Archive for December 1st, 2009

Yawn.

1st December
2009
written by jed

I can’t wake up. My eyelids are heavy, my head is throbbing and the prospect of eating another egg makes me mildly nauseous. I checked HuffPo and watched the Salahis being interviewed by Matt Lauer (they insist they were totes invited to the state dinner, natch). Other things I learned: The New York Post is being sued by another former employee (Austin Fenner, who is Black) for engaging in “racially-motivated news coverage” and for “routinely humiliating” and openly (and frequently) “cursing at” Fenner (not to mention firing him on the day the other person sued them for similar racist charges); Romania’s president punched a 10-year-old boy in the face (I watched it!); the epigram to chapter 3 of “Sarah Palin’s” “book” is credited to UCLA basketball coach John Wooden when it was actually a quote by Native American activist John Wooden Legs (you betcha!); the first gay marriage in Argentina has been put on hold by a judge (until, she says, the Supreme Court can weigh in); 75% of the stimulus remains unspent (but if you tell people that the full amount has been spent, then it makes it easier to say it didn’t work, right, GOP?); Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wy.) objects to Harry Reid’s proposal to post online all health-care bill amendments; a bunch of bouncers at Jay-Z’s 40/40 Club beating up two people outside the club (I watched it!); and Bill O’Reilly told Mike Huckabee that the actions of the guy he pardoned (who went on to rape and molest his 12-year-old relative and kill four cops) “wasn’t your fault.” By the way, Bill, it wasn’t a 60-year sentence that Mike commuted. It was a 108-year sentence. Still think it was too harsh, Mr. The World Is 3,000 Years Old?

And now, the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson.

The Post has an EXCLUSIVE on the front page today (TIGER & ME) that promises Beautiful ‘other woman’ reveals the truth about her relationship with sports’ biggest star, while the introduction to the 2-page follow-up claims that it contains “sensational details about the rumors.” Well, the article begins, “‘This is ridiculous. Not a word of it is true,’ Rachel Uchitel told the Post.”

The other two pages of EXCLUSIVE are even less sensational (unless you consider Uchitel claiming that one of the two sources of the rumor once got 3,000 euros to have sex with someone but the guy got his money back after after two minutes because the woman passed out from Quaaludes “sensational”).

Stop, the presses.

Current 2012 GOP frontrunners for the presidency (according to a Washington Post-ABC poll):

Mitt Romney: 9%

Mike Huckabee: 10%

“Some other unnamed contender”: 15%

Sarah Palin: 17%

Undecided: 40%

Page 6 is an ad for Page Six (which is never on page 6) and their glossy magazine which will be inserted into Thursday’s paper. Padma Lakshmi is on the cover! She used to sleep with Salman Rushdie! On purpose!

For the seven-day period ending last Sunday at midnight, New York City had 36 shootings with 45 victims (9 of whom were fatalities).

The three bridges rated worst in the state? The Tappan Zee, the Kosciuszko and the Goethals.

But don’t worry. “All three bridges are up for reconstruction in the next decade.”

Oh no! Roman Polanski is still in jail!

Is he having trouble coming up with the $4,500,000 bail? Maybe all those Hollywood assholes who signed that petition will help.

Unless they’re afraid that Polanski will skip bail. But why would they think that?

Cindy Adams is risen.

Cindy talks (a lot) about Rachel Uchitel and how much she knows about her life and family, but doesn’t actually weigh in on whether or not she thinks there’s any merit to the rumors. “Sports people say sexting is like skywriting.” is as close to an opinion as we get. What we do get, though, is a list of horrible things that happened to her on Thanksgiving, which includes:

“2) To take time off, my housekeeper prepared a sandwich for me. What looked like a caraway seed then moved. It was an ant.

3) She also prepped the coffee machine so I had ony to turn it on. I turned it on. It was too hot, and my lip now has a throbbing blister.

4) My front door’s identifying marker fell off by itself, leaving holes and marred paint on the outside.

6) The clock on my kitchen wall stopped dead.”

Please follow suit.

ACORN set out to defeat GOP pols: memo is chock full of indignation and implied nefariousness.

Until you get to paragraph five which begins, “Politicking by ACORN itself is legal…”

…except they do it for the wrong party.

Oh, the MTA. Is there nothing you can do?

Since they decided that human beings don’t need to physically be in stations to assist commuters, they’ve been posting billboards on the booths that used to be manned. The billboards point to an intercom that straphangers can use in case of an emergency, “but the arrows are often wide of their mark. Some point to random spaces on the booth or even the floor.”

“Jed, you can stop standing on his throat. He’s dead.”

“No.”

Remember when the Sharpton ladies got arrested? Well, Fat Al’s daughter (according to prosecutors) told police “I have a play to go to — this is fucking bullshit!” And her mother allegedly yelled at police, “Why the fuck are you locking her up? Get your fucking hands off her!”

Everyone in the Sharpton family is classy!

O’s Window Dressing by Regurgitant Phalluses (sorry, Ralph Peters) rips apart Obama’s speech on Afghanistan. Which Obama is scheduled to give… tonight.

“Dig beneath the fancy bow, ribbons and gift wrap to find out if anything’s in Obama’s box. You’ll find this strategic gift is half bicycle, half pony — and charged to your account.”

Not sure what he’s talking about, but I do know that he’s an idiot.

I thoroughly enjoyed the novel The Chocolate War. I also loved the movie based on it.

And yet, I can’t seem to make myself care about the Kraft/Hershey’s/Cadbury battle.

I blame Atkins.

Since November 6th, Motorola has sold 800,000 Droid phones.

If you own one, you know why.

Last week, Jim Cramer said he was in favor of a tax on stock trading, in order to pay down the national debt.

Yesterday, Jim Cramer told MSNBC, “I am against the trader tax. I don’t want this tax because it will discourage people from coming back into the market.”

Yutz.

Are you. Fucking. Kidding me?

And I thought the Tauntaun sleeping bag was amazing…

Scott Boras says that there are plenty of teams who would love to sign his client, Johnny Damon, to a muliple-year contract.

Thanks again, Johnny. Good luck wherever you wind up.

Joel Sherman whines that Alex Rodriguez deserves the award for Sportsman of the Year more than Derek Jeter.

Shut up, Joel.

New York Giant Justin Tuck insists that his team will make this year’s playoffs.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan insists that his team will make this year’s playoffs.

I insist that they are both wrong.

Chip Caray will no longer be doing baseball commentary on TBS (or whatever you’d call what he was doing in that booth).

Monk is ending its run after 8 seasons. The last episode airs this Friday.

Sorry, Mom.

And now, I must away. I need to get some fish and cheese. And, sigh, eggs.

Kisses!

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