Did you know that you can’t find the New York Post in Brentwood, CA (not the OJ one) or San Francisco? Well, you can’t. Which served me well — it gave me time to reflect on just how mediocre and poorly researched/written it is. Not reading it every morning made me happier and I’m fairly certain it also made me smarter.

But now I’m back in the city so nice they named it twice and I’m itching to find out what’s going on. I have no television (and for the time being, I have no internet or phone either), so I can’t get news from there. I once tried reading those free papers they hand out by the subway entrances, but that’s like trying to learn Spanish by eating a taco (forgive me, I haven’t written in a while — my metaphors may not actually be metaphors). And every other paper is either more expensive (New York Times) or written by inmates at a juvenile facility (Daily News), so I’m kind of stuck with the Post.

Sigh.

I got Sunday’s paper at the airport and yesterday’s at my local deli. I’ll cover those now (in an abbreviated fashion). Then I’m going to put on m’jacket and head out to my favorite coffee shop (I’m writing this in Word and will post it before starting today’s entry on today’s paper). Get cozy, kids.

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SUNDAY

Whole lot about the underwear (almost-)bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. And all of it makes the TSA (and most of our “intelligence” agencies) look stupid. How this guy smuggled the bomb (and the syringe used to “ignite” it) onto a plane (without going through a body scan), I don’t know. And now they’re saying he might not have even had a passport! And he was on a terrorism watch-list! And his father warned the U.S. that his son might be a terrorist — MONTHS AGO!

So infuriating.

On the plus side, this happened on the 25th and we flew home on the 27th. I expected the worst at SFO, but was surprised by how blase everyone seemed to be. Sure, international passengers had some extra hoops to jump through, but Teresa and I eased through and had plenty of time to spare. Plus, we were allowed to go to the bathroom during the last hour of the flight. And we got a movie (Shorts is pretty awful, but it’s better than the movie we go on the flight to Cali — Bandslam).

The more I read about Umar, the angrier I get at my country’s half-assed security.

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Charlie Sheen has great taste in hookers, but terrible taste in spouses.

His new one called the cops on him and claimed he attacked her with a knife. On Christmas Day. Which she later amended. And now refuses to talk about.

He faces domestic assault charges and was released on $8,500 bail, or two and a half minutes of his salary from Two and a Half Men.

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Ivana Trump was removed from a LGA-bound Delta flight after a baby started crying and she started screaming at the baby. And then at other passengers. And the crew. And the TSA agent who removed her.

I can’t believe her last husband lasted 20 months.

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More on the aftermath of the undie-bomber (TNT-whiteys?).

Maria, a 31-year-old teacher from Liverpool, England on the new rules: “There was no entertainment on a seven-hour flight. There were no movies and no radio. They locked the bathrooms an hour before we landed and we weren’t allowed to get up. I want to be safe but this guy created havoc. I want some entertainment, at least.”

I guess she hasn’t seen Bandslam.

Jacen Diaz, 21, of the Dominican Republic: “One guy did something and we’re all paying for it. This is too much. My time is valuable.”

Then stay in Haiti, Jac.

Todd Venezia of the New York Post on Umar’s bomb: “What a package it was.”

I see what you did there.

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Full page ad on page 8.

ATTENTION!

STARTING JANUARY 1ST, TIME WARNER CABLE MAY STOP CARRYING FOX 5…

YOU COULD MISS THE GIANTS NEXT SUNDAY

Oh noes! Who will blink first? Is Rupert really going to accept millions of New Yorkers not being able to watch quality programming like TMZ and American Idol and Which Dwarf Wants to Marry This Dwarf?

(by the way, Rupe, ix-nay on the iants-jay).

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Jon Gosselin claims that someone broke into his apartment and shredded his wardrobe and furniture. He says it was Hailey Glassman. I claim he’s making it up in the hopes of getting some sympathy.

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Abel Ferrara’s next movie?

An adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Starring 50 Cent and Forest Whitaker.

Oof.

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EXCLUSIVE 2-page story about Dick Clark and his desire to appear on his New Year’s Eve special (which the Post refers to as “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” despite its actual name, Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve), “even though some critics and viewers would prefer the wheelchair-bound stroke victim sign off for good.”

Clark says, “Obviously, a majority of the on-air work is handled by Ryan, but I’m given the chance to join in and most appreciate it.”

And in a sidebar, Michael Starr says, “the prospect of watching the now-80-year-old Clark slurring his words again is disturbing.” He later adds, “But perhaps it’s time for him to gracefully exit and focus his energies on running his media empire.”

Perhaps he should not appear on TV or run a media empire? Perhaps he should retire? Perhaps?

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Five beautiful words: “Michael Goodwin… is off today.”

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The mashgiach (kosher-food supervisor) at Montefiore Medical Center, Robert Frank, has been fired after claiming that their cafeteria serves non-kosher food to patients and tells them its kosher.

Which makes Frank a kosher whistle-blower (shofar-blower?).

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VOICES OF THE DECADE picks ten people to discuss ten major events of the last ten years. And who is discussing the Spitzer scandal? Ashley Dupre. “Looking back, I don’t look at it as a negative. I’m going to take it and try to turn it into a positive — re-evaluate myself, go to therapy and learn more about myself as a person.”

Let me save you the time and money, Ash. You’re a whore.

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Kyle Smith attacks the Obama administration (again) for trying to help fix the current problems facing air-travellers, referring to them (the administration) as an “administration fond of awarding senior posts to those who enthusiastically quote Chairman Mao.”

Stay classy, Kyle.

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Anisha Lakhani claims that New York’s snazziest private schools are giving too much homework and teachings things too complex for young minds. “Sixth Graders at Horace Mann read A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” she complains.

If she knew the fifth grade (sorry, Fifth Grade) social studies curriculum, she’d plotz.

I hope you’re proud of yourself, Mom.

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Mandy Stadtmiller lists “75 things we loved about the last year of the decade” and at #1?

Leotards.

Reed Tucker lists the ten “BEST MOVIE LINES OF ‘09″ and at #1?

“I love my babies. Why would I want to push them away from me?”

Don’t recognize it? That’s because it’s from Away We Go, which no one saw (production budget: $17,000,000; worldwide total gross after 77 days of release: $10,219,669).

Well done, Mandy. You too, Reed.

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Ask Ashley

My wife likes to watch lesbian porn. Do you think she’d actually like to try it? I wouldn’t mind watching, so should I ask her? If so, how? — Joe B.

Ashley: “Of course you wouldn’t mind watching your wife get it on with another woman! What guy wouldn’t?”

Me: “Your wife is gay.”

I think my 15-year-old daughter is having sex. I think it’s too young. Do you? — Anonymous, Long Island

Ashley: “If you forbid her from having sex and seeing this guy, she’ll just rebel against you. By accepting it, and giving her the tools she needs to fully understand what she’s doing, you’ll be one step ahead as the parent rather than one step behind if she were to come to you and say she’s pregnant.”

Me: “Despite what the whore says, there are more options besides your antagonism making her rebel or giving her condoms and your blessing. But the first step is not asking a whore how to raise a sexually promiscuous teenager.”

I’m an African-American guy who prefers white women. Is there any way for me to tell whether they’d be interested in dating a black man before I approach them? — Patrice, 26, Manhattan

Ashley: “There is no way to tell.”

Me: “Avoid Klan rallies and Tea Parties and you should be fine.”

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V.A. Musetto lists his ten favorite films of the last ten years.

#10: Talk to Her (contains nudity)

#9: The Death of Mr. Lazarescu (contains nudity)

#8: 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days (contains nudity)

#7: Let the Right One In (contains nudity)

#6: In the City of Sylvia (?)

#5: Werkmeister Harmonies (?)

#4: Mulholland Dr. (contains nudity)

#3: Lilya 4-ever (contains nudity)

#2: Oldboy (contains Asian nudity)

#1: In the Mood for Love (contains Asian nudity)

The New York Post’s film editor, everybody.

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The Nets lost some more! They are now 2-28!

Holy moly!

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The Post lists the 10 WORST TEAMS OF THE DECADE and the 2009 Nets didn’t make the cut(?!?).

The 2004 Mets came in at #4. The 2003 Mets came in at #3. The 2009 Mets came in at #1.

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MONDAY

Today’s front page is split down the middle. On the left, Jets stay alive. On the right, AIR FEAR HIGH 25 more bomber fiends lurk.

That’s right, “police yesterday said they fear that 25 British-born Muslims are plotting to bomb Western airliners.”

Which is why Joe Lieberman insists we should go to war with Britain.

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Hailey Glassman says she didn’t trash Jon Gosselin’s apartment. “A source” says that TMZ was called before the police were called.

Gosselin’s attorney scoffed at the accusation. “It’s extremely perplexing and incredulous that [Glassman] would acknowledge that she wrote the note that was speared with a butcher’s knife … and yet she disclaims that she trashed the apartment.”

Those are some big words. Most of them even exist in the English language!

I called this, peeps.

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South Carolina Rep. James Clyburn (the third-highest-ranked House Democrat) told Face the Nation that he’d be OK with dropping the public option from the health-care reform bill.

I want to mail everyone in South Carolina a giant box of poo, but, sadly, that’s against the law.

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Charlie Sheen and his wife are going to counseling.

Good luck with that, kids.

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How is Cindy Adams still alive?

Today she features various predictions from various psychics. From Paula Roberts:

“Iraq: Moves towards peaceful land split by ethnic grouping.”

“Afghanistan: Signs of victory in eight months. (This I personally doubt, but in 20 years, Paula’s been right repeatedly. However, she doesn’t specify victory for whom — America, Afghanistan, Obama, Republicans, the Kurds, the turds, the nerds, who?)”

I like how the Republicans and America aren’t on the same side (though neither are America and Obama).

From Wendy:

“Britney Spears, whose checkbook is enkarging, steals boy-toy Jesus from Madonna.”

“Michael Douglas exits starring roles for director/producer status.”

(um… he’s been producing movies since 1975 — when he won the Oscar for One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest — and he produced Wall Street 2… which he stars in)

“Kirstie Alley and Chaz (nee Chastity) Bono an item???????”

If you’re asking me, the answer is no. If you’re telling me, then the answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“Harry Connick Jr. plays a villain in a film, and it’s a lucky new career direction.”

(um… he did that in Copycat… in 1995… Wendy, do you even know what IMDB.com is?)

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Yet another full-page ad (on page 15) threatening the removal of FOX from Time Warner Cable.

And, despite last Sunday’s embarrassing loss, they’re still using next Sunday’s Giants game as a selling point.

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A Rockland couple is suing the New York Archdiocese for preventing their daughter from attending a Catholic preschool.

They claim religious persecution.

Because their beliefs don’t allow their daughter to get vaccinations (but it does allow them to sue the church).

I’m going to have to side with the Archdiocese on this one.

Eyew.

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Page 24 is a full-page response to page 15 from Time Warner Cable.

They say Rupert wants “massive price increases” on all of the FOX channels. But here’s something that I find fascinating: the list of channels “at risk in your area” contains WNYW, WWOR, FX, Fuel, Speed Channel, Fox Reality Channel, Fox Soccer Channel and Fox Sports en Español.

Have you noticed what isn’t on the list? That’s right: Fox News Channel and Fox Business Channel.

Muy interesante.

Big ups to the Post for running the ad regardless.

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The city says it’s going to overhaul the way blood tests are given to suspected DUI/DWI drivers.

I’ll believe it when I see it.

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Michelle Malkin-Picasso complains about how Democrats are accepting “sleazy bribes and pork payoffs” but admits that this practice “didn’t start with their health-care-takeover bill.”

“Go back to January and February.”

Because, as we all know, THAT’S when the practice began.

Get in Cindy’s box, uggles. And bring all of your Halliburton stock.

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“MOVIES DON’T GET ANY FUNNIER THAN THIS! Smart, sophisticated and hilarious.”

That’s Pete Hammond on It’s Complicated.

And Francine Brokaw (of Family Magazine Group) calls Alvin and the Chimpmunks: The Squeakquel “THE PERFECT FAMILY HOLIDAY COMEDY.”

Thanks for the tips, shills!

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According to Swiss researchers, men who don’t confront bosses who mistreat them double their risk of a heart attack.

And that those who do confront their bosses increase their chances of being fired by 95-100%.

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The Post’s 10 BEST TEAMS OF THE DECADE ranks the 2000 Mets at #10, the 2003 Yankees at #7, the 2001 Yankees at #6, the 2000 Yankees at #5 and the 2009 Yankees at #2. The 2007 Giants got #1.

Recount!

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OMG! Did one of the women on this season of The Bachelor fool around with one of the show’s crew members? Yes! Will this get me interested enough to watch The Bachelor? No!

“The episode where the hanky-packy is revealed is set to air in late January, according to reports.”

Wait. There’s hanky-packy? NOW I’m interested!

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What’s on MTV tonight? Music! Music! Music!

At 7:00, it’s Jersey Shore! At 8:00 and 8:30, it’s South Park! Then at 9:00, it’s the Cage/Jolie flick Gone in 60 Seconds! Followed by Gone in 60 Seconds at 11:30!

So! Much! Music!

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Part Two will begin being writ… now.