. for 2 days
Two days. The white 1992 Dodge van sat on Broadway between 41st and 42nd Street for two days. It had NO LICENSE PLATES. It had A FAKE LAW ENFORCEMENT PLACARD ON THE DASHBOARD (titled “Detective’s Crime Clinic” for “Metropolitan New Jersey and New York”). Its registration had been “tampered with” and “all the windows were covered up with thick plastic bags.” Meter maids passed the van — repeatedly — but never wrote it a ticket and never thought that it might be a threat to the thousands of people in its immediate vicinity. Only after someone called it in to the police did they investigate.
Two. Days.
Turns out it belongs to a street peddler and it contained no PETN, no anthrax, no pipe bombs. Just Burberry knock-offs. Which means that, like the recent Jim Carrey-on incident, we got lucky despite law enforcement doing a half-assed job.
I wouldn’t go to Times Square tonight if you paid me.
The MTA wants $28,000,000,000 for “big-ticket projects like the Second Avenue Subway.”
The state said no, pointing out the $10,000,000,000 funding gap in their budget.
B’also? Only one person on the board that oversees capital budgets voted no. Thankfully, approval requires unanimity.
B’also’also? The MTA gives its employees AND their spouses AND their children FREE UNLIMITED METROCARDS. But students from low-income neighborhoods that require public transportation to get to their schools will be paying full price for their formerly-free cards in 2011 (and half price in 2010).
There are war crimes, people.
Sheldon Silver “predicted… that Andrew Cuomo would run for governor next year.”
That’s uncanny! I wouldn’t have expected the Assembly Speaker — “the state’s No. 2 Democrat” — to be so knowledgeable! It’s almost as if he read any single newspaper in the last year and a half!
Page 2 news, everyone!
New York State has a budget of $133,000,000,000. Currently, it has $833,000,000 in its treasury for 2010.
That’s 00.6% That’s the lowest amount ever recorded (in the “at least three decades of the present accounting system”).
Oopsy-doodle.
The Post held a Readers’ Choice poll for the 10 Best Front Pages of the last decade.
#1 – Sept. 13, 2001
#2 – Sept. 11, 2001
#3 – Sept. 15, 2001
Not on the list: Sept. 12, 2001 and Sept. 14, 2001. Makes you think, right?
Other “winners” include topless Ashley Dupre holding her prostitute breasts (in full color!) at #5 (March 14, 2008), Tiger Woods — with Photoshopped missing teeth, bruises and band-aids — and the I’M A CHEETAH caption (December 9, 2009), Eliot and Silda Spitzer grimacing above the bold HO NO! headline at #7 (March 11, 2008), and the corpse of al-Zarqawi (close-up on his freshly-bloodied face — in full color!) and a cartoon word balloon that says “Warm up the virgins” (makes you think, right?) only managed to snag the #8 slot (June 9, 2006).
I can’t believe that the edition they ran announcing Dick Gephardt as Kerry’s running mate didn’t place…
Rush Limbaugh was rushed (heh) to a hospital in Hawaii after experiencing “chest pains.”
He was listed as “in serious condition” and told paramedics that he “was taking medication for a back problem” (wink wink).
The cardiology department looked in Limbaugh’s chest and immediately realized that their expertise was inapplicable.
Fun fact! Authorities at an airport in Somalia caught a guy last month who was trying to get on a plane with a syringe, acid and over two pounds of explosive powder (13x more than Jim Carrey-on).
In Somalia they did this. And I’m fairly certain they don’t spend as much on airport security.
Maybe one day we’ll be as advanced. As Somalia.
They’re burning our flag in Tehran? Don’t they know that that’s against the law?
We’d better go to war there then.
And in Yemen.
A Taliban suicide bomber got into a US military base in Afghanistan. Eight CIA employees are dead.
“The CIA has declined to comment publicly on the attack until relatives of the dead are notified.”
Dick Cheney, on the other hand, just shoved the list of names into the grave of Robert Novak.
Then he ate a baby.
Michael Lohan is dating Jon Gosselin’s ex-girlfriend (not his wife’s plastic surgeon’s daughter; the “reporter” from Star who has a thing for retarded fame-whores amid mid-life crises).
Is it just me or is the concept of televised game shows/executions (like The Running Man) no longer ridiculous? I mean, wouldn’t you watch these guys fight to the death using only rusty spoons and bleach? High concept/low budget! Where’s my Emmy?
OK. This is kind of gross. Bear with me.
There’s a survey that ranks the “most-admired men and women in America” (according to the “1,025 adults” they called who didn’t hang up). Hillary Rodham Clinton got 16% of the vote. Sarah Palin got 15% (though Fox News’ estimates give her 73% and 42% of the most-admired man vote and also a pony), Oprah got 8%, Michelle Obama got 7%.
But dig this: The 5th and 6th places on the list both have 1% of the vote but they’re still ranked 5th and 6th (usually you would say they were tied for 5th and there would be no 6th place on the list). But this is the Post, so Condoleezza Rice is 5th and Queen Elizabeth II is 6th. Similarly, the last 4 slots on the list all got 1% of the vote, but Margaret Thatcher is 7th, Maya Angelou is 8th, Angela Merkel is 9th and Elin Nordegren (?) is 10th.
For the top three most-admired men, President Obama got 30% of the vote, George W. Bush got 4% and Nelson Mandela got 3% (upon hearing this. he somberly walked back into his old prison cell and asked only for a copy of Invictus and a rag to cry in). The next four guys tied, but are ranked as: Glenn Beck #4, Pope Benedict XVI #5, Rev. Billy Graham #6 and Bill Gates #7. What a hilariously blasphemous conflict of interest. The next four guys (yes, the men’s list goes to 11) continue the partisan back-patting with: John McCain #8, George H.W. Bush #9, Bill Clinton #10 and Tiger Woods (?) #11.
Billy Graham has been on this list 53 times (it’s has been compiled every year since 1948), but Glenn Beck is the one “ranked No. 4″ while the Rev. gets a third of the number of the beast. And surely the guy who serves one term as POTUS should come before the guy who served two.
Most admired man polls.
Huh huh.
TONIGHT! TIME WARNER CABLE MAY STOP CARRYING FOX!
Time Warner offered arbitration (during which time the channels would still appear on their lineup) but word on the street is that Fox won’t accept.
That would be a great way to start 2010 — with Fox not being able to broadcast their New Year’s coverage in NYC! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Rain and snow this afternoon? Buh-leckhhhh (that’s Yiddish).
Even in the absence of terrorism, peoples is gonna get mad hurt tonight. I bet a bunch of them will get super-drunk, fall in front of a train and get $8,000,000 settlements!
Robert Morgenthau is leaving office today.
When the sunlight touches him, he is expected to turn into a pile of dust and moaning ghosts.
Tom Binns, a radio DJ in England, was fired after cutting off Queen Elizabeth(#6)’s Christmas Day speech, telling listeners that it was “boring.” Then he said, “From one queen to another,” and played a song by Wham!
Don’t they know about Adam Lambert in England yet?
That’s Bob Geldof’s new celebrity charity single, incidentally.
Barf Dicks (sorry, Ralph Peters) has an editorial that predicts catastrophe in the Middle East, which he blames squarely on the America-hating POTUS (O’s Day of Reckoning). Actually… come to think of it… all of these predictions are… the plot of the “thriller” he published!
Just when I think he can’t blur the line between fact and fiction any more than he already has…
This blurb left out the last five words of Rex Reed’s review of It’s Complicated!
It should read “What a joy to sit back and be entertained in a place with heat.”
Sigh.
The Nets beat the Knicks (by 9 points!). Now they’re 3-29.
I’m still hoping for a single-digit-in-the-win-column season, though.
Charlie Sheen’s wife’s attorney, Yale Galanter, claims that while she isn’t pressing charges against Charlie, neithr is she going back on her word.
“Brooke did not recant her story, she was simply unaware of the consequences when she called 911 and felt bad about it,” he somehow said without bursting into flames.
Because, had she known that her husband would have to post $8,500 for bail, she would never have told the cops about how he held her down on a bed, choked her, held a knife to her throat and told her that he could kill her and get away with it — and would.
Can you have battered wife syndrome by proxy? If so, I think Yale’s got it.
That’s some attorney, Brooke.
Teresa just called — she’s getting off work after lunch (though with the way the snow is falling, she may arrive home at her regular time).
That makes this an almost-four-day weekend! Hooray!
Be safe tonight, ever’buddy and may 2010 help us all forget everything we can about 2009.
Happy New Year!
Yesterday night, I walked down the street with four heavy bags of groceries (that’s how I do). It was easily the coldest and windiest day of 2009 (just under the wire!), which is why I was walking to the subway instead of waiting for a bus. As I descended the reason it’s called Park Slope, the wind blew my hat down over my eyes. But I couldn’t put my bags down, so I walked like Chuck Barris down the hill, leaning my head back to see where I was headed.
I fought the urge to tell passers-by that “this next act (clap hands) is a really (clap hands) uh… wow (clap hands).”
Today isn’t as bad.
Let’s do this.
Three features on today’s cover:
Do or die: Jets set to ’swamp’ Bengals gives false hope to its readers, continuing the myth that the Jets have a shot at any semblance of glory this season.
Naked truth! features a large photo of Vera Farmiga and George Clooney and proclaims “Her nude scene [in Up in the Air] has a twist.” For more details, turn to Page Six (today on page 12). Can’t wait.
Oddly, Vera and George get the lion’s share of the cover, leaving ‘WE BLEW IT’ in second place. More oddly, the headline doesn’t refer to anyone involved in the Tiger Woods scandal. It’s a direct quote from Obama referencing the “al Qaeda crotch bomber” (the Post does it again!) and his ability to smuggle a bomb onto a US airliner. It also references how the CIA has been tracking the would-be-terrorist (to things besides his junk) since August.
Since this is the Post, we’ll pretend that this is entirely Obama’s fault. Just as 9/11 was entirely Clinton’s fault and just like the current economic wasteland might have had something to do with Bush, but why keep looking backwards?
Will someone please start a literate and bipartisan daily newspaper in Windsor Terrace?
I promise I’ll buy it (if there’s Sudoku).
Well, the “special Senate panel” that is currently mulling over whether or not Hiram Monserrate should keep his job has released a “damning” report that finds that Hiram has not accepted responsibility for his despicable actions against his “girlfriend” (my current facial expression is mock shock [shmock?]).
Does this mean Hiram is headed towards expulsion? Possibly.
Hopefully.
Remember Nadja Green, 30, the sleepy Rikers guard?
She got 30 days of suspension for falling asleep on the job. It was the SECOND time she did this.
And the guard who took the picture? 30 days of suspension (cellphones aren’t allowed in the facility).
Enjoy the vay-cay, Nadja and her also-incompetent co-worker!
The guy who tried to blackmail David Letterman is claiming that he’s no more a criminal than Rachel Uchitel, who is featured in the accompanying photo wearing a bikini (with a diamond skull on the mons pubis area!). He just wanted hush money. You know, for his silence.
Now THAT’S a solid defense.
Horses that pull carriages in Central Park are now required by law to get 5 weeks of vacation per year.
That’s nice… if it’s paid vacation.
“Of course there are a number of al Qaeda operatives in Yemen and some of their leaders. We realize this danger. They may actually plan attacks like the one we have just had in Detroit. There are maybe hundreds of them — 200, 300.”
No, that isn’t a Joe Lieberman quote. The person who said that is actually Abu Bakr al-Qirbi. He’s the Yemeni foreign minister.
I like the “of course” that starts the sentence. Like “of course we have people plotting the death of America here! Duh!”
It’s also nice of Abu to say that the attack in Detroit affected Yemen as much as it did the U.S. (what do you mean we, pal?)
Also on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six), is the continuation of the cover story, now titled O furious over botch in security. Among the “other developments” listed as responses to the almost terrorist attack (I think from now on, I will refer to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab as “Jim Carrey-on” in honor of his intended target and the movie Liar, Liar [after all, he did set his pants on fire]): The U.S. and Yemen “are looking at fresh targets in Yemen for a potential retaliatory strike over the foiled bombing”; Chuck Schumer wants TSA personnel stationed in foreign airports; al Qaeda is suspected of practicing smuggling explosives through European airports; and (this is my favorite) “MTA police stepped up patrols and random bag inspections on commuter rails and major stations.”
Why would the terrorists strike the MTA? What could they possibly do to make our public transportation more dangerous/less reliable?
B’also? The suspected reason that Jim Carrey-on did what he did? SEX TORMENT DROVE HIM NUTS (another pun about testicles? Someone’s angling for a Pulitzer!).
See, he was lonely. And horny.
Poor Jim Carrey-on.
Michael Goodwin is back (and sleazier than ever)!
Wanted: A new Bam for the new year begins “When I say ‘Happy New Obama Year,’ let me be clear: I mean we need a new President Obama in the new year. And let me respond by wishing you a Happy New Post Columnists Who Aren’t Borderline Retarded Year. Sadly, I think we’re both stuck with what we currently have.
Gilly’s good for nothing, so let’s just get rid of her calls for the ousting of Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (duh) and HAIL THE CRIME STOPPERS congratulates the NYPD for the lowest number of murders in 50 years (give or take).
But the crown jewel of today’s page is Bush bash stops here. I will now transcribe it in its entirety (all four sentences):
YOU have to marvel at the chutzpah of President Obama’s handlers. After complaining that Republicans were attacking their boss over the security lapses on the Christmas bomb plot, White House aides helpfully noted the system was designed under President George W. Bush. Good thing they got that in under the wire. Come Jan. 1, the statute of limitations expires on blaming Bush.
I guess there wasn’t room to mention that Obama uses a TelePrompTer.
B’also? Credit where credit is due, Mike. Regardless of whatever make-believe limits you put on the shelf-life of facts.
I owe Mac Antigua an apology. For years (years!) he has insisted (along with various other friends of mine) that I should be watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I watched it once years ago and thought it was mediocre (at best).
Over the last two months, Teresa and I have been plowing through all five seasons. Mac was right. This show is a breath of fresh comedic air. We just watched the episode where Dee and Charlie each do a brief stand-up set.
Pure. Gold.
The Lovely Bones had a $100,000,000 budget.
It opened in three theaters on December 11th.
Currently, it is playing in those same three theaters. And only those three theaters.
Total domestic gross after 19 days? $287,000.
Oof.
(it’s supposed to get a wide release on 1/15/10, but the reviews have been fairly unkind — Pete Hammond hasn’t even reviewed it yet!)
Finally! On page 13 we learn that Vera Farmiga used a body double for her nude (from behind) scene in Up in the Air!
So that’s why the newspaper that recently published Kyle Smith’s op-ed that described George Clooney’s worldview as “nonsense” put Clooney on the front page!
Outstanding!
Erin Muller dated Michael Lohan for 2 1/2 years (!) and was even engaged to him (!!). She now claims that he gave her a fake watch on her birthday in December of 2007 (!!!). And in 2008, he “punched her in the mouth” and “beat her with a stiletto heel” and “put a lit cigarette out on her scalp.” And in November of 2009 he “punched her in the head with a closed fist” (which is kind of like “kicking someone with a leg”).
In a related story, Hailey Glassman claims that Jon Gosselin “pushed [her] against [a] wall” and was “verbally abusive.”
In an unrelated story, I just looked at the TV in this coffee shop and Neil Rosen has the worst dyed hair plugs and/or toupee I’ve seen in years. The fact that Paula Cole’s “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” is playing adds to my nausea.
Page 19 is another full-page warning that TOMORROW NIGHT TIME WARNER CABLE MAY STOP CARRYING FOX!
Here’s the thing about that: What Stupert Murdoch doesn’t grok is that 2010 isn’t 1980. If your cable company doesn’t carry Fox, you go online and find whatever shows you want to watch on Sidereel or Hulu or Youtube. No one watches live TV anymore (besides my parents).
I have no love for TWC, but I’m really hoping they call Fox’s bluff. And remove Fox News from the lineup out of spite (and/or common sense).
A 15-year-old boy took a 12-year-old girl on a joyride in an SUV. He drove 51 mph in a 30 mph zone and went through a fence. The car flipped on its side. She’s dead.
The boy claims he was in the car but wasn’t driving it.
R.I.P., Kaitlin Booth.
Page 28 is Time Warner’s same rebuttal ad from yesterday (or was it Monday?).
Stand your ground, awful corporation!
The McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home in Rome, Georgia has a fairly bizarre offer for their (prospective) customers.
If you go there and sign a contract stating your intention to drink or take drugs and then drive on New Year’s Eve, then — if you crash and die — they’ll give you a free funeral.
I would love to see what ideas these folks shot down before settling on this.
Snooki (one of the mildly retarded “stars” of Jersey Shore) tells OK! that she wants her own dating show.
She even has the title: Snookin’ for Love.
Might I suggest His & Herpes?
Someone tried to sell an engagement ring on Craigslist. The buyer arrived, Maced him in the face and ran.
This is why I prefer eBay.
The greatest basketball game of all time is happening tonight at 7:30.
The 12-19 Knicks will face the 2-29 Nets.
Will the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets wind up with 15x more losses than wins?
Probably!
The 10 BEST PLAYERS OF THE DECADE lists David Wright at #10. That’s it, Mets.
A-Rod is #5, Jeter is #3 and in the #1 slot? Who else?
Mariano Rivera.
His postseason ERA is 0.74.
When does baseball season start again?
In less depressing Mets news, former Red Sock (I’m sorry, but Red Sox is not singular no matter what Bostonians [struggle to] think) Jason Bay has signed a 4 year/$66,000,000 contract with the Mets.
Congratulations, other New York baseball team!
Charlie Sheen’s recent arrest has boosted the ratings of Two and a Half Men.
Boosted them. It’s once again the #1 comedy series.
Take a bow, America.
The end.
Tomorrow’s will be my last entry of the year (as it is the last day of the year).
See you then.
If art is something that gets a reaction from its audience, then this might be the artiest art of the decade.
It is most assuredly NSFW (or people with weak constitutions).
Sister tells her parents that her brother is hiding beer. Brother gets grounded and finds his sister’s private hookup list (I didn’t know what that was before reading this either).
Teresa posted this on Facebook (appropriately enough) and I read it from start to finish with my jaw on the floor.
Enjoy.
It just occurred to me that two days after the underwear (almost-)bomber struck, I went through airport security and no one caressed my junk.
I’m writing an angry letter to my Congresspeoples.
Having said that, let’s see what’s happening in my world this morning (/afternoon).
How many dick/underwear jokes can you fit on the head of a pin?
And by head of a pin, I mean front page of the Post.
GREAT BALLS OF FIRE snarks the headline, followed by Air bomber’s blast-packing undies are the real hot pants. They are accompanied by photos of the bomb and undies (totes NSFW) and the beginning of the page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six) story, which begins: “Call them Jihad Jockeys.”
Yes. Let’s.
Other hilarious plays on words include “frighty whities” and “Air bomber’s shorts fuse“ and “undie-cover plan” and I can’t stop laughing.
And by stop I mean start.
Ah. Here’s the rub.
The folks who took credit are “a Yemeni al Qaeda faction — whose masterminds had been released from Guantanimo Bay” (I think the Post means Guantanamo Bay).
Which is why Lieberman has a hard-on for war against Yemen (the judges also would have accepted “all the free Viagara he gets from Big Pharma” to explain his boner).
Police say that Charlie Sheen’s wife (did you know that her name is Brooke Mueller? If so, why?) told them that Charlie held a knife to her throat while he pinned her to their bed and threatened to kill her — because she wanted a divorce.
“You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you,” (allegedly) said Sheen. “Your mother’s money means nothing. I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won’t leave any trace.”
But she later recanted and now refuses to help with the investigation.
I have trouble believing Charlie said “in fear” instead of “afraid” or “scared.”
Case dismissed.
Now they’re claiming that Tiger Woods’ affairs (and nothing else) are the reason(s) that the folks he did endorsements for have lost $12,000,000,000 in value (though Accenture gained $307,000,000).
Welp, if it’s in print, it must be true!
Shame on you, Tiger!
Great photo of Nadja Green on page 5. She’s a guard at Rikers Island. She was assigned to the infirmary. She got sleepy.
One of her fellow officers snapped this photo with his phone. While a convicted felon posed next to her gun and keys.
Your tax dollars at rest.
Hey, Charles “Reason Makes What Passes For My Brain” Hurt! Guess what! President Obama is not the first POTUS to use a TelePrompTer! Enough already! Either find something legitimate to criticize about him (which really shouldn’t be difficult, even for an idiot like you) or shut the fuck up.
Take yer pick.
Gawker.com referred to Joe “Girls Gone Wild” Francis as “a rapist” while awarding him the winner of their “Douche of the Decade” poll (he got 32% of the 9,000 cast votes). So he’s suing them for $10,000,000. Here’s an excerpt of Joe’s angry letter to Gawker:
“I lost a $10 million deal as a direct result of you calling me ‘a rapist.’ You will be paying me every dime of that back and more! Are you mentally retarded? Do your research first. I am coming after you harder than I ever went after anyone. I am going to wipe you off the grid!!!! YOU ARE DONE!”
Um, Joe? If you lost $10,000,000 (cough cough bullshit cough cough), then suing them for $10,000,000 will gain you (at best) $10,000,000. Not more than that. Even the mentally retarded can handle math like that.
And to clarify, Francis has never been accused of rape, but in 2006, an 18-year-old told the L.A. Times that she was “pressured into having sex with him on the back of the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ bus.”
What a douche.
I find it fascinating that I saw a (pretty sweet) trailer for Angelina Jolie’s new thriller Salt over a month ago — but it’s still shooting in NYC.
Did I dream it?
Levi (14:52… 14:53… 14:54…) Johnston plans to fight the Palin brood for custody of his child with Bristol Palin.
Bristol told the court that Levi used his Twitter account to find some “weed.”
Which I’m pretty sure is the name of their child.
Johnston says he doesn’t have a Twitter account.
Whatever happens, their kid is fucked with a capital fucked.
Some blogger said that Max Baucus (whom I have no love [or even like] for) was drunk when he gave a speech. Drudge ran with it. Now it appears in the Post.
Is it true? Nope. But it’s still on page 14 of today’s paper.
Well played, horrible newspaper!
Mayor Bloomberg has approved the renaming of a street in Queens for Sean Bell.
Remember Sean Bell? He got shot by undercover cops as he tried to run them over.
I guess Bloomberg doesn’t want a fourth term.
Yet.
Cindy Adams (who really needs to get in the box) will be spending New Year’s in Patagona, Chile.
Let’s hope nothing trivial happens to her.
I guess they set up a giant shredder in Times Square yesterday? To commemorate Good Riddance Day?
O… K…
People got a chance to shred things… to help forget them?
There are photos of a woman shredding a piece of paper with “Credit Card DEBT!!” written on it (I wonder if she still has the debt) and Gillian Lyons, 23, of Brooklyn showing the Post the picture she drew of her ex-boyfriend along with the caption “Brastmaster” (I can see why he left).
They estimate that over 200 people took part in whatever the Hell you’d call yesterday’s event.
Thank you, Argentina, for allowing two gay men to get married.
Maybe one day most Americans will pull the Bible out of their collective asses and follow suit.
O rips Tehran tyrants
Demands Iran halt bloody crackdown
This is on page 20.
I guess the Good Riddance Day story was more important.
What’s that smell?
Oh. Ralph Peters is back. Today, he explains that our lack of hysteria is helping terrorists.
“On Christmas Day, a Muslim attempted to butcher hundreds of Christians (dead Jews would’ve been a bonus).”
Have I said “fuck you”to you lately, Ralph? Well, just to be safe, fuck you.
Bill O’Reilly named John McCain as his “Person of the Year”?!?
And which year was that exactly, Bill?
Trump Entertainment Resorts filed for bankruptcy in February 2009. Its assets were estimated at $2,000,000,000.
Guess what they are now.
$459,000,000.
Poor The Donald.
Citigroup is up $0.04, bringing it to $3.39.
Lou Lumenick and Kyle Smith debate their favorite films of the last decade.
Kyle picks Amélie (great movie, his #6), A.I. (awful movie that tops his list), United 93 (it ranks second, but only because Sarah Palin hasn’t made a movie yet), Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (#3, “one of the most stirringly patriotic movies ever made,” which makes me think he didn’t hear the question correctly). Team America: World Police is #8 (!), Inglourious Basterds is #9 (!!) and Almost Famous is #10 (!!!). Kyle is a terrible person and even worse film critic.
Lou fares better in my eyes. His #1 is The Royal Tenenbaums, #3 is Zodiac, and #6 is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Sadly, The 25th Hour is his #2 (???), A.I. is #5, Almost Famous is #7 (??), and United 93 is #8.
B’oo.
I have played 0 games during this NBA season.
The Nets have played 31.
I have won 0 games.
The Nets have won 2.
2-29 is no way to go through life, son.
Today’s sports list is the 10 WORST PLAYERS OF THE DECADE.
The Mets’ Victor Zambrano is #10, Mo Vaughn is #8 and Roberto Alomar is #2.
The Jets’ Vernon Gholstonis #9 and Brett Farve is #6.
The Knicks can claim #5 (Stephon Marbury) and #3 (Eddy Curry and Jerome James tied!).
And the Yankees get the #4 slot (Carl “The Great Pavumpkin” Pavano) and the #1 slot (Kei Igawa).
Tomorrow will be the 10 best. I wonder how many Mets will make the list (tee hee).
Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning apologized to Giants fans for their awful 2009 season.
That’s sweet.
Linda Stasi points out that Tiger Woods had a dust-up with his wife on Thanksgiving night and that Charlie Sheen was arrested on Christmas Day for allegedly attacking his wife.
“Maybe they should change the those lyrics to “God Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen.”
I see what you did, Linda. Now get a towel and clean it up.
But she is correct in saying that Sheen (who has a looooong history of hitting women, doing drugs and hitting/doing hookers) seems to be getting (yet another) free pass.
Well of course he is! His father was the President of the United States! And his name was Jed!
CNN’s ratings are down 30% in 2009.
MSNBC is down 12%.
Fox News? Well, the Post isn’t going to say anything bad/accurate about their ratings, so all I know is that their “primetime numbers” are up 7%.
Fair, balanced.
Tyra Banks announced that this will be the last season of The Tyra Banks Show.
Condolences and flowers should be sent to Joel McHale at E!.
It’s another evening of music over at MTV:
At 6:30, enjoy Decade of Cribs! At 8:00 and 8:30, it’s more South Park! Then get ready for back-to-back-to-back episodes of Teen Mom at 9:00, 10:00 and 11:00!
So! Much! Music!
That’ll do it for today. Time to grocery shop.
Much love to everyone who is still with me here (especially those who bug their friends to visit — especially if their initials are BO’C).
See you tomorry.
Wait! BREAKING NEWS! Karl Rove’s second wife (of 24 years) is filing for divorce!
B’also! Raj Rajaratnam is accused of tasing his employees (he asked for volunteers and paid them $5,000) and hiring a dwarf to pull pranks. “That same year, employees arrived at Galleon’s morning meeting to a surprise: In the conference room was a dwarf whom Mr. Rajaratnam introduced as an analyst hired to cover ’small-cap’ stocks. He was, in fact, an actor hired for an April Fool’s Day gag.”
I hope there’s more in tomorrow’s paper! G’night!
Did you know that you can’t find the New York Post in Brentwood, CA (not the OJ one) or San Francisco? Well, you can’t. Which served me well — it gave me time to reflect on just how mediocre and poorly researched/written it is. Not reading it every morning made me happier and I’m fairly certain it also made me smarter.
But now I’m back in the city so nice they named it twice and I’m itching to find out what’s going on. I have no television (and for the time being, I have no internet or phone either), so I can’t get news from there. I once tried reading those free papers they hand out by the subway entrances, but that’s like trying to learn Spanish by eating a taco (forgive me, I haven’t written in a while — my metaphors may not actually be metaphors). And every other paper is either more expensive (New York Times) or written by inmates at a juvenile facility (Daily News), so I’m kind of stuck with the Post.
Sigh.
I got Sunday’s paper at the airport and yesterday’s at my local deli. I’ll cover those now (in an abbreviated fashion). Then I’m going to put on m’jacket and head out to my favorite coffee shop (I’m writing this in Word and will post it before starting today’s entry on today’s paper). Get cozy, kids.
SUNDAY
Whole lot about the underwear (almost-)bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. And all of it makes the TSA (and most of our “intelligence” agencies) look stupid. How this guy smuggled the bomb (and the syringe used to “ignite” it) onto a plane (without going through a body scan), I don’t know. And now they’re saying he might not have even had a passport! And he was on a terrorism watch-list! And his father warned the U.S. that his son might be a terrorist — MONTHS AGO!
So infuriating.
On the plus side, this happened on the 25th and we flew home on the 27th. I expected the worst at SFO, but was surprised by how blase everyone seemed to be. Sure, international passengers had some extra hoops to jump through, but Teresa and I eased through and had plenty of time to spare. Plus, we were allowed to go to the bathroom during the last hour of the flight. And we got a movie (Shorts is pretty awful, but it’s better than the movie we go on the flight to Cali — Bandslam).
The more I read about Umar, the angrier I get at my country’s half-assed security.
Charlie Sheen has great taste in hookers, but terrible taste in spouses.
His new one called the cops on him and claimed he attacked her with a knife. On Christmas Day. Which she later amended. And now refuses to talk about.
He faces domestic assault charges and was released on $8,500 bail, or two and a half minutes of his salary from Two and a Half Men.
Ivana Trump was removed from a LGA-bound Delta flight after a baby started crying and she started screaming at the baby. And then at other passengers. And the crew. And the TSA agent who removed her.
I can’t believe her last husband lasted 20 months.
More on the aftermath of the undie-bomber (TNT-whiteys?).
Maria, a 31-year-old teacher from Liverpool, England on the new rules: “There was no entertainment on a seven-hour flight. There were no movies and no radio. They locked the bathrooms an hour before we landed and we weren’t allowed to get up. I want to be safe but this guy created havoc. I want some entertainment, at least.”
I guess she hasn’t seen Bandslam.
Jacen Diaz, 21, of the Dominican Republic: “One guy did something and we’re all paying for it. This is too much. My time is valuable.”
Then stay in Haiti, Jac.
Todd Venezia of the New York Post on Umar’s bomb: “What a package it was.”
I see what you did there.
Full page ad on page 8.
ATTENTION!
STARTING JANUARY 1ST, TIME WARNER CABLE MAY STOP CARRYING FOX 5…
YOU COULD MISS THE GIANTS NEXT SUNDAY
Oh noes! Who will blink first? Is Rupert really going to accept millions of New Yorkers not being able to watch quality programming like TMZ and American Idol and Which Dwarf Wants to Marry This Dwarf?
(by the way, Rupe, ix-nay on the iants-jay).
Jon Gosselin claims that someone broke into his apartment and shredded his wardrobe and furniture. He says it was Hailey Glassman. I claim he’s making it up in the hopes of getting some sympathy.
Abel Ferrara’s next movie?
An adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Starring 50 Cent and Forest Whitaker.
Oof.
EXCLUSIVE 2-page story about Dick Clark and his desire to appear on his New Year’s Eve special (which the Post refers to as “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” despite its actual name, Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve), “even though some critics and viewers would prefer the wheelchair-bound stroke victim sign off for good.”
Clark says, “Obviously, a majority of the on-air work is handled by Ryan, but I’m given the chance to join in and most appreciate it.”
And in a sidebar, Michael Starr says, “the prospect of watching the now-80-year-old Clark slurring his words again is disturbing.” He later adds, “But perhaps it’s time for him to gracefully exit and focus his energies on running his media empire.”
Perhaps he should not appear on TV or run a media empire? Perhaps he should retire? Perhaps?
Five beautiful words: “Michael Goodwin… is off today.”
The mashgiach (kosher-food supervisor) at Montefiore Medical Center, Robert Frank, has been fired after claiming that their cafeteria serves non-kosher food to patients and tells them its kosher.
Which makes Frank a kosher whistle-blower (shofar-blower?).
VOICES OF THE DECADE picks ten people to discuss ten major events of the last ten years. And who is discussing the Spitzer scandal? Ashley Dupre. “Looking back, I don’t look at it as a negative. I’m going to take it and try to turn it into a positive — re-evaluate myself, go to therapy and learn more about myself as a person.”
Let me save you the time and money, Ash. You’re a whore.
Kyle Smith attacks the Obama administration (again) for trying to help fix the current problems facing air-travellers, referring to them (the administration) as an “administration fond of awarding senior posts to those who enthusiastically quote Chairman Mao.”
Stay classy, Kyle.
Anisha Lakhani claims that New York’s snazziest private schools are giving too much homework and teachings things too complex for young minds. “Sixth Graders at Horace Mann read A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” she complains.
If she knew the fifth grade (sorry, Fifth Grade) social studies curriculum, she’d plotz.
I hope you’re proud of yourself, Mom.
Mandy Stadtmiller lists “75 things we loved about the last year of the decade” and at #1?
Leotards.
Reed Tucker lists the ten “BEST MOVIE LINES OF ‘09″ and at #1?
“I love my babies. Why would I want to push them away from me?”
Don’t recognize it? That’s because it’s from Away We Go, which no one saw (production budget: $17,000,000; worldwide total gross after 77 days of release: $10,219,669).
Well done, Mandy. You too, Reed.
Ask Ashley
My wife likes to watch lesbian porn. Do you think she’d actually like to try it? I wouldn’t mind watching, so should I ask her? If so, how? — Joe B.
Ashley: “Of course you wouldn’t mind watching your wife get it on with another woman! What guy wouldn’t?”
Me: “Your wife is gay.”
I think my 15-year-old daughter is having sex. I think it’s too young. Do you? — Anonymous, Long Island
Ashley: “If you forbid her from having sex and seeing this guy, she’ll just rebel against you. By accepting it, and giving her the tools she needs to fully understand what she’s doing, you’ll be one step ahead as the parent rather than one step behind if she were to come to you and say she’s pregnant.”
Me: “Despite what the whore says, there are more options besides your antagonism making her rebel or giving her condoms and your blessing. But the first step is not asking a whore how to raise a sexually promiscuous teenager.”
I’m an African-American guy who prefers white women. Is there any way for me to tell whether they’d be interested in dating a black man before I approach them? — Patrice, 26, Manhattan
Ashley: “There is no way to tell.”
Me: “Avoid Klan rallies and Tea Parties and you should be fine.”
V.A. Musetto lists his ten favorite films of the last ten years.
#10: Talk to Her (contains nudity)
#9: The Death of Mr. Lazarescu (contains nudity)
#8: 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days (contains nudity)
#7: Let the Right One In (contains nudity)
#6: In the City of Sylvia (?)
#5: Werkmeister Harmonies (?)
#4: Mulholland Dr. (contains nudity)
#3: Lilya 4-ever (contains nudity)
#2: Oldboy (contains Asian nudity)
#1: In the Mood for Love (contains Asian nudity)
The New York Post’s film editor, everybody.
The Nets lost some more! They are now 2-28!
Holy moly!
The Post lists the 10 WORST TEAMS OF THE DECADE and the 2009 Nets didn’t make the cut(?!?).
The 2004 Mets came in at #4. The 2003 Mets came in at #3. The 2009 Mets came in at #1.
MONDAY
Today’s front page is split down the middle. On the left, Jets stay alive. On the right, AIR FEAR HIGH 25 more bomber fiends lurk.
That’s right, “police yesterday said they fear that 25 British-born Muslims are plotting to bomb Western airliners.”
Which is why Joe Lieberman insists we should go to war with Britain.
Hailey Glassman says she didn’t trash Jon Gosselin’s apartment. “A source” says that TMZ was called before the police were called.
Gosselin’s attorney scoffed at the accusation. “It’s extremely perplexing and incredulous that [Glassman] would acknowledge that she wrote the note that was speared with a butcher’s knife … and yet she disclaims that she trashed the apartment.”
Those are some big words. Most of them even exist in the English language!
I called this, peeps.
South Carolina Rep. James Clyburn (the third-highest-ranked House Democrat) told Face the Nation that he’d be OK with dropping the public option from the health-care reform bill.
I want to mail everyone in South Carolina a giant box of poo, but, sadly, that’s against the law.
Charlie Sheen and his wife are going to counseling.
Good luck with that, kids.
How is Cindy Adams still alive?
Today she features various predictions from various psychics. From Paula Roberts:
“Iraq: Moves towards peaceful land split by ethnic grouping.”
“Afghanistan: Signs of victory in eight months. (This I personally doubt, but in 20 years, Paula’s been right repeatedly. However, she doesn’t specify victory for whom — America, Afghanistan, Obama, Republicans, the Kurds, the turds, the nerds, who?)”
I like how the Republicans and America aren’t on the same side (though neither are America and Obama).
From Wendy:
“Britney Spears, whose checkbook is enkarging, steals boy-toy Jesus from Madonna.”
“Michael Douglas exits starring roles for director/producer status.”
(um… he’s been producing movies since 1975 — when he won the Oscar for One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest — and he produced Wall Street 2… which he stars in)
“Kirstie Alley and Chaz (nee Chastity) Bono an item???????”
If you’re asking me, the answer is no. If you’re telling me, then the answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“Harry Connick Jr. plays a villain in a film, and it’s a lucky new career direction.”
(um… he did that in Copycat… in 1995… Wendy, do you even know what IMDB.com is?)
Yet another full-page ad (on page 15) threatening the removal of FOX from Time Warner Cable.
And, despite last Sunday’s embarrassing loss, they’re still using next Sunday’s Giants game as a selling point.
A Rockland couple is suing the New York Archdiocese for preventing their daughter from attending a Catholic preschool.
They claim religious persecution.
Because their beliefs don’t allow their daughter to get vaccinations (but it does allow them to sue the church).
I’m going to have to side with the Archdiocese on this one.
Eyew.
Page 24 is a full-page response to page 15 from Time Warner Cable.
They say Rupert wants “massive price increases” on all of the FOX channels. But here’s something that I find fascinating: the list of channels “at risk in your area” contains WNYW, WWOR, FX, Fuel, Speed Channel, Fox Reality Channel, Fox Soccer Channel and Fox Sports en Español.
Have you noticed what isn’t on the list? That’s right: Fox News Channel and Fox Business Channel.
Muy interesante.
Big ups to the Post for running the ad regardless.
The city says it’s going to overhaul the way blood tests are given to suspected DUI/DWI drivers.
I’ll believe it when I see it.
Michelle Malkin-Picasso complains about how Democrats are accepting “sleazy bribes and pork payoffs” but admits that this practice “didn’t start with their health-care-takeover bill.”
“Go back to January and February.”
Because, as we all know, THAT’S when the practice began.
Get in Cindy’s box, uggles. And bring all of your Halliburton stock.
“MOVIES DON’T GET ANY FUNNIER THAN THIS! Smart, sophisticated and hilarious.”
That’s Pete Hammond on It’s Complicated.
And Francine Brokaw (of Family Magazine Group) calls Alvin and the Chimpmunks: The Squeakquel “THE PERFECT FAMILY HOLIDAY COMEDY.”
Thanks for the tips, shills!
According to Swiss researchers, men who don’t confront bosses who mistreat them double their risk of a heart attack.
And that those who do confront their bosses increase their chances of being fired by 95-100%.
The Post’s 10 BEST TEAMS OF THE DECADE ranks the 2000 Mets at #10, the 2003 Yankees at #7, the 2001 Yankees at #6, the 2000 Yankees at #5 and the 2009 Yankees at #2. The 2007 Giants got #1.
Recount!
OMG! Did one of the women on this season of The Bachelor fool around with one of the show’s crew members? Yes! Will this get me interested enough to watch The Bachelor? No!
“The episode where the hanky-packy is revealed is set to air in late January, according to reports.”
Wait. There’s hanky-packy? NOW I’m interested!
What’s on MTV tonight? Music! Music! Music!
At 7:00, it’s Jersey Shore! At 8:00 and 8:30, it’s South Park! Then at 9:00, it’s the Cage/Jolie flick Gone in 60 Seconds! Followed by Gone in 60 Seconds at 11:30!
So! Much! Music!
Part Two will begin being writ… now.
Our plane was the last on-time flight to depart before the blizzy.
And the Nets lost again!
And I have better things to do than read the Post!
Happy holidays!
Well, our vacation is set to begin at around 5:30 tonight. Our flight is tomorrow afternoon. During an alleged blizzard.
I checked into switching flights with one leaving today/tonight… the cheapest penalty would be $1200 (give or take) and most flights include stop-overs that would expand the travel time (in hours) well into the double digits. So, for the chance to wander the Seattle airport for 5 hours tonight, I would only need to pony up another $2100.
I can’t imagine why the airlines are always in financial trouble and loathed by their customers…
On top of that, Teresa’s health is wonky (nothing too severe, but still wildly unpleasant).
And it’s freezing. And I still have no internet at home (but Time Warner’s a-comin’ on the 28th!).
Quite frankly, I’m OK with spending some time in the airport tomorrow afternoon. I’ll get to watch people yell at each other (and maybe even a movie or two on my trusty laptop with Teresa). Better that than tripling the cost of our flight.
2009 has proven to be a jerk. I sincerely hope that 2010 brings us some good news. Otherwise, I’m going to have to start selling crack…
…erjacks at CitiField.
Since I have mad chores to do, yo, I’m-a try to do this quick-like. Here we go.
Tiger plays golf — at night! I can’t wait to read more about this on page 5!
The other cover story is WEST SIDE GORY, which (despite being horribly tragic) has an incredibly amusing twist: Hector Quinones, 44, fatally shot Carlos Rodriguez Jr., 24, and Carlos Rodriguez Sr., 52. Then he stabbed Carlos Sr.’s father, Fernando Gonzalez, 87, to death. Then Gisela Rodriguez, 49, and her daughter, Leyanis, 28, entered the apartment and saw what was going on. Quinones shot Gisela (grazing her head) and chased Leyanis, but tripped over his baggy pants. Gisela managed to call for help and Quinones tried to flee down the fire escape.
He again tripped over his baggy pants and fell three stories to his death.
Between this story and the yutz whose gun jammed because he was holding it all cool-like, it looks like rap culture supports Darwin’s theories.
Page 5 marks the first time in seemingly forever that the Post’s Tiger Woods coverage is limited to one page (in addition to the front page). Tiger’s lonely days of cereal, ‘toons — and night golf begins, “After all that time cavorting with an endless stream of floozies, Tiger Woods is now just a sad lone wolf.”
The Post continues to float the idea that Woods is self-destructive and profoundly depressed… while continuing to put crap like this on their front page. Hypocritastic!
Hugo Chavez spoke at Copenhagen, therefore global warming is some farcicalscam concocted to make Al Gore rich.
Bill Clinton says about health-care reform, “Allowing this effort to fall short now would be a colossal blunder.”
As much as it kills me to admit it, I kind of agree. Even though the current bill is awful.
Shellie Ross loves Twitter. A lot. She has 5,000 subscribers to her Twitter feed. Here’s what her Monday Twatting looked like:
@ 5:23 p.m.: Fog is rolling in thick scared the birds back in the coop
@ 6:12 p.m.: Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool (tweeted from emergency room)
@ 8:08 p.m.: Remembering my million dollar baby
Twitter allows you to follow the drowning death of a 2-year-old in real time! What a time to be alive!
The former personal assistant of Keenan Ivory Wayans, Marlon Wayans and Shawn Wayans (Jared Edwards) claims that the three brothers (I’m not being racist — they are, in fact, brothers) stole his manuscript (You Know You’re a Golddigger When…) and turned it into 101 Ways to Know You’re a Golddigger, which they took all the credit for (after insisting to Edwards that his book had no chance of being published).
That’s a low-down dirty shame.
Congratulations, James Bain, 54! You’re out of jail after 35 years! For a crime that you didn’t commit!
“No, I’m not angry,” Bain told the press. “Because I’ve got God.”
God took his sweet-ass time, though, didn’t he?
Good thing the world hasn’t changed too much since 1974.
The only people dumber than Sarah Palin are those who take her at her word(s).
On the McCain visor she wore recently (which had McCain’s name blacked out with a Sharpie), she explains that she was merely trying “to be incognito.” She also said, “I am so sorry if people took this silly incident the wrong way. I adore John McCain, support him 100 percent and will do everything I can to support his re-election. As everyone knows, I was honored and proud to run with him. And Todd and I were with him in DC just a week ago. So much for trying to be incognito.”
1) Someone please attempt to teach her what “incognito” means.
2) The easiest way to support McCain’s re-election is for Palin to shut the fuck up.
3) You betcha.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck asked Stanley Tucci if his wife saw The Lovely Bones. Tucci’s wife died last May.
Hasselbeck is the White Sherri Shepherd.
Michael Lohan was thrown in jail for violating a restraining order against him. Three days later, Erin Muller (who had the restraining order placed against him) turned herself in to the police for “kicking Lohan in the head.”
Thanks, Page Six (today on page 25)!
Is one of the Jonas Brothers getting married tomorrow?
Sure, why not.
Cindy Adams defies the natural order of things by continuing to breathe.
The Melt Bar & Grilled (a restaurant in Lakewood, Ohio restaurant that specializes in grilled-cheese sandwiches) is offering a lifetime 25% discount to anyone that gets a tattoo of a grilled-cheese sandwich.
It’s worth noting that, if you buy butter, bread and cheese and cook it at home, you’ll get a 90% discount.
A Chinese police captain has been suspended.
One of his off-duty officers died by choking to death on his own vomit during a bachelor party.
The captain attempted to declare the officer a “martyr” who died in the line of duty (allowing his family better benefits).
The captain is expected to be found guilty of compassion and sentenced to die by firing squad. His family will be billed for the bullets.
Jacob Gershman expects me to believe that Paterson can defeat Cuomo.
He’s not very smart.
Ralph Peters insists that CyperPeace Is Not Russia’s Goal (I think he meant CyberPeace, but you can never tell with this buffoon).
He’s also not very smart. Or young.
The editorial More Lies From the Loon laughs at Al Gore, calling him “Goofy Gore” (which proves that global warming is all a sham).
Eight (8) people wrote in to hate on Chuck Schumer because he said “bitch.”
Good thing nothing else is going on in the world.
Bill O’Reilly gives us Partying With the Prez.
“This year, I was lucky enough to get an invitation to the White House media holiday party, which would’ve been called a Christmas party if U.S. Grant were still president.”
And Obama would have been killed for looking at a White woman. Good times, Bill. Good times.
B’also, what did Bush call the media holiday party?
And happy holidays to you and your loofah!
Citigroup is now at $3.20 a share.
Movie reviews!
Lou Lumenick gives Nine one and a half stars (“Looks: 3, music: 2, script: 1″).
Kyle Smith gives Did You Hear About the Morgans? three stars (“Veddy amusing.”) and The Young Victoria three stars (“Vixen Victoria.”).
Sadly, there are no new Pete Hammond blurbs.
The Nets have a “game” tonight. Will they become 2-25?
Probably!
Curtis Granderson is a New York Yankee.
Nick Johnson is on the verge of following suit (one year for $5,500,000 — that’s $500,000 less than the Angels gave Matsui).
A-Rod’s MRI came back and he doesn’t need any more surgery. Now we just need to get him back together with Kate Hudson…
The Real World is heading back to New Orleans (2000’s Season 9 was set there).
This is in direct response to the citizen who looked at all the destruction Katrina caused and asked “How could it possibly get worse?”
Linda Stasi declares that “[the] Kardashians are [the] new Osbournes.”
If you say so, crazy lady.
Ashton Kutcher is putting the five completed episodes of Mischa Barton’s The Beautiful Life on YouTube (only 2 of them ever aired).
Why stop there? Break them up into Twitter posts!
OK. I have no idea what the next week and change will be like writing-wise. Will I find the Post in Brentwood? Possibly. Will I want to spend hours writing when it’s sunny out? Prolly not. But who knows?
I know I’ll have something to say (many somethings, most likely) before the new year, so this isn’t a good-bye.
It’s a Happy Holidays and a See ya ’round.
Until next time, peeps, I bid you adieu.
And encourage you to pray for a lack of snow tomorrow.
How’s that for some good news on a freezing Thursday morn? Also un-greenlit was a remake of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. Christmas has come 8 days early (what am I saying — it’s Hollywood! Happy Hanukkah!).
That’s it for the good news. Now comes the bad.
It’s a train wreck
* No free student rides * Subway lines dropped * Bus hours shortened * 700 jobs slashed
Subways: No more W and Z lines; the G will end its run at Court Square (at all times); the M will end its run at Broad Street (at all times); wait times for “letter” subways on weekends will increase to 10 minutes (at least); wait times on overnight trains will increase to 30 minutes (at least); an estimated 18 more people are expected in each subway car.
Buses: Say goodbye to the B23, B25, B37, B39, B51, B75, Bx4, Bx14, Bx20, Bx34, M6, M8, M10, M18, M27, M30m, Q26, Q56, Q74, Q75, Q84, X32, and X25. Say goodbye to weekend service for the B2, B4, B7, B16, B24, B48, B57, B65, B69, B71, Bx8, Bx18, Bx30, Bx33, M21, M22, M50, Q14, Q31, Q76, Q79, S42, S54, S57, S60, S76, X27, and X28. And say hello to reduced hours of operation for 47 bus routes (including the B67, B69 and B77, all of which we use).
There are more cuts and reductions — MetroNorth and the LIRR will have service reductions.
As for the 700 layoffs, it reminds me of that joke about the 500 lawyers buried under the sea.
I hate the MTA. Passionately.
But you didn’t think that was the ONLY front-page story, did you? No, the MTA story (whose follow-up is on page 
is only 40% of the cover. The other 60%?
TOP DOG!
Tiger named athlete of the decade (and he golfed, too)
The Associated Press named Mr. Woods the Athlete of the Decade. And the Post decided that, especially now that Woods is in a suicidal funk, this was the best way to “report” that. The follow-up (on pages 6 and 7) also informs us that Woods liked to play blackjack (according to one of his numerous/voluminous mistresses) and that (according to his high school sweetheart, Dina Parr) Woods knew about his father’s affairs and that “that was the one thing about his dad that he could never get over.”
Oh, and the divorce is imminent and Elin wants $500,000,000.
Your thoughts, Kyle?
Page 3 recently had a topless Rihanna. Today, it’s Sarah Palin (thankfully not topless).
She’s wearing a navy blue visor with the McCain campaign logo on it. Which she blacked out with a Sharpie.
What a (freakishly ungrateful) maverick!
Look out, America! She’s still going rogue! You betcha! Death panels! Birth certificate! Thanks… but no thanks (but actually, thanks)!
Roy Disney, 79, has died.
The news that Wild Hogs 2 wasn’t being made was the last straw.
(it was that and stomach cancer)
Poster Boy, aka Henry Matyjewicz (the guy who was slicing up ads in subway stations and turning them into hilarious works of subversive art) cut a deal with the DA — 210 hours of community service.
I miss his work(s).
Senators Chuck Schumer and Kirsten Gillibrand were asked to turn off their cell phones so that the plane they was on could take off, but they ignored the stewardess (“according to a House Republican aide who was seated nearby”). The stewardess asked them to please comply with FAA rules and the Senators got off their phones. Then Schumer called her a “bitch.”
He has since apologized and the stewardess has accepted his apology.
Schumer does New York a lot of good, but he’s also (like just about every other politician ever) a pompous asshole.
Speak of the devil!
Senator Tom Coburn (guess which party he belongs to) insisted that a 767-page amendment to the health-care proposal be read out loud.
Three hours and 139 pages later, the amendment’s sponsor, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-Vermont) withdrew it.
The amendment called for adding a government-run health-care system to any bill put forward.
That scene in Mars Attacks when the Martians kill everyone in Congress? That’s pornography to me now. That’s what arouses me. Thanks, Washington.
John McCain’s charmingly stupid daughter Meghan loves that Twitter thingy. Yesterday, she offered this to the people stupid enough to care what she has to say about anything: “I just put a half a bottle of Drano down it and the Drano is foaming and not going down … I am unclear about how to use Drano. I can’t even begin to think about snaking something or plunging. I think I may have messed up my bath.”
If only there were instructions on the back of the bottle…
Frances Bean Cobain, 17, has filed a restraining order against… Courtney Love.
And how did Love react? Here’s one of her many rambly coo-coo Facebook posts: “I hate to sound cold, but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position.”
I understand, Kurt. I really do.
EXCLUSIVE
Brad “I Punched A ‘Woman’ In The Face On The TV!” Ferro tells the Post (exclusively!) that “he was so knocked out on booze that he has no memory of his loutish conduct.”
“I couldn’t believe that I’d ever do anything like that. I was raised to act in a respectful manner to women,” said the guy who punched one in the face.
His attorney said, “I think Brad should be given a second chance to show he is a person of much higher character than has been shown on this video.”
I agree and hope he gets his old job back, too. I mean, it’s not like he punched a woman — as hard as he could — in the face.
Mandrea!
She says that Diane Sawyer will fail miserably in her new gig as anchor of ABC’s World News (ABC dyin’ with Diane), demands that Chuck Schumer “not be permitted to fly on the taxpayer dime” (Ground Chuck!), hates on the Health Department for their anti-soda ads (ACTING POUND-FOOLISH) and mocks the folks who protested the “Botax” in Times Square recently (Saving face-lifts).
I’m glad she smokes. I wish she smoked more.
Nancy Pelosi and a “large delegation” are taking one (possibly two!) Air Force jets to Copenhagen for the climate summit.
Therefore, they are hypocrites.
Therefore, global warming is a farce.
Well played, horrible newspaper.
“The film Nine lived up to its title. Tuesday’s premiere was set for 7:30. And when did Nine actually start? Just before 9. My outfit was out of style before it finally began.”
Cindy Adams, ladies and gentlemen.
Ziad Tayeh has been cleared of all charges.
His exoneration came after four (4) hours of jury deliberation.
The system works.
Baggage handlers and check-n staff at Heathrow and Aberdeen airports are now on strike, joining the British Airways cabin crews.
Hope no one I like planned on going to or leaving England any time soon…
First there was 212. Then came 718. Then 347 (and 917 for cell phones).
A fourth (fifth if you count 917) area code (as yet undetermined) will be introduced in mid-2012.
Beat that, Akron!
Remember that scary Phillies fan who tried to trade her nasty ass (literally) for some World Series tickets? Charges against her have been upgraded from promoting prostitution to outright prostitution.
Philadelphia, ladies and gentlemen. America’s shame.
So many letters about how right Ralph Peters is and how full of shit Al Gore is.
America, ladies and gentlemen. America’s shame.
Citigroup is down to $3.45 a share.
Is Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Head Vodka really that good? Or are people paying $50 for the skull-shaped bottle?
The Nets… lose! Again!
2-24! That’s 0.077%!
Hot garbage!
The Mets just might be adding a fifth year to their offer to Jason Bay (making it $75,000,000). They may also keep the contract at four years, but offer him $75,000,000 anyway.
And if Bay has never heard of the New York Mets, he might just take it.
What did Hideki Matsui get from the LAAoA?
$6,000,000 for one year.
I wonder what they would have offered him if he wasn’t the 2009 World Series MVP.
Godspeed, Gojira.
Is Nick Johnson coming back to the Yankees? Possibly!
If so, Johnny Damon is as good as gone (which I think he already is).
Bravo issued an online survey yesterday where people were asked to “agree” or “disagree” with various statements about the Salahis. An example: “If a network gave them their own reality show, it would negatively influence my opinion of that network.”
I disagree only because I couldn’t possibly have a more negative opinion of Bravo.
Other statements folks were asked to choose sides on were, “They would make great ‘love to hate’ characters on a reality show” and “Featuring this couple on a reality show would be rewarding their actions” and “Michaele Salahi is great eye candy.”
Congratulations, Bravo. You are the scummiest network on TV (including that new pay-channel co-owned by Spice and NAMBLA).
Michael Starr forgoes his “column” to pen a shocking exposé: This will be the last season of American Idol.
How does he know this? Because Simon Cowell says this is his last season as an Idol judge and that he’ll move to the American version of his The X Factor in 2011.
Cowell is paid $35,000,000 for each tedious season of Idol he suffers through, but he owns The X Factor (which would mean a lot more money… unless people are tired of watching national talent shows… naaaaah).
What I find odd is that between now and 2011, American Idol will have 7 seasons (or so it seems). Why can’t Simon feign interest for one more year?
The 2009 World Magic Awards are on Channel 9 tonight at 8:00… or are they?
Me and the Mrs. are going on holiday starting Saturday.
I’ll write tomorrow, but after that I make no promises.
Happy holidays to you all.
Oh! And even though I will be on the other side of the country, Dog Court is re-defending their title at the Magnet Inferno Sunday night at 9:30. It’s $5 and lots of fun. Please to support these guys. They’re worth your time.
And now, I must away into the freezing cold and return home to cook dinner at call Time Warner. Again.
G’day!
Is Tiger Woods on the cover of today’s paper? Well, of course. But today it’s a Post EXCLUSIVE (are you sitting down?): OUTTA HERE! Tiger’s wife taking kids and leaving lair (which is weird because I thought they lived in a mansion). The 2-page follow-up (on pages 4 and 5) has a photo of moving vans parked outside the Woods estate yesterday and a claim (made by “a source”) that Elin would have already taken the kids but one of them had the flu. He’s better now and she’ll be gone “by Christmas.”
There’s much, much more but I can’t bring myself to care.
The other front-page story? Lou Lumenick gave Avatar three and a half stars.
Your thoughts, Kyle?
Kate Hudson appears to have broken up with A-Rod (page 3 news!), which means we may have Chokey McGee back next season.
Washington, D.C.’s City Council voted to approve same-sex marriages in an 11-2 vote.
When the city that (re-)elected a crackhead mayor behaves more intelligently than most of the rest of the country, it almost makes sense that Sarah Palin has a best-selling “book.”
Barry Williams, 55 (TV’s Greg Brady), has been granted a restraining order against a “violent” ex-girlfriend, Elizabeth Kennedy, 30. She now has to move out of their old apartment. The couple’s problems began (when she saw his old man balls, b’also) when she lost a beauty contest in August and threatened to kill herself and Williams.
That reminds me — is Peter still married to the woman who was alleged to be America’s Next Top Model?
Charles Dickens’ gold and ivory — and engraved with the author’s initials — toothpick was sold at auction for $9,150.
On the one hand, it’s a great conversation piece. On the other, that conversation quickly becomes, “Are you retarded? No, seriously, you’re retarded, right?”
Michael Goodwin is a master of puns that almost require him to write “Huh? Huh?” after them. Barack has no deaf-ense for a tin ear (Huh? Huh?) accuses the POTUS of having a “tin ear for the mood of the country. He often appears clueless about what Americans want.”
And by Americans, he means Michael Goodwin.
Andrew Cuomo (and the judge who granted the injuction) has ordered all of those UHO folks (the change-seeking beggars with the giant water cooler jugs) to get off the streets.
If you see any UHO folks outside today, call (212) 416-6119. Then sit back and watch your tax dollars at work.
Vladimir Putin, 57, is the father of a son birthed by Alina Kabaeva, 26. She’s the most decorated gymnast in history, Putin’s possible fiancé, and half-Muslim.
Did you know that there are 30,000,000 Muslims in Russia? Well, there are. And having a half-Muslim first lady might be a wise move.
Not that Putin needs to worry about getting votes (it’s still Russia).
Morgan Spurlock believes that Harvey Weinstein was wholly responsible for the failure of Spurlock’s 2008 documentary, Where in the World Is Osama bin Laden? (because Weinstein booked the film on very few screens and spent less on promoting the film than he did on pants with non-elastic waists).
Kyle Smith asked Spurlock why Weinstein would sabotage his own movie and Spurlock’s (alleged) response was, “I just think it tested so high… why would he buy a clothing company?”
Touché.
Jessica Simpson went to see her sister “perform” in Chicago on Broadway and asked someone in the lobby where she could get popcorn.
Stupidity is the new black.
Cindy Adams still isn’t dead.
Oral Roberts, on the other hand, is.
I wonder if Hell is as he imagined it.
A 2-page spread explains that, because Robert Mugabe is an “honored guest” at the climate summit, the entire thing is “really a sham.”
Good to know.
Oh, man. I wish I could hear the labored explanation(s) to the passengers that this wasn’t part of the show.
A murder-mystery dinner theater train ride in Florida hit a snag.
And by snag, I mean a man lying on the train tracks.
For $75, passengers were promised a five-course dinner, a scenic train ride and some dinner theater.
As a bonus, they became accomplices to murder.
As an early holiday present, I won’t tell you what Mr. Peters has to say today. You’re welcome.
And speaking of the holidays. if you’re able to grab a copy of today’s Post, it’s worth the $0.50 for no other reason than page 55.
It’s a full-page ad for Bill O’Reilly’s year-old memoir, A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity. And the headline at the top of the ad?
Give something bold and fresh this holiday season.
I guess we know what side Broadway Books is taking in the War on Christmas.
Happy holidays, Bill!
Citigroup is down to $3.56 a share.
Michael Riedel tells us that the next Broadway musical based on a non-musical film might just be… Elf?!?
Maybe my musical adaptation of Look Who’s Still Talking Even Now! might have legs…
The Nets… lose! Again! 2-23!
Do it again, tonight, boys!
Paul Schwartz explains “How Jints will make playoffs” in Joining the ‘in crowd.
Please stop teasing my father, Paul.
(Jints = NY Giants)
Michael Starr warns his readers: “Clicking on your holiday greeting is 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.”
It takes him 30 seconds to click on something? Maybe someone should get him some glasses (or DSL) for the holidays.
Fair and balanced reporting about a FOX TV show: “Fox’s Glee danced off with three Golden Globe nominations yesterday, cementing its status as one of the season’s hottest shows.”
So now getting nominated for some Golden Globes is proof that your show/movie is hot? Really?
I wish I had a copy of this.
Until tomorrow, kids, try to stay warm.
* The following post may not actually be highly enjoyable. Some restrictions apply.
Had some early morning chores to do today (replace incorrect prescription for Teresa that wouldn’t have been incorrect if I had been clearer with the pharmacist; go to doctor on the UES and get blood drawn; buy sneakers that don’t smell like sour cream and onion potato chips) and only got to my new wi-fi safe-zone at 2:00 p.m.
Luckily, Teresa is getting her hair did tonight so I can take my time cooking dinner (which will require buying a teeny amount of food). More luckily, I waited an hour at the doctor’s office so I had time to read the Post and make copious notes.
Here, then, are those notes (comedically re-imagined).
Who’s on the cover gang? Is it Tiger Woods? NO!
It’s his wife (pumping gas at some kind of a station where one would pump gas… I think they’re called “the bus that couldn’t slow down”). But the headline is TIGER’S AGONY (along with EXCLUSIVE ‘He’s only just coping — he’s on the edge.’), which makes me think that the implication is that Elin is Tiger’s agony.
The full-page photo’s caption indicates that “fears grow that Tiger Woods is at the end of his rope.”
This lays the groundwork for more thoughtful reporting — in the event that the two weeks of front-page stories about all of his various skanks and floozies causes him to kill himself.
The 2-page follow-up (SCAREDY TIGER NOW ‘ON EDGE’ on pages 6-7) claims that Elin “is refusing to speak to him” and that “the two are now definitely living apart.”
B’also? Extra-marital hoochie mama #14 has been identified as “cougar Theresa Rogers, a busty, blond, 48-year-old mom and fitness nut from Wellington, Fla.”
How does today’s cover strike you, Kyle Smith? Too tabloidy?
Page 2 is a full-page ad for Coach leatherware.
Page 3 is (primarily) a topless photo of Rihanna (and a sidebar about the new app “NYC Broken Meters,” which will let you know where you can park for free!).
Kyle? Your thoughts?
Page 4 is a full-page ad for Macy’s.
So is page 8.
And pages 10, 11, 12, and 13. And 16 and 17.
Page 22 has a quarter-page Macy’s ad.
Pages 26 and 27 are full-page Macy’s ads. So is page 36. And page 41.
By page 20, there were 8 full pages of Macy’s ads (and a few other full-page ads), which I paid $0.50 for.
To me, that’s like commercials before a movie.
In addition to all those horrible things that the MTA is going to do next year, add the cutting of service to 24 bus routes (on top of the elimination of 25 bus routes). And the G and M lines will “shorten” (as the W and Z go away forever). And the door-to-door paratransit for the handicapped? Now they’ll get dropped off at the nearest subway or bus stop.
All of these things will be put to a full board vote tomorrow.
I hate the MTA.
Ted Estarija of Hayward, California added his 13-year-old son to his cell phone plan.
His son downloaded 1,400,000 kilobytes of data. Estarija was charged for this by Verizon — by the megabyte.
His bill for the month? $21,917.
Verizon has since waived the entire charge. And Estarija has removed his son from his calling plan.
Estarija’s foot, however, remains lodged in his son’s ass.
Page 9 is a full-page “article” (50% of which is photos) about KATE’S AB-ULOUS WORKOUT. That’s right, Kate Hudson was in a gym working out (and here’s the proof!). In the first nine pages today, we have 3 full-page ads, 3 pages of Tiger Woods and his floozies (including his first cougar!), Rihanna’s breasts and a page on Kate Hudson’s workout (and the next four pages are Macy’s ads).
Kyle? Your thoughts?
Last month, Cuomo was leading Paterson in the polls 75% to 16%.
This month, it’s 67% to 23%.
At this rate, Paterson might win (if the election were held in 3014).
…and the Democrats once again give in to Joe Lieberman, gaining them… nothing. And costing Americans… pretty much everything they want.
Fuck you, Joe. But more importantly, fuck all of the bipartisanship-seeking Dems who brought us to this point.
Throw away my voter’s registration, Uncle Sam. I’m done.
Charles Hurt criticizes the Dems and their seemingly futile attempts to get health-care reform (“All they care about is a victory so that they can claim to have accomplished something.”).
Ironically, I thought the title of his piece referred to Lieberman (Just win, baby! [Even if the people lose]).
Putz.
Kenny Ortega recently backed out as director of the Footloose remake, due to “reported differences with Paramount Pictures.”
I am inconsolable.
Fun fact: The character that Alan Arkin plays in The Private Lives of Pippa Lee is based on the director/writer’s father. That director/writer is Mrs. Daniel Day-Lewis, Rebecca Miller. Her father was Arthur Miller.
And you will most likely never see The Private Lives of Pippa Lee.
Cindy Adams says that “the sports world” is “muttering about Tiger Woods: ‘We’re hearing Ambien, Vicodin, alcohol.’” Who is she quoting? The sports world.
She later adds (apropos of nothing), “Note to athletes worldwide: Be careful if you enter your hotel room and your ladyfriend turns down your bed and you learn it’s the first thing she’s turned down in years.”
It’s such a comfortable box, Cindy. I promise.
Get in.
To the makers of Bumpits:
I know you call them “Bump-Its” but the box says Bumpits. Which is why I will always refer to them as Bum Pits.
Sincerely,
Jed Resnik
Turns out the star witness in the falafel-murder case lied.
The new version has the victim pushing the murderer before the murderer murdered the victim.
I still believe the murderer will go to prison. For murder.
The $16 statue that was used to bloody up Berlusconi’s face? Almost completely sold out in Milan.
Hilarious.
A man in Tyler, Texas called police to tell them someone had broken into his house by kicking in the front door. The police arrived and found the 25-year-old intruder.
He was in the tub.
Nice try, Texas, but South Carolina is still America’s dumbest state.
In a follow-up to the story of that guy who punched “Snooki”on Jersey Shore, the Post reports, “Ferro was found guilty of assault, fined $500 and sent to anger-management class.”
Two sentences later, “He has since been found guilty of the simple assault charge.”
There was only ever the one charge. This is a horrible newspaper.
Readers write in to complain about Ashley Dupre’s new gig. Maria Moreira calls it “absurd” and “hypocritical” and says it makes “an abominable statement about young women in our country.” Jane Rohr complains that Dupre is “being rewarded for her salacious behavior.” Kathy Callahan is “not amused.” Louis Pioli quips, “Next you can hire a burglar to advise people on how to break into apartments.” Marlene Sable calls Dupre “an amoral laughingstock and an affront to women.”
No one seems to like her.
Poor whore.
Citigroup is back down to $3.70 a share.
Lou Lumenick spoke to an Oscar campaign consultant who claims that, in protest of the expansion of the Best Picture category to 10 nominees, many Academy members “are talking about only filling in the first five spots.”
If this is true, then here is my humble plea to all of my friends in the entertainment industry: Put World’s Greatest Dad on the ballot. I know it has no chance of winning, but if the Academy is going to choose the 10 films with the most votes — and many will only be nominating five films — then it might actually make the cut.
Please.
Is this the worst idea ever?
The Provocateur cafe/nightclub is selling $22 cocktails. Why so pricey? Because they contain Borba cosmetics.
You read that correctly. “The beautifying crystals are mixed into the drinks.”
Why settle for just eating gold (at Serendipity 3 and elsewhere) when you can drink expensive cosmetics, too?
Christophe Waltz won the Best Supporting Actor award from both the New York Film Critics Circle and the Los Angeles Film Critics Association.
He will also represent Inglourious Basterds‘ only win at this year’s Oscars.
The Nets (2-22) “play” tonight against Cleveland (17-7) .
Tomorrow, they “play” Utah (14-10).
Go, Nets!
According to “several sources,” Hideki Matsui is going to be reunited with Bobby Abreu next year.
He’s taking a one-year/$6,500,000 contract with the LAAoA. Assuming he passes his physical.
If this is true, I’m very sad. I really like Matsui. But he wants to play the outfield and we have an embarrassment of outfielders (although, if Damon’s going, too, then we’ll be just about right).
Thanks for the many years of great work, Hideki. Good luck in whatever city the Angels play in.
Cliff Lee is going to the Mariners?
Roy Halladay is going to the Phillies?
John Lackey is going to the Red Sox?
So many trades! And the Yankees had no part of them (besides Granderson, of course).
But the off-season is still young…
Linda Stasi recommends Better Off Ted, but warns viewers, “Do not wear a white sweater while watching it and drinking Diet Coke like I did.”
Poor Linda Stasi.
The Top Comedy Episodes of 2000-20009 (according to the number of viewers) is a list that makes me nauseous.
#10 is the only one I saw — The Carol Burnett Show reunion. #7 is Michael J. Fox’s last episode of Spin City. #5 is the last episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. #4 is the episode of Frasier where Niles tells Daphne he loves her (actually, I think I saw this one, too).
The other spots on the list (#9, 8, 6, 3, 2 and 1) are all episodes of Friends.
Nicely done, America.
Tonight is Gordon Ramsay’s Cookalong Live (or, if you’re going by the Post’s TV listings, Gordon Ramsey’s Cookalong Live). If you follow along, you’ll have a delicious 3-course dinner to enjoy with your family once the show is over.
At 10:00 p.m.
And that, as McGarnagle would say, is the end of that chapter.
I called Time Warner three times yesterday and their phone was busy every time. So… I guess I’ll be back here tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, and have a lovely evening.
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