Archive for December 6th, 2009

Is It 2010 Yet? How ’bout Now?

6th December
2009
written by jed

Alexa Ray Joel, 23-year-old daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, tried to kill herself by taking eight sleeping pills yesterday afternoon.

She was rushed to St. Vincent’s and released last night.

Our hearts go out to the Joel family.

Also on the front page is a photo of the fifth woman to come forward and claim carnal knowledge of Tiger Woods, Mindy Lawton.

When I saw the photo, I thought, “I wonder where she waits tables.”

I was close — when she met Tiger, she was a manager at a Perkins in Orlando. She also claims (according to the front page) that Tiger “WANTED TO SPANK ME” and I know exactly how he feels. Mindy says she’s 33. I say she’s lying.

Also, here’s some free advice, Mindy: Sitting on the floor and resting your high heel against what is probably an entertainment center is not sexy. Especially if you look like that.

Woman #4 (Jamie Jungers, 26) is planning on writing a tell-all about her two years with Tiger. Although, I have a feeling that if she gets what Uchitel got, her bluff will be called and the book will be cancelled.

Hey! I just had a great idea! Real Mistresses of Tiger Woods! Put ‘em all in a house and let Bravo edit together a weekly show about slutty women and how awful they are to pay attention to! Cha-ching!

On Thursday, Officer Juan Acosta, 34, was arrested and charged with cocaine trafficking.

On Friday, Officer James O’Connell, 39, drove drunk and collided with a toll booth at the Queens entrance of the Midtown Tunnel.

Also arrested on Friday was Officer Shawqi Ahmed, 29. He was charged with raping an 18-year-old he met at a club in Brooklyn.

To protect (and traffic drugs and drive drunk and rape) and serve.

Columbia University is expected to implement a “gender-neutral” housing policy that would allow boys and girls to room together.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer has a nice sidebar that explains why this is a good thing. But not how an ugly Teutonic dwarf became the nation’s leading authority on sex.

How tragic that all of the irony was lost on them.

“Hundreds” of protestors were in Foley Square yesterday to protest the 9/11 trial being held here. “We refuse to let New York become a platform for the terrorists’ mockery,” said one of the speakers.

The piece (Protestors rip 9/11 trial) ends with: “An angry crowd booed whenever the names of President Obama or US Attorney Eric Holder were mentioned.”

And how would the terrorists’ mockery be any different? They’d boo in an accent?

Yeah, it snowed yesterday. A little. But it didn’t stick.

Boo.

Michael Goodwin calls Rachel Uchitel a prostitute (on account of someone referred to her as a “party girl”).

Not all sluts are prostitutes, Michael.

Cindy Adams on Sunday is like a box of chocolates — you never know what you’re gonna get. Today, she discusses baby names (Baby, this name game is nuts).

It begins: “Today’s newest ‘in’ name is Jayden. Spelled with the ‘Y’ like Britney’s kid or without as in Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s son, Jaden. Why-oh-why does one have a ‘Y’ and the other not? Who knows? Who cares?”

She rambles on about how today’s actors have weird names like “Leigh Meester” (methinks she’s referring to Leighton Meester, but who knows? who cares?).

Please get in the box, Cindy. Please?

A two-hour tour of South Central Los Angeles will include the option of getting shot with a water pistol by a local youngster. Takers will also receive a t-shirt that reads “I Got Shot In South Central.”

This would make a lovely gift for anyone that already owns an “I Ate Cat In Chinatown” t-shirt.

Last Friday, Abdulsalam Al-Zahrani, 46, was a Saudi national and a graduate student at Binghamton University.

Today, he is just a Saudi national. That’s because on Friday, he decided to stab professor Richard Antoun, 77, to death with a 6-inch kitchen knife.

The former student has already confessed to his crime. And set back Arab relations in this country another 5 years.

The Salahis did NOT appear on SNL last night. Good.

They do, however, appear in Kyle Smith’s most ridiculous article of the month, In defense of the crashers.

“Can we all just take a moment, in this season of official gratitude, to send a silent hymn of thanks to the White House party crashers? They’re American heroes,” goes the first paragraph in Kyle’s so-partisan-it’s-retarded piece. His argument is that, if it was Michael Moore or Sacha Baron Cohen doing the crashing, “the media would have been aflutter with praise for the daring, the playfulness and wit.”

“Scratch Real Housewives of D.C. and ‘Washington Redskins cheerleader’ off their resumes and replace them with The Harvard Lampoon and The Daily Show and they’re brilliant pranksters, aren’t they?”

Why are cast member of Real Housewives and Washington Redskins cheerleader on their resumes? Both of them are neither (as of yet). So your argument is that if they were lying about being pranksters instead of lying about being millionaire philanthropists and former cheerleaders, it would be funny that they managed to touch the POTUS? And you’d feel the same way if the simpleton cowboy was still in office?

What a colossally disingenuous asshat.

Did you know that Stew Leonard spent 48 months in prison? He was convicted of tax evasion in 1993.

Still, no other supermarket in the tri-state area has animatronic vegetables.

As director Peter Jackson continues to lose weight, he looks more and more like the offspring of Rich Sommer and Skippy from Family Ties.

If the Giants lose today, then maybe everyone will stop saying “they’re still in it.”

They aren’t. Neither are the Jets.

Cut it out.

And there you have it. That’s Sunday.

Enjoy what remains of your weekend. And, if you can, swing by the Magnet Theater tonight. The team I coach, Dog Court, has a show. They’re funny (they get it from me).

Toodles!


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