Archive for December 4th, 2009

Deez Jets.

4th December
2009
written by jed

Yesterday, Sarah Palin was asked in an interview if she would “make Obama’s birth certificate an issue” in her possible 2012 bid for the presidency.

“I think the public rightfully is still making it an issue. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t know if I would have to bother to make it an issue, because I think that members of the electorate still want answers.”

The interviewer followed that with, “Do you think it’s a fair question to be looking at?”

“I think it’s a fair question just like I think past associations and past voting records. All of that is fair game,” Palin responded, adding that “the McCain-Palin campaign didn’t do a good enough job in that area. We didn’t call out Obama and some of his associates on their records and what their beliefs were, and perhaps what their future plans were, and I don’t think that was fair to voters to not have done our job as candidates and a campaign to bring to light a lot of things that now we’re seeing manifest in the administration.”

This woman is either stupid or evil or both. I have removed myself from her Facebook fan base (if you ever need to throw up, read the comments her “fans” leave on that page — it’s like a never-ending contest to see who can be the dumbest person in the world).

I am starving, but I am going to plow through this awful paper and then celebrate with a gigantic omelette (omelet?). Which shouldn’t be too hard since I usually lose my appetite by page 10.

TIGER’S GREEN FEES! is today’s headline (and they filled in the word GREEN with a $100 bill!), along with Megabucks to hush up Rachel — & millions to keep wife. Oh, and a photo of Rachel Uchitel in a wet bikini. A quick flip to the 2-page follow-up and OMG! OMG! OMG! She’s back! She’s back! SHE’S BACK!

Ashley fires a ho in one (see what they did there?) begins, “Ashley Dupre is teed off at all those Tiger Woods mistresses coming out of the woodwork.” It quotes the former (?) prostitute as saying, “Here you have all these girls accepting gifts, money, trips from Tiger in exchange for sex — all the while knowing he is married. And now they all can’t wait to tell their stories in exchange for even more money from the tabloids? And I was the hooker?”

YES! You worked for an escort service! As a hooker! And then you capitalized on your brief fame by using the Post (speaking of tabloids) to further your “music” “career” (how’s that working out, Ash?). These women, as whore-y as they may seem, are not half as prostitutional as you were (are?). Go away (again).

The sidebar next to the photo of Dupre are a collection of six Tiger Woods jokes for some reason. The best of the bunch? “What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? Both are clubbed by Scandinavians.“ Again, that was the best of the six.

But it’s the opposite page (7) that has the article that accompanies the banner headline TIGER IN GAME OF MONEY BALL, wherein we learn that Uchitel was going to give a tell-all press conference (about how she did have an affair with Tiger but was protecting him when she repeatedly denied it), but she changed her mind when she learned that Tiger would give her “seven figures” to shut up.

Poor Ashley Dupre.

Columbia University cannot use eminent domain but the Nets (now 0-18!) can.

(waves miniature American flag)

Are we, as a nation, getting dumber? Absolutely yes.

9% of boys in this country have sent naked photos or videos of themselves over their phones.

13% of girls did the same.

24% of all 14- to 17-year-olds have “sexted.”

33% of all 18- to 24-year-olds have done the same.

Apocalypto can’t get here soon enough.

Mr. and Mrs. Salahi are in a lot of trouble.

Turns out everything about them is a lie (or built on a lie).

The three Secret Service peeps who let them into the state dinner? They don’t work for the Secret Service anymore.

Will the Salahis be subpoenaed by the Homeland Security Committee? And if so, will someone PLEASE get the tapes from Bravo?

Pamela Anderson is going to be a “singer”! She and Richie Rich (the gay designer, not the poor little rich boy) are launching a clothing line and a new single called “High.” “We are recording a pop single together. Pam says she wants to sing, but nothing too difficult, so she’s just going to sing the word ‘high’ over and over,” says Richie.

Richie insists that “high” refers not to drugs but to fashion. I insist that this song will be awful but that methed-out homosexuals will enjoy dancing to it.

Ah-nuld’s son, Patrick Schwarzenegger (16), is dating the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, Tallulah Willis (15). Aren’t you glad you know that now? Thanks, Page Six (today on page 16)!

On page 3 of Page Six (which, oddly, is on page 20), we learn that “Precious director Lee Daniels might have found a leading man in Tobey Maguire.”

In a related story, my parents both thoroughly enjoyed Precious. The bad news is that I look far too much like my father to have been adopted. Thank God for the Pavilion bedbugs.

Governor Paterson has announced that he won’t bring the gay-marriage measure voted on next year “unless he knows for sure it would be approved.”

“The vote was 38-24. That’s pretty substantial. People don’t want to go down on a losing ship,” Magoo said in a radio interview. Firstly, he had an opportunity to say something that would become part of the civil rights canon forever and he went with (and I’m paraphrasing here) “people don’t like to give blowjobs to ships that aren’t currently winning” (it’s a sinking ship or a losing team, Dave).

If footage leaked today of Andrew Cuomo punching puppies, he’d still lead Paterson by 70 points.

It’s only dragging your girlfriend by the hair (but he likes it!).

Ron Wood, 62, spent a night in jail after he allegedly “slapped [his 20-year-old girlfriend] Ekaterina Ivanova to the ground and yanked her [by the] hair.”

Or as the Brits call it, Wednesday.

The NYC Health Department says that we can lower our blood pressure and keep our weight down if we walk (or bicycle) 10 blocks a month.

That isn’t a typo. 10 blocks a month. Who (besides those without the ability to walk) doesn’t walk the length of a city block over the course of 3 days? I probably walk that much in my apartment every day. How is this a health tip? What kind of research begat this laughable advice?

Uh-oh. My blood pressure just rose. I’d better walk eight feet to lower it.

I am really excited to go to California for the holidays. On the other hand,

OTB just filed for bankruptcy.

Now what am I gonna do all day?

Jonah Goldberg explains Why Copenhagen is all hot air and he makes a strong case for him never writing another editorial.

Bill O’Reilly is back to whining about how Christmas is being robbed of its prominence and religion is this increasingly secular country (A GODLESS CHRISTMAS).

“Atheists are jealous of the Yuletide season,” accuses Ireland’s Shame.

Happy Holidays, Bill!

(P.S. — Isn’t it a sin to have a God complex?)

Were 100 people fired from The New York Times, as Cindy Adams foresaw? No, but 50 people took buyouts.

Which is almost kind of in the same ballpark as what Cindy promised.

GE sold NBC Universal to Comcast.

That’s pretty huge. But the huger news? TNT picked up Southland. It will return in January,

It’s a Chri… a Holiday Miracle!

(up yours, O’Reilly)

Lou Lumenick gives Up In The Air four stars (“TOP FLIGHT!”), The Last Station three and a half (“Brava!”), Serious Moonlight one (“Bathroom setting suits foul film”) and Mystery Team half a star (“There is only one joke here milked endlessly.”).

Kyle Smith gives Everybody’s Fine three and a half stars (“And how.”), and Brothers two (“Shoots itself in the foot.”).

Pete Hammond calls Brothers “ABSOLUTELY MESMERIZING! AN OSCAR-WORTHY MUST-SEE MOVIE FOR OUR TIMES.”

Hofstra is discontinuing its football program, which has been a fixture there since 1937.

The Red Sox signed Marco Scutaro to a two (possibly three) year contract.

Good news, Jets fans! You beat the Bills last night 19-13, allowing Rex Ryan another week of playoff promises!

Bad news, Jets fans! Despite Joe Girardi’s crash course on how to slide correctly, QB Mark Sanchez decided not to take the Yankees manager’s advice and wound up with a right knee injury. He may be done for the season.

Adam Lambert’s “They Hate Me For Being Gay, Not For Being Abysmally Mediocre” tour continues and the consequences do, too. ABC has cancelled his upcoming appearances on Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin Eve.

However, the 20 people who still want to see him perform can tune in to The Jay Leno Show on December 21st to see him perform sans faux fellatio (and won’t Jay be thrilled with the boost in ratings!

Linda Stasi is schizophrenic.

She describes SyFy’s Alice as “Lewis Carroll meets Pimp My Ride“ and “Three quarters of the movie is taken up by chase scenes… while the other remaining quarter includes a flabby triangle between Jack, Alice and Hatter” and “silly and too long by two hours” (which is half its running time). She also asks, “Why anyone would  need to reimagine perfection is as much a conundrum as the rabbit hole.”

B’also? She says it “isn’t bad” and, if you aren’t “an Alice in Wonderland fan,” “why not give it a shot?”

Two and a half stars (out of four).

This omelet (omelette?) is going to be epic.

And in less than 5 hours, the weekend begins!

And Dog Court (the bestest new improv group in town) has a show at the Magnet on Sunday night at 9:30!

Go and see them!

Hooray, weekend!

1 Comment
Dailies