Archive for December 10th, 2009

It Ain’t Braggin’ If It’s True.

10th December
2009
written by jed

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

That’s from a song by Dan Bern called “Tiger Woods” (wherein today’s title is credited to Cassius Clay).In fact, I like you guys so much, I’m going to reprint all of the song’s lyrics here (straight from Mr. Bern’s website):

I got big balls
Big ole balls
Big as grapefruits
Big as pumpkins
Yes sir, yes sir
And on my really good days
They swell to the size of small dogs
My balls are as big as small dogs

Well, it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true
Yes sir, yes sir
It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true
Muhammed Ali said that
Back when he was a young man
Back when he was Cassius Clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring

Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

I got a friend whose goal in life
Was to one day go down on Madonna
That’s all he wanted
That was all
To one day go down on Madonna
And when my friend was thirty-four
He got his wish in Rome one night
He got to go down on Madonna
In Rome one night in some hotel
And ever since he’s been depressed
‘Cause life is shit from here on in
And all our friends just shake their heads
And say, “Too soon, too soon, too soon,
He went down on Madonna too soon
Too young, too young, too soon, too soon”

And it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true
Yes sir, yes sir
It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true
Muhammed Ali said that
Back when he was Cassius Clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring

Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

If certain girls don’t look at you
It means that they like you a lot
If other girls don’t look at you
It just means they’re ignoring you
How can you know, how can you know?
Which is which, who’s doing what?
I guess that you can ask ‘em
Which one are you baby?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
And all you need to do that
Is one good pair of big balls
Balls as big as grapefruits
Balls as big as pumpkins
Balls as big as mine

But even though my balls are big
Sometimes i wish they were bigger
Even bigger
Big as the wheels on tractors
Big as the golden arches
Big as the Golden Gate Bridge
Big as the state of Kansas
Big as Mars and Jupiter
Big as the swing in Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods

Why am I posting those lyrics? Because that’s the last Tiger Woods-related thing I can recall that didn’t make me roll my eyes. Today’s front page (like every page of the last week or so) is all about Mr. Woods. Another day, another bombshell! proclaims America’s worst newspaper. And what is that bombshell? TIGER’S SEX TEXTS with Jaimee “Tool Academy” Grubbs. Including:

T: do you have a boyfriend

J: I don’t even have someone I am dating … no … u can be my boyfriend ;)

T: then I am

J: I wish

T: quiet and secretively we will always be together

T: when was the last time you got laid

Now, I ask you, is this more of a bombshell than the actual bomb that killed 127 people in Iraq on Tuesday? And does this really need another four (4) pages of follow-up?

Page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six) is all “sexcerpts” (see what they did there?) that prove that Tiger is a humorless idiot. I mean, I thought he was an adulterous jerk, but reading his attempts at flirtation and wit pale in comparison to Jaimee. Which says a lot.

Page 7 lets us know that Rachel Uchitel also got texts (sorry, sexts) where he “disses” his wife. I think fucking the (at least) ten other women is more of a diss, but what do I know? I’m an unemployed goofball.

Pages 8 and 9 are chock-full of other mini-pieces and I just can’t bring myself to give a shit (except for Ma$ters of new domain which says that someone is selling the domain name TigersHarem.com for $21,000,000 on eBay — but IDidTigerWoods.com can be yours for just $9.99!).

Tiger is a slut and is facing a divorce (I’m sure). Plus, he almost killed his mother-in-law. I get it. Now howzabout you cover some, I dunno, news?

Non-incumbent Governor Paterson (noncumbent?) gave a speech praising Wall Street yesterday. Today he plans on kicking a baby down some stairs. And then he’ll begin his push for re-election.

There’s a picture of a horse on page 3 and it’s walking on its back legs and wearing a hat and…

Never mind. That’s Sarah Jessica Parker. God, she is painful to look at.

EXCLUSIVE! Eliot Spitzer might run for State Comptroller in 2010!

I can’t wait for that debate!

He was the star of Blank Check. He was the cutest child in the Keaton family on Family Ties (but then, his competition was Tina Yothers). Now he’s being held in lieu of $7,500 bail in Colorado.

Brian Bonsall, 28, hasn’t acted since 1994. In 2007, he allegedly violated his probation by assaulting his girlfriend (awwww). Now he faces another assault charge because he allegedly beat his friend (repeatedly!) with a broken wooden stool.

If that’s what he does to his friend and girlfriend, imagine what he’d do to you if you asked him how obscurity is treating him.

Remember the autistic kid whose school bus driver made fun of him and laughed as he slammed his head against the window? Apparently, the DA waited too long to bring charges against her, so a judge threw the case out.

Take a bow, DA Charles Hynes!

That lawsuit against Liza Minnelli (the one where her driver claims she repeatedly tried to force him to have sex with her and beat him up) and the countersuit Liza filed against him have both been settled out of court.

Let’s hope this is the last time anyone mentions Liza Minnelli having sex with anything ever again.

Preview clips of an upcoming episode of Jersey Shore include Snookie (the “girl” who got mad drunk on Day One and then showed up late to work because she was vomiting! LOL!) getting punched in the face by a “man” in a club. Advertisers have begun pulling their ads.

In a related story, MTV has promised to remove references to “guidos” and “guidettes” from their promotional materials.

But not their airwaves.

Goodbye, public option.

Granted, the Post has been saying it would be killed for months, but here’s a second opinion.

I give up.

According to Page Six (today on page 16), Lindsay Lohan is in New Delhi, India, “trying to save children from hunger and human trafficking and making a documentary about it.” She Twatted: “Going to make one of my lifelong dreams on my list of things to do in this lifetime! (if only there was room to include “come true” — Twitter is teh suck) Wish me luck! Over 40 children saved so far … Within one day’s work … This is what life is about … Doing THIS is a life worth living!!! Oh, and I’m talking about being in India.”

I can’t wait to see what she does next week!

Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel breaking up?

Sure.

So Playgirl didn’t make its $150,000 back (via their $19.95 online fee) for their Levi Johnston pictorial. Primarily because Levi decided not to show his Johnston.

Even Palin’s in-laws can’t keep their promises!

Mandrea chastises Plaxico Burress for wanting to get a work-release deal that would allow him to play football again (MAN UP AND DO YOUR TIME, PLAX!) and Bloomingdale’s for waging war on Christmas (Bloomie’s: Wish Yule were here). She also lashes out at the woman who slept (sleep?) with Tiger Woods (Boobs like these set women back) blaming them for the death of feminism (I’d blame shrill woman-hating harridans like Mandrea before anyone else).

By the way, anyone who spends more time fretting about the War on Christmas than they do about the War in Iraq and the War in Afghanistan is an asshole.

Cindy Adams still hasn’t died.

Charles Hurt is still pounding the global-warming-is-a-farce drum.

Penises composed entirely of Barf (sorry, Ralph Peters) still believes that you can’t trust none o’ them Islamists.

“Compromise is our false god, not theirs.”

What the fuck do you and your buddies know about compromise you bigoted douchebag?

Michael Tanner, who has been ripping the public option to shreds for months has the balls (swollen to the size of small dogs) to pen Public Option’s Rotten Replacements.

Everyone at this paper is a ass.

Further proving that theory, the editorial Obama’s Carbon Commisars does a nice job of perpetuating the fallacy that Obama invented czars and is a Communist.

William Kristol’s Obama the Obtuse ends with the pithy “But being a liberal means never admitting you’ve been mugged by reality.”

And being a Republican means never admitting that you’re lying on purpose.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Page 42 is a full-page ad for John Stossel’s new show (Stossel — Thursdays at 8!) on the Fox Business Channel (THE NEW HOME OF THE AMERICAN DREAM).

Not. Safe. For. Work.

Hey, AOL? In the words of Max Bialystock, just say “oops” and get out.

Don’t re-brand or re-invent. You had a nice run. Now say “oops” and get out.

Citigroup is now trading at $3.86.

Will Ken Stott, Jimmy Smits, Christine Lahti and Annie Potts draw the same crowds that James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Marcia Gay Harden and Hope Davis did for God of Carnage? Um… no.

The Nets lost again! 2-20!

P.U.!

What do you do when you see an adorable puppy?

PETTITTE!

He’s back for 2010, and it only cost us $11,750,000. Which I think sucks.

The man won all three clinchers in the postseason (in a 3-man rotation!). Show him some overdue love, Yanks.

I can only hope that the incentives/bonuses will give him a hefty increase.

By the way — Andy is 8 wins away from 200 (as a Yankee). Only Whitey Ford (236) and Red Ruffing (231) have more.

Will Adam Lambert perform at the Oscars?

Allow me a pre-emptive yawn just in case.

I am still sick and we still have no internets.

Thanks to the lovely people at OKO for allowing me to nurse a cup of coffee for two hours and write this.

So very tired. Need strength. And a job.

K thnx bi.


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