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Off to a horrible start.

18th December
2009
written by jed

Well, our vacation is set to begin at around 5:30 tonight. Our flight is tomorrow afternoon. During an alleged blizzard.

I checked into switching flights with one leaving today/tonight… the cheapest penalty would be $1200 (give or take) and most flights include stop-overs that would expand the travel time (in hours) well into the double digits. So, for the chance to wander the Seattle airport for 5 hours tonight, I would only need to pony up another $2100.

I can’t imagine why the airlines are always in financial trouble and loathed by their customers…

On top of that, Teresa’s health is wonky (nothing too severe, but still wildly unpleasant).

And it’s freezing. And I still have no internet at home (but Time Warner’s a-comin’ on the 28th!).

Quite frankly, I’m OK with spending some time in the airport tomorrow afternoon. I’ll get to watch people yell at each other (and maybe even a movie or two on my trusty laptop with Teresa). Better that than tripling the cost of our flight.

2009 has proven to be a jerk. I sincerely hope that 2010 brings us some good news. Otherwise, I’m going to have to start selling crack…

…erjacks at CitiField.

Since I have mad chores to do, yo, I’m-a try to do this quick-like. Here we go.

Tiger plays golf — at night! I can’t wait to read more about this on page 5!

The other cover story is WEST SIDE GORY, which (despite being horribly tragic) has an incredibly amusing twist: Hector Quinones, 44, fatally shot Carlos Rodriguez Jr., 24, and Carlos Rodriguez Sr., 52. Then he stabbed Carlos Sr.’s father, Fernando Gonzalez, 87, to death. Then Gisela Rodriguez, 49, and her daughter, Leyanis, 28, entered the apartment and saw what was going on. Quinones shot Gisela (grazing her head) and chased Leyanis, but tripped over his baggy pants. Gisela managed to call for help and Quinones tried to flee down the fire escape.

He again tripped over his baggy pants and fell three stories to his death.

Between this story and the yutz whose gun jammed because he was holding it all cool-like, it looks like rap culture supports Darwin’s theories.

Page 5 marks the first time in seemingly forever that the Post’s Tiger Woods coverage is limited to one page (in addition to the front page). Tiger’s lonely days of cereal, ‘toons — and night golf begins, “After all that time cavorting with an endless stream of floozies, Tiger Woods is now just a sad lone wolf.”

The Post continues to float the idea that Woods is self-destructive and profoundly depressed… while continuing to put crap like this on their front page. Hypocritastic!

Hugo Chavez spoke at Copenhagen, therefore global warming is some farcicalscam concocted to make Al Gore rich.

Bill Clinton says about health-care reform, “Allowing this effort to fall short now would be a colossal blunder.”

As much as it kills me to admit it, I kind of agree. Even though the current bill is awful.

Shellie Ross loves Twitter. A lot. She has 5,000 subscribers to her Twitter feed. Here’s what her Monday Twatting looked like:

@ 5:23 p.m.: Fog is rolling in thick scared the birds back in the coop

@ 6:12 p.m.: Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool (tweeted from emergency room)

@ 8:08 p.m.: Remembering my million dollar baby

Twitter allows you to follow the drowning death of a 2-year-old in real time! What a time to be alive!

The former personal assistant of Keenan Ivory Wayans, Marlon Wayans and Shawn Wayans (Jared Edwards) claims that the three brothers (I’m not being racist — they are, in fact, brothers) stole his manuscript (You Know You’re a Golddigger When…) and turned it into 101 Ways to Know You’re a Golddigger, which they took all the credit for (after insisting to Edwards that his book had no chance of being published).

That’s a low-down dirty shame.

Congratulations, James Bain, 54! You’re out of jail after 35 years! For a crime that you didn’t commit!

“No, I’m not angry,” Bain told the press. “Because I’ve got God.”

God took his sweet-ass time, though, didn’t he?

Good thing the world hasn’t changed too much since 1974.

The only people dumber than Sarah Palin are those who take her at her word(s).

On the McCain visor she wore recently (which had McCain’s name blacked out with a Sharpie), she explains that she was merely trying “to be incognito.” She also said, “I am so sorry if people took this silly incident the wrong way. I adore John McCain, support him 100 percent and will do everything I can to support his re-election. As everyone knows, I was honored and proud to run with him. And Todd and I were with him in DC just a week ago. So much for trying to be incognito.”

1) Someone please attempt to teach her what “incognito” means.

2) The easiest way to support McCain’s re-election is for Palin to shut the fuck up.

3) You betcha.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck asked Stanley Tucci if his wife saw The Lovely Bones. Tucci’s wife died last May.

Hasselbeck is the White Sherri Shepherd.

Michael Lohan was thrown in jail for violating a restraining order against him. Three days later, Erin Muller (who had the restraining order placed against him) turned herself in to the police for “kicking Lohan in the head.”

Thanks, Page Six (today on page 25)!

Is one of the Jonas Brothers getting married tomorrow?

Sure, why not.

Cindy Adams defies the natural order of things by continuing to breathe.

The Melt Bar & Grilled (a restaurant in Lakewood, Ohio restaurant that specializes in grilled-cheese sandwiches) is offering a lifetime 25% discount to anyone that gets a tattoo of a grilled-cheese sandwich.

It’s worth noting that, if you buy butter, bread and cheese and cook it at home, you’ll get a 90% discount.

A Chinese police captain has been suspended.

One of his off-duty officers died by choking to death on his own vomit during a bachelor party.

The captain attempted to declare the officer a “martyr” who died in the line of duty (allowing his family better benefits).

The captain is expected to be found guilty of compassion and sentenced to die by firing squad. His family will be billed for the bullets.

Jacob Gershman expects me to believe that Paterson can defeat Cuomo.

He’s not very smart.

Ralph Peters insists that CyperPeace Is Not Russia’s Goal (I think he meant CyberPeace, but you can never tell with this buffoon).

He’s also not very smart. Or young.

The editorial More Lies From the Loon laughs at Al Gore, calling him “Goofy Gore” (which proves that global warming is all a sham).

Eight (8) people wrote in to hate on Chuck Schumer because he said “bitch.”

Good thing nothing else is going on in the world.

Bill O’Reilly gives us Partying With the Prez.

“This year, I was lucky enough to get an invitation to the White House media holiday party, which would’ve been called a Christmas party if U.S. Grant were still president.”

And Obama would have been killed for looking at a White woman. Good times, Bill. Good times.

B’also, what did Bush call the media holiday party?

And happy holidays to you and your loofah!

Citigroup is now at $3.20 a share.

Movie reviews!

Lou Lumenick gives Nine one and a half stars (“Looks: 3, music: 2, script: 1″).

Kyle Smith gives Did You Hear About the Morgans? three stars (“Veddy amusing.”) and The Young Victoria three stars (“Vixen Victoria.”).

Sadly, there are no new Pete Hammond blurbs.

The Nets have a “game” tonight. Will they become 2-25?

Probably!

Curtis Granderson is a New York Yankee.

Nick Johnson is on the verge of following suit (one year for $5,500,000 — that’s $500,000 less than the Angels gave Matsui).

A-Rod’s MRI came back and he doesn’t need any more surgery. Now we just need to get him back together with Kate Hudson…

The Real World is heading back to New Orleans (2000’s Season 9 was set there).

This is in direct response to the citizen who looked at all the destruction Katrina caused and asked “How could it possibly get worse?”

Linda Stasi declares that “[the] Kardashians are [the] new Osbournes.”


If you say so, crazy lady.

Ashton Kutcher is putting the five completed episodes of Mischa Barton’s The Beautiful Life on YouTube (only 2 of them ever aired).

Why stop there? Break them up into Twitter posts!

OK. I have no idea what the next week and change will be like writing-wise. Will I find the Post in Brentwood? Possibly. Will I want to spend hours writing when it’s sunny out? Prolly not. But who knows?

I know I’ll have something to say (many somethings, most likely) before the new year, so this isn’t a good-bye.

It’s a Happy Holidays and a See ya ’round.

Until next time, peeps, I bid you adieu.

And encourage you to pray for a lack of snow tomorrow.

Dailies

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