Archive for December 8th, 2009

Two Sickies.

8th December
2009
written by jed

Our online troubles continue. Methinks tomorrow I will find a nice coffee shop or park with free wi-fi and catch up on my internettings. But in the meantime, I’ll use Microsoft Word to write yesterday and today’s musings. Hooray.

YESTERDAY

At least three more women have come forward to announce their alleged affairs with Tiger Woods, which makes the headline TIGER’S BACK 9 numerically accurate (allegedly). I wonder of one of them is that lady with the sign…

This is the story for the first five (5) pages of today’s paper.

Obama estimated that TARP would cost $341,000,000,000 in August. The new price tag? $141,000,000,000.

That’s a reduction of $200 billion dollars (with a b).

Nice.

Alexa Ray Joel called 911 after trying to OD on pills. “Took pills. Want to die,” is what she told the operator.

The operator then sent a message to EMS workers: “Female caller. Took eight pills. Wants to die. Now feels funny. Wants to live.”

If there’s a contest for the best 911 dispatcher haiku, this should win.

Weezer’s tour bus crashed (oh no!). No one was seriously hurt (oh no!).

The top 5 movies for last weekend? Old Dogs came in 5th with $6,900,000. Disney’s A Christmas Carol placed 4th with $7,500,000. Brothers made $9,700,000. Twilight: New Moon made $15,700,000. And The Blind Side made $20,400,000.

If the Pavilion ever solves its bedbug problem, I might have to smuggle some in.

Cindy Adams still isn’t dead.

Next up for a massive recall is College Inn’s No MSG Chicken Broth. Why? Because the product on the shelves of Stop & Shop and Giant Food supermarkets contain an undeclared wheat allergen (he’s leaning towards Business, but might double-major in Business and English) and… MSG.

MSG in “No MSG Chicken Broth”? Now I’ve seen everything.

Mandrea Peyser claims that “the hottest items for sale around the nation’s capital this Christmas are T-shirts, mouse pads and refrigerator magnets bearing the slogan, ‘Change we don’t need’ – with a red slash through the middle.”

“’I can’t keep this stuff in stock,’ a store clerk at Reagan National Airport told me.”

Mandrea insists that this is Americans voting with their pocketbook and showing Obama that they hate him now. But I think she’s missing the point. Obama’s slogan was “Change we need.” These shirts ‘n’ sitch have the slogan “Change we don’t need” with a red slash through the middle. I think what Americans are “voting” for is for critics of Obama’s policies to shut up.

Mandrea also criticizes Ashley Dupre, calling her “one steamed (ex-) hooker” and “the sultry slut” and “one honest whore.” In other words, she’s stealing my bit.

She also hates on lawyers (“& jerks”) for The War on Christmas, which has cruelly forced NBC to change the name of the Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center to just The Tree in Rockefeller Center. First they came for the word Christmas and I did nothing…

And she cheekily announces that Copenhagen will be very cold this week (in December!), proving that global warming is a farce.

Oh, Mandrea.

Charles Hurt also mocks the summit in Copenhagen by quoting Shakespeare (the line about something in Denmark being rotten – see what he did there?). His big argument? That the world leaders are all flying there and that contributes to global warming!

Which, on any other day, he’d insist was a farce.

Goodbye, Brian Bruney. Have fun playing for the (snicker) Washington Nationals.

The Yankees offered Andy Pettitte $10,000,000 and he declined. Andy is the only player to get an offer from the Yankees (which makes me think that they do consider him their #1 priority which makes me very happy).
Double it, Cashman.

Sigh. Yes, the Giants beat the Cowboys. No, they aren’t going to the Super Bowl.
Stop toying with my father’s emotions, guys.

Tonight on MTV: From 8:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m., watch back-to-back episodes of… South Park. And then at 10:00 p.m., enjoy the music-heavy movie… Thir13en Ghosts.

Change. Your. Name.

TODAY

Tiger’s wife has left the mansion (TIGER’S WIFE TURNS TAIL). I wonder if this has anything to do with the nine (9) alleged affairs her husband has had.

Excuse me. After reading the follow-up to the front page, I see that the total is now ten (10).

Why are people (in this case, Tiger Woods specifically) so inherently stupid? One affair is bad. Five is horrible. But if you’re married and you sleep with 10 women of loose morals (if any), how do you sleep at night thinking that all of them will stay silent?

And will the inundation of floozies somehow do away with Rachel Uchitel’s alleged payday?

And when will I be able to stop reading about this crap?

Joe Bruno was found guilty on two of the eight felony-fraud counts he faced. He could get up to 40 years in prison.

He was found not guilty on five of the counts. The jury had “no verdict” on the last count.

I truly hope that this begins a sweeping change in the shady way the Legislature does business, but I also buy lottery tickets and truly think I have better odds at being filthy rich (like Joe Bruno!).

That lady (Biurny Peguero Gonzalez) who cried rape (when there was none) and sent William McCaffrey to jail for 20 years (despite his innocence) said she did it for attention.

She has pleaded guilty to two counts of perjury. She faces 2 1/3 to 7 years in prison for each of the two counts.

Please give her the maximum.

Oh no! Is Pope Benedict, 82, in poor health?

It’s a Christmas miracle!

Mickey Rourke, 57, proposed to Elena Kuletskaya, 24. She said da.

It will be Rourke’s third marriage and Elena’s first of many.

Sometimes, the punchlines write themselves (or are provided by an idiot’s mother).

Carrie Prejean was booked (for $15,000!) to appear at Shrine at the MGM Grand at Foxwoods on January 26th at midnight. But her mother interceded and called it off. “We are not completely certain that we want her in a nightclub setting at the hours specified in the contract. As you can understand, this is in direct conflict with who she is.”

Apparently, bigots who film themselves masturbating don’t stay out late. But the best part is the way Francine Prejean ends her e-mail (to the casino nightclub):

“If in the future, you have an opportunity for her to speak to young adults, or physically challenged athletes, she would love it.”

How could I possibly top that?

Page 22.

We learn that Alexa Ray Joel spent nine days in Turks and Caicos with Christie Brinkley and her half-siblings a week before trying to kill herself.

“But if this vacation was anything like a typical family gathering, Alexa probably left in worse shape than when she started.”

Now that’s journalism.

The MTA has announced that they’re $200,000,000 behind their budget and that service cuts will most likely happen in 2010.

I hate the MTA so very much.

Cindy Adams remains “alive.”

Two men convinced a Windsor Terrace woman that they were from a water company. She let them in, they robbed her. This happened on 8th Avenue and Windsor Place.

I just made sure our door is extra-locked (and that we have water).

According to NASA researchers, cosmic rays from outside our solar system can harm astronauts.

Stan Lee said the same thing in 1961 in Fantastic Four #1. When will scientists learn that comic books are all based on science fact?

The Hasidic community of Williamsburg asked that the painted bike lanes be removed from 14 blocks of road. The city acquiesced. Cyclists have repainted them themselves.

Tomorrow, I am going to Williamsburg to paint peyos on the 2-dimensional cyclists.

Managers at the fishmonger M. Slavin and Sons (New Yorkers have seen their trucks all over the place for many years) are being accused of using crude language and pinching the rear ends of their male Black employees. They’re also accused of sticking fish hooks into the buttocks of their male employees, as well.

Maybe being unemployed isn’t so bad after all.

Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, Edwin Jackson from Detroit and Ian Kennedy from New York to Arizona, Max Scherzer from Arizona and Austin Jackson, Mike Dunn and Phil Coke to Arizona?

Word on the street is that Jackson is worth keeping (he’s a prospect in our system), so I’m nervous about trading a possible superstar for Granderson (though Curtis is a solid player in his own right).

Arizona loves this trade. New York and Detroit aren’t as enthusiastic. We shall see…

But if we do trade for Granderson, does Johnny Damon really think he has a shot at a 4- or 5-year contract with New York?

The man responsible for Jersey Shore is MTV’s president of programming, Tony DiSanto.

Yes, he’s Italian. Yes, he claims that the cast members refer to themselves as guidos “in a positive manner.”

Yikes.

OK. Teresa just got sent home from work for being ill. Which means that, despite my own illness, I need to care for the Mrs.

Hope the rest of you are well. See you tomorrow(?).

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