* The following post may not actually be highly enjoyable. Some restrictions apply.

Had some early morning chores to do today (replace incorrect prescription for Teresa that wouldn’t have been incorrect if I had been clearer with the pharmacist; go to doctor on the UES and get blood drawn; buy sneakers that don’t smell like sour cream and onion potato chips) and only got to my new wi-fi safe-zone at 2:00 p.m.

Luckily, Teresa is getting her hair did tonight so I can take my time cooking dinner (which will require buying a teeny amount of food). More luckily, I waited an hour at the doctor’s office so I had time to read the Post and make copious notes.

Here, then, are those notes (comedically re-imagined).

---

Who’s on the cover gang? Is it Tiger Woods? NO!

It’s his wife (pumping gas at some kind of a station where one would pump gas… I think they’re called “the bus that couldn’t slow down”). But the headline is TIGER’S AGONY (along with EXCLUSIVE ‘He’s only just coping — he’s on the edge.’), which makes me think that the implication is that Elin is Tiger’s agony.

The full-page photo’s caption indicates that “fears grow that Tiger Woods is at the end of his rope.”

This lays the groundwork for more thoughtful reporting — in the event that the two weeks of front-page stories about all of his various skanks and floozies causes him to kill himself.

The 2-page follow-up (SCAREDY TIGER NOW ‘ON EDGE’ on pages 6-7) claims that Elin “is refusing to speak to him” and that “the two are now definitely living apart.”

B’also? Extra-marital hoochie mama #14 has been identified as “cougar Theresa Rogers, a busty, blond, 48-year-old mom and fitness nut from Wellington, Fla.”

How does today’s cover strike you, Kyle Smith? Too tabloidy?

---

Page 2 is a full-page ad for Coach leatherware.

Page 3 is (primarily) a topless photo of Rihanna (and a sidebar about the new app “NYC Broken Meters,” which will let you know where you can park for free!).

Kyle? Your thoughts?

---

Page 4 is a full-page ad for Macy’s.

So is page 8.

And pages 10, 11, 12, and 13. And 16 and 17.

Page 22 has a quarter-page Macy’s ad.

Pages 26 and 27 are full-page Macy’s ads. So is page 36. And page 41.

By page 20, there were 8 full pages of Macy’s ads (and a few other full-page ads), which I paid $0.50 for.

To me, that’s like commercials before a movie.

---

In addition to all those horrible things that the MTA is going to do next year, add the cutting of service to 24 bus routes (on top of the elimination of 25 bus routes). And the G and M lines will “shorten” (as the W and Z go away forever). And the door-to-door paratransit for the handicapped? Now they’ll get dropped off at the nearest subway or bus stop.

All of these things will be put to a full board vote tomorrow.

I hate the MTA.

---

Ted Estarija of Hayward, California added his 13-year-old son to his cell phone plan.

His son downloaded 1,400,000 kilobytes of data. Estarija was charged for this by Verizon — by the megabyte.

His bill for the month? $21,917.

Verizon has since waived the entire charge. And Estarija has removed his son from his calling plan.

Estarija’s foot, however, remains lodged in his son’s ass.

---

Page 9 is a full-page “article” (50% of which is photos) about KATE’S AB-ULOUS WORKOUT. That’s right, Kate Hudson was in a gym working out (and here’s the proof!). In the first nine pages today, we have 3 full-page ads, 3 pages of Tiger Woods and his floozies (including his first cougar!), Rihanna’s breasts and a page on Kate Hudson’s workout (and the next four pages are Macy’s ads).

Kyle? Your thoughts?

---

Last month, Cuomo was leading Paterson in the polls 75% to 16%.

This month, it’s 67% to 23%.

At this rate, Paterson might win (if the election were held in 3014).

---

…and the Democrats once again give in to Joe Lieberman, gaining them… nothing. And costing Americans… pretty much everything they want.

Fuck you, Joe. But more importantly, fuck all of the bipartisanship-seeking Dems who brought us to this point.

Throw away my voter’s registration, Uncle Sam. I’m done.

---

Charles Hurt criticizes the Dems and their seemingly futile attempts to get health-care reform (“All they care about is a victory so that they can claim to have accomplished something.”).

Ironically, I thought the title of his piece referred to Lieberman (Just win, baby! [Even if the people lose]).

Putz.

---

Kenny Ortega recently backed out as director of the Footloose remake, due to “reported differences with Paramount Pictures.”

I am inconsolable.

---

Fun fact: The character that Alan Arkin plays in The Private Lives of Pippa Lee is based on the director/writer’s father. That director/writer is Mrs. Daniel Day-Lewis, Rebecca Miller. Her father was Arthur Miller.

And you will most likely never see The Private Lives of Pippa Lee.

---

Cindy Adams says that “the sports world” is “muttering about Tiger Woods: ‘We’re hearing Ambien, Vicodin, alcohol.’” Who is she quoting? The sports world.

She later adds (apropos of nothing), “Note to athletes worldwide: Be careful if you enter your hotel room and your ladyfriend turns down your bed and you learn it’s the first thing she’s turned down in years.”

It’s such a comfortable box, Cindy. I promise.

Get in.

---

To the makers of Bumpits:

I know you call them “Bump-Its” but the box says Bumpits. Which is why I will always refer to them as Bum Pits.

Sincerely,

Jed Resnik

---

Turns out the star witness in the falafel-murder case lied.

The new version has the victim pushing the murderer before the murderer murdered the victim.

I still believe the murderer will go to prison. For murder.

---

The $16 statue that was used to bloody up Berlusconi’s face? Almost completely sold out in Milan.

Hilarious.

---

A man in Tyler, Texas called police to tell them someone had broken into his house by kicking in the front door. The police arrived and found the 25-year-old intruder.

He was in the tub.

Nice try, Texas, but South Carolina is still America’s dumbest state.

---

In a follow-up to the story of that guy who punched “Snooki”on Jersey Shore, the Post reports, “Ferro was found guilty of assault, fined $500 and sent to anger-management class.”

Two sentences later, “He has since been found guilty of the simple assault charge.”

There was only ever the one charge. This is a horrible newspaper.

---

Readers write in to complain about Ashley Dupre’s new gig. Maria Moreira calls it “absurd” and “hypocritical” and says it makes “an abominable statement about young women in our country.” Jane Rohr complains that Dupre is “being rewarded for her salacious behavior.” Kathy Callahan is “not amused.” Louis Pioli quips, “Next you can hire a burglar to advise people on how to break into apartments.” Marlene Sable calls Dupre “an amoral laughingstock and an affront to women.”

No one seems to like her.

Poor whore.

---

Citigroup is back down to $3.70 a share.

---

Lou Lumenick spoke to an Oscar campaign consultant who claims that, in protest of the expansion of the Best Picture category to 10 nominees, many Academy members “are talking about only filling in the first five spots.”

If this is true, then here is my humble plea to all of my friends in the entertainment industry: Put World’s Greatest Dad on the ballot. I know it has no chance of winning, but if the Academy is going to choose the 10 films with the most votes — and many will only be nominating five films — then it might actually make the cut.

Please.

---

Is this the worst idea ever?

The Provocateur cafe/nightclub is selling $22 cocktails. Why so pricey? Because they contain Borba cosmetics.

You read that correctly. “The beautifying crystals are mixed into the drinks.”

Why settle for just eating gold (at Serendipity 3 and elsewhere) when you can drink expensive cosmetics, too?

---

Christophe Waltz won the Best Supporting Actor award from both the New York Film Critics Circle and the Los Angeles Film Critics Association.

He will also represent Inglourious Basterds‘ only win at this year’s Oscars.

---

The Nets (2-22) “play” tonight against Cleveland (17-7) .

Tomorrow, they “play” Utah (14-10).

Go, Nets!

---

According to “several sources,” Hideki Matsui is going to be reunited with Bobby Abreu next year.

He’s taking a one-year/$6,500,000 contract with the LAAoA. Assuming he passes his physical.

If this is true, I’m very sad. I really like Matsui. But he wants to play the outfield and we have an embarrassment of outfielders (although, if Damon’s going, too, then we’ll be just about right).

Thanks for the many years of great work, Hideki. Good luck in whatever city the Angels play in.

---

Cliff Lee is going to the Mariners?

Roy Halladay is going to the Phillies?

John Lackey is going to the Red Sox?

So many trades! And the Yankees had no part of them (besides Granderson, of course).

But the off-season is still young…

---

Linda Stasi recommends Better Off Ted, but warns viewers, “Do not wear a white sweater while watching it and drinking Diet Coke like I did.”

Poor Linda Stasi.

---

The Top Comedy Episodes of 2000-20009 (according to the number of viewers) is a list that makes me nauseous.

#10 is the only one I saw — The Carol Burnett Show reunion. #7 is Michael J. Fox’s last episode of Spin City. #5 is the last episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. #4 is the episode of Frasier where Niles tells Daphne he loves her (actually, I think I saw this one, too).

The other spots on the list (#9, 8, 6, 3, 2 and 1) are all episodes of Friends.

Nicely done, America.

---

Tonight is Gordon Ramsay’s Cookalong Live (or, if you’re going by the Post’s TV listings, Gordon Ramsey’s Cookalong Live). If you follow along, you’ll have a delicious 3-course dinner to enjoy with your family once the show is over.

At 10:00 p.m.

---

And that, as McGarnagle would say, is the end of that chapter.

I called Time Warner three times yesterday and their phone was busy every time. So… I guess I’ll be back here tomorrow.

Thank you for reading, and have a lovely evening.