Archive for December 14th, 2009

Attempt #2 (Triple-Header)

14th December
2009
written by jed

You’d best be comfy before you begin. Make y’self a nice hot cuppa and remove your shoes. Letcha hair down.

Unless the proprietor decides that a $2 cup of coffee (plus the $1 tip for the cashier — hush money) isn’t enough for all this wi-fi and chases me into the street, I will be recreating a double-post and writing an additional one for today.

Are you ready, kids?

Excellent.

SATURDAY

The cover announces another Sex scandal bombshell for Mr. Woods. TIGER PULLS OUT! (see what they did there?) Tosses clubs in bid to save his marriage is that bombshell. Which isn’t much of a bombshell. But it’s Saturday and who reads the Post on Saturday (besides me)?

This “story” and other related “stories” continue on page 2. And page 3. And page 4. And page 5. And the only remotely interesting thing is that, after her Today appearance, Jamie Jungers went to a Bank of America in Midtown and tried to cash two checks (one for $19,000, one for $20,000) that were so “suspicious-looking” that the manager asked her to leave. Jamie insisted on Today that she was never an escort. But madam Michelle Braun has a 1099 tax form that says otherwise.

I can’t wait until everyone realizes that there are no more secrets in this world.

EPIC. WIN.

Do you know why the MAC-10 that Raymond “Ready” Martinez was using to shoot at police in Times Square jammed?

Because he was holding it sideways. Seriously.

So those cops have the comically thuggish rap culture to thank for their lives.

Hey, Ray — was looking cool worth it?

Page 9 has a five-sentence piece on its bottom left corner (Qaeda big rubbed out). It (briefly) tells the story of the American missile strike in western Pakistan that resulted in the death of Saleh al-Somali, “a senior al Qaeda operations planner” who was “part of al Qaeda’s senior leadership.”

Five sentences.

Next to it is an article that takes up 80+% of the page: PICKIN’ UP A CHICK, which tells the story of the hen that fell off of a truck on West 58th and then ran under a Cadillac SUV and wouldn’t come out. There are also three gigantic photos.

This is a phenomenally awful paper.

For further proof, check Page Six (today on page 10) for the item that begins “Former Barack Obama campaign manager David Plouffe is getting his butt kicked by Sarah Palin at bookstores…”

It reminds me of the Mr. Show sketch where the guy from Money magazine explains that how great you are is determined solely by how much money you have. I’m sure Plouffe is inconsolable, now that the former vice presidential candidate who has been touring the country fearmongering/signing the “book” she paid someone else to write has outsold him.

Totes fair, totes balanced.

Michelle Duggar, 43, gave birth to a 1-pound, 6-ounce girl on Thursday night (14 weeks premature). Duggar is a co-star of TLC’s 18 Kids and Counting. This makes 19.

Shame on you, Michelle. Shame on you, TLC. Shame on you, whoever hates themselves enough to watch this show.

Another drummer has died in Brooklyn, only this time, it was murder.

Troy Young (of The Spines) was found shot to death in his basement apartment on Fourth Street in Carroll Gardens.

I don’t know what’s scarier — being a Muslim in the U.S. Armed Forces or being a drummer in Brooklyn.

“I was hungry.”

“They called me a punk!”

“I was scared. It was quick!”

These are some of the excuses offered by Ziad Tayeh, 26, the “man” who stabbed a 19-year-old to death for cutting in front of him at a falafel stand.

I can’t wait for gen pop to start tossing his tabouleh.

Phalluses O’Vom-Vom (sorry, Ralph Peters) retells the story of Galileo at the start of When Scientists Lie, explaining that the church demanded he recant his life’s work (which was 100% accurate) because “Galileo was worse than right — he was inconvenient.”

Which is followed by, “Since his trial, scientists have mythologized him as their secular saint.”

Oh, Ralph. Science is hard, I know. Why not concentrate on something simpler? Like washing your old man balls?

Cynthia Paul of Oceanside writes in to say, “A suggestion for Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren: Get tested!”

Cynthia sounds like someone who learned this lesson the hard way (if you know what I mean).

Richard Linklater’s Me and Orson Welles isn’t doing so good at the ol’ box office (as of December 13th it’s made $343,000 in 19 days). But they have a new ad with a blurb from Lou Lumenick. Will it help? Prolly not. Here’s why:

ONE OF THE BEST PICTURES ABOUT THE STAGE IN RECENT MEMORY

Let’s break that down. It isn’t the best, but it’s “one of the best.” One of the best what? “Pictures about the stage.” Wow! Like All About Eve? Nope. Only films about the theater “in recent memory.” Go back over the last decade. How many movies about the stage can you think of? Yeah. Now factor that into Lou’s comment.

A little research unearthed Lou’s full sentence: “One of the best pictures about the stage in recent memory that featured someone pretending to be Orson Welles and co-starred that guy from High School Musical and that lady who destroyed Mary-Louise Parker’s family.”

The Nets have played 23 games. I have played none.

The Nets have only 2 more wins than I do.

Where’s my new arena?

Jason Bay to the Mets? Uh… I doubt it.

J.J. Putz to the White Sox? Yup.

Putz.

SUNDAY

First of all, if you happen to have the Toys R Us insert from Sunday’s paper, turn to page 20A and check out the ad on the middle of the top of the page. It’s for the $119.99 (down from $139.99) STEP2 Lifestyle Partytime Kitchen for ages 2-up.

The child seen “playing” with it is mentally handicapped. I’m no doctor, but I think buying your learning-disabled child a make-believe kitchen will result in your child trying to cook a plastic loaf of bread in your actual stove, which itself will result in severe burns on your child and house.

And that’s one to grow on.

Three segments on today’s cover: $180M What Tiger’s timeout will cost him — that’s $15M a FLING! is self-explanatory; AVATAR WEEK IN THE POST warns me that I have seven days of gigantic blue things to look at in my morning paper; but it’s the third segment that made me wince: Ask Ashley (Dupre). That’s right, folks, GOV’S GIRL IS OUR NEW SEX COLUMNIST.

That’s on page 3. But first…

Everyone at the MTA needs to be tried as a war criminal.

Transit workers are getting an 11% percent raise. And commuters? We now face the total elimination of the W and Z lines, plus 21 bus lines (most likely including the ones I use). And those students that ride to school for free? Next year they’ll pay half-price fares. In 2011, they’ll pay full price.

I really really really hate the MTA.

Spitzer’s babe answers all your love-life questions!

(Question: How come the women Tiger Woods cheated with are cheap sluts but the prostitute Eliot Spitzer went to is a babe? Fair and balanced, my tuchus.)

Here’s how we’re going to do this. I will reprint the questions (in their entirety, I assure you) and a sentence or two of Ashley’s response. Then I will respond as though these people had asked me for advice. Here we go.

1) How do I know if my daughter may be getting into trouble? — Meredith, 40, Queens

Ashley: “I suggest you be able to talk to her about boys, sex, alcohol and drugs, because they’re around and kids do experiment. Would you rather educate her or have her getting alcohol-poisoning at a party?”

Me: Everyone’s daughter may be getting into trouble. In fact, she may be falling down an elevator shaft as you read this. If you had included your daughter’s age, I might have more specific advice for you, but you didn’t, so I don’t.

2) Are there telltale signs a man isn’t happy in his marriage? — J. Marshall, 37, East Village

Ashley: “Guys are primal. They’re proud and need to be treated like they’re proud and special.”

Me: Any time he snores, he’s dreaming of killing you. And any time he tells you “I love you,” he’s thinking of killing you.

3) My boyfriend wants to know how many men I’ve slept with. Do I give an honest answer? — Anonymous, NYC

Ashley: “You don’t give him an answer at all. It’s really none of his business (and vice versa).”

Me: If you refuse to answer, he’ll assume you’re a tramp. If you lie and he finds out, he’ll think you’re a liar (which you absolutely would be). If you love someone, they deserve the truth (and like father, like son).

4) My girlfriend says she doesn’t like porn. Is she lying? — David K., 36, TriBeCa

Ashley: “Try sending her an e-mail of a soft-porn clip and say ‘I can’t wait to do this to you tonight.’ And see what she says.”

Me: When a woman tells you she doesn’t like porn, what she means is “please e-mail me numerous mpegs of fisting and watersports.” If you want to hold onto this lady, make sure that her e-mailbox is never raunchy pornographyless.

5) What’s the no-fail Christmas gift I can get my wife that will make her feel special and loved? — Brian N., 39, Lower East Side

Ashley: “Women are really not as complicated as men think.”

Me:

Pages 6 and 7 continue the Tiger Woods story from the front page and remind us that the $180,000,000 in lost endorsements, tournament prizes and appearance fees work out to “$15 million per floozy.”

The paper that hired an ex(?)-whore to give sex advice (on page 3 of their Sunday edition!) is calling Tiger’s partners-in-adultery “floozies”?

Them’s big balls, Rupe.

A “prominent Upper East Side pediatric eye doctor” says that private schools are “causing young students to develop nearsightedness” because they are being given “too much homework.”

I hope you’re proud of yourself, Mom.

Michael Goodwin gets in the holiday spirit with his full-page story of a man named Michael who meets a man named Ralph and wind up finding love in each other’s old man balls (Good Peters? Win!). It’s a little too graphic for my tastes, but I applaud his bravery in coming out of the closet and admitting how much he enjoys watching pre-teens urinate (“shimmering gold from hairless junk is, to me, like winning the boner lottery”).

No, that isn’t what he wrote today. But after reading what he did write (O’s peace of history, ‘BONUS’ ITEM ON DEMOCRAT TAX HACKS), I feel wholly justified in interpreting it as I did.

Eight protestors were arrested at UC Berkeley after they threw torches at the chancellor’s house (and “trashing” it — as he and his wife slept) and police cars. They were protesting the arrests of 66 other protestors, who were themselves protesting fee hikes and budget cuts (by taking over a campus building for four days).

As the eight protestors were being put in the paddy wagon, other less-violent protestors chanted “no justice, no peace,” which I hope made MLK chuckle.

Robert Sormanti, 47, is the man inside the Pat Patriot costume at New England Patriot home games (he’s their official mascot). He was arrested in a prostitution sting last weekend in Rhode Island.

But here’s the incredible part: Until last month, prostitution was legal in Rhode Island “if it was conducted indoors.”

Is that why we went to Newport, Dad?

Disturbing injustice of Foxy Knoxy charade does a surprisingly good job of listing some of the major inconsistencies in the Italian prosecution’s case against Amanda Knox. It still isn’t at nypost.com, but when it is, do yourself a favor and read it. It’s by no means comprehensive, but it compelling, nonetheless.

Is Prince William being groomed to be England’s shadow king?

And if so, can Harry Potter stop it from happening?

“Academic” Shauna Wilton delivered a speech at a political-science conference in Canada. The crux of that speech? That Thomas the Tank Engine (both the train and his show) is sexist because there are only 8 female characters (out of over 40!) and they “play more secondary roles” and are “often portrayed as being bossy or know-it-alls.”

Some people have waaaaaay too much time on their hands.

Now get back in the kitchen, Shauna, and make me some dinner, eh?

Stephen King wanted to donate $13,000 to Operation Community Support, but he suffers from triskaidekaphobia. So he donated $12,999 and his assistant donated $1.

Hey, Stephen? Why not donate $14,000?

(From Hey, Tiger, a nup already!)

“The point is, this Tiger is now an ass. Fore? Please. The guy went 10, 11, 12 and his prowess at using a mashie niblick is rightfully costing him big.”

Cindy? Please get in the box. For serious.

Here are some chilling statistics: In 2008, the Manhattan DA’s office dismissed 6,507 cases because prosecutors “were not ready to try these cases within legally mandated time limits — 6 months for felonies, 90 days for high-level misdemeanors.” The Brooklyn DA’s office dismissed 7,457.

That means that in 2008 alone, 13,961 cases were dismissed because of prosecutorial feet-dragging (in just Manhattan and Brooklyn).

Anyone think that maybe those time limits need to be, oh I dunno, extended?

Kyle Smith, who hopes to one day achieve mediocrity, gives us Liberals gone wild! which explains that The Huffington Post is more Internet porn than high-minded politics.

The basis of this accusation? Their most popular stories (on the day that Kyle checked) included features on a Tiger Woods mistress — Holly Sampson (#2), another mistress — Joslyn James (#5), and Tiger’s wife (#7). “A better name for it would be the FluffPo.”

Does everyone that writes for this cage-liner live in a Skinner box? The Post just hired Ashley Dupre to be their sex columnist and they have run at least 2 pages on Tiger Woods’ love life in every paper of the last week and change — always in the front 10 pages.

Maybe a better name for the Post would be The New York Poo-st (see what I did there, Vyle?).

According to a new Harris poll, when [some number of Americans] (great job, Post!) was asked “What’s the thing you dislike most about the holidays?” 21% replied, “I LIKE EVERYTHING!”

Bah humbug.

B’also? I hope O’Reilly and Mandrea attack Harris for saying “the holidays” instead of “Christmas.”

The combined primetime audience of all four major networks from 2001-2002 was 46,200,000.

From 2008-2009, it was 38,600,000.

I blame Leno.

Kyle Smith thinks Funny People was the 5th-best movie of the year. He picked Inglourious Basterds as the best.

Idiot.

Avatar looks awful. Truly.

Now guess what it cost. Go on, guess.

Did you say between $400,000,000 and $500,000,000?

Then you’re correct!

There’s a photo of Michael Stipe on page 47 with a handlebar mustache that makes him look really ga… oh, right. Never mind.

Jason Bay told the Red Sox that he didn’t want their 4 year/$60,000,000 offer.

This increases the odds of him becoming a Met by a factor of HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Meanwhile, in Yankeeland, Chien-Ming Wang is now a free agent. Godspeed, ol’ buddy.

Now he might wind up on the Mets. Just wait.

TODAY (finally!)

TOXIC TIGER FIRED says the part of the cover that doesn’t have a blue puma/sea horse with dreadlocks (hooray for Avatar week). Accenture has fired Woods. Yawn. And yet, there are four (4) pages of follow-up in today’s paper (pages 4-7). Someone show Kyle!

The follow-up claims that Elin may be asking Tiger for a trial separation. How long did it take Governor Sanford’s wife to make up and divorce him? Six months? I guess Elin is smarter than someone who lives in South Carolina (as are most amphibians).

I hope later in the paper some columnists complain about how we all need to move on from the Tiger Woods story!

Someone (with a statue in his hand) punched Silvio Berlusconi in the face at a political rally. The uber-wealthy Italian Premier broke his nose and two teeth and got mad bloody, yo (on his lip and a patch of skin under his eye).

I blame the Salahis.

There was a protest in Times Square yesterday.

Against a proposed federal tax on cosmetic surgery.

Boobs for boob jobs.

Prince Philip is under attack for making a joke at a teenage British Army cadet’s expense in 2002. I actually laughed when I read it. If the cadet did, too, then this should be a non-issue. But if the cadet was offended, then Philip should be beheaded.

When Stephen Menary was 14, he lost his left arm and was nearly blinded. The Queen asked him how much sight he had left and Philip chimed in, “Not a lot, judging by the tie he’s wearing.”

The tie was part of the cadet’s uniform. And the joke was almost Wilde-ian.

DJ Reverend Soul (Solange Raulston, 33) was killed when a truck sideswiped her as she rode her bike through Greenpoint.

Musicians, GET OUT OF BROOKLYN!

Hey, Democrats? How’s appeasing Joe Lieberman working out for you? Was it worth throwing out the public option that most Americans want?

Jerks.

If you want to buy some of Lindsay Lohan’s old clothes, swing by Lohanhouse.com.

Who knows — you may find a bag of heroin in the pocket!

Mandrea!

She hates on Eliot Spitzer (Why Spitzer the horndog might still have his day), Zhu Zhu Pets (ZHU ZHU: PARENTS’ NEW PET PEEVE), and MTV2 (Bad rap for New Jersey).

Apparently MTV2 is launching School of Surf which will feature Jersey Shore surfers. Mandrea says their promo tells kids, “Cut school. Watch School of Surf.”

While I agree that that’s absurd, I still can’t look at her face while I’m eating.

Charles Hurt returns to further denigrate Copenhagen and global warming and people who are concerned with climate change.

“Just like the fascists and the communists, these people just want to dismantle capitalism and bleed America dry.”

That’s not just hyperbole — that’s megabole.

Fun Avatar fact: It took 2,400 hours to make 1 second of action.

And it still looks gayballs.

Betsy McCaughey rips apart “Democrats’ bogus arguments” in US Health Care Still Tops, thus proving that she is an idiot.

It’s great if you have it, Betsy. Swing by a free clinic and then tell me again how our citizens are better off with the status quo.

Jerk.

Did I say the Nets were 2-21?

Well, I meant 2-22.

Soopah-stank!

The NY Giants lost last night.

Will the Post stop implying that they still have a shot this year? Prolly not.

But they don’t.

Michael Starr’s confusing Starr Report is chock full of huh?-worthy tidbits today including, “Jennifer Rogers (Dr. Oz) at Johnny Utah’s last Friday.” and “Kudos to Jimmy Fallon for those clever Real Housewives of Late Night spots. Good stuff.”

At least he’s stopped picking on Mad Men.

Ratings for the second episode of Steven Seagal Lawman (now without a colon!) are down 43%.

I can’t imagine why.

Good lord. That took… a long time.

Now I’m off to buy new sneakers, lest my wife kill me in my sleep.

Thanks you for your patience and patronage.

Oh, I almost forgot. I began yesterday’s entry by gushing about how lucky I am to have not only the most kind and supportive wife in the world, b’also the best damn parents a boy could hope for. No matter how bad things have gotten in my life, my folks have always been there for me. So, even though this might seem out of place in a blog whose raison d’être is to take the piss out of the Post, I wanted to thank all three of the people who mean the most to me.

I promise not to make a habit of gushing. But I felt the need.

Until tomorrow, I remain,

Caffeinated.

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