Archive for December 3rd, 2009

Deez Nets.

3rd December
2009
written by jed

Whatever mild excitement I might have once felt for the New Jersey Nets’ move to Brooklyn is hereby officially gone. They are now 0-18. Record-setting awfulness.

But why be content with the worst start in NBA history? What about non-start losing streaks? They’ve surpassed the worst losing streak in NHL history (17 games) and NFL history (16 games) — if they can manage to continue to stink for just 6 more games, they’ll also break the MLB and NBA records for longest losing streaks (both are 23 games).

If you’re gonna suck, you might as well be the suckiest sucks that ever sucked.

How embarrassing! The Post’s front page has a glaring typo! Tiger admits: I’M A CHEETAH it says.

Oh, wait. I see what they did there. Because his name is Tiger. Very clever, very droll.

B’also, they took a photo of Woods and his wife and Photoshopped it so she’s holding a golf club (it helps to illustrate the sub-head Woods’ wife attacked him with wedge!) and he has a black eye (Black eye?), and claw marks and band-aids (Band-Aids?) all over his face. I can only hope there are more animal puns on the four (4) pages of follow-up (pages 4-7).

TIGER: YEP, I’M A STRAYING CAT (see what they did there?) is the banner on the first two pages. Page 4 retraces “his worst drive ever” (see what they did there?) as if it happened on the grassy knoll (I refuse to accept the “magic fire hydrant” theory). Page 5 has Tiger’s statement (which he posted on his website), which includes the statement, “The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious.” I wonder how he feels about today’s front page. Also on the page is a large photo of a blonde in unbuttoned jeans and a bikini top (with the top half of her underwear visible) standing in front of Tiger’s home, holding a sign that reads “TIGER- THEY OFFERED ME $500,000 – I’M KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT!” Holy missing the point, Batman.

(there’s also the promise of more discussion of this by Mandrea, the Editorial section and the Business section)

Page 6 includes Phil Mushnick’s incendiary Jerk’s ‘pals’ are toadies, which begins with a fake letter to children from Tiger Woods (Phil is not a gifted comedian) and ends with me wanting the three minutes back that I spent reading this.

Also on the page is Us Weekly’s assertion that, if Elin decides to leave Tiger, she’ll get $300,000,000 (thanks to their pre-nup). So… her husband admits he cheated on her (possibly with a former Tool Academy girlfriend) and a divorce would give her over a quarter of a billion dollars, and we’re wondering if she’s gonna leave him?

Page 7 is all about how much Tiger loves his privacy, which is like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.

Don’tcha think?

The top five most popular baby names for boys/girls in NYC (2008):

5.David/Sarah

4. Matthew/Olivia

3. Michael/Emily

2. Daniel/Isabella

1. Jayden/Sophia

The only thing I find weirder than New Yorkers’ apparent penchant for naming their son after Britney Spears’ loinfruit is that this list is being released in December of 2009.

Yesterday, the New York State Senate gave those of us with hearts and minds yet still another reason to hate them. 24 senators voted to legalize same-sex marriage. 38 voted no. Of those 38, only 1 had the courage to explain his vote — Ruben Diaz of the Bronx. Who is also a Pentecostal minister. Who also proclaimed that he would be proud to officiate the wedding of Hiram Monserrate (who also voted no) and the lady he dragged by the hair after smashing her face with a glass.

I don’t understand why Monserrate was even allowed in the fucking building, let alone allowed to vote, but hopefully he and the other 37 scumbags will lose their jobs soon. I look forward to voting for whoever runs against Martin Golden (R-Brooklyn) and Carl Kruger (D-Brooklyn).

Shameful.

Busta Rhymes gots to pay $75,000 to a concertgoer who he threw bottles at and sicced his bodyguard on.

Rhymes reported asks the judge is he could, “Woo-hah!! Write you all a check?”

The Republican Party is now referring to global warming as “scientific McCarthyism.”

They also continue to make a big deal out of Obama’s non-use of the word “win” in his Afghanistan speech.

Stay classy, GOP.

Roman Polanski will be released tomorrow. He will be under house arrest in Gstaad.

Stay classy, Switzerland.

Cindy Adams says that The New York Times will lay off 100 employees tomorrow.

New York Post readers should be so lucky.

Mandrea!

She calls Tiger Woods “a spoiled, celebrity jock” (Clown exposed as fraud). The piece ends with, “He has disgraced the game. He has trashed his wife and embarrassed his kids. He has treated the law like a minor inconvenience. And he blames the media while asking for privacy? Children are watching.”

I wish I spoke harpy. Then I might understand her final sentence (and every other sentence she’s ever written).

Nothing reminds me of Christmas more than the New York Public Research Interest Group’s list of unsafe toys. This year, 24 toys made the cut.

The Love to Play Puppy (on sale at Toys R Us for just $23.99!) teaches babies their ABC’s and also contains bromine (which affects the reproductive system and causes birth defects) and mercury (which affects the organs and nervous system). Thomas & Friends Wooden Railway and the Learn and Groove Musical Table also contain bromine, as well as lead and arsenic.

Happy holidays!

Jack Rhodes mugged three old women (he got $78 and two rings in total) in 2007. One of them was 101 at the time (he broke her cheekbone and left her “in a pool of blood”).

He was just sentenced to 75 years in prison.

You should have beaten a child to death, Jack! Then you’d be out in a few years!

Microsoft’s response to the thousands of Windows7 users whose systems crashed after downloading a security update?

“Don’t blame us.”

Well played, Microsoft.

David Brown, 32, paid an ex-girlfriend for a 19-year-old who he then forced into prostitution. The victim slept with roughly 30 men over 12 days.

Brown faces up to 25 years in prison.

If only he had also mugged three old ladies.

Someone tried to rob a Chase bank on the Upper West Side (Broadway and 73rd).

The note handed to the teller read, “Give me $20.00’s, $50.00, $100.00 now. No due packs. No alarms U-R beng wetch.”

The teller dropped to floor (probably in hysterics) and the would-be robber fled.

The punchline: An hour later, the same guy went to the Chase bank on Broadway and 90th and got away with $1,400.

Dr. Ramin Pourandarjani, 26, is credited with exposing the extreme torture carried out by Iranian police against protestors in their prisons. He died last month. They’ve just now determined how.

Someone poisoned his salad (which he had delivered) with an overdose of blood-pressure medication.

Say what you will about Iran, you have to give them points for originality (if not personality and lip-synch).

It just occurred to me — at no point has the Post used the headline Tiger’s Wood.

See what I did there?

That promised editorial on Tiger Woods states, “Woods faced up to his transgressions like a man.”

Shhhh! Don’t tell Mandrea you said that! She’ll eat your face and wear your skin!

Lou Dobbs angrily shouted “Who the Hell does this President think he is?” for some reason that involves global warming and, probably, Mexicans.

Dobbs, Cheney and Rove need to charter a plane together and all sing “Chantilly Lace.”

Wal-Mart is promising huge savings on video games and their systems. GameStop shares fell 8.3% as a result.

Stop. Shopping. There.

AT&T has dropped its lawsuit against Verison for their “there’s a map for that” ads.

Nelson Muntz was quoted as saying, “HAH hah.”

I sure hope Comcast likes Southland and 30 Rock. And hates Jay Leno.

I sure wish my local movie theater didn’t have bedbugs.

Ron Artest told The Sporting News that he used to drink Hennessy at halftime during his 1999-2002 tenure with the Chicago Bulls. He also defended his actions as a Piston that resulted in a 73-game suspension.

“It wasn’t my fault… I don’t see anything I could have done different. The only thing I could have done was have God pause time so I could have said, ‘Oh, look, you’re about to run in some stands, so stop.’”

He makes Allen Iverson sound like William Jennings Bryan.

The Knicks are 4-15. Which is way better than the Nets’ record.

Joel Sherman argues that the most important person to re-sign for the 2010 Yankees is Damon.

I kind of agree, but also worry that Boras is going to ask for something ridiculous (though history shows that the Yankees are OK with that, right, Alex?). I’d resign Damon for two years. Maybe three. But not if, as Boras has stated, he’s looking for “Jeter money.”

Ho-hum TV section news:

A second house pimped on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is about to be foreclosed on.

Oprah will NOT have a talk-show on her new network.

The WWE is teaming up with Titan Publishing (a UK comics company) to release a new series called WWE Heroes.

Michael Starr believes that George Stephanopoulos will replace Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America.

B’also? No one at the White House or the Secret Service or the House Committee on Homeland Security has asked for Bravo’s footage of the Salahis the day of their party-crashing. Granted, it would be painful to watch, but it might kinda sorta answer the questions that all these folks have. And it might incriminate Bravo (icing!).


Tomorrow is Friday. Then comes the weekend. Stay strong, peeps.


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