Is Tiger Woods on the cover of today’s paper? Well, of course. But today it’s a Post EXCLUSIVE (are you sitting down?): OUTTA HERE! Tiger’s wife taking kids and leaving lair (which is weird because I thought they lived in a mansion). The 2-page follow-up (on pages 4 and 5) has a photo of moving vans parked outside the Woods estate yesterday and a claim (made by “a source”) that Elin would have already taken the kids but one of them had the flu. He’s better now and she’ll be gone “by Christmas.”

There’s much, much more but I can’t bring myself to care.

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The other front-page story? Lou Lumenick gave Avatar three and a half stars.

Your thoughts, Kyle?

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Kate Hudson appears to have broken up with A-Rod (page 3 news!), which means we may have Chokey McGee back next season.

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Washington, D.C.’s City Council voted to approve same-sex marriages in an 11-2 vote.

When the city that (re-)elected a crackhead mayor behaves more intelligently than most of the rest of the country, it almost makes sense that Sarah Palin has a best-selling “book.”

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Barry Williams, 55 (TV’s Greg Brady), has been granted a restraining order against a “violent” ex-girlfriend, Elizabeth Kennedy, 30. She now has to move out of their old apartment. The couple’s problems began (when she saw his old man balls, b’also) when she lost a beauty contest in August and threatened to kill herself and Williams.

That reminds me — is Peter still married to the woman who was alleged to be America’s Next Top Model?

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Charles Dickens’ gold and ivory — and engraved with the author’s initials — toothpick was sold at auction for $9,150.

On the one hand, it’s a great conversation piece. On the other, that conversation quickly becomes, “Are you retarded? No, seriously, you’re retarded, right?”

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Michael Goodwin is a master of puns that almost require him to write “Huh? Huh?” after them. Barack has no deaf-ense for a tin ear (Huh? Huh?) accuses the POTUS of having a “tin ear for the mood of the country. He often appears clueless about what Americans want.”

And by Americans, he means Michael Goodwin.

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Andrew Cuomo (and the judge who granted the injuction) has ordered all of those UHO folks (the change-seeking beggars with the giant water cooler jugs) to get off the streets.

If you see any UHO folks outside today, call (212) 416-6119. Then sit back and watch your tax dollars at work.

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Vladimir Putin, 57, is the father of a son birthed by Alina Kabaeva, 26. She’s the most decorated gymnast in history, Putin’s possible fiancé, and half-Muslim.

Did you know that there are 30,000,000 Muslims in Russia? Well, there are. And having a half-Muslim first lady might be a wise move.

Not that Putin needs to worry about getting votes (it’s still Russia).

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Morgan Spurlock believes that Harvey Weinstein was wholly responsible for the failure of Spurlock’s 2008 documentary, Where in the World Is Osama bin Laden? (because Weinstein booked the film on very few screens and spent less on promoting the film than he did on pants with non-elastic waists).

Kyle Smith asked Spurlock why Weinstein would sabotage his own movie and Spurlock’s (alleged) response was, “I just think it tested so high… why would he buy a clothing company?”

Touché.

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Jessica Simpson went to see her sister “perform” in Chicago on Broadway and asked someone in the lobby where she could get popcorn.

Stupidity is the new black.

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Cindy Adams still isn’t dead.

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Oral Roberts, on the other hand, is.

I wonder if Hell is as he imagined it.

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A 2-page spread explains that, because Robert Mugabe is an “honored guest” at the climate summit, the entire thing is “really a sham.”

Good to know.

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Oh, man. I wish I could hear the labored explanation(s) to the passengers that this wasn’t part of the show.

A murder-mystery dinner theater train ride in Florida hit a snag.

And by snag, I mean a man lying on the train tracks.

For $75, passengers were promised a five-course dinner, a scenic train ride and some dinner theater.

As a bonus, they became accomplices to murder.

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As an early holiday present, I won’t tell you what Mr. Peters has to say today. You’re welcome.

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And speaking of the holidays. if you’re able to grab a copy of today’s Post, it’s worth the $0.50 for no other reason than page 55.

It’s a full-page ad for Bill O’Reilly’s year-old memoir, A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity. And the headline at the top of the ad?

Give something bold and fresh this holiday season.

I guess we know what side Broadway Books is taking in the War on Christmas.

Happy holidays, Bill!

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Citigroup is down to $3.56 a share.

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Michael Riedel tells us that the next Broadway musical based on a non-musical film might just be… Elf?!?

Maybe my musical adaptation of Look Who’s Still Talking Even Now! might have legs…

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The Nets… lose! Again! 2-23!

Do it again, tonight, boys!

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Paul Schwartz explains “How Jints will make playoffs” in Joining the ‘in crowd.

Please stop teasing my father, Paul.

(Jints = NY Giants)

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Michael Starr warns his readers: “Clicking on your holiday greeting is 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.”

It takes him 30 seconds to click on something? Maybe someone should get him some glasses (or DSL) for the holidays.

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Fair and balanced reporting about a FOX TV show: “Fox’s Glee danced off with three Golden Globe nominations yesterday, cementing its status as one of the season’s hottest shows.”

So now getting nominated for some Golden Globes is proof that your show/movie is hot? Really?

I wish I had a copy of this.

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Until tomorrow, kids, try to stay warm.