It just occurred to me that two days after the underwear (almost-)bomber struck, I went through airport security and no one caressed my junk.

I’m writing an angry letter to my Congresspeoples.

Having said that, let’s see what’s happening in my world this morning (/afternoon).

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How many dick/underwear jokes can you fit on the head of a pin?

And by head of a pin, I mean front page of the Post.

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE snarks the headline, followed by Air bomber’s blast-packing undies are the real hot pants. They are accompanied by photos of the bomb and undies (totes NSFW) and the beginning of the page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six) story, which begins: “Call them Jihad Jockeys.”

Yes. Let’s.

Other hilarious plays on words include “frighty whities” and “Air bomber’s shorts fuse“ and “undie-cover plan” and I can’t stop laughing.

And by stop I mean start.

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Ah. Here’s the rub.

The folks who took credit are “a Yemeni al Qaeda faction — whose masterminds had been released from Guantanimo Bay” (I think the Post means Guantanamo Bay).

Which is why Lieberman has a hard-on for war against Yemen (the judges also would have accepted “all the free Viagara he gets from Big Pharma” to explain his boner).

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Police say that Charlie Sheen’s wife (did you know that her name is Brooke Mueller? If so, why?) told them that Charlie held a knife to her throat while he pinned her to their bed and threatened to kill her — because she wanted a divorce.

“You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you,” (allegedly) said Sheen. “Your mother’s money means nothing. I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won’t leave any trace.”

But she later recanted and now refuses to help with the investigation.

I have trouble believing Charlie said “in fear” instead of “afraid” or “scared.”

Case dismissed.

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Now they’re claiming that Tiger Woods’ affairs (and nothing else) are the reason(s) that the folks he did endorsements for have lost $12,000,000,000 in value (though Accenture gained $307,000,000).

Welp, if it’s in print, it must be true!

Shame on you, Tiger!

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Great photo of Nadja Green on page 5. She’s a guard at Rikers Island. She was assigned to the infirmary. She got sleepy.

One of her fellow officers snapped this photo with his phone. While a convicted felon posed next to her gun and keys.

Your tax dollars at rest.

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Hey, Charles “Reason Makes What Passes For My Brain” Hurt! Guess what! President Obama is not the first POTUS to use a TelePrompTer! Enough already! Either find something legitimate to criticize about him (which really shouldn’t be difficult, even for an idiot like you) or shut the fuck up.

Take yer pick.

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Gawker.com referred to Joe “Girls Gone Wild” Francis as “a rapist” while awarding him the winner of their “Douche of the Decade” poll (he got 32% of the 9,000 cast votes). So he’s suing them for $10,000,000. Here’s an excerpt of Joe’s angry letter to Gawker:

“I lost a $10 million deal as a direct result of you calling me ‘a rapist.’ You will be paying me every dime of that back and more! Are you mentally retarded? Do your research first. I am coming after you harder than I ever went after anyone. I am going to wipe you off the grid!!!! YOU ARE DONE!”

Um, Joe? If you lost $10,000,000 (cough cough bullshit cough cough), then suing them for $10,000,000 will gain you (at best) $10,000,000. Not more than that. Even the mentally retarded can handle math like that.

And to clarify, Francis has never been accused of rape, but in 2006, an 18-year-old told the L.A. Times that she was “pressured into having sex with him on the back of the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ bus.”

What a douche.

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I find it fascinating that I saw a (pretty sweet) trailer for Angelina Jolie’s new thriller Salt over a month ago — but it’s still shooting in NYC.

Did I dream it?

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Levi (14:52… 14:53… 14:54…) Johnston plans to fight the Palin brood for custody of his child with Bristol Palin.

Bristol told the court that Levi used his Twitter account to find some “weed.”

Which I’m pretty sure is the name of their child.

Johnston says he doesn’t have a Twitter account.

Whatever happens, their kid is fucked with a capital fucked.

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Some blogger said that Max Baucus (whom I have no love [or even like] for) was drunk when he gave a speech. Drudge ran with it. Now it appears in the Post.

Is it true? Nope. But it’s still on page 14 of today’s paper.

Well played, horrible newspaper!

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Mayor Bloomberg has approved the renaming of a street in Queens for Sean Bell.

Remember Sean Bell? He got shot by undercover cops as he tried to run them over.

I guess Bloomberg doesn’t want a fourth term.

Yet.

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Cindy Adams (who really needs to get in the box) will be spending New Year’s in Patagona, Chile.

Let’s hope nothing trivial happens to her.

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I guess they set up a giant shredder in Times Square yesterday? To commemorate Good Riddance Day?

O… K…

People got a chance to shred things… to help forget them?

There are photos of a woman shredding a piece of paper with “Credit Card DEBT!!” written on it (I wonder if she still has the debt) and Gillian Lyons, 23, of Brooklyn showing the Post the picture she drew of her ex-boyfriend along with the caption “Brastmaster” (I can see why he left).

They estimate that over 200 people took part in whatever the Hell you’d call yesterday’s event.

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Thank you, Argentina, for allowing two gay men to get married.

Maybe one day most Americans will pull the Bible out of their collective asses and follow suit.

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O rips Tehran tyrants

Demands Iran halt bloody crackdown

This is on page 20.

I guess the Good Riddance Day story was more important.

 

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What’s that smell?

Oh. Ralph Peters is back. Today, he explains that our lack of hysteria is helping terrorists.

“On Christmas Day, a Muslim attempted to butcher hundreds of Christians (dead Jews would’ve been a bonus).”

Have I said “fuck you”to you lately, Ralph? Well, just to be safe, fuck you.

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Bill O’Reilly named John McCain as his “Person of the Year”?!?

And which year was that exactly, Bill?

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Trump Entertainment Resorts filed for bankruptcy in February 2009. Its assets were estimated at $2,000,000,000.

Guess what they are now.

$459,000,000.

Poor The Donald.

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Citigroup is up $0.04, bringing it to $3.39.

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Lou Lumenick and Kyle Smith debate their favorite films of the last decade.

Kyle picks Amélie (great movie, his #6), A.I. (awful movie that tops his list), United 93 (it ranks second, but only because Sarah Palin hasn’t made a movie yet), Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (#3, “one of the most stirringly patriotic movies ever made,” which makes me think he didn’t hear the question correctly). Team America: World Police is #8 (!), Inglourious Basterds is #9 (!!) and Almost Famous is #10 (!!!). Kyle is a terrible person and even worse film critic.

Lou fares better in my eyes. His #1 is The Royal Tenenbaums, #3 is Zodiac, and #6 is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Sadly, The 25th Hour is his #2 (???), A.I. is #5, Almost Famous is #7 (??), and United 93 is #8.

B’oo.

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I have played 0 games during this NBA season.

The Nets have played 31.

I have won 0 games.

The Nets have won 2.

2-29 is no way to go through life, son.

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Today’s sports list is the 10 WORST PLAYERS OF THE DECADE.

The Mets’ Victor Zambrano is #10, Mo Vaughn is #8 and Roberto Alomar is #2.

The Jets’ Vernon Gholstonis #9 and Brett Farve is #6.

The Knicks can claim #5 (Stephon Marbury) and #3 (Eddy Curry and Jerome James tied!).

And the Yankees get the #4 slot (Carl “The Great Pavumpkin” Pavano) and the #1 slot (Kei Igawa).

Tomorrow will be the 10 best. I wonder how many Mets will make the list (tee hee).

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Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning apologized to Giants fans for their awful 2009 season.

That’s sweet.

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Linda Stasi points out that Tiger Woods had a dust-up with his wife on Thanksgiving night and that Charlie Sheen was arrested on Christmas Day for allegedly attacking his wife.

“Maybe they should change the those lyrics to “God Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen.”

I see what you did, Linda. Now get a towel and clean it up.

But she is correct in saying that Sheen (who has a looooong history of hitting women, doing drugs and hitting/doing hookers) seems to be getting (yet another) free pass.

Well of course he is! His father was the President of the United States! And his name was Jed!

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CNN’s ratings are down 30% in 2009.

MSNBC is down 12%.

Fox News? Well, the Post isn’t going to say anything bad/accurate about their ratings, so all I know is that their “primetime numbers” are up 7%.

Fair, balanced.

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Tyra Banks announced that this will be the last season of The Tyra Banks Show.

Condolences and flowers should be sent to Joel McHale at E!.

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It’s another evening of music over at MTV:

At 6:30, enjoy Decade of Cribs! At 8:00 and 8:30, it’s more South Park! Then get ready for back-to-back-to-back episodes of Teen Mom at 9:00, 10:00 and 11:00!

So! Much! Music!

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That’ll do it for today. Time to grocery shop.

Much love to everyone who is still with me here (especially those who bug their friends to visit — especially if their initials are BO’C).

See you tomorry.

Wait! BREAKING NEWS! Karl Rove’s second wife (of 24 years) is filing for divorce!

B’also! Raj Rajaratnam is accused of tasing his employees (he asked for volunteers and paid them $5,000) and hiring a dwarf to pull pranks. “That same year, employees arrived at Galleon’s morning meeting to a surprise: In the conference room was a dwarf whom Mr. Rajaratnam introduced as an analyst hired to cover ’small-cap’ stocks. He was, in fact, an actor hired for an April Fool’s Day gag.”

I hope there’s more in tomorrow’s paper! G’night!