Archive for December 11th, 2009

The bad news is that Tiger Woods’ sexual proclivities remain on the front page. But the good news is that it only takes up 1/3 of it and the follow-up has been bumped to pages 10-11! And what is today’s metaphorical bombshell? Ho, Tiger! Madam: He paid for sex with hookers

First of all, I resent being called Madam. Second of all, does this surprise anyone? He was already sleeping with women and paying them — an actual hooker is like an FDIC-insured slut. You’re paying more because the secrecy is part of the price. B’also? You can order one on the phone and they’ll come to your hotel and do you and then leave!

B’also? People magazine (which seems like The Guardian in comparison to the Post) says that Tiger told his wife everything (presumably in low, hushed tones) and she has agreed to stay with him (!) on the condition that “he gives up golf for awhile.”

That’s… sad.

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The larger front page story is BULLETS OVER B’WAY Times Square panic as cops blow away machine-gun thug which tells the story of Raymond “Ready” Martinez. Raymond is one of those colorful fellows who tries to stop people on the street and “give” them his CD. If you’re stupid enough to accept it, he writes your name on it and explains that the “free gift” (which may or may not actually have music on it) is personalized and now costs $10. These guys used to do this (minus the personalizing) every day in front of (both) Virgin Megastores (R.I.P.), but now Times Square is their main hub.

Two cops approached Raymond between 44th and 45th Street at the intersection of Broadway and 7th Avenue. They asked for his ID and tax stamp. Raymond ran down away and cut through the Marriott Marquis hotel on 45th. When he exited on 46th, cops told him to freeze and show his hands. He chose instead to pull a MAC-10 and shoot at them. Luckily, his gun jammed after he shot twice (the other twenty-seven [27] bullets remained in the magazine). More luckily, the police killed him and no one else was injured.

There’s a great photo of Raymond with a celebrity holding up his CD and smiling. The celebrity? The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton. LOLZ.

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Karen Kilgariff posted this on Facebook. I’m still laughing.

There’s a “second attempt” that I like even more, but I can’t embed it here. I posted it on Facebook. You’re welcome.

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Oh, Salahis. Why can’t you kill each other and let us all move on?

Tareq owed $2,000 to the folks who take care of his lawn. He gave them a watch that he claimed was worth “up to $25,000.” Do I even have to finish?

The watch is a fake. Tareq is a fake. His wife is a fake. They are liars. They deserve Bravo and Bravo deserves them.

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Someone killed a 24-year-old Long Island woman (that’s bad). He did it by cutting her and setting her on fire (that’s really bad). Then he used the slain woman’s cell phone to text her family messages that implicated her boyfriend (wow). If they ever find this guy, I hope the judge pretends he punched an old woman (and not beat a 3-year-old to death) so he gets a long sentence.

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Gordon Ramsay is facing bankruptcy.

Oh, Gordon. You donkey.

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The father of the mute autistic boy who was repeatedly taunted and abused by his bus matron (and whose case was thrown out due to the foot-dragging of the Brooklyn DA) is now planning to sue the Brooklyn DA.

Yes. And.

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Punching a woman in the face is never OK. Especially if you’re a man. Although, after watching the premiere of Jersey Shore, I can understand why Brad Ferro might have wanted to punch Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. But it’s still not OK.

And you know what makes it even more ridiculous? Brad Ferro is a (gym) teacher at North Queens Community High School. Or, he was before MTV started airing (and re-airing and re-airing) his drunken fisticuffs against a defenseless (and borderline retarded) “woman.”

(waves miniature American flag)

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Charles Hurt points out that George Soros is on the side of the people that believe global warming is real, which, obviously, means it’s all bullshit.

With all of the people being senselessly killed every day, why can’t Charles Hurt be one of them?

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Oh, and Fox “News” claims that 54% of Americans want Congress to abandon all health-care reform.

Keep in mind that people who can breath through their noses will hang up immediately after hearing, “Hi, I’m calling from Fox News” (which they count as “somewhat in favor of Congress abandoning all health-care reform”).

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Christie Brinkley and Alexa Joel Ray have lashed out at the Post for implying that their joint vacation played a major role in Joel’s suicide attempt. But rather than apologize or let their wicked slander fade from memory, Page Six (today on page 18) has Alexa’s tormented childhood at the top of their page (right above the hilariously poignant cartoon of Silda Spitzer calling Tiger Woods’ wife and asking for her 9 iron as Eliot paints signs that read “Spitzer for comptroller 2010″ — with his pants are down! — behind her), further blaming Brinkley for not knowing how tormented her daughter has always been.

Stay classy, Post.

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John Mayer and… Kim Kardashian? Page Six says he tried but she’s still dating Reggie Bush.

Tough luck, John.

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Oh no! Has Mischa Barton started drinking heavily again?

(Yes.)

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

This is worse than the ad for John Stossel’s new show! A photo of Kirstie Alley! Good lord!

She looks like George Soros in a wig and a fat(ter) suit!

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Ziad Tayeh, 23, stabbed Tyrone Gibbons, 19, to death because Tyrone cut in front of him on line at a falafel cart in Midtown at 4:00 a.m. on October 28, 2006. Yesterday, a policeman testified that Tayeh told him the stabbing was “in self-defense.”

(waves miniature American flag and miniature pennant that says “New York City”)

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Cindy Adams says that Fat Al Sharpton had this to say about the recent Tiger Woods revelations: “Hey, leave me outta this one. This may be the only time I’m looking to keep my mouth shut.”

That’s funny, but it’s also proof that Cindy Adams still walks the earth.

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Swine flu is killing American Indians and Alaskan Natives at four times the rate of other Americans.

Which proves that the swine flu is a racist.

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Health Care’s Missing Millions is a nice editorial that ridicules the current health-care reform because it won’t cover 24,000,000 Americans.

What they fail to mention is that they would be covered IF THE PUBLIC OPTION STILL EXISTED.

Me so angry.

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Bill O’Reilly takes time off of his ridiculous whining about how secular America is killing Baby Jesus by wishing people Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas with Warming Their Wallets. It begins, “At the opening of the climate-change conference in Copenhagen this week, they showed a video of children trapped by onrushing water. One little girl was left hanging on to a tree limb. Chicken Little had to be proud.”

Happy Holidays, Bill.

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Citadel Broadcasting is filing for bankruptcy. Citadel owns 77WABC, which airs Don Imus, Joe Scarborough, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

Maybe… maybe there is a God.

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Lou Lumenick gives Invictus three and a half stars (“Mandela film plays well on the field, and off”) and three stars to A Single Man (“Gem in a lacquered box”).

Kyle Smith gives Tenderness half a star (“laughable weepie”), two and a half stars to The Slammin’ Salmon (“Worth checking out on video.”) and two and a half stars to The Lovely Bones (“Lovely mess.”).

Michael Riedel claims that the new Addams Family musical is being feverishly re-written after premiering in Chicago (and getting very mixed reviews).

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Are the Red Sox trading Mike Lowell to the Rangers? Maybe!

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Now they’re saying that Damon wants three years (at $13,000,000/year).

Good luck with that, Johnny.

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Is Jason Bay headed to the Mets?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That was a good one, Post.

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The TV Friday section informs us that Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry aren’t eligible for Best Picture Oscars (they signed on as producers of Precious long after the film was finished). They also quote Armond White (!) as saying, “Winfrey and Perry had no hand in the actual production … yet the movie must have touched some sore spot in their demagogue psyches.”

Armond has a way with words. And I usually understand most of them.

B’also, we saw Precious the other day (for free in a non-bedbug-riddled theater, thanks to my trusty SAG card) and I am floored by the gushing reviews it has gotten. The script is riddled with the harshest stereotypes I’ve seen in a long time (watch Precious eat a 20-piece bucket of fried chicken for breakfast — after she steals it!). The acting is solid, but the script is awful. And Lee Daniels must never direct anything ever again. If you think he deserved an Oscar nomination for that shaky-camera bullshit (and, really, I’m supposed to believe that Precious was interested in the Oliver North trial?) then you are hereby banned from ever seeing another movie ever again (except Shadowboxer and Vanilla Sky).

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OK. That’s Friday. We’re heading up to the folks tomorrow, so I’ll probably wait until Sunday for the weekend edition. Try to stay warm in the meantime.

P.S. — Weekend! Weekend! Weekend!