Archive for December, 2009

Deez Jets.

4th December
2009
written by jed

Yesterday, Sarah Palin was asked in an interview if she would “make Obama’s birth certificate an issue” in her possible 2012 bid for the presidency.

“I think the public rightfully is still making it an issue. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t know if I would have to bother to make it an issue, because I think that members of the electorate still want answers.”

The interviewer followed that with, “Do you think it’s a fair question to be looking at?”

“I think it’s a fair question just like I think past associations and past voting records. All of that is fair game,” Palin responded, adding that “the McCain-Palin campaign didn’t do a good enough job in that area. We didn’t call out Obama and some of his associates on their records and what their beliefs were, and perhaps what their future plans were, and I don’t think that was fair to voters to not have done our job as candidates and a campaign to bring to light a lot of things that now we’re seeing manifest in the administration.”

This woman is either stupid or evil or both. I have removed myself from her Facebook fan base (if you ever need to throw up, read the comments her “fans” leave on that page — it’s like a never-ending contest to see who can be the dumbest person in the world).

I am starving, but I am going to plow through this awful paper and then celebrate with a gigantic omelette (omelet?). Which shouldn’t be too hard since I usually lose my appetite by page 10.

TIGER’S GREEN FEES! is today’s headline (and they filled in the word GREEN with a $100 bill!), along with Megabucks to hush up Rachel — & millions to keep wife. Oh, and a photo of Rachel Uchitel in a wet bikini. A quick flip to the 2-page follow-up and OMG! OMG! OMG! She’s back! She’s back! SHE’S BACK!

Ashley fires a ho in one (see what they did there?) begins, “Ashley Dupre is teed off at all those Tiger Woods mistresses coming out of the woodwork.” It quotes the former (?) prostitute as saying, “Here you have all these girls accepting gifts, money, trips from Tiger in exchange for sex — all the while knowing he is married. And now they all can’t wait to tell their stories in exchange for even more money from the tabloids? And I was the hooker?”

YES! You worked for an escort service! As a hooker! And then you capitalized on your brief fame by using the Post (speaking of tabloids) to further your “music” “career” (how’s that working out, Ash?). These women, as whore-y as they may seem, are not half as prostitutional as you were (are?). Go away (again).

The sidebar next to the photo of Dupre are a collection of six Tiger Woods jokes for some reason. The best of the bunch? “What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? Both are clubbed by Scandinavians.“ Again, that was the best of the six.

But it’s the opposite page (7) that has the article that accompanies the banner headline TIGER IN GAME OF MONEY BALL, wherein we learn that Uchitel was going to give a tell-all press conference (about how she did have an affair with Tiger but was protecting him when she repeatedly denied it), but she changed her mind when she learned that Tiger would give her “seven figures” to shut up.

Poor Ashley Dupre.

Columbia University cannot use eminent domain but the Nets (now 0-18!) can.

(waves miniature American flag)

Are we, as a nation, getting dumber? Absolutely yes.

9% of boys in this country have sent naked photos or videos of themselves over their phones.

13% of girls did the same.

24% of all 14- to 17-year-olds have “sexted.”

33% of all 18- to 24-year-olds have done the same.

Apocalypto can’t get here soon enough.

Mr. and Mrs. Salahi are in a lot of trouble.

Turns out everything about them is a lie (or built on a lie).

The three Secret Service peeps who let them into the state dinner? They don’t work for the Secret Service anymore.

Will the Salahis be subpoenaed by the Homeland Security Committee? And if so, will someone PLEASE get the tapes from Bravo?

Pamela Anderson is going to be a “singer”! She and Richie Rich (the gay designer, not the poor little rich boy) are launching a clothing line and a new single called “High.” “We are recording a pop single together. Pam says she wants to sing, but nothing too difficult, so she’s just going to sing the word ‘high’ over and over,” says Richie.

Richie insists that “high” refers not to drugs but to fashion. I insist that this song will be awful but that methed-out homosexuals will enjoy dancing to it.

Ah-nuld’s son, Patrick Schwarzenegger (16), is dating the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, Tallulah Willis (15). Aren’t you glad you know that now? Thanks, Page Six (today on page 16)!

On page 3 of Page Six (which, oddly, is on page 20), we learn that “Precious director Lee Daniels might have found a leading man in Tobey Maguire.”

In a related story, my parents both thoroughly enjoyed Precious. The bad news is that I look far too much like my father to have been adopted. Thank God for the Pavilion bedbugs.

Governor Paterson has announced that he won’t bring the gay-marriage measure voted on next year “unless he knows for sure it would be approved.”

“The vote was 38-24. That’s pretty substantial. People don’t want to go down on a losing ship,” Magoo said in a radio interview. Firstly, he had an opportunity to say something that would become part of the civil rights canon forever and he went with (and I’m paraphrasing here) “people don’t like to give blowjobs to ships that aren’t currently winning” (it’s a sinking ship or a losing team, Dave).

If footage leaked today of Andrew Cuomo punching puppies, he’d still lead Paterson by 70 points.

It’s only dragging your girlfriend by the hair (but he likes it!).

Ron Wood, 62, spent a night in jail after he allegedly “slapped [his 20-year-old girlfriend] Ekaterina Ivanova to the ground and yanked her [by the] hair.”

Or as the Brits call it, Wednesday.

The NYC Health Department says that we can lower our blood pressure and keep our weight down if we walk (or bicycle) 10 blocks a month.

That isn’t a typo. 10 blocks a month. Who (besides those without the ability to walk) doesn’t walk the length of a city block over the course of 3 days? I probably walk that much in my apartment every day. How is this a health tip? What kind of research begat this laughable advice?

Uh-oh. My blood pressure just rose. I’d better walk eight feet to lower it.

I am really excited to go to California for the holidays. On the other hand,

OTB just filed for bankruptcy.

Now what am I gonna do all day?

Jonah Goldberg explains Why Copenhagen is all hot air and he makes a strong case for him never writing another editorial.

Bill O’Reilly is back to whining about how Christmas is being robbed of its prominence and religion is this increasingly secular country (A GODLESS CHRISTMAS).

“Atheists are jealous of the Yuletide season,” accuses Ireland’s Shame.

Happy Holidays, Bill!

(P.S. — Isn’t it a sin to have a God complex?)

Were 100 people fired from The New York Times, as Cindy Adams foresaw? No, but 50 people took buyouts.

Which is almost kind of in the same ballpark as what Cindy promised.

GE sold NBC Universal to Comcast.

That’s pretty huge. But the huger news? TNT picked up Southland. It will return in January,

It’s a Chri… a Holiday Miracle!

(up yours, O’Reilly)

Lou Lumenick gives Up In The Air four stars (“TOP FLIGHT!”), The Last Station three and a half (“Brava!”), Serious Moonlight one (“Bathroom setting suits foul film”) and Mystery Team half a star (“There is only one joke here milked endlessly.”).

Kyle Smith gives Everybody’s Fine three and a half stars (“And how.”), and Brothers two (“Shoots itself in the foot.”).

Pete Hammond calls Brothers “ABSOLUTELY MESMERIZING! AN OSCAR-WORTHY MUST-SEE MOVIE FOR OUR TIMES.”

Hofstra is discontinuing its football program, which has been a fixture there since 1937.

The Red Sox signed Marco Scutaro to a two (possibly three) year contract.

Good news, Jets fans! You beat the Bills last night 19-13, allowing Rex Ryan another week of playoff promises!

Bad news, Jets fans! Despite Joe Girardi’s crash course on how to slide correctly, QB Mark Sanchez decided not to take the Yankees manager’s advice and wound up with a right knee injury. He may be done for the season.

Adam Lambert’s “They Hate Me For Being Gay, Not For Being Abysmally Mediocre” tour continues and the consequences do, too. ABC has cancelled his upcoming appearances on Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin Eve.

However, the 20 people who still want to see him perform can tune in to The Jay Leno Show on December 21st to see him perform sans faux fellatio (and won’t Jay be thrilled with the boost in ratings!

Linda Stasi is schizophrenic.

She describes SyFy’s Alice as “Lewis Carroll meets Pimp My Ride“ and “Three quarters of the movie is taken up by chase scenes… while the other remaining quarter includes a flabby triangle between Jack, Alice and Hatter” and “silly and too long by two hours” (which is half its running time). She also asks, “Why anyone would  need to reimagine perfection is as much a conundrum as the rabbit hole.”

B’also? She says it “isn’t bad” and, if you aren’t “an Alice in Wonderland fan,” “why not give it a shot?”

Two and a half stars (out of four).

This omelet (omelette?) is going to be epic.

And in less than 5 hours, the weekend begins!

And Dog Court (the bestest new improv group in town) has a show at the Magnet on Sunday night at 9:30!

Go and see them!

Hooray, weekend!

1 Comment
Dailies

Deez Nets.

3rd December
2009
written by jed

Whatever mild excitement I might have once felt for the New Jersey Nets’ move to Brooklyn is hereby officially gone. They are now 0-18. Record-setting awfulness.

But why be content with the worst start in NBA history? What about non-start losing streaks? They’ve surpassed the worst losing streak in NHL history (17 games) and NFL history (16 games) — if they can manage to continue to stink for just 6 more games, they’ll also break the MLB and NBA records for longest losing streaks (both are 23 games).

If you’re gonna suck, you might as well be the suckiest sucks that ever sucked.

How embarrassing! The Post’s front page has a glaring typo! Tiger admits: I’M A CHEETAH it says.

Oh, wait. I see what they did there. Because his name is Tiger. Very clever, very droll.

B’also, they took a photo of Woods and his wife and Photoshopped it so she’s holding a golf club (it helps to illustrate the sub-head Woods’ wife attacked him with wedge!) and he has a black eye (Black eye?), and claw marks and band-aids (Band-Aids?) all over his face. I can only hope there are more animal puns on the four (4) pages of follow-up (pages 4-7).

TIGER: YEP, I’M A STRAYING CAT (see what they did there?) is the banner on the first two pages. Page 4 retraces “his worst drive ever” (see what they did there?) as if it happened on the grassy knoll (I refuse to accept the “magic fire hydrant” theory). Page 5 has Tiger’s statement (which he posted on his website), which includes the statement, “The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious.” I wonder how he feels about today’s front page. Also on the page is a large photo of a blonde in unbuttoned jeans and a bikini top (with the top half of her underwear visible) standing in front of Tiger’s home, holding a sign that reads “TIGER- THEY OFFERED ME $500,000 – I’M KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT!” Holy missing the point, Batman.

(there’s also the promise of more discussion of this by Mandrea, the Editorial section and the Business section)

Page 6 includes Phil Mushnick’s incendiary Jerk’s ‘pals’ are toadies, which begins with a fake letter to children from Tiger Woods (Phil is not a gifted comedian) and ends with me wanting the three minutes back that I spent reading this.

Also on the page is Us Weekly’s assertion that, if Elin decides to leave Tiger, she’ll get $300,000,000 (thanks to their pre-nup). So… her husband admits he cheated on her (possibly with a former Tool Academy girlfriend) and a divorce would give her over a quarter of a billion dollars, and we’re wondering if she’s gonna leave him?

Page 7 is all about how much Tiger loves his privacy, which is like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.

Don’tcha think?

The top five most popular baby names for boys/girls in NYC (2008):

5.David/Sarah

4. Matthew/Olivia

3. Michael/Emily

2. Daniel/Isabella

1. Jayden/Sophia

The only thing I find weirder than New Yorkers’ apparent penchant for naming their son after Britney Spears’ loinfruit is that this list is being released in December of 2009.

Yesterday, the New York State Senate gave those of us with hearts and minds yet still another reason to hate them. 24 senators voted to legalize same-sex marriage. 38 voted no. Of those 38, only 1 had the courage to explain his vote — Ruben Diaz of the Bronx. Who is also a Pentecostal minister. Who also proclaimed that he would be proud to officiate the wedding of Hiram Monserrate (who also voted no) and the lady he dragged by the hair after smashing her face with a glass.

I don’t understand why Monserrate was even allowed in the fucking building, let alone allowed to vote, but hopefully he and the other 37 scumbags will lose their jobs soon. I look forward to voting for whoever runs against Martin Golden (R-Brooklyn) and Carl Kruger (D-Brooklyn).

Shameful.

Busta Rhymes gots to pay $75,000 to a concertgoer who he threw bottles at and sicced his bodyguard on.

Rhymes reported asks the judge is he could, “Woo-hah!! Write you all a check?”

The Republican Party is now referring to global warming as “scientific McCarthyism.”

They also continue to make a big deal out of Obama’s non-use of the word “win” in his Afghanistan speech.

Stay classy, GOP.

Roman Polanski will be released tomorrow. He will be under house arrest in Gstaad.

Stay classy, Switzerland.

Cindy Adams says that The New York Times will lay off 100 employees tomorrow.

New York Post readers should be so lucky.

Mandrea!

She calls Tiger Woods “a spoiled, celebrity jock” (Clown exposed as fraud). The piece ends with, “He has disgraced the game. He has trashed his wife and embarrassed his kids. He has treated the law like a minor inconvenience. And he blames the media while asking for privacy? Children are watching.”

I wish I spoke harpy. Then I might understand her final sentence (and every other sentence she’s ever written).

Nothing reminds me of Christmas more than the New York Public Research Interest Group’s list of unsafe toys. This year, 24 toys made the cut.

The Love to Play Puppy (on sale at Toys R Us for just $23.99!) teaches babies their ABC’s and also contains bromine (which affects the reproductive system and causes birth defects) and mercury (which affects the organs and nervous system). Thomas & Friends Wooden Railway and the Learn and Groove Musical Table also contain bromine, as well as lead and arsenic.

Happy holidays!

Jack Rhodes mugged three old women (he got $78 and two rings in total) in 2007. One of them was 101 at the time (he broke her cheekbone and left her “in a pool of blood”).

He was just sentenced to 75 years in prison.

You should have beaten a child to death, Jack! Then you’d be out in a few years!

Microsoft’s response to the thousands of Windows7 users whose systems crashed after downloading a security update?

“Don’t blame us.”

Well played, Microsoft.

David Brown, 32, paid an ex-girlfriend for a 19-year-old who he then forced into prostitution. The victim slept with roughly 30 men over 12 days.

Brown faces up to 25 years in prison.

If only he had also mugged three old ladies.

Someone tried to rob a Chase bank on the Upper West Side (Broadway and 73rd).

The note handed to the teller read, “Give me $20.00’s, $50.00, $100.00 now. No due packs. No alarms U-R beng wetch.”

The teller dropped to floor (probably in hysterics) and the would-be robber fled.

The punchline: An hour later, the same guy went to the Chase bank on Broadway and 90th and got away with $1,400.

Dr. Ramin Pourandarjani, 26, is credited with exposing the extreme torture carried out by Iranian police against protestors in their prisons. He died last month. They’ve just now determined how.

Someone poisoned his salad (which he had delivered) with an overdose of blood-pressure medication.

Say what you will about Iran, you have to give them points for originality (if not personality and lip-synch).

It just occurred to me — at no point has the Post used the headline Tiger’s Wood.

See what I did there?

That promised editorial on Tiger Woods states, “Woods faced up to his transgressions like a man.”

Shhhh! Don’t tell Mandrea you said that! She’ll eat your face and wear your skin!

Lou Dobbs angrily shouted “Who the Hell does this President think he is?” for some reason that involves global warming and, probably, Mexicans.

Dobbs, Cheney and Rove need to charter a plane together and all sing “Chantilly Lace.”

Wal-Mart is promising huge savings on video games and their systems. GameStop shares fell 8.3% as a result.

Stop. Shopping. There.

AT&T has dropped its lawsuit against Verison for their “there’s a map for that” ads.

Nelson Muntz was quoted as saying, “HAH hah.”

I sure hope Comcast likes Southland and 30 Rock. And hates Jay Leno.

I sure wish my local movie theater didn’t have bedbugs.

Ron Artest told The Sporting News that he used to drink Hennessy at halftime during his 1999-2002 tenure with the Chicago Bulls. He also defended his actions as a Piston that resulted in a 73-game suspension.

“It wasn’t my fault… I don’t see anything I could have done different. The only thing I could have done was have God pause time so I could have said, ‘Oh, look, you’re about to run in some stands, so stop.’”

He makes Allen Iverson sound like William Jennings Bryan.

The Knicks are 4-15. Which is way better than the Nets’ record.

Joel Sherman argues that the most important person to re-sign for the 2010 Yankees is Damon.

I kind of agree, but also worry that Boras is going to ask for something ridiculous (though history shows that the Yankees are OK with that, right, Alex?). I’d resign Damon for two years. Maybe three. But not if, as Boras has stated, he’s looking for “Jeter money.”

Ho-hum TV section news:

A second house pimped on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is about to be foreclosed on.

Oprah will NOT have a talk-show on her new network.

The WWE is teaming up with Titan Publishing (a UK comics company) to release a new series called WWE Heroes.

Michael Starr believes that George Stephanopoulos will replace Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America.

B’also? No one at the White House or the Secret Service or the House Committee on Homeland Security has asked for Bravo’s footage of the Salahis the day of their party-crashing. Granted, it would be painful to watch, but it might kinda sorta answer the questions that all these folks have. And it might incriminate Bravo (icing!).


Tomorrow is Friday. Then comes the weekend. Stay strong, peeps.


2 Comments
Dailies

Yawn 2: The Quickening.

2nd December
2009
written by jed

Didn’t get to sleep until around 3 or 4. Slept late. Headache. Just ate two hard-boiled eggs.

And to make matters worse, I’m reading the Post.

30,000 troops and ONE missing word is perhaps the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen on the front page in a while (and that is saying something). “President Obama announced last night that he is sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan and will begin bringing American forces home in mid-2011 — but one word was MIA from the 4,581-word speech: ‘WIN.’”

First he’s dithering. Then he’s an idiot for considering NOT sending troops. Now he’s a defeatist because he didn’t say “win” in his speech. Maybe if the Post paid attention to his words instead of counting them, they’d be more inclined to be, I dunno, patriotic? Is that the word? I mean, when W. declared “Mission Accomplished” about 12 years early, anyone who questioned him hated the troops and wasn’t a patriot. So whycome “real Americans” don’t give Obama the same courtesy?

Charles “I Deserve to Be” Hurt chimes in with Gutsy move betrays the troops. “It is hard to overstate how much of a loathsome betrayal Obama’s liberal Democratic base finds the decision to send 30,000 more troops to the battlefield.” And yet, you just did, Chuck! You’re magic!

Chuck and the various other dimwits at the Post are also shocked (shocked, I tell you!) that Obama has the nerve to announce an exit strategy! Veterans are outraged! Better that we just keep sending Americans to die in a war against a noun (terror!) that can never be won.

But while this is on the front page (with follow-ups on pages 8 and 9), the real front page story (80% of the cover) is TIGER’S BIRDIES, which reveals two more women who might have had an affair with Tiger Woods. Kalika Moquin, 27, says they’ve been having an affair “for some time.” And Jaimee Grubbs, 24, has texts (“I will wear you out… When was the last time you got laid?”) that she claims are from Woods. You may also remember Jaimee from her appearances on VH1’s Tool Academy. Seriously.

And, as if that story wasn’t steamy enough, now comes word that The National Enquirer knew about Woods’ infidelities in 2007, but kept it under wraps in exchange for Woods doing a cover story for Men’s Fitness. Whatever happened to journalistic integrity, National Enquirer and Men’s Fitness?

Did I mention that one of the women accusing Woods of repeatedly sleeping with them was on Tool Academy?

NBC hasn’t renewed a labor contract with the National Association of Broadcast Employees and Technicians (that expired in March) and are using non-union folks for many of their live broadcasts. The NABET has threatened to strike, starting with tonight’s tree-lighting ceremony. NBC insists that, even if they strike, the Christmas tree show will go on.

That show, but not Southland. Jerks.

The fourth racketeering trial (in five years!) for John “Junior” Gotti has ended in (drumroll, please) a (fourth) mistrial.

Will the feds re-try him? And if so, will they be able to prevent jury tampering (again)?

Methinks yes… and no.

Michael Goodwin rails against NATO and takes pride in explaining to his teenage daughter why we’re still in Afghanistan (“‘Why do we have to do it?’ she wondered. The answer is simple: No one else will.”).

He also whines some more about holding the 9/11 trial in NYC. Blah blah bleh.

In other (lack of) justice news, the jury in the Joe Bruno trial is deadlocked on six of the eight corruption charges against Bruno.

The system works the shaft.

A silent (but in color!) home movie of Marilyn Monroe has been discovered. In it, she (seemingly) smokes a joint.

Marilyn Monroe did drugs? I am outraged and will now boycott all of her movies.

One of the many women who drove drunk and wound up killing and/or severely injuring children as a result, Carmen Huertas (one 11-year-old dead and 6 other kids — including her daughter — injured), has tried to commit suicide “a number of times” since the crash on October 11th.

We need to find the people who keep stopping her and distract them.

Michaele Salahi (if you look at her up close) is ugly. B’also? She’s a liar. So’s her husband. They’re fame-whores.  They say they were invited to the state dinner. Proof has been found that they weren’t (and that they knew they weren’t). But every microphone that gets shoved in their faces gives them a little thrill, so keep interviewing them and giving them more exposure.

Then sue Bravo.

Cindy Adams says that Rudy 9iu11ani might be gunning for Baseball Commissioner.

And that David Spade was seen in the West Village on Sunday at noon “looking like he was out all night or maybe could use a shower.”

I liked it so much better when she was on her extended Thanksgiving hiatus.

Rich Lowry says that last night, Obama “inspired no confidence.”

Upchuck Penises (sorry, Ralph Peters) says Obama is Setting Up Our Military To Fail.

Obama’s Surge reiterates (for the cheap seats?) that Obama didn’t say “win” in his speech (“Not once.”), but later (miraculously) it continues, “For now, though, Americans should support the president — his decision, the troops and their mission.” I hope they fire whatever defeatist hippie wrote that.

Rea Hederman (he [!] is a senior policy analyst at The Heritage Foundation) reveals “the real bottom line on Reid’s health reform” which is, naturally, You Will Pay More.

Michelle Malkin reveals that global warming is all made up by liberal monsters (and that she is a hateful shrew).

Google says it will allow media companies to limit access to their paid content.

The Post and The New York Times both allow people to read pretty much the entire newspaper in exchange for an e-mail address. I wonder if this will change that…

Ragtime might be closing on January 3rd. Bye Bye Birdie is mos def closing on January 24th.

The Knicks won! They’re 4-14 now!

But the Nets… oh, the Nets… they play their 18th game tonight. Will their awfulness break records? Fingers crossed!

(although they’ve got a new [male!] coach named Kiki Vandeweghe, so maybe the other team’s giggling will help them win?)

Allen Iverson is playing for the 76ers? Again?

History repeats itself!

Rex Ryan brought Joe Girardi to the Jets’ practice to have him teach Mark Sanchez how to slide.

Hilarious.

The Yankees offered no arbitration to Pettitte, Damon or Matsui (or Hairston Jr., Hinske, Molina and Nady).

I love them all (and would love to see them all return), but the only person I am adamant about seeing in pinstripes next year is Andy (if he doesn’t retire)(again).

Linda Stasi is horrified (shocked, I tell you!) after watching Inside the Mind of Google. “Did you know that no, you do not own your own Google searches?”

Actually, I was aware that Google keeps all of our searches on file, along with all of our gmail and all of our other Google-aided web activities. But I also know that they don’t share it with anyone. Yes, this could change and yes, some third party may become amused (or shocked, I tell you!) by my various “I’m bored” Google searches. But until that happens, I’m happy for the free mail account, the free video chats I can have with my friends across the country, the free web searches and the free videos on their subsidiary YouTube.

Hey, Linda? Did you know that you do not own your own poorly-written columns for the Post?

Hey, BOC! Great news! Fantasia Barrino is getting a new reality show on VH1!

No, it isn’t called Please Read Me This or Learnin’ To Pay M’Bills.

It’s called Fantasia For Real.

I sincerely hope that Disney sues the show for copyright infringement. Or public indecency.

Also making the leap to reality TV is that idiot lady from South Carolina (that narrows it down) who tried to explain why many Americans can’t find their own country on a map during the Miss Teen USA 2007 pagaent.

Look for Caitlin Upton on the next season of The Amazing Race (or, better yet, don’t).

Realizing how strange it would be for her to gush (again) about a reality TV show so soon after declaring the entire genre to be beneath contempt, Michael Starr takes time away from his puzzling Starr Report (today he informs us that Leighton Meester was “hangin’ at the Nylon mag party [1Oak]“ and that “Richie Ornstein’s brother, grappler ‘Wildman’ Jack Armstrong, helped Lou Ferrigno recover from hip/knee surgery”) to tell us (again) how inspirational and wonderful Find My Family is.

Dane Cook will be on The Jay Leno Show tonight.

You have been warned.

Happy Hump Day!

2 Comments
Dailies

Yawn.

1st December
2009
written by jed

I can’t wake up. My eyelids are heavy, my head is throbbing and the prospect of eating another egg makes me mildly nauseous. I checked HuffPo and watched the Salahis being interviewed by Matt Lauer (they insist they were totes invited to the state dinner, natch). Other things I learned: The New York Post is being sued by another former employee (Austin Fenner, who is Black) for engaging in “racially-motivated news coverage” and for “routinely humiliating” and openly (and frequently) “cursing at” Fenner (not to mention firing him on the day the other person sued them for similar racist charges); Romania’s president punched a 10-year-old boy in the face (I watched it!); the epigram to chapter 3 of “Sarah Palin’s” “book” is credited to UCLA basketball coach John Wooden when it was actually a quote by Native American activist John Wooden Legs (you betcha!); the first gay marriage in Argentina has been put on hold by a judge (until, she says, the Supreme Court can weigh in); 75% of the stimulus remains unspent (but if you tell people that the full amount has been spent, then it makes it easier to say it didn’t work, right, GOP?); Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wy.) objects to Harry Reid’s proposal to post online all health-care bill amendments; a bunch of bouncers at Jay-Z’s 40/40 Club beating up two people outside the club (I watched it!); and Bill O’Reilly told Mike Huckabee that the actions of the guy he pardoned (who went on to rape and molest his 12-year-old relative and kill four cops) “wasn’t your fault.” By the way, Bill, it wasn’t a 60-year sentence that Mike commuted. It was a 108-year sentence. Still think it was too harsh, Mr. The World Is 3,000 Years Old?

And now, the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson.

The Post has an EXCLUSIVE on the front page today (TIGER & ME) that promises Beautiful ‘other woman’ reveals the truth about her relationship with sports’ biggest star, while the introduction to the 2-page follow-up claims that it contains “sensational details about the rumors.” Well, the article begins, “‘This is ridiculous. Not a word of it is true,’ Rachel Uchitel told the Post.”

The other two pages of EXCLUSIVE are even less sensational (unless you consider Uchitel claiming that one of the two sources of the rumor once got 3,000 euros to have sex with someone but the guy got his money back after after two minutes because the woman passed out from Quaaludes “sensational”).

Stop, the presses.

Current 2012 GOP frontrunners for the presidency (according to a Washington Post-ABC poll):

Mitt Romney: 9%

Mike Huckabee: 10%

“Some other unnamed contender”: 15%

Sarah Palin: 17%

Undecided: 40%

Page 6 is an ad for Page Six (which is never on page 6) and their glossy magazine which will be inserted into Thursday’s paper. Padma Lakshmi is on the cover! She used to sleep with Salman Rushdie! On purpose!

For the seven-day period ending last Sunday at midnight, New York City had 36 shootings with 45 victims (9 of whom were fatalities).

The three bridges rated worst in the state? The Tappan Zee, the Kosciuszko and the Goethals.

But don’t worry. “All three bridges are up for reconstruction in the next decade.”

Oh no! Roman Polanski is still in jail!

Is he having trouble coming up with the $4,500,000 bail? Maybe all those Hollywood assholes who signed that petition will help.

Unless they’re afraid that Polanski will skip bail. But why would they think that?

Cindy Adams is risen.

Cindy talks (a lot) about Rachel Uchitel and how much she knows about her life and family, but doesn’t actually weigh in on whether or not she thinks there’s any merit to the rumors. “Sports people say sexting is like skywriting.” is as close to an opinion as we get. What we do get, though, is a list of horrible things that happened to her on Thanksgiving, which includes:

“2) To take time off, my housekeeper prepared a sandwich for me. What looked like a caraway seed then moved. It was an ant.

3) She also prepped the coffee machine so I had ony to turn it on. I turned it on. It was too hot, and my lip now has a throbbing blister.

4) My front door’s identifying marker fell off by itself, leaving holes and marred paint on the outside.

6) The clock on my kitchen wall stopped dead.”

Please follow suit.

ACORN set out to defeat GOP pols: memo is chock full of indignation and implied nefariousness.

Until you get to paragraph five which begins, “Politicking by ACORN itself is legal…”

…except they do it for the wrong party.

Oh, the MTA. Is there nothing you can do?

Since they decided that human beings don’t need to physically be in stations to assist commuters, they’ve been posting billboards on the booths that used to be manned. The billboards point to an intercom that straphangers can use in case of an emergency, “but the arrows are often wide of their mark. Some point to random spaces on the booth or even the floor.”

“Jed, you can stop standing on his throat. He’s dead.”

“No.”

Remember when the Sharpton ladies got arrested? Well, Fat Al’s daughter (according to prosecutors) told police “I have a play to go to — this is fucking bullshit!” And her mother allegedly yelled at police, “Why the fuck are you locking her up? Get your fucking hands off her!”

Everyone in the Sharpton family is classy!

O’s Window Dressing by Regurgitant Phalluses (sorry, Ralph Peters) rips apart Obama’s speech on Afghanistan. Which Obama is scheduled to give… tonight.

“Dig beneath the fancy bow, ribbons and gift wrap to find out if anything’s in Obama’s box. You’ll find this strategic gift is half bicycle, half pony — and charged to your account.”

Not sure what he’s talking about, but I do know that he’s an idiot.

I thoroughly enjoyed the novel The Chocolate War. I also loved the movie based on it.

And yet, I can’t seem to make myself care about the Kraft/Hershey’s/Cadbury battle.

I blame Atkins.

Since November 6th, Motorola has sold 800,000 Droid phones.

If you own one, you know why.

Last week, Jim Cramer said he was in favor of a tax on stock trading, in order to pay down the national debt.

Yesterday, Jim Cramer told MSNBC, “I am against the trader tax. I don’t want this tax because it will discourage people from coming back into the market.”

Yutz.

Are you. Fucking. Kidding me?

And I thought the Tauntaun sleeping bag was amazing…

Scott Boras says that there are plenty of teams who would love to sign his client, Johnny Damon, to a muliple-year contract.

Thanks again, Johnny. Good luck wherever you wind up.

Joel Sherman whines that Alex Rodriguez deserves the award for Sportsman of the Year more than Derek Jeter.

Shut up, Joel.

New York Giant Justin Tuck insists that his team will make this year’s playoffs.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan insists that his team will make this year’s playoffs.

I insist that they are both wrong.

Chip Caray will no longer be doing baseball commentary on TBS (or whatever you’d call what he was doing in that booth).

Monk is ending its run after 8 seasons. The last episode airs this Friday.

Sorry, Mom.

And now, I must away. I need to get some fish and cheese. And, sigh, eggs.

Kisses!

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