Yesterday night, I walked down the street with four heavy bags of groceries (that’s how I do). It was easily the coldest and windiest day of 2009 (just under the wire!), which is why I was walking to the subway instead of waiting for a bus. As I descended the reason it’s called Park Slope, the wind blew my hat down over my eyes. But I couldn’t put my bags down, so I walked like Chuck Barris down the hill, leaning my head back to see where I was headed.

I fought the urge to tell passers-by that “this next act (clap hands) is a really (clap hands) uh… wow (clap hands).”

Today isn’t as bad.

Let’s do this.

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Three features on today’s cover:

Do or die: Jets set to ’swamp’ Bengals gives false hope to its readers, continuing the myth that the Jets have a shot at any semblance of glory this season.

Naked truth! features a large photo of Vera Farmiga and George Clooney and proclaims “Her nude scene [in Up in the Air] has a twist.” For more details, turn to Page Six (today on page 12). Can’t wait.

Oddly, Vera and George get the lion’s share of the cover, leaving ‘WE BLEW IT’ in second place. More oddly, the headline doesn’t refer to anyone involved in the Tiger Woods scandal. It’s a direct quote from Obama referencing the “al Qaeda crotch bomber” (the Post does it again!) and his ability to smuggle a bomb onto a US airliner. It also references how the CIA has been tracking the would-be-terrorist (to things besides his junk) since August.

Since this is the Post, we’ll pretend that this is entirely Obama’s fault. Just as 9/11 was entirely Clinton’s fault and just like the current economic wasteland might have had something to do with Bush, but why keep looking backwards?

Will someone please start a literate and bipartisan daily newspaper in Windsor Terrace?

I promise I’ll buy it (if there’s Sudoku).

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Well, the “special Senate panel” that is currently mulling over whether or not Hiram Monserrate should keep his job has released a “damning” report that finds that Hiram has not accepted responsibility for his despicable actions against his “girlfriend” (my current facial expression is mock shock [shmock?]).

Does this mean Hiram is headed towards expulsion? Possibly.

Hopefully.

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Remember Nadja Green, 30, the sleepy Rikers guard?

She got 30 days of suspension for falling asleep on the job. It was the SECOND time she did this.

And the guard who took the picture? 30 days of suspension (cellphones aren’t allowed in the facility).

Enjoy the vay-cay, Nadja and her also-incompetent co-worker!

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The guy who tried to blackmail David Letterman is claiming that he’s no more a criminal than Rachel Uchitel, who is featured in the accompanying photo wearing a bikini (with a diamond skull on the mons pubis area!). He just wanted hush money. You know, for his silence.

Now THAT’S a solid defense.

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Horses that pull carriages in Central Park are now required by law to get 5 weeks of vacation per year.

That’s nice… if it’s paid vacation.

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“Of course there are a number of al Qaeda operatives in Yemen and some of their leaders. We realize this danger. They may actually plan attacks like the one we have just had in Detroit. There are maybe hundreds of them — 200, 300.”

No, that isn’t a Joe Lieberman quote. The person who said that is actually Abu Bakr al-Qirbi. He’s the Yemeni foreign minister.

I like the “of course” that starts the sentence. Like “of course we have people plotting the death of America here! Duh!”

It’s also nice of Abu to say that the attack in Detroit affected Yemen as much as it did the U.S. (what do you mean we, pal?)

Also on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six), is the continuation of the cover story, now titled O furious over botch in security. Among the “other developments” listed as responses to the almost terrorist attack (I think from now on, I will refer to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab as “Jim Carrey-on” in honor of his intended target and the movie Liar, Liar [after all, he did set his pants on fire]): The U.S. and Yemen “are looking at fresh targets in Yemen for a potential retaliatory strike over the foiled bombing”; Chuck Schumer wants TSA personnel stationed in foreign airports; al Qaeda is suspected of practicing smuggling explosives through European airports; and (this is my favorite) “MTA police stepped up patrols and random bag inspections on commuter rails and major stations.”

Why would the terrorists strike the MTA? What could they possibly do to make our public transportation more dangerous/less reliable?

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B’also? The suspected reason that Jim Carrey-on did what he did? SEX TORMENT DROVE HIM NUTS (another pun about testicles? Someone’s angling for a Pulitzer!).

See, he was lonely. And horny.

Poor Jim Carrey-on.

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Michael Goodwin is back (and sleazier than ever)!

Wanted: A new Bam for the new year begins “When I say ‘Happy New Obama Year,’ let me be clear: I mean we need a new President Obama in the new year. And let me respond by wishing you a Happy New Post Columnists Who Aren’t Borderline Retarded Year. Sadly, I think we’re both stuck with what we currently have.

Gilly’s good for nothing, so let’s just get rid of her calls for the ousting of Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (duh) and HAIL THE CRIME STOPPERS congratulates the NYPD for the lowest number of murders in 50 years (give or take).

But the crown jewel of today’s page is Bush bash stops here. I will now transcribe it in its entirety (all four sentences):

YOU have to marvel at the chutzpah of President Obama’s handlers. After complaining that Republicans were attacking their boss over the security lapses on the Christmas bomb plot, White House aides helpfully noted the system was designed under President George W. Bush. Good thing they got that in under the wire. Come Jan. 1, the statute of limitations expires on blaming Bush.

I guess there wasn’t room to mention that Obama uses a TelePrompTer.

B’also? Credit where credit is due, Mike. Regardless of whatever make-believe limits you put on the shelf-life of facts.

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I owe Mac Antigua an apology. For years (years!) he has insisted (along with various other friends of mine) that I should be watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I watched it once years ago and thought it was mediocre (at best).

Over the last two months, Teresa and I have been plowing through all five seasons. Mac was right. This show is a breath of fresh comedic air. We just watched the episode where Dee and Charlie each do a brief stand-up set.

Pure. Gold.

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The Lovely Bones had a $100,000,000 budget.

It opened in three theaters on December 11th.

Currently, it is playing in those same three theaters. And only those three theaters.

Total domestic gross after 19 days? $287,000.

Oof.

(it’s supposed to get a wide release on 1/15/10, but the reviews have been fairly unkind — Pete Hammond hasn’t even reviewed it yet!)

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Finally! On page 13 we learn that Vera Farmiga used a body double for her nude (from behind) scene in Up in the Air!

So that’s why the newspaper that recently published Kyle Smith’s op-ed that described George Clooney’s worldview as “nonsense” put Clooney on the front page!

Outstanding!

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Erin Muller dated Michael Lohan for 2 1/2 years (!) and was even engaged to him (!!). She now claims that he gave her a fake watch on her birthday in December of 2007 (!!!). And in 2008, he “punched her in the mouth” and “beat her with a stiletto heel” and “put a lit cigarette out on her scalp.” And in November of 2009 he “punched her in the head with a closed fist” (which is kind of like “kicking someone with a leg”).

In a related story, Hailey Glassman claims that Jon Gosselin “pushed [her] against [a] wall” and was “verbally abusive.”

In an unrelated story, I just looked at the TV in this coffee shop and Neil Rosen has the worst dyed hair plugs and/or toupee I’ve seen in years. The fact that Paula Cole’s “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” is playing adds to my nausea.

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Page 19 is another full-page warning that TOMORROW NIGHT TIME WARNER CABLE MAY STOP CARRYING FOX!

Here’s the thing about that: What Stupert Murdoch doesn’t grok is that 2010 isn’t 1980. If your cable company doesn’t carry Fox, you go online and find whatever shows you want to watch on Sidereel or Hulu or Youtube. No one watches live TV anymore (besides my parents).

I have no love for TWC, but I’m really hoping they call Fox’s bluff. And remove Fox News from the lineup out of spite (and/or common sense).

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A 15-year-old boy took a 12-year-old girl on a joyride in an SUV. He drove 51 mph in a 30 mph zone and went through a fence. The car flipped on its side. She’s dead.

The boy claims he was in the car but wasn’t driving it.

R.I.P., Kaitlin Booth.

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Page 28 is Time Warner’s same rebuttal ad from yesterday (or was it Monday?).

Stand your ground, awful corporation!

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The McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home in Rome, Georgia has a fairly bizarre offer for their (prospective) customers.

If you go there and sign a contract stating your intention to drink or take drugs and then drive on New Year’s Eve, then — if you crash and die — they’ll give you a free funeral.

I would love to see what ideas these folks shot down before settling on this.

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Snooki (one of the mildly retarded “stars” of Jersey Shore) tells OK! that she wants her own dating show.

She even has the title: Snookin’ for Love.

Might I suggest His & Herpes?

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Someone tried to sell an engagement ring on Craigslist. The buyer arrived, Maced him in the face and ran.

This is why I prefer eBay.

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The greatest basketball game of all time is happening tonight at 7:30.

The 12-19 Knicks will face the 2-29 Nets.

Will the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets wind up with 15x more losses than wins?

Probably!

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The 10 BEST PLAYERS OF THE DECADE lists David Wright at #10. That’s it, Mets.

A-Rod is #5, Jeter is #3 and in the #1 slot? Who else?

Mariano Rivera.

His postseason ERA is 0.74.

When does baseball season start again?

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In less depressing Mets news, former Red Sock (I’m sorry, but Red Sox is not singular no matter what Bostonians [struggle to] think) Jason Bay has signed a 4 year/$66,000,000 contract with the Mets.

Congratulations, other New York baseball team!

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Charlie Sheen’s recent arrest has boosted the ratings of Two and a Half Men.

Boosted them. It’s once again the #1 comedy series.

Take a bow, America.

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The end.

Tomorrow’s will be my last entry of the year (as it is the last day of the year).

See you then.