Archive for December, 2009
You’d best be comfy before you begin. Make y’self a nice hot cuppa and remove your shoes. Letcha hair down.
Unless the proprietor decides that a $2 cup of coffee (plus the $1 tip for the cashier — hush money) isn’t enough for all this wi-fi and chases me into the street, I will be recreating a double-post and writing an additional one for today.
Are you ready, kids?
Excellent.
SATURDAY
The cover announces another Sex scandal bombshell for Mr. Woods. TIGER PULLS OUT! (see what they did there?) Tosses clubs in bid to save his marriage is that bombshell. Which isn’t much of a bombshell. But it’s Saturday and who reads the Post on Saturday (besides me)?
This “story” and other related “stories” continue on page 2. And page 3. And page 4. And page 5. And the only remotely interesting thing is that, after her Today appearance, Jamie Jungers went to a Bank of America in Midtown and tried to cash two checks (one for $19,000, one for $20,000) that were so “suspicious-looking” that the manager asked her to leave. Jamie insisted on Today that she was never an escort. But madam Michelle Braun has a 1099 tax form that says otherwise.
I can’t wait until everyone realizes that there are no more secrets in this world.
EPIC. WIN.
Do you know why the MAC-10 that Raymond “Ready” Martinez was using to shoot at police in Times Square jammed?
Because he was holding it sideways. Seriously.
So those cops have the comically thuggish rap culture to thank for their lives.
Hey, Ray — was looking cool worth it?
Page 9 has a five-sentence piece on its bottom left corner (Qaeda big rubbed out). It (briefly) tells the story of the American missile strike in western Pakistan that resulted in the death of Saleh al-Somali, “a senior al Qaeda operations planner” who was “part of al Qaeda’s senior leadership.”
Five sentences.
Next to it is an article that takes up 80+% of the page: PICKIN’ UP A CHICK, which tells the story of the hen that fell off of a truck on West 58th and then ran under a Cadillac SUV and wouldn’t come out. There are also three gigantic photos.
This is a phenomenally awful paper.
For further proof, check Page Six (today on page 10) for the item that begins “Former Barack Obama campaign manager David Plouffe is getting his butt kicked by Sarah Palin at bookstores…”
It reminds me of the Mr. Show sketch where the guy from Money magazine explains that how great you are is determined solely by how much money you have. I’m sure Plouffe is inconsolable, now that the former vice presidential candidate who has been touring the country fearmongering/signing the “book” she paid someone else to write has outsold him.
Totes fair, totes balanced.
Michelle Duggar, 43, gave birth to a 1-pound, 6-ounce girl on Thursday night (14 weeks premature). Duggar is a co-star of TLC’s 18 Kids and Counting. This makes 19.
Shame on you, Michelle. Shame on you, TLC. Shame on you, whoever hates themselves enough to watch this show.
Another drummer has died in Brooklyn, only this time, it was murder.
Troy Young (of The Spines) was found shot to death in his basement apartment on Fourth Street in Carroll Gardens.
I don’t know what’s scarier — being a Muslim in the U.S. Armed Forces or being a drummer in Brooklyn.
“I was hungry.”
“They called me a punk!”
“I was scared. It was quick!”
These are some of the excuses offered by Ziad Tayeh, 26, the “man” who stabbed a 19-year-old to death for cutting in front of him at a falafel stand.
I can’t wait for gen pop to start tossing his tabouleh.
Phalluses O’Vom-Vom (sorry, Ralph Peters) retells the story of Galileo at the start of When Scientists Lie, explaining that the church demanded he recant his life’s work (which was 100% accurate) because “Galileo was worse than right — he was inconvenient.”
Which is followed by, “Since his trial, scientists have mythologized him as their secular saint.”
Oh, Ralph. Science is hard, I know. Why not concentrate on something simpler? Like washing your old man balls?
Cynthia Paul of Oceanside writes in to say, “A suggestion for Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren: Get tested!”
Cynthia sounds like someone who learned this lesson the hard way (if you know what I mean).
Richard Linklater’s Me and Orson Welles isn’t doing so good at the ol’ box office (as of December 13th it’s made $343,000 in 19 days). But they have a new ad with a blurb from Lou Lumenick. Will it help? Prolly not. Here’s why:
ONE OF THE BEST PICTURES ABOUT THE STAGE IN RECENT MEMORY
Let’s break that down. It isn’t the best, but it’s “one of the best.” One of the best what? “Pictures about the stage.” Wow! Like All About Eve? Nope. Only films about the theater “in recent memory.” Go back over the last decade. How many movies about the stage can you think of? Yeah. Now factor that into Lou’s comment.
A little research unearthed Lou’s full sentence: “One of the best pictures about the stage in recent memory that featured someone pretending to be Orson Welles and co-starred that guy from High School Musical and that lady who destroyed Mary-Louise Parker’s family.”
The Nets have played 23 games. I have played none.
The Nets have only 2 more wins than I do.
Where’s my new arena?
Jason Bay to the Mets? Uh… I doubt it.
J.J. Putz to the White Sox? Yup.
Putz.
SUNDAY
First of all, if you happen to have the Toys R Us insert from Sunday’s paper, turn to page 20A and check out the ad on the middle of the top of the page. It’s for the $119.99 (down from $139.99) STEP2 Lifestyle Partytime Kitchen for ages 2-up.
The child seen “playing” with it is mentally handicapped. I’m no doctor, but I think buying your learning-disabled child a make-believe kitchen will result in your child trying to cook a plastic loaf of bread in your actual stove, which itself will result in severe burns on your child and house.
And that’s one to grow on.
Three segments on today’s cover: $180M What Tiger’s timeout will cost him — that’s $15M a FLING! is self-explanatory; AVATAR WEEK IN THE POST warns me that I have seven days of gigantic blue things to look at in my morning paper; but it’s the third segment that made me wince: Ask Ashley (Dupre). That’s right, folks, GOV’S GIRL IS OUR NEW SEX COLUMNIST.
That’s on page 3. But first…
Everyone at the MTA needs to be tried as a war criminal.
Transit workers are getting an 11% percent raise. And commuters? We now face the total elimination of the W and Z lines, plus 21 bus lines (most likely including the ones I use). And those students that ride to school for free? Next year they’ll pay half-price fares. In 2011, they’ll pay full price.
I really really really hate the MTA.
Spitzer’s babe answers all your love-life questions!
(Question: How come the women Tiger Woods cheated with are cheap sluts but the prostitute Eliot Spitzer went to is a babe? Fair and balanced, my tuchus.)
Here’s how we’re going to do this. I will reprint the questions (in their entirety, I assure you) and a sentence or two of Ashley’s response. Then I will respond as though these people had asked me for advice. Here we go.
1) How do I know if my daughter may be getting into trouble? — Meredith, 40, Queens
Ashley: “I suggest you be able to talk to her about boys, sex, alcohol and drugs, because they’re around and kids do experiment. Would you rather educate her or have her getting alcohol-poisoning at a party?”
Me: Everyone’s daughter may be getting into trouble. In fact, she may be falling down an elevator shaft as you read this. If you had included your daughter’s age, I might have more specific advice for you, but you didn’t, so I don’t.
2) Are there telltale signs a man isn’t happy in his marriage? — J. Marshall, 37, East Village
Ashley: “Guys are primal. They’re proud and need to be treated like they’re proud and special.”
Me: Any time he snores, he’s dreaming of killing you. And any time he tells you “I love you,” he’s thinking of killing you.
3) My boyfriend wants to know how many men I’ve slept with. Do I give an honest answer? — Anonymous, NYC
Ashley: “You don’t give him an answer at all. It’s really none of his business (and vice versa).”
Me: If you refuse to answer, he’ll assume you’re a tramp. If you lie and he finds out, he’ll think you’re a liar (which you absolutely would be). If you love someone, they deserve the truth (and like father, like son).
4) My girlfriend says she doesn’t like porn. Is she lying? — David K., 36, TriBeCa
Ashley: “Try sending her an e-mail of a soft-porn clip and say ‘I can’t wait to do this to you tonight.’ And see what she says.”
Me: When a woman tells you she doesn’t like porn, what she means is “please e-mail me numerous mpegs of fisting and watersports.” If you want to hold onto this lady, make sure that her e-mailbox is never raunchy pornographyless.
5) What’s the no-fail Christmas gift I can get my wife that will make her feel special and loved? — Brian N., 39, Lower East Side
Ashley: “Women are really not as complicated as men think.”
Me:
Pages 6 and 7 continue the Tiger Woods story from the front page and remind us that the $180,000,000 in lost endorsements, tournament prizes and appearance fees work out to “$15 million per floozy.”
The paper that hired an ex(?)-whore to give sex advice (on page 3 of their Sunday edition!) is calling Tiger’s partners-in-adultery “floozies”?
Them’s big balls, Rupe.
A “prominent Upper East Side pediatric eye doctor” says that private schools are “causing young students to develop nearsightedness” because they are being given “too much homework.”
I hope you’re proud of yourself, Mom.
Michael Goodwin gets in the holiday spirit with his full-page story of a man named Michael who meets a man named Ralph and wind up finding love in each other’s old man balls (Good Peters? Win!). It’s a little too graphic for my tastes, but I applaud his bravery in coming out of the closet and admitting how much he enjoys watching pre-teens urinate (“shimmering gold from hairless junk is, to me, like winning the boner lottery”).
No, that isn’t what he wrote today. But after reading what he did write (O’s peace of history, ‘BONUS’ ITEM ON DEMOCRAT TAX HACKS), I feel wholly justified in interpreting it as I did.
Eight protestors were arrested at UC Berkeley after they threw torches at the chancellor’s house (and “trashing” it — as he and his wife slept) and police cars. They were protesting the arrests of 66 other protestors, who were themselves protesting fee hikes and budget cuts (by taking over a campus building for four days).
As the eight protestors were being put in the paddy wagon, other less-violent protestors chanted “no justice, no peace,” which I hope made MLK chuckle.
Robert Sormanti, 47, is the man inside the Pat Patriot costume at New England Patriot home games (he’s their official mascot). He was arrested in a prostitution sting last weekend in Rhode Island.
But here’s the incredible part: Until last month, prostitution was legal in Rhode Island “if it was conducted indoors.”
Is that why we went to Newport, Dad?
Disturbing injustice of Foxy Knoxy charade does a surprisingly good job of listing some of the major inconsistencies in the Italian prosecution’s case against Amanda Knox. It still isn’t at nypost.com, but when it is, do yourself a favor and read it. It’s by no means comprehensive, but it compelling, nonetheless.
Is Prince William being groomed to be England’s shadow king?
And if so, can Harry Potter stop it from happening?
“Academic” Shauna Wilton delivered a speech at a political-science conference in Canada. The crux of that speech? That Thomas the Tank Engine (both the train and his show) is sexist because there are only 8 female characters (out of over 40!) and they “play more secondary roles” and are “often portrayed as being bossy or know-it-alls.”
Some people have waaaaaay too much time on their hands.
Now get back in the kitchen, Shauna, and make me some dinner, eh?
Stephen King wanted to donate $13,000 to Operation Community Support, but he suffers from triskaidekaphobia. So he donated $12,999 and his assistant donated $1.
Hey, Stephen? Why not donate $14,000?
(From Hey, Tiger, a nup already!)
“The point is, this Tiger is now an ass. Fore? Please. The guy went 10, 11, 12 and his prowess at using a mashie niblick is rightfully costing him big.”
Cindy? Please get in the box. For serious.
Here are some chilling statistics: In 2008, the Manhattan DA’s office dismissed 6,507 cases because prosecutors “were not ready to try these cases within legally mandated time limits — 6 months for felonies, 90 days for high-level misdemeanors.” The Brooklyn DA’s office dismissed 7,457.
That means that in 2008 alone, 13,961 cases were dismissed because of prosecutorial feet-dragging (in just Manhattan and Brooklyn).
Anyone think that maybe those time limits need to be, oh I dunno, extended?
Kyle Smith, who hopes to one day achieve mediocrity, gives us Liberals gone wild! which explains that The Huffington Post is more Internet porn than high-minded politics.
The basis of this accusation? Their most popular stories (on the day that Kyle checked) included features on a Tiger Woods mistress — Holly Sampson (#2), another mistress — Joslyn James (#5), and Tiger’s wife (#7). “A better name for it would be the FluffPo.”
Does everyone that writes for this cage-liner live in a Skinner box? The Post just hired Ashley Dupre to be their sex columnist and they have run at least 2 pages on Tiger Woods’ love life in every paper of the last week and change — always in the front 10 pages.
Maybe a better name for the Post would be The New York Poo-st (see what I did there, Vyle?).
According to a new Harris poll, when [some number of Americans] (great job, Post!) was asked “What’s the thing you dislike most about the holidays?” 21% replied, “I LIKE EVERYTHING!”
Bah humbug.
B’also? I hope O’Reilly and Mandrea attack Harris for saying “the holidays” instead of “Christmas.”
The combined primetime audience of all four major networks from 2001-2002 was 46,200,000.
From 2008-2009, it was 38,600,000.
I blame Leno.
Kyle Smith thinks Funny People was the 5th-best movie of the year. He picked Inglourious Basterds as the best.
Idiot.
Avatar looks awful. Truly.
Now guess what it cost. Go on, guess.
Did you say between $400,000,000 and $500,000,000?
Then you’re correct!
There’s a photo of Michael Stipe on page 47 with a handlebar mustache that makes him look really ga… oh, right. Never mind.
Jason Bay told the Red Sox that he didn’t want their 4 year/$60,000,000 offer.
This increases the odds of him becoming a Met by a factor of HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Meanwhile, in Yankeeland, Chien-Ming Wang is now a free agent. Godspeed, ol’ buddy.
Now he might wind up on the Mets. Just wait.
TODAY (finally!)
TOXIC TIGER FIRED says the part of the cover that doesn’t have a blue puma/sea horse with dreadlocks (hooray for Avatar week). Accenture has fired Woods. Yawn. And yet, there are four (4) pages of follow-up in today’s paper (pages 4-7). Someone show Kyle!
The follow-up claims that Elin may be asking Tiger for a trial separation. How long did it take Governor Sanford’s wife to make up and divorce him? Six months? I guess Elin is smarter than someone who lives in South Carolina (as are most amphibians).
I hope later in the paper some columnists complain about how we all need to move on from the Tiger Woods story!
Someone (with a statue in his hand) punched Silvio Berlusconi in the face at a political rally. The uber-wealthy Italian Premier broke his nose and two teeth and got mad bloody, yo (on his lip and a patch of skin under his eye).
I blame the Salahis.
There was a protest in Times Square yesterday.
Against a proposed federal tax on cosmetic surgery.
Boobs for boob jobs.
Prince Philip is under attack for making a joke at a teenage British Army cadet’s expense in 2002. I actually laughed when I read it. If the cadet did, too, then this should be a non-issue. But if the cadet was offended, then Philip should be beheaded.
When Stephen Menary was 14, he lost his left arm and was nearly blinded. The Queen asked him how much sight he had left and Philip chimed in, “Not a lot, judging by the tie he’s wearing.”
The tie was part of the cadet’s uniform. And the joke was almost Wilde-ian.
DJ Reverend Soul (Solange Raulston, 33) was killed when a truck sideswiped her as she rode her bike through Greenpoint.
Musicians, GET OUT OF BROOKLYN!
Hey, Democrats? How’s appeasing Joe Lieberman working out for you? Was it worth throwing out the public option that most Americans want?
Jerks.
If you want to buy some of Lindsay Lohan’s old clothes, swing by Lohanhouse.com.
Who knows — you may find a bag of heroin in the pocket!
Mandrea!
She hates on Eliot Spitzer (Why Spitzer the horndog might still have his day), Zhu Zhu Pets (ZHU ZHU: PARENTS’ NEW PET PEEVE), and MTV2 (Bad rap for New Jersey).
Apparently MTV2 is launching School of Surf which will feature Jersey Shore surfers. Mandrea says their promo tells kids, “Cut school. Watch School of Surf.”
While I agree that that’s absurd, I still can’t look at her face while I’m eating.
Charles Hurt returns to further denigrate Copenhagen and global warming and people who are concerned with climate change.
“Just like the fascists and the communists, these people just want to dismantle capitalism and bleed America dry.”
That’s not just hyperbole — that’s megabole.
Fun Avatar fact: It took 2,400 hours to make 1 second of action.
And it still looks gayballs.
Betsy McCaughey rips apart “Democrats’ bogus arguments” in US Health Care Still Tops, thus proving that she is an idiot.
It’s great if you have it, Betsy. Swing by a free clinic and then tell me again how our citizens are better off with the status quo.
Jerk.
Did I say the Nets were 2-21?
Well, I meant 2-22.
Soopah-stank!
The NY Giants lost last night.
Will the Post stop implying that they still have a shot this year? Prolly not.
But they don’t.
Michael Starr’s confusing Starr Report is chock full of huh?-worthy tidbits today including, “Jennifer Rogers (Dr. Oz) at Johnny Utah’s last Friday.” and “Kudos to Jimmy Fallon for those clever Real Housewives of Late Night spots. Good stuff.”
At least he’s stopped picking on Mad Men.
Ratings for the second episode of Steven Seagal Lawman (now without a colon!) are down 43%.
I can’t imagine why.
Good lord. That took… a long time.
Now I’m off to buy new sneakers, lest my wife kill me in my sleep.
Thanks you for your patience and patronage.
Oh, I almost forgot. I began yesterday’s entry by gushing about how lucky I am to have not only the most kind and supportive wife in the world, b’also the best damn parents a boy could hope for. No matter how bad things have gotten in my life, my folks have always been there for me. So, even though this might seem out of place in a blog whose raison d’être is to take the piss out of the Post, I wanted to thank all three of the people who mean the most to me.
I promise not to make a habit of gushing. But I felt the need.
Until tomorrow, I remain,
Caffeinated.
Just spent roughly four hours putting together yesterday and today’s fun, using my wife’s computer. It has the charming habit of highlighted everything as I scroll. I managed to avoid catastrophe until twenty minutes ago when it did so when my head was turned. I typed a word and that word replaced everything. I looked for Undo in her menu, but forget that Macs are easier to use than PCs and before I could do so, AutoSave replaced the saved draft with that word.
I spent the last twenty minutes looking through support forums to see how I might retrieve that earlier draft, but found no answers. So… it’s gone for good (bad).
Tomorrow I am going to spend some time in my favorite coffee shop and, if at all possible, I will rewrite (as best I can) what has been undone.
Really angry right now, but whatevs.
Going to see Dog Court at the Inferno (defending champs!) tonight. If that doesn’t cheer me up, then I’ll get stabby. But they have a knack for making me laugh, so I’m not too worried.
Until tomorrow, I remain,
Furious
The bad news is that Tiger Woods’ sexual proclivities remain on the front page. But the good news is that it only takes up 1/3 of it and the follow-up has been bumped to pages 10-11! And what is today’s metaphorical bombshell? Ho, Tiger! Madam: He paid for sex with hookers
First of all, I resent being called Madam. Second of all, does this surprise anyone? He was already sleeping with women and paying them — an actual hooker is like an FDIC-insured slut. You’re paying more because the secrecy is part of the price. B’also? You can order one on the phone and they’ll come to your hotel and do you and then leave!
B’also? People magazine (which seems like The Guardian in comparison to the Post) says that Tiger told his wife everything (presumably in low, hushed tones) and she has agreed to stay with him (!) on the condition that “he gives up golf for awhile.”
That’s… sad.
The larger front page story is BULLETS OVER B’WAY Times Square panic as cops blow away machine-gun thug which tells the story of Raymond “Ready” Martinez. Raymond is one of those colorful fellows who tries to stop people on the street and “give” them his CD. If you’re stupid enough to accept it, he writes your name on it and explains that the “free gift” (which may or may not actually have music on it) is personalized and now costs $10. These guys used to do this (minus the personalizing) every day in front of (both) Virgin Megastores (R.I.P.), but now Times Square is their main hub.
Two cops approached Raymond between 44th and 45th Street at the intersection of Broadway and 7th Avenue. They asked for his ID and tax stamp. Raymond ran down away and cut through the Marriott Marquis hotel on 45th. When he exited on 46th, cops told him to freeze and show his hands. He chose instead to pull a MAC-10 and shoot at them. Luckily, his gun jammed after he shot twice (the other twenty-seven [27] bullets remained in the magazine). More luckily, the police killed him and no one else was injured.
There’s a great photo of Raymond with a celebrity holding up his CD and smiling. The celebrity? The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton. LOLZ.
Karen Kilgariff posted this on Facebook. I’m still laughing.
There’s a “second attempt” that I like even more, but I can’t embed it here. I posted it on Facebook. You’re welcome.
Oh, Salahis. Why can’t you kill each other and let us all move on?
Tareq owed $2,000 to the folks who take care of his lawn. He gave them a watch that he claimed was worth “up to $25,000.” Do I even have to finish?
The watch is a fake. Tareq is a fake. His wife is a fake. They are liars. They deserve Bravo and Bravo deserves them.
Someone killed a 24-year-old Long Island woman (that’s bad). He did it by cutting her and setting her on fire (that’s really bad). Then he used the slain woman’s cell phone to text her family messages that implicated her boyfriend (wow). If they ever find this guy, I hope the judge pretends he punched an old woman (and not beat a 3-year-old to death) so he gets a long sentence.
Gordon Ramsay is facing bankruptcy.
Oh, Gordon. You donkey.
The father of the mute autistic boy who was repeatedly taunted and abused by his bus matron (and whose case was thrown out due to the foot-dragging of the Brooklyn DA) is now planning to sue the Brooklyn DA.
Yes. And.
Punching a woman in the face is never OK. Especially if you’re a man. Although, after watching the premiere of Jersey Shore, I can understand why Brad Ferro might have wanted to punch Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. But it’s still not OK.
And you know what makes it even more ridiculous? Brad Ferro is a (gym) teacher at North Queens Community High School. Or, he was before MTV started airing (and re-airing and re-airing) his drunken fisticuffs against a defenseless (and borderline retarded) “woman.”
(waves miniature American flag)
Charles Hurt points out that George Soros is on the side of the people that believe global warming is real, which, obviously, means it’s all bullshit.
With all of the people being senselessly killed every day, why can’t Charles Hurt be one of them?
Oh, and Fox “News” claims that 54% of Americans want Congress to abandon all health-care reform.
Keep in mind that people who can breath through their noses will hang up immediately after hearing, “Hi, I’m calling from Fox News” (which they count as “somewhat in favor of Congress abandoning all health-care reform”).
Christie Brinkley and Alexa Joel Ray have lashed out at the Post for implying that their joint vacation played a major role in Joel’s suicide attempt. But rather than apologize or let their wicked slander fade from memory, Page Six (today on page 18) has Alexa’s tormented childhood at the top of their page (right above the hilariously poignant cartoon of Silda Spitzer calling Tiger Woods’ wife and asking for her 9 iron as Eliot paints signs that read “Spitzer for comptroller 2010″ — with his pants are down! — behind her), further blaming Brinkley for not knowing how tormented her daughter has always been.
Stay classy, Post.
John Mayer and… Kim Kardashian? Page Six says he tried but she’s still dating Reggie Bush.
Tough luck, John.
Oh no! Has Mischa Barton started drinking heavily again?
(Yes.)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
This is worse than the ad for John Stossel’s new show! A photo of Kirstie Alley! Good lord!
She looks like George Soros in a wig and a fat(ter) suit!
Ziad Tayeh, 23, stabbed Tyrone Gibbons, 19, to death because Tyrone cut in front of him on line at a falafel cart in Midtown at 4:00 a.m. on October 28, 2006. Yesterday, a policeman testified that Tayeh told him the stabbing was “in self-defense.”
(waves miniature American flag and miniature pennant that says “New York City”)
Cindy Adams says that Fat Al Sharpton had this to say about the recent Tiger Woods revelations: “Hey, leave me outta this one. This may be the only time I’m looking to keep my mouth shut.”
That’s funny, but it’s also proof that Cindy Adams still walks the earth.
Swine flu is killing American Indians and Alaskan Natives at four times the rate of other Americans.
Which proves that the swine flu is a racist.
Health Care’s Missing Millions is a nice editorial that ridicules the current health-care reform because it won’t cover 24,000,000 Americans.
What they fail to mention is that they would be covered IF THE PUBLIC OPTION STILL EXISTED.
Me so angry.
Bill O’Reilly takes time off of his ridiculous whining about how secular America is killing Baby Jesus by wishing people Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas with Warming Their Wallets. It begins, “At the opening of the climate-change conference in Copenhagen this week, they showed a video of children trapped by onrushing water. One little girl was left hanging on to a tree limb. Chicken Little had to be proud.”
Happy Holidays, Bill.
Citadel Broadcasting is filing for bankruptcy. Citadel owns 77WABC, which airs Don Imus, Joe Scarborough, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.
Maybe… maybe there is a God.
Lou Lumenick gives Invictus three and a half stars (“Mandela film plays well on the field, and off”) and three stars to A Single Man (“Gem in a lacquered box”).
Kyle Smith gives Tenderness half a star (“laughable weepie”), two and a half stars to The Slammin’ Salmon (“Worth checking out on video.”) and two and a half stars to The Lovely Bones (“Lovely mess.”).
Michael Riedel claims that the new Addams Family musical is being feverishly re-written after premiering in Chicago (and getting very mixed reviews).
Are the Red Sox trading Mike Lowell to the Rangers? Maybe!
Now they’re saying that Damon wants three years (at $13,000,000/year).
Good luck with that, Johnny.
Is Jason Bay headed to the Mets?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
That was a good one, Post.
The TV Friday section informs us that Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry aren’t eligible for Best Picture Oscars (they signed on as producers of Precious long after the film was finished). They also quote Armond White (!) as saying, “Winfrey and Perry had no hand in the actual production … yet the movie must have touched some sore spot in their demagogue psyches.”
Armond has a way with words. And I usually understand most of them.
B’also, we saw Precious the other day (for free in a non-bedbug-riddled theater, thanks to my trusty SAG card) and I am floored by the gushing reviews it has gotten. The script is riddled with the harshest stereotypes I’ve seen in a long time (watch Precious eat a 20-piece bucket of fried chicken for breakfast — after she steals it!). The acting is solid, but the script is awful. And Lee Daniels must never direct anything ever again. If you think he deserved an Oscar nomination for that shaky-camera bullshit (and, really, I’m supposed to believe that Precious was interested in the Oliver North trial?) then you are hereby banned from ever seeing another movie ever again (except Shadowboxer and Vanilla Sky).
OK. That’s Friday. We’re heading up to the folks tomorrow, so I’ll probably wait until Sunday for the weekend edition. Try to stay warm in the meantime.
P.S. — Weekend! Weekend! Weekend!
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
That’s from a song by Dan Bern called “Tiger Woods” (wherein today’s title is credited to Cassius Clay).In fact, I like you guys so much, I’m going to reprint all of the song’s lyrics here (straight from Mr. Bern’s website):
I got big balls
Big ole balls
Big as grapefruits
Big as pumpkins
Yes sir, yes sir
And on my really good days
They swell to the size of small dogs
My balls are as big as small dogs
Well, it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true
Yes sir, yes sir
It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true
Muhammed Ali said that
Back when he was a young man
Back when he was Cassius Clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
I got a friend whose goal in life
Was to one day go down on Madonna
That’s all he wanted
That was all
To one day go down on Madonna
And when my friend was thirty-four
He got his wish in Rome one night
He got to go down on Madonna
In Rome one night in some hotel
And ever since he’s been depressed
‘Cause life is shit from here on in
And all our friends just shake their heads
And say, “Too soon, too soon, too soon,
He went down on Madonna too soon
Too young, too young, too soon, too soon”
And it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true
Yes sir, yes sir
It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true
Muhammed Ali said that
Back when he was Cassius Clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
If certain girls don’t look at you
It means that they like you a lot
If other girls don’t look at you
It just means they’re ignoring you
How can you know, how can you know?
Which is which, who’s doing what?
I guess that you can ask ‘em
Which one are you baby?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
And all you need to do that
Is one good pair of big balls
Balls as big as grapefruits
Balls as big as pumpkins
Balls as big as mine
But even though my balls are big
Sometimes i wish they were bigger
Even bigger
Big as the wheels on tractors
Big as the golden arches
Big as the Golden Gate Bridge
Big as the state of Kansas
Big as Mars and Jupiter
Big as the swing in Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods
Why am I posting those lyrics? Because that’s the last Tiger Woods-related thing I can recall that didn’t make me roll my eyes. Today’s front page (like every page of the last week or so) is all about Mr. Woods. Another day, another bombshell! proclaims America’s worst newspaper. And what is that bombshell? TIGER’S SEX TEXTS with Jaimee “Tool Academy” Grubbs. Including:
T: do you have a boyfriend
J: I don’t even have someone I am dating … no … u can be my boyfriend 
T: then I am
J: I wish
T: quiet and secretively we will always be together
T: when was the last time you got laid
Now, I ask you, is this more of a bombshell than the actual bomb that killed 127 people in Iraq on Tuesday? And does this really need another four (4) pages of follow-up?
Page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six) is all “sexcerpts” (see what they did there?) that prove that Tiger is a humorless idiot. I mean, I thought he was an adulterous jerk, but reading his attempts at flirtation and wit pale in comparison to Jaimee. Which says a lot.
Page 7 lets us know that Rachel Uchitel also got texts (sorry, sexts) where he “disses” his wife. I think fucking the (at least) ten other women is more of a diss, but what do I know? I’m an unemployed goofball.
Pages 8 and 9 are chock-full of other mini-pieces and I just can’t bring myself to give a shit (except for Ma$ters of new domain which says that someone is selling the domain name TigersHarem.com for $21,000,000 on eBay — but IDidTigerWoods.com can be yours for just $9.99!).
Tiger is a slut and is facing a divorce (I’m sure). Plus, he almost killed his mother-in-law. I get it. Now howzabout you cover some, I dunno, news?
Non-incumbent Governor Paterson (noncumbent?) gave a speech praising Wall Street yesterday. Today he plans on kicking a baby down some stairs. And then he’ll begin his push for re-election.
There’s a picture of a horse on page 3 and it’s walking on its back legs and wearing a hat and…
Never mind. That’s Sarah Jessica Parker. God, she is painful to look at.
EXCLUSIVE! Eliot Spitzer might run for State Comptroller in 2010!
I can’t wait for that debate!
He was the star of Blank Check. He was the cutest child in the Keaton family on Family Ties (but then, his competition was Tina Yothers). Now he’s being held in lieu of $7,500 bail in Colorado.
Brian Bonsall, 28, hasn’t acted since 1994. In 2007, he allegedly violated his probation by assaulting his girlfriend (awwww). Now he faces another assault charge because he allegedly beat his friend (repeatedly!) with a broken wooden stool.
If that’s what he does to his friend and girlfriend, imagine what he’d do to you if you asked him how obscurity is treating him.
Remember the autistic kid whose school bus driver made fun of him and laughed as he slammed his head against the window? Apparently, the DA waited too long to bring charges against her, so a judge threw the case out.
Take a bow, DA Charles Hynes!
That lawsuit against Liza Minnelli (the one where her driver claims she repeatedly tried to force him to have sex with her and beat him up) and the countersuit Liza filed against him have both been settled out of court.
Let’s hope this is the last time anyone mentions Liza Minnelli having sex with anything ever again.
Preview clips of an upcoming episode of Jersey Shore include Snookie (the “girl” who got mad drunk on Day One and then showed up late to work because she was vomiting! LOL!) getting punched in the face by a “man” in a club. Advertisers have begun pulling their ads.
In a related story, MTV has promised to remove references to “guidos” and “guidettes” from their promotional materials.
But not their airwaves.
Goodbye, public option.
Granted, the Post has been saying it would be killed for months, but here’s a second opinion.
I give up.
According to Page Six (today on page 16), Lindsay Lohan is in New Delhi, India, “trying to save children from hunger and human trafficking and making a documentary about it.” She Twatted: “Going to make one of my lifelong dreams on my list of things to do in this lifetime! (if only there was room to include “come true” — Twitter is teh suck) Wish me luck! Over 40 children saved so far … Within one day’s work … This is what life is about … Doing THIS is a life worth living!!! Oh, and I’m talking about being in India.”
I can’t wait to see what she does next week!
Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel breaking up?
Sure.
So Playgirl didn’t make its $150,000 back (via their $19.95 online fee) for their Levi Johnston pictorial. Primarily because Levi decided not to show his Johnston.
Even Palin’s in-laws can’t keep their promises!
Mandrea chastises Plaxico Burress for wanting to get a work-release deal that would allow him to play football again (MAN UP AND DO YOUR TIME, PLAX!) and Bloomingdale’s for waging war on Christmas (Bloomie’s: Wish Yule were here). She also lashes out at the woman who slept (sleep?) with Tiger Woods (Boobs like these set women back) blaming them for the death of feminism (I’d blame shrill woman-hating harridans like Mandrea before anyone else).
By the way, anyone who spends more time fretting about the War on Christmas than they do about the War in Iraq and the War in Afghanistan is an asshole.
Cindy Adams still hasn’t died.
Charles Hurt is still pounding the global-warming-is-a-farce drum.
Penises composed entirely of Barf (sorry, Ralph Peters) still believes that you can’t trust none o’ them Islamists.
“Compromise is our false god, not theirs.”
What the fuck do you and your buddies know about compromise you bigoted douchebag?
Michael Tanner, who has been ripping the public option to shreds for months has the balls (swollen to the size of small dogs) to pen Public Option’s Rotten Replacements.
Everyone at this paper is a ass.
Further proving that theory, the editorial Obama’s Carbon Commisars does a nice job of perpetuating the fallacy that Obama invented czars and is a Communist.
William Kristol’s Obama the Obtuse ends with the pithy “But being a liberal means never admitting you’ve been mugged by reality.”
And being a Republican means never admitting that you’re lying on purpose.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Page 42 is a full-page ad for John Stossel’s new show (Stossel — Thursdays at 8!) on the Fox Business Channel (THE NEW HOME OF THE AMERICAN DREAM).
Not. Safe. For. Work.
Hey, AOL? In the words of Max Bialystock, just say “oops” and get out.
Don’t re-brand or re-invent. You had a nice run. Now say “oops” and get out.
Citigroup is now trading at $3.86.
Will Ken Stott, Jimmy Smits, Christine Lahti and Annie Potts draw the same crowds that James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Marcia Gay Harden and Hope Davis did for God of Carnage? Um… no.
The Nets lost again! 2-20!
P.U.!
What do you do when you see an adorable puppy?
PETTITTE!
He’s back for 2010, and it only cost us $11,750,000. Which I think sucks.
The man won all three clinchers in the postseason (in a 3-man rotation!). Show him some overdue love, Yanks.
I can only hope that the incentives/bonuses will give him a hefty increase.
By the way — Andy is 8 wins away from 200 (as a Yankee). Only Whitey Ford (236) and Red Ruffing (231) have more.
Will Adam Lambert perform at the Oscars?
Allow me a pre-emptive yawn just in case.
I am still sick and we still have no internets.
Thanks to the lovely people at OKO for allowing me to nurse a cup of coffee for two hours and write this.
So very tired. Need strength. And a job.
K thnx bi.
MISTRESS: TIGER PAID ME has a follow-up on (are you sitting down?) pages 4 and 5, b’also 6 and 7. Here’s the basics (there are many Tiger Woods-related stories on these 4 pages):
Rachel Uchitel (the first other woman) demands that people stop calling her a whore. Jamie Jungers claims that Tiger paid her for sex (I’m pretty sure that means we’re allowed to call her a whore). Veronica Siwik-Daniels (known in pornographic circles as Joslyn James) considers herself “a full-time mistress” of Tiger’s and was also allegedly paid for the rental of her nethers (also, by definition, a whore). Other tidbits include: Gatorade dropping its Tiger Woods drink, “Tiger Focus” (wouldn’t it have been easier to rebrand it as “Tiger Fucked Us” and market it to all of Tiger’s mistresses?); an Orlando attorney is angry that a Florida prosecutor denied a trooper’s request for a blood sample from Tiger Woods to see if he was driving drunk; and Tiger’s mother-in-law fainted at his house.
And now, some actual news (sort of).
Thanks to the conviction of Joe Bruno, some folks in Albany are proposing some ethics reform in the… form (sorry) of a ban on using state workers for personal business.
But why stop there? How about this: if you are an elected official, that is your ONLY job. You can’t run a side business, you cant be a practicing attorney, you can’t be a man of the cloth. You do the job you were elected to do AND NOTHING ELSE.
Why do I think that that will never ever happen?
Two people were arrested by police for (re-)spray painting those bike lanes in Williamsburg. The two were caught by the Shomrim Patrol (how is that not a TV show yet?) early Monday morning, but the cops let them go. Then the guys decided to post their crime on YouTube.
Congratulations, dummies!
Michael Goodwin starts Bam’s whiny blame game with: “The other day, I wrote that President Obama has ‘run out of both charm and ideas.’ I was too kind.”
Too kind or too dependent on disingenuous hyperbole?
Putz.
Yesterday, Bryant Gumbel (remember him?) told the audience at Live with Regis and Kelly that he had a cancerous tumor removed from his lung two months ago.
Willard Scott still hasn’t stopped laughing (but that’s mostly due to his dementia).
OMG! According to Page Six (today on page 14), Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together!
And they said it wouldn’t not last…
Nicolas Cage owes $6,300,000 in back taxes.
And he still owes me for the $8.50 I spent on Snake Eyes.
Charles Hurt is back to laugh at all the dummies in Copenhagen. What dummies they are! With their “science” and their “education.” Up yours, hippie dummies!
That bank robber whose note read (in part) “No due packs. No alarms U-R beng wetch.” has been apprehended.
Presumably at a Sarah Palin “book” signing.
A Bronx judge has ordered posthumous DNA testing of Jermaine Williams (former bodyguard for Busta Rhymes) to see if he is the father of a child that was born four months after his death.
Then Busta punched the judge.
The Democrats have agreed (according to this horrible paper) to completely drop the public option from their health-care reform bill.
If this is true, I will never vote again.
As the World Turns has been cancelled. It has been on the air for 54 years. That isn’t a typo. Fifty-four years.
That’s a lot of dopplegangers!
If subpoenaed, the Salahis say they will plead the Fifth Amendment.
I bet the HSC still hasn’t gotten the tapes from Bravo.
Jerks.
Eric Ferguson, 19, punched a nun in the face during a two-week “robbery spree” and will serve 15 years for the crime(s).
You should have beaten your infant stepson to death, Eric! You’d be out by 2015!
Citigroup stock has fallen to $3.91.
The Nets won again! Now they’re 2-19!
They really suck!
Welcome to the New York Yankees, Curtis Granderson. Goodbye, Austin, Phil and Ian.
Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People special will feature: Glenn Beck, Lady Gaga, Kate Gosselin, Jenny Sanford (wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford), Tyler Perry, Michael Jackson’s three children and Adam Lambert.
This might beat out Lookwell! as the lowest-rated TV show in history.
Also, Babs and I have different definitions of “people.”
Tah-dah.
Thanks to the Public Library for the free wi-fi. Now Jed needs coffee.
Happy Wednesday!
Our online troubles continue. Methinks tomorrow I will find a nice coffee shop or park with free wi-fi and catch up on my internettings. But in the meantime, I’ll use Microsoft Word to write yesterday and today’s musings. Hooray.
YESTERDAY
At least three more women have come forward to announce their alleged affairs with Tiger Woods, which makes the headline TIGER’S BACK 9 numerically accurate (allegedly). I wonder of one of them is that lady with the sign…
This is the story for the first five (5) pages of today’s paper.
Obama estimated that TARP would cost $341,000,000,000 in August. The new price tag? $141,000,000,000.
That’s a reduction of $200 billion dollars (with a b).
Nice.
Alexa Ray Joel called 911 after trying to OD on pills. “Took pills. Want to die,” is what she told the operator.
The operator then sent a message to EMS workers: “Female caller. Took eight pills. Wants to die. Now feels funny. Wants to live.”
If there’s a contest for the best 911 dispatcher haiku, this should win.
Weezer’s tour bus crashed (oh no!). No one was seriously hurt (oh no!).
The top 5 movies for last weekend? Old Dogs came in 5th with $6,900,000. Disney’s A Christmas Carol placed 4th with $7,500,000. Brothers made $9,700,000. Twilight: New Moon made $15,700,000. And The Blind Side made $20,400,000.
If the Pavilion ever solves its bedbug problem, I might have to smuggle some in.
Cindy Adams still isn’t dead.
Next up for a massive recall is College Inn’s No MSG Chicken Broth. Why? Because the product on the shelves of Stop & Shop and Giant Food supermarkets contain an undeclared wheat allergen (he’s leaning towards Business, but might double-major in Business and English) and… MSG.
MSG in “No MSG Chicken Broth”? Now I’ve seen everything.
Mandrea Peyser claims that “the hottest items for sale around the nation’s capital this Christmas are T-shirts, mouse pads and refrigerator magnets bearing the slogan, ‘Change we don’t need’ – with a red slash through the middle.”
“’I can’t keep this stuff in stock,’ a store clerk at Reagan National Airport told me.”
Mandrea insists that this is Americans voting with their pocketbook and showing Obama that they hate him now. But I think she’s missing the point. Obama’s slogan was “Change we need.” These shirts ‘n’ sitch have the slogan “Change we don’t need” with a red slash through the middle. I think what Americans are “voting” for is for critics of Obama’s policies to shut up.
Mandrea also criticizes Ashley Dupre, calling her “one steamed (ex-) hooker” and “the sultry slut” and “one honest whore.” In other words, she’s stealing my bit.
She also hates on lawyers (“& jerks”) for The War on Christmas, which has cruelly forced NBC to change the name of the Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center to just The Tree in Rockefeller Center. First they came for the word Christmas and I did nothing…
And she cheekily announces that Copenhagen will be very cold this week (in December!), proving that global warming is a farce.
Oh, Mandrea.
Charles Hurt also mocks the summit in Copenhagen by quoting Shakespeare (the line about something in Denmark being rotten – see what he did there?). His big argument? That the world leaders are all flying there and that contributes to global warming!
Which, on any other day, he’d insist was a farce.
Goodbye, Brian Bruney. Have fun playing for the (snicker) Washington Nationals.
The Yankees offered Andy Pettitte $10,000,000 and he declined. Andy is the only player to get an offer from the Yankees (which makes me think that they do consider him their #1 priority which makes me very happy).
Double it, Cashman.
Sigh. Yes, the Giants beat the Cowboys. No, they aren’t going to the Super Bowl.
Stop toying with my father’s emotions, guys.
Tonight on MTV: From 8:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m., watch back-to-back episodes of… South Park. And then at 10:00 p.m., enjoy the music-heavy movie… Thir13en Ghosts.
Change. Your. Name.
TODAY
Tiger’s wife has left the mansion (TIGER’S WIFE TURNS TAIL). I wonder if this has anything to do with the nine (9) alleged affairs her husband has had.
Excuse me. After reading the follow-up to the front page, I see that the total is now ten (10).
Why are people (in this case, Tiger Woods specifically) so inherently stupid? One affair is bad. Five is horrible. But if you’re married and you sleep with 10 women of loose morals (if any), how do you sleep at night thinking that all of them will stay silent?
And will the inundation of floozies somehow do away with Rachel Uchitel’s alleged payday?
And when will I be able to stop reading about this crap?
Joe Bruno was found guilty on two of the eight felony-fraud counts he faced. He could get up to 40 years in prison.
He was found not guilty on five of the counts. The jury had “no verdict” on the last count.
I truly hope that this begins a sweeping change in the shady way the Legislature does business, but I also buy lottery tickets and truly think I have better odds at being filthy rich (like Joe Bruno!).
That lady (Biurny Peguero Gonzalez) who cried rape (when there was none) and sent William McCaffrey to jail for 20 years (despite his innocence) said she did it for attention.
She has pleaded guilty to two counts of perjury. She faces 2 1/3 to 7 years in prison for each of the two counts.
Please give her the maximum.
Oh no! Is Pope Benedict, 82, in poor health?
It’s a Christmas miracle!
Mickey Rourke, 57, proposed to Elena Kuletskaya, 24. She said da.
It will be Rourke’s third marriage and Elena’s first of many.
Sometimes, the punchlines write themselves (or are provided by an idiot’s mother).
Carrie Prejean was booked (for $15,000!) to appear at Shrine at the MGM Grand at Foxwoods on January 26th at midnight. But her mother interceded and called it off. “We are not completely certain that we want her in a nightclub setting at the hours specified in the contract. As you can understand, this is in direct conflict with who she is.”
Apparently, bigots who film themselves masturbating don’t stay out late. But the best part is the way Francine Prejean ends her e-mail (to the casino nightclub):
“If in the future, you have an opportunity for her to speak to young adults, or physically challenged athletes, she would love it.”
How could I possibly top that?
Page 22.
We learn that Alexa Ray Joel spent nine days in Turks and Caicos with Christie Brinkley and her half-siblings a week before trying to kill herself.
“But if this vacation was anything like a typical family gathering, Alexa probably left in worse shape than when she started.”
Now that’s journalism.
The MTA has announced that they’re $200,000,000 behind their budget and that service cuts will most likely happen in 2010.
I hate the MTA so very much.
Cindy Adams remains “alive.”
Two men convinced a Windsor Terrace woman that they were from a water company. She let them in, they robbed her. This happened on 8th Avenue and Windsor Place.
I just made sure our door is extra-locked (and that we have water).
According to NASA researchers, cosmic rays from outside our solar system can harm astronauts.
Stan Lee said the same thing in 1961 in Fantastic Four #1. When will scientists learn that comic books are all based on science fact?
The Hasidic community of Williamsburg asked that the painted bike lanes be removed from 14 blocks of road. The city acquiesced. Cyclists have repainted them themselves.
Tomorrow, I am going to Williamsburg to paint peyos on the 2-dimensional cyclists.
Managers at the fishmonger M. Slavin and Sons (New Yorkers have seen their trucks all over the place for many years) are being accused of using crude language and pinching the rear ends of their male Black employees. They’re also accused of sticking fish hooks into the buttocks of their male employees, as well.
Maybe being unemployed isn’t so bad after all.
Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, Edwin Jackson from Detroit and Ian Kennedy from New York to Arizona, Max Scherzer from Arizona and Austin Jackson, Mike Dunn and Phil Coke to Arizona?
Word on the street is that Jackson is worth keeping (he’s a prospect in our system), so I’m nervous about trading a possible superstar for Granderson (though Curtis is a solid player in his own right).
Arizona loves this trade. New York and Detroit aren’t as enthusiastic. We shall see…
But if we do trade for Granderson, does Johnny Damon really think he has a shot at a 4- or 5-year contract with New York?
The man responsible for Jersey Shore is MTV’s president of programming, Tony DiSanto.
Yes, he’s Italian. Yes, he claims that the cast members refer to themselves as guidos “in a positive manner.”
Yikes.
OK. Teresa just got sent home from work for being ill. Which means that, despite my own illness, I need to care for the Mrs.
Hope the rest of you are well. See you tomorrow(?).
I had no intention of going back to sleep after Teresa left, but it gave me no choice.
Also, I have a really, really bad cold.
Also also, our internet connection is accessible in five-second bursts, so even this teeny entry was difficult to post. I’l try to post later today, but I ain’t makin’ no promises.
Stay warm and sexy, everyone.
Alexa Ray Joel, 23-year-old daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, tried to kill herself by taking eight sleeping pills yesterday afternoon.
She was rushed to St. Vincent’s and released last night.
Our hearts go out to the Joel family.
Also on the front page is a photo of the fifth woman to come forward and claim carnal knowledge of Tiger Woods, Mindy Lawton.
When I saw the photo, I thought, “I wonder where she waits tables.”
I was close — when she met Tiger, she was a manager at a Perkins in Orlando. She also claims (according to the front page) that Tiger “WANTED TO SPANK ME” and I know exactly how he feels. Mindy says she’s 33. I say she’s lying.
Also, here’s some free advice, Mindy: Sitting on the floor and resting your high heel against what is probably an entertainment center is not sexy. Especially if you look like that.
Woman #4 (Jamie Jungers, 26) is planning on writing a tell-all about her two years with Tiger. Although, I have a feeling that if she gets what Uchitel got, her bluff will be called and the book will be cancelled.
Hey! I just had a great idea! Real Mistresses of Tiger Woods! Put ‘em all in a house and let Bravo edit together a weekly show about slutty women and how awful they are to pay attention to! Cha-ching!
On Thursday, Officer Juan Acosta, 34, was arrested and charged with cocaine trafficking.
On Friday, Officer James O’Connell, 39, drove drunk and collided with a toll booth at the Queens entrance of the Midtown Tunnel.
Also arrested on Friday was Officer Shawqi Ahmed, 29. He was charged with raping an 18-year-old he met at a club in Brooklyn.
To protect (and traffic drugs and drive drunk and rape) and serve.
Columbia University is expected to implement a “gender-neutral” housing policy that would allow boys and girls to room together.
Dr. Ruth Westheimer has a nice sidebar that explains why this is a good thing. But not how an ugly Teutonic dwarf became the nation’s leading authority on sex.
How tragic that all of the irony was lost on them.
“Hundreds” of protestors were in Foley Square yesterday to protest the 9/11 trial being held here. “We refuse to let New York become a platform for the terrorists’ mockery,” said one of the speakers.
The piece (Protestors rip 9/11 trial) ends with: “An angry crowd booed whenever the names of President Obama or US Attorney Eric Holder were mentioned.”
And how would the terrorists’ mockery be any different? They’d boo in an accent?
Yeah, it snowed yesterday. A little. But it didn’t stick.
Boo.
Michael Goodwin calls Rachel Uchitel a prostitute (on account of someone referred to her as a “party girl”).
Not all sluts are prostitutes, Michael.
Cindy Adams on Sunday is like a box of chocolates — you never know what you’re gonna get. Today, she discusses baby names (Baby, this name game is nuts).
It begins: “Today’s newest ‘in’ name is Jayden. Spelled with the ‘Y’ like Britney’s kid or without as in Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s son, Jaden. Why-oh-why does one have a ‘Y’ and the other not? Who knows? Who cares?”
She rambles on about how today’s actors have weird names like “Leigh Meester” (methinks she’s referring to Leighton Meester, but who knows? who cares?).
Please get in the box, Cindy. Please?
A two-hour tour of South Central Los Angeles will include the option of getting shot with a water pistol by a local youngster. Takers will also receive a t-shirt that reads “I Got Shot In South Central.”
This would make a lovely gift for anyone that already owns an “I Ate Cat In Chinatown” t-shirt.
Last Friday, Abdulsalam Al-Zahrani, 46, was a Saudi national and a graduate student at Binghamton University.
Today, he is just a Saudi national. That’s because on Friday, he decided to stab professor Richard Antoun, 77, to death with a 6-inch kitchen knife.
The former student has already confessed to his crime. And set back Arab relations in this country another 5 years.
The Salahis did NOT appear on SNL last night. Good.
They do, however, appear in Kyle Smith’s most ridiculous article of the month, In defense of the crashers.
“Can we all just take a moment, in this season of official gratitude, to send a silent hymn of thanks to the White House party crashers? They’re American heroes,” goes the first paragraph in Kyle’s so-partisan-it’s-retarded piece. His argument is that, if it was Michael Moore or Sacha Baron Cohen doing the crashing, “the media would have been aflutter with praise for the daring, the playfulness and wit.”
“Scratch Real Housewives of D.C. and ‘Washington Redskins cheerleader’ off their resumes and replace them with The Harvard Lampoon and The Daily Show and they’re brilliant pranksters, aren’t they?”
Why are cast member of Real Housewives and Washington Redskins cheerleader on their resumes? Both of them are neither (as of yet). So your argument is that if they were lying about being pranksters instead of lying about being millionaire philanthropists and former cheerleaders, it would be funny that they managed to touch the POTUS? And you’d feel the same way if the simpleton cowboy was still in office?
What a colossally disingenuous asshat.
Did you know that Stew Leonard spent 48 months in prison? He was convicted of tax evasion in 1993.
Still, no other supermarket in the tri-state area has animatronic vegetables.
As director Peter Jackson continues to lose weight, he looks more and more like the offspring of Rich Sommer and Skippy from Family Ties.
If the Giants lose today, then maybe everyone will stop saying “they’re still in it.”
They aren’t. Neither are the Jets.
Cut it out.
And there you have it. That’s Sunday.
Enjoy what remains of your weekend. And, if you can, swing by the Magnet Theater tonight. The team I coach, Dog Court, has a show. They’re funny (they get it from me).
Toodles!
Today’s front page is a triptych: WITCH DOCTOR tells the story of a woman (in Brooklyn!) who tried to get her husband’s mistress to miscarry by calling her (with the help of a gadget that made the mistress’ doctor’s office’s phone number appear in the her caller ID) and advising her to pick up a prescription for what she thought was “a drug for her cervix,” but was in fact Cytotec (which, among other things, causes miscarriages). The mistress took a pill and was immediately rushed to the hospital. The baby was delivered (in perfect health!), but the angry wife wasn’t finished yet. A week after the emergency birth, she went to the hospital posing as the baby’s mother with two bottles of what she claimed was breast milk for the baby. The nurses noted that the liquid in the bottles had a different consistency than breast milk and called the police. The woman was arrested and charged with reckless endangerment, forgery of a prescription, criminal impersonation and attempted abortion.
The second piece of the front page puzzle is Giants’ last chance, which warns the football team that they have to “Beat ‘Boys or else” (or else what? You’ll give them the same warning next week? They’re done. Cut it out.).
And last (and totes least) is Rachel’s story, which promises to explain how Rachel Uchitel went “From 9/11 widow to Tiger’s squeeze” – including the bombshell revelation that the father of her ex-husband (who died in the WTC) “says jet-setting Rachel is not girl he once knew.” This is on pages 8 and 9. Hopefully someone with the moral compass of Ashley Dupre will explain why Uchitel is an attention-seeking whore in tomorrow’s paper (in exchange for money!).
Sylvester Stallone sold his “abstract artworks” for $90,000 at last week’s Art Basel Miami Beach show.
This is a self-portrait of Sly’s that sold for $50,000 to an art gallery:
Now I’m torn… is Stallone a brilliant painter who also sells pudding? Or is he a brilliant pudding salesman who dabble in art?
It’s true — the pudding really is an alternative to a healthy snack.
Rudy 9iu11ani will be a security advisor to Rio de Janeiro as they prepare for the 2016 Olympics.
If he were a Democrat and a Republican POTUS had tried to host the 2016 Olympics in the U.S., Rudy’s patriotism would be questioned incessantly.
El Museo del Barrio attempted to “redefine” the word “spic” by titling their upcoming spoken-word event “Spic Up/Speak Out!”
For some weird reason, they got a bunch of complaints. So now the event is called “Speak Up/Speak Out!”
Even weirder is that no one has complained about the names of their other exhibits — “Pickin’ Lettuce ‘n’ Guitars,” “Made By A Maid” and “Beaner There, Done That.”
After seeing today’s photo of DA Robert Morgenthau, 90, I fear time.
Diarrhea-Fast tells us that Unilever has recalled all of their Slim-Fast shakes because they might be contaminated with Bacillus cereus, a micro-organism that can cause excessive diarrhea, nausea and vomiting.
Which, correct me if I’m wrong, would really help you lose weight.
Have you been to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Annex in SoHo?
Well, you have until January 3rd. Then it goes away forever.
Hiram Monserrate has been sentenced to three years of probation, a year of domestic-violence counseling, 250 hours of community service and a $1,000 fine. And he gets to continue legislating (most recently against gay marriage).
The system does not work at all.
Whoopi Goldberg wrote a letter on behalf of her neighbor Anthony Marshall (who abused — mentally and physically — his mother, Brooke Astor, who he also stole millions from), begging the Manhattan Supreme Court not to put him in jail. “Hasn’t Tony been through enough?” she asks.
“I mean,” she continued, “it’s not like he committed rape-rape.”
Roman Polanski is at his home in Gstaad.
Wearing an electronic ankle bracelet.
And having no shame.
You know what? Puke Pricks (sorry, Ralph Peters) and Michelle Malkin both have half-page editorials and I’m not even gonna read them. What do you think about that, jerks?
According to legal documents, Ping Jiang (a bigwig at Steve Cohen’s hedge fund, SAC Capital) forced his subordinate (Andrew Tong) to: let Jiang tie him up with ropes; wear women’s clothing; take female hormones (“to ease his aggressive demeanor and improve his trading”); let Jiang urinate on him; and perform “oral sodomy” on Jiang.
Tong sued Jiang (and SAC) in the state Supreme Court, but was forced to settle the case through arbitration. Tong eventually dropped the case and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission closed its investigation of the allegations in April of 2008. No action was taken.
Today isn’t a very good PR day for justice.
Is Chone Figgins going to the Mariners for the next four years?
I wonder what they could have possibly offered to the LAAoA in return…
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Nets won. Their streak of awfulness ends at 18. They are now 1-18.
Congratulations, Mr. Kiki Vandeweghe.
Boo.
It’s supposed to snow today, which would be awesome to see (’specially at night).
But weathermen (and weatherettes) have a tendency to be wrong most of the time, so I won’t hold my breath.
Also, if there are any doctors reading this, I watched the first episode of Jersey Shore on MTV and am worried that I may have contracted an STD.
Enjoy the wet day!
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