Archive for December 5th, 2009

Deez Nets Redux.

5th December
2009
written by jed

Today’s front page is a triptych: WITCH DOCTOR tells the story of a woman (in Brooklyn!) who tried to get her husband’s mistress to miscarry by calling her (with the help of a gadget that made the mistress’ doctor’s office’s phone number appear in the her caller ID) and advising her to pick up a prescription for what she thought was “a drug for her cervix,” but was in fact Cytotec (which, among other things, causes miscarriages). The mistress took a pill and was immediately rushed to the hospital. The baby was delivered (in perfect health!), but the angry wife wasn’t finished yet. A week after the emergency birth, she went to the hospital posing as the baby’s mother with two bottles of what she claimed was breast milk for the baby. The nurses noted that the liquid in the bottles had a different consistency than breast milk and called the police. The woman was arrested and charged with reckless endangerment, forgery of a prescription, criminal impersonation and attempted abortion.

The second piece of the front page puzzle is Giants’ last chance, which warns the football team that they have to “Beat ‘Boys or else” (or else what? You’ll give them the same warning next week? They’re done. Cut it out.).

And last (and totes least) is Rachel’s story, which promises to explain how Rachel Uchitel went “From 9/11 widow to Tiger’s squeeze” – including the bombshell revelation that the father of her ex-husband (who died in the WTC) “says jet-setting Rachel is not girl he once knew.” This is on pages 8 and 9. Hopefully someone with the moral compass of Ashley Dupre will explain why Uchitel is an attention-seeking whore in tomorrow’s paper (in exchange for money!).

Sylvester Stallone sold his “abstract artworks” for $90,000 at last week’s Art Basel Miami Beach show.

This is a self-portrait of Sly’s that sold for $50,000 to an art gallery:

Now I’m torn… is Stallone a brilliant painter who also sells pudding? Or is he a brilliant pudding salesman who dabble in art?

It’s true — the pudding really is an alternative to a healthy snack.

Rudy 9iu11ani will be a security advisor to Rio de Janeiro as they prepare for the 2016 Olympics.

If he were a Democrat and a Republican POTUS had tried to host the 2016 Olympics in the U.S., Rudy’s patriotism would be questioned incessantly.

El Museo del Barrio attempted to “redefine” the word “spic” by titling their upcoming spoken-word event “Spic Up/Speak Out!”

For some weird reason, they got a bunch of complaints. So now the event is called “Speak Up/Speak Out!”

Even weirder is that no one has complained about the names of their other exhibits — “Pickin’ Lettuce ‘n’ Guitars,” “Made By A Maid” and “Beaner There, Done That.”

After seeing today’s photo of DA Robert Morgenthau, 90, I fear time.

Diarrhea-Fast tells us that Unilever has recalled all of their Slim-Fast shakes because they might be contaminated with Bacillus cereus, a micro-organism that can cause excessive diarrhea, nausea and vomiting.

Which, correct me if I’m wrong, would really help you lose weight.

Have you been to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Annex in SoHo?

Well, you have until January 3rd. Then it goes away forever.

Hiram Monserrate has been sentenced to three years of probation, a year of domestic-violence counseling, 250 hours of community service and a $1,000 fine. And he gets to continue legislating (most recently against gay marriage).

The system does not work at all.

Whoopi Goldberg wrote a letter on behalf of her neighbor Anthony Marshall (who abused — mentally and physically — his mother, Brooke Astor, who he also stole millions from), begging the Manhattan Supreme Court not to put him in jail. “Hasn’t Tony been through enough?” she asks.

“I mean,” she continued, “it’s not like he committed rape-rape.”

Roman Polanski is at his home in Gstaad.

Wearing an electronic ankle bracelet.

And having no shame.

You know what? Puke Pricks (sorry, Ralph Peters) and Michelle Malkin both have half-page editorials and I’m not even gonna read them. What do you think about that, jerks?

According to legal documents, Ping Jiang (a bigwig at Steve Cohen’s hedge fund, SAC Capital) forced his subordinate (Andrew Tong) to: let Jiang tie him up with ropes; wear women’s clothing; take female hormones (“to ease his aggressive demeanor and improve his trading”); let Jiang urinate on him; and perform “oral sodomy” on Jiang.

Tong sued Jiang (and SAC) in the state Supreme Court, but was forced to settle the case through arbitration. Tong eventually dropped the case and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission closed its investigation of the allegations in April of 2008. No action was taken.

Today isn’t a very good PR day for justice.

Is Chone Figgins going to the Mariners for the next four years?

I wonder what they could have possibly offered to the LAAoA in return…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Nets won. Their streak of awfulness ends at 18. They are now 1-18.

Congratulations, Mr. Kiki Vandeweghe.

Boo.

It’s supposed to snow today, which would be awesome to see (’specially at night).

But weathermen (and weatherettes) have a tendency to be wrong most of the time, so I won’t hold my breath.

Also, if there are any doctors reading this, I watched the first episode of Jersey Shore on MTV and am worried that I may have contracted an STD.

Enjoy the wet day!

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