Archive for January, 2010
Teresa is sick. I am sick.
For the first time since Dog Court’s streak began, I am considering not attending the Magnet Inferno.
And despite feeling worse than I do, my incredible wife went out this morning (while I slept) and got a Post. Then she cooked duck bacon. I’m pretty lucky (though sick).
Now let’s get to it so I can go back to napping and coughing up phlegm.
Chuck Schumer doesn’t want the 9/11 trial in New York City — or New York state.
I’ve got it –we’ll have the trial in outer space!
Some burglars have stolen more than $150,000 in jewelry, electronics and sports memorabilia from Jayson Williams’ estate… in South Carolina.
If I were Williams’ attorney, I could have used the fact that he owns a home in South Carolina as proof that he was mentally unfit to stand trial.
A pack of “crazed, hungry beagles” has been “terrorizing” Long Island.
Which gives me an idea for a sitcom. A cranky old Jew (Eli Wallach) has a fear of animals but winds up falling in love with an abandoned pack of feral beagles that he finds one day in the park. The dogs are kind to Wallach, but his nurse’s aide (Kellie Martin as Vivian Schmear) is always subjected to their darker side whenever Wallach leaves the room.
I call it A Dozen Beagles and a Schmear and I’m waiting for your call, NBC.
There will be a Season Two of MTV’s Jersey Shore and it looks like the original cast has re-signed on. But they won’t be staying at the Jersey Shore (!!) this time around. Sources say that Delaware, the Hamptons and other locations are being scouted.
How about an elementary school? I’d love to see them interact with other people at a fifth-grade reading level.
Goodwin!
Mideast immune to Bam’s ‘magic’ is a curiosity. Goodwin refers to Jerusalem as a “magical city” but that’s the only mention of magic outside of the piece’s title. At no point does Goodwin explain what Obama’s “magic” is supposed to refer to (is Goodwin implying that Obama is a Magic Jerome?). Solid journalism, Mike.
The revolution even reaches liberal Apple begins, “The victory against holding the 9/11 terror trial in Manhattan is evidence that what happened in Massachusetts didn’t stay there. New York is having its own Boston Tea Party. Politicians — beware. The public is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.”
So voters choosing the charismatic Brown over the repugnant Croakley is the same thing as Bloomberg and Schumer telling Obama not to hold the 9/11 trial here, which is the same thing as the original Boston Tea Party. Solid. Journalism. B’also? Paddy Chayefsky is turning in his grave over your butchering (and misappropriation) of one of his best lines.
Client No. who? is a 4-sentence gem. “Eliot Spitzer is giving advice on love and avoiding stupid things. It’s tempting to ask what he knows about either, but that would just encourage him. Better to ignore him. That’s the one thing he can’t stand.”
And, once again, I will point out that the shitty paper that this shitty writer works for has given the prostitute that Spitzer frequented her own weekly column where she dispenses advice on love to stupid things.
Why do I do this to myself on the weekend?
Who’s dumber?
Highway Patrol Officer Nelson Robles has been a policeman for 15 years. He decided to go to Lydig Coffee House for some coffee yesterday morning and figured, “Why not leave the keys in the ignition of my marked SUV with the engine running?”
Anibal Lugo, 48, saw the SUV, got in and drove away. Cops found him soon after. He was dressed like a cop.
This morning was kind of awesome.
Like the five days before it, it started with my walking to Pierre’s and getting a paper. Except today there was a line. Fist in line was a man buying his groceries (unnerving). Then there was the woman carrying her tiny dog in a baby sling. The dog was wearing a sweater and cap. In a baby sling.
I stood in the line of three and wondered why the woman even bothered taking the dog out of the apartment in the first place; this couldn’t be described (in any language) as taking the dog for a walk. The woman turned and smiled at me. I smiled back and decided to look at the paper I was waiting to buy. Most of the front page is devoted to that knucklehead Obama (in reference to his recent Q & A with the GOP where they showed America that they’d rather hit their talking points than engage in rational discourse and he reminded America that a Harvard Law Degree makes you real smart-like? Of course not — it’s about the 9/11 trial possibly moving to Gitmo [GIT-D'OH!].). But on top of that is a picture of a dog (the exact same kind this woman was cradling) with the headline Does your dog really need a coat?
I saw that, chuckled, and looked back up to see the woman, her smile rapidly fading as she scanned the headline that made me chuckle. Her eyes darted back up at mine, as if to say, “Oh, is that what you think? That my dog shouldn’t be dressed like people?”
I mentally patted myself on the back for remembering to wear tinted sunglasses as the woman swiveled around, offering me a view of her back. The man left with his groceries and the woman spent a good solid minute making baby noises as “Pierre” (or, as I call him, Gort) played along in broken English.
It might have been my imagination, but I think I heard the woman “hmph!” at me as she exited with her bagel.
So thank you, Post, for the unintentional comedy that unfolded today. And all before I had a chance to sip my coffee.
(starts reading paper)
I take it back. This newspaper is a jerk.
The continuation of the (main) cover story is on pages 4 and 5 and contain plenty of awful mini-pieces under a hilarious banner headline (BAY WHAT? GITMO EYED FOR KHALID). Rich Lowry’s A sheik-up call for O’s Justice joker is not, sadly, about The Joker. It’s also, sadly, written by Rich Lowry (who coins the new nickname for the idea of holding the trial in Manhattan — “Holder’s Folly”).
Osama blows eco-smoke reveals that Osama bin Laden’s latest video tape contains his views on global warming:
“This is a message to the whole world about those responsible for climate change and its repercussions — whether intentionally or unintentionally — and about the action we must take. Speaking about climate change is not a matter of intellectual luxury. The phenomenon is an actual fact.”
Great. So now if you believe in global warming, you’re on bin Laden’s side. Score.
Grim new WTC sift says that anthropologists will soon start sifting through Ground Zero debris to find more human remains. No word on why this sifting of debris (the last one took place in 2007) is considered grim (as opposed to jejune or randy — maybe because it reminds us of the gaping wound that remains at Ground Zero?).
Page 2 must be a typo — Obama’s Medicaid boo$t for weak NY claims that Obama plans on raising the amount of money New York will get for Medicaid in 2011 by 6.2%. The article also says that $25,000,000,000 in additional Medicaid money will be made available to the 50 states, but not who gets how much.
Because this is a horrible newspaper.
Loverboy Eliot lacks mojo: gals begins, “Memo to Eliot Spitzer: Leave the romance advice to Ashley Dupre.”
Memo to The New York Post and all the women they interviewed who scoffed at Spitzer offering advice on love (folks like Ebony Ruffin, 29, who said, “It’s ridiculous. He needs to sit down and be quiet. No one values his take on love. It’s like he wants more attention.”): Ashley Dupre is a whore (pronounced “who-err”). How about you seek advice from someone who didn’t fuck strangers for money? How about you not value the “take on love” of an admitted whore?
Page Six (today on page 10) reports that Kyle Smith has seen Joel Schumacher’s new movie (Twelve) at Sundance and that it stinks. I can report that I saw his last movie (Town Creek, aka Blood Creek), which was about Nazi vampire zombies that can resurrect the dead — even dead horses — and it stinks.
Ah… the Obama-vs.-the-GOP Q & A session is on page 12 (Prez vs. GOP is a rip-roaring bout). But it’s an Associated Press article, which means that Churley Hurt isn’t accusing Obama of being an elitist jerk. So… what’s the point of reading it?
The NFL has issued cease-and-desist letters to t-shirt makers who have been producing shirts that say “WHO DAT?”
The NFL claims they own “WHO DAT?”
The XFL, on the other hand, is still patiently waiting for “HE HATE ME” to catch on and encourages anyone that wants to co-opt the odd slogan to do so.
Ronald Radosh writes a lovely op-ed about Howard Zinn (The History of Zinn) wherein he explains that the recently-departed historian “preferred propaganda” to facts and that his contention that history wasn’t about “understanding the past” but, rather, “changing the future” “should have disqualified him anyone from referring to him as a historian.”
Classy.
L. Brent Bozell III’s Feminist Fury at Super Bowl ‘Choice’ bemoans all of the “feminists” who are angry about the Super Bowl ad that CBS accepted from Focus on the Family. Bozell says the decision “caused a firestorm with the radical Left because that group is proudly Christian.”
Hey, L. Brent? How do you and your proudly Christian buddies feel about two men kissing in an ad? It’s against Jeebus, right?
B’also? It isn’t just the radical Left and feminists who find it in poor taste to broadcast an anti-abortion ad during the Super Bowl, but not allow any homos to promote gay dating sites.
The Nets’ recent winning streak ends at 1.
They lost last night to Washington — by just 2 points! — bringing their total number of games won in 2010 to 1 and giving them a win percentage of 8.9%.
P.U.!
This is kind of sad.
Johnny Damon — who refused a 2-year/$14,000,000 contract with the Yankees earlier in this off-season — has started sounding like a battered wife.
“I’m not ruling out New York, whenever it is, whether I start the season with them, or whether they trade for me at the deadline, or if they sign me next year, or what not. I love New York.”
1) White people, even those with Indian blood, aren’t allowed to use “what not” (except ironically).
2) You aren’t starting the season with the Yankees.
3) The Yankees aren’t going to trade for you at the deadline.
4) The Yankees prolly aren’t going to sign you next year.
“I definitely thought there would be more talks monetarily-wise with the Yankees,” Damon also said.
I wish he was still a Yankee, too. But, unlike Damon, I’ve moved on.
CBS will be airing a 2005 TV movie starring Keri Russell and Skeet Ulrich tonight. You have been warned.
Happy Saturday!
BAM BLINKS is:
a) stripping at FleshDancers tonight with April Chest (cover: $5, 2 drink minimum)
b) a Gorgeous Lady Of Wrestling
c) today’s headline, signifying that Obama has asked Eric Holder to look into moving the 9/11 trial out of the secene in the crime (Bloomberg and the Post’s game of NIMHITG [Not In My Hole In The Ground] seems to have worked).
d) the sound of someone with a hairlip ordering breakfast at Denny’s
It’s c and I’m disappointed.
Also on the cover, is Cupid (with Eliot Spitzer’s head! LOL!) and the headline Just in time for Valentine’s Day: Eliot’s advice on love. The page 3 (!) story (CLIENT 9 NOW STUPID CUPID) mocks Spitzer for his “cringe-inducing comments “ on what he believes “the meaning of love” is. And the right side of the page is a giant photo of Ashley Dupre in a bikini — she’s the whore that counted Spitzer among her clientele and who now gets paid by the Post to offer advice to readers on everything from how to raise children to how to date interracially.
The hypocrisy is dizzying.
President Obama is going to ask Congress for more than double what they gave last year for medical treatment for 9/11 first responders — $150,000,000. Last year they gave $71,000,000 in funds.
Any conservatives want to criticize that move? Butt out, big gub’mint? No government-funded healthcare? Anyone?
Michelle Malkin’s new byline photo is almost as silly as she is.
I wasn’t impersonating a telephone repairman to bug her telephone; I was dressed like a telephone repairman so that I could say that her phone was broken and then I would film her reaction and then re-cut it so that it looked like the senator’s staff didn’t care that the phones don’t work and then I would get the government to cut off funding for Louisiana. Also, I look suspiciously like Garrett Palm.
So CBS OK’s a Super Bowl ad (from the God-fearing folks at Focus on the Family) where someone basically explains why abortion is wrong. That’s OK.
Two men kissing? On behalf of a gay dating site (called ManCrunch.com)? No way. Uh-uh. Not gonna happen. CBS told ManCrunch that all the ad space had been sold. No room at the inn, as it were. There is currently available ad space.
Well done, CBS. Why should NBC be getting all of the hate mail?
Protect Our Children (which has one person on its staff — Kevin Gillick) mailed a flier to a number of homes in the neighborhood of Sun Life Stadium in Miami (home of this year’s Super Bowl). They (he) wanted to warn them about a potentially dangerous sex offender who would be in town soon.
And that man… just might turn Miami…
(slowly puts on sunglasses)
… into a teenage wasteland.
YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
An article about the murder of Nancy Kerrigan’s father (at the hands — literally — of her brother) has the headline Nancy’s ‘killer’ bro jealous. It seems he resented all of te attention Nancy got from their father. And the first sentence?
“Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.”
(it’s a Brady Bunch reference)
Those six indicted Sigma Gamma Rho gals from Rutgers starved one of their pledges for eight days and paddled her ass every night. “The victim’s rear end became so bloody and wounded that she had to be hospitalized.”
The “ritual” was designed to “humble” the victim.
I can totally understand why she wanted to join this sorority.
Remember that British couple in Dubai who complained that a hotel waiter had raped her and they got charged for sharing a room and “having sex outside marriage”? Well, they produced their wedding certificate, so Dubai dropped those charges.
Now they’re just being charged with “consuming alcohol without permission.”
Dubai has really nice hotels, sure, but your wife might get raped and then you’ll go to jail for having a drink.
The president of Argentina (Christina Fernandez) announced that she had a “randy weekend with her husband” and attributes it to the barbecued pork they ate.
Having eaten the food in Argentina, I can easily see that happening.
Rupert Murdoch, who built a newspaper empire by running naked breasts on page 5 (or was it 3?) every day (and then attributing the paper’s boost in circulation to the great journalists on his payroll), has Bill O’Reilly as a Post columnist and today’s The Earthquake Hitting Cable News should make Rupe proud.
“Watch out. America is moving to the right, and it’s happening fast.” His proof? According to a poll of Americans stupid enough to participate in a poll, 49% trust “Fox News” and 37% don’t. 31% trust ABC News, but 46% don’t. NBC News got a 35% trust rating vs. a 44% don’t trust rating. CNN scored 39% to 41%. CBS News scored 32% to 46%.
“Nearly half the country trusts FNC; nobody else is even close.”
No, Bill. Half the people with nothing better to do than answer questions about how much they trust any of the people who have to “punch up” the news to stand out in a 24-hour-news-cycle-scape say they “trust” Fox News. I “trust” them to be disingenuous, to push their own agenda and to perform the yellowest journalism since Hearst.
For most simple people at a concert, the hope is that the band will play familiar songs. On the news, they want someone that agrees with them to project their feelings into his/her broadcast. The simple fear change and/or the unknown. That’s not someting to celebrate, Bill.
(unless you make millions off of the stupidity of your viewers/listeners)
Rest in peace, Miramax.
You had a good run there for a while.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick (whose name rhymes with “Jew Epidemic”) gives the Mel Gibson and Ray Winstone vehicle Edge of Darkness three stars (“Payback’s a bitch.”), two stars to the Ray Winstone and Ian McShane vehicle 44 Inch Chest (“an extended acting exercise”), and zero stars (!!!) to When In Rome (“a strong contender for worst movie of the year”).
Kyle Smith gives Saint John of Las Vegas two and a half stars (“Hardly a divine comedy”).
Pete Hammond says, “Edge of Darkness will keep you on the edge of your seat.” He also calls When In Rome “entertaining and full of laughs.” And Extraordinary Measures is a “solidly well-crafted and engrossing drama.”
Jay Leno on Oprah was harder to watch than the faceless chimp-maul victim on Oprah.
“I wasn’t the reason [for O'Brien's firing]. The reason was the ratings.”
Fuck you, chin.
Kitchen Nightmares is returning tonight at 9:00! And he’s in Philadelphia!
Just when TV seemed to be a desolate wasteland, Gordon Ramsay returns to yell at people.
All is right in the world.
Have a great weekend, kiddies!
My day is off to a phenomenal start.
Discovered we were out of toilet paper this morning, so I went to Target (they open at 8:00 a.m.!) and bought some. Then I thought, “Hey! We need cheese!” so I went to Pathmark. Did you know that Pathmark doesn’t put out their fish and pork products until some time after 8:30? Me neither! But it means that I spent almost two hours hopping on buses, waiting on lines, resenting every Target employee ever and standing in the snow (did I mention it was snowing for the entire journey?) and I still don’t have dinner for tonight.
But I do have a (slightly wet) Post, so let’s do this thing.
Obama 2.0
Tries to reboot his troubled presidency
That’s the front page headline. The banner across pages 8 and 9 is ‘TRUST’ PLEA BY THE NEW OBAMA and once again Maggie Haberman somehow manages to get an intelligent and honest assessment article (this time on Obama’s first State of the Union) published in America’s worst newspaper.
To balance out Maggie’s intelligence, Churley Hurt offers They still trust him? Go figure. It’s the kind of story that Bart Simpson would cover on his “Bart’s People” segment on Kids News. It begins:
“STERLING, Va. — The state of the union here in Strip Mall America remains bleak, which could spell doom for Democrats in congressional elections later this year.
But here at Glory Days Grill, President Obama, while getting a little bruised by voters watching last night’s State of the Union Address, could still revel in his past glory of high oratory and soaring promises of hope and change. Glory Days is a sports bar where the bartender, Tyler Orpin, really does know everybody’s name.
It’s also the sort of place where folks watching images on TV of the president and Michelle Obama out on the town at 9 p.m. blurt out with a slight hint of disgust: ‘Who’s watching the kids?’”
Delivering the State of the Fucking Union is being “out on the town”?!? Did this actually happen or is Churley pulling a Jayson Blair? Either way, Churley still draws a salary? Go figure.
On the next two pages, “Post panelists” give the SotU a C+ (“for a worn, but well-turned speech” that contained “virtually nothing new”).
Samuel Alito, who is a phenomenal douchebag and also a Supreme Court Justice, pulled a silent “Joe” Wilson move and mouthed “no it won’t” or “you’re wrong” or “I masturbate to gay porn” or something when Obama spoke out against the recent turning over of our government to corporations.
And Jonah Goldberg tries to out-Churley Churley with OBAMA’S ANSWER FOR AMERICA: MORE OF ME.
“There’s a story of an exhausted tenor at La Scala who, facing repeated cries of ‘Encore,’ responded that he couldn’t go on. A man rose in the audience to say, ‘You’ll keep singing until you get it right.’ That seems to be the defining principle of the Obama administration — whose response to every problem, every setback, every hiccup and challenge has been, simply, ‘more Obama.’”
What a great analogy! Wait… is the Obama administration the tenor or the man? And what is Jonah Goldberg?
But Obama is only 1/3 of the front page. The rest goes to MOVE IT! Mike demands the 9/11 trial get outta town. That’s right, Mayor Bloomberg has taken time away from his war on salt to change his opinion on the 9/11 trial. Now he doesn’t want it in Manhattan because it will cost $1,000,000,000 to do so.
And so Bloomberg’s enemies list expands to salt, soda, trans fats, cigarettes and justice.
Bloomberg suggested that the trial take place at the Federal Correctional Institution in Otisville. Isn’t that the city that Gene Hackman was going to rename for Ned Beatty in the original Superman?
The new iPad is, um, underwhelming. Sorry, Apple.
Call me when there’s a webcam installed at the top. And it isn’t so ridiculously expensive.
(though the fact that it weighs 1.5 pounds is kind of amazing)
Oh, Rutgers. You so hazy.
Six members of the Sigma Gamma Rho sorority have been arrested and charged with putting their pledges “through a horrific eight-day nightmare of beatings and starvation.”
Why oh why did I go to a college without fraternities and sororities? I might have been able to torture someone!
A man stole $1,000,000 from a jewelry store on Madison Avenue and he shot a 71-year-old employee, killing him.
The store, R.S. Durant Jewelers, had no security camera (!) and “a door buzzer designed to keep out suspicious characters was on the fritz.”
I call inside job.
Michael Douglas’ son (Cameron Douglas, who looks eerily like Rachel Maddow) will be going to prison for “at least 10 years” after pleading guilty to dealing “large quantities of methamphetamine and cocaine from a trendy Manhattan hotel.”
He should have beat a toddler to death with a hairbrush. Much lighter sentence.
Skin cells taken from mice tails have successfully been turned into neurons capable of forming connections “crucial to brain function.”
I love it when science plays God.
Brittany Murphy’s husband (Simon Monjack) blames his wife’s death on Warner Bros.’ decision to fire her from the sequel to Happy Feet. Simon says (hands on your nose!) the stress of the firing killed her and is suing the studio. He found her as she passed away. “I immediately started doing CPR. I felt a tiny heartbeat. I was pushing with the heel of my hand. And every second I pushed, I felt my hand become stronger and her heart weaker. And then it stopped. And I kept pushing. She died in my arms.”
I’m no doctor, but it sounds like maybe you killed her, Simon.
Too soon?
Cindy Adams continues to defy the laws of temporal physics.
Mandrea!
Thee’s a lot of shrill whining today about all sorts of things, but once I read her straight-but-mannish-faced Enquiring minds are cheated out of Pulitzer, I knew nothing else could compare to it.
Apparently, she’s angry that the National Enquirer (whose own website bills it as “the original celebrity entertainment magazine”) isn’t being awarded a Pulitzer Prize.
“Old Joseph Pulitizer is doing flip-flops in his grave.”
She’s becoming Lady Armond White.
Remember Kisha Jones, 31? She (allegedly) tried to poison her husband’s out-of-wedlock child (both while in utero and as then as a newborn) and is facing related charges.
Now she’s facing a new charge: Impersonating a hospital administrator and trying to have the baby taken off a respirator.
Whyever did her husband cheat on her?
Elizabeth Edwards and John Edwards have legally separated.
I forget, Post, who should I despise more?
And they call it Hollywood II.
Edinburgh Zoo in Scotlad has trained chimpanzees how to use video cameras and are letting them “produce and direct their own films.”
In a related story, Valentine’s Day opens February 12th.
Monsignor Michael Dempsey, 77, founded the Catholic Telemedia Network in 1966, which aired The Prayer Channel (now known as NET). He served as the Brooklyn diocese’s executive director of pastoral communications from 1978 through 2009.
Guess who just got kicked out of his home at Our Lady Queen of Martyrs Church in Forest Hills, Queens (where he has lived since 1961). And guess who’s being investigated by Immigrations and Customs. I’ll give you a hint: His initials are M.D.
And the charges’ initials are Child. Pornography.
“Goodwin is right on the money.”
“Goodwin sure nails Obama.”
“Bravo for Goodwin.”
“Goodwin is a sewage-gargling hippo-fart whose opinions would shame the mentally handicapped.”
“Goodwin hit a home run.”
“Brilliant work, Goodwin!”
“Goodwin says what must be said…”
Guess which one of these opening sentences readers’ letters I wrote.
It only took them 44 games.
The Nets won their 4th game last night (by 16 points!). They are now 4-40 (9.1%).
Have we reached a major turning point in the Worst Season Ever?
Nah.
Gilbert Arenas is banned from the NBA for the rest of this season and the Wizards may void his contract.
You should have just paid Javaris what you owed him, son.
The Yankees have a $2,000,000 left fielder, but it isn’t Johnny Damon.
It’s Randy Winn (who, to my knowledge, didn’t steal second and third base on the same pitch in the World Series for the Yankees).
So… goodbye (for good this time), Johnny Damon.
Oh, this is interesting. Did you hear this? Have you heard about this?
The finale (pronounced “finally” in an exasperated whine) of The Jay Leno Show will air on February 9th. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno will (re-)premiere on March 1st. People stopped caring on January 8th.
Hey, Larry the Cable Guy! Describe your new show on the History Channel!
“It’s kind of like the redneck Charles Kuralt.”
Wow. OK, now make a joke about the History Channel that not only isn’t funny but will also demonstrate that Larry the Cable Guy doesn’t understand the concept of cable channels.
“We still show Deliverance on the History Channel where I’m from.”
Nice. Now git-r-down some stairs.
Be careful what you wish for, Jed.
VH1 will be airing some music-related programming tonight! Storytellers: John Mayer at 8:00 p.m.
I already wish I was watching someone make bims on Flavor Flav’s floor (Flavfloor?).
Teresa just got home (she’s sick), so it’s time to dote. Stay warm and dry and I’ll see you all tomorrow.
Wonderful… wonderful…
EDITED TO ADD: Sadly, you have to click on the “Watch it on YouTube” thingy as it is no longer available outside of that site. Le sigh. But it’s worth it, I promise.
Months after telling folks they’d have to pay $5 a week (or $260 a year) to read Newsday online, they have thirty-five (35) subscribers.
I get more than that every day!
That means that I’m better than Newsday! Which is kind of like placing the bar on the floor, sure, but it’s still a nice ego-stroke as I sip my coffee.
“But, Jed, your blog is free so you can’t really compare…”
“Shut up.”
Am I the only person who cried during the Jersey Shore reunion?
If so, is it because I was the only person punching himself in the nards for watching it?
Natavia Lowery killed Linda Stein. She denies it, but she did it. It’s been established (by her own admission) that Lowery stole $30,000 from Stein (during the few months she worked for her) and the logistics all point the finger squarely at Lowery. Now come the surveillance tapes (RED-HANDED).
Oopsy! Someone forgot that all those fancy buildings on the Upper East Side have surveillance cameras in the lobby. Might someone change her plea?
Community Board 1 voted unanimously to NOT have the 9/11 trial in lower Manhattan.
I hope they take comfort in the fact that this is amusing al Qaeda to no end.
Mike Bloomberg says he has “no plans” to run for Presdent in 2012.
I wonder if he actually said “I have/know plans to run for President in 2012.”
Bill Gates was at Sundance? And he danced at a party?
Page 3 of today’s Post, ladies and gentlemen. All of page 3 (MICROSOFT-SHOE).
Interseting layout for pages 4 and 5.
The 2-page banner headline is O KNOWS IT’S THE STUPID ECONOMY. Maggie Haberman’s accompanying article is informative and non-partisan, which I find confusing and disquieting.
Churlie Hurt’s Five talking pointers for clueless prez is more traditionally Post-y. His pointers? “1. Take the voodoo out of your economics.” And, presumably, the bone out of your nose. “2. Since you appear to suddenly care about the deep economic maw into which our deficits are dragging us, you must do so much more than ‘freeze’ a small portion of federal spending.” Since you appear to continue being a disingenuous asshole, you must stop pretending that the freeze covers only “a small portion” or that Obama hasn’t ever cared about the economic shambles that the retarded cowboy left him. “3. Renew your vows to change the way Washington works.” First he’s naive to think he can change the system; now he’s a liar for not doing it fast enough. Awesome. “4. Send a timber-quaking message to America’s enemies.” Because there is so much timber in the deserts of the Middle East and the caves of Afghanistan. You’re a moron, Churlie. “5. When you arrive at Congress and after you have made your way down the center aisle of the chamber, but before you open your mouth, dismount from your high horse. Please do not give us one of your law-school lectures.” Because Amurrica hates an uppity Negro.
Also covered by the “STUPID ECONOMY” banner is the arrest of James O’Keefe. You may remember him as the guy who pretended he was a pimp and helped ACORN lose its funding. He’s described by the Post (in the first sentence!) as “a hero of conservatives.” He was caught, along with three other criminals, tring to bug Sen. Mary Landrieu’s phone.
“The truth shall set me free,” he told reporters after being released on $10,000 bail. Then he said, “veritas.” Which sounds a lot like law-school elitism.
Anderson Cooper is moving into the Fire Patrol 2 building on West Third Street. He’s having the old firehouse (the fire patrol was disbanded in 2006) made into a 4-story home. But he’s keeping the poles.
Is there anyone left who doubts his homosexuality?
Goodwin!
Khalid’s NY trial: Stop the insanity! insists (yet still again) that holding the 9/11 at the scene of the crime will unnecessarily endanger New Yorkers. Michael Goodwin, you are an old coward. NBA NITWIT’S FREE ‘SHOT’ laments that Javaris Crittenton was sentenced to probation, a $1,250 fine and community service through the NBA’s Haiti project. See, Mikey is mad that Javaris is being forced to do what others do out of kindness. But today’s best piece is Meet dumb and dumber, which begins “Now you know why we first have to kill the lawyers. It’s to keep them from saying stupid things.”
And that’s why we have to first kill Michael Goodwin. And Andrea Peyser. And Churlie Hurt. And Kyle Smith.
CBS Films is sad that Extraordinary Measures (father Brendan Fraser needs grumpy Harrison Ford to help him cure a disease — it’s Lorenzo’s Oil 2: The Rise of What Used To Be Indiana Jones) tanked at the box office (opening weekend: $6,012,594; production budget: $31,000,000), but they’re still excited about their next three releases: The Back-Up Plan (starring J. Lo!), the teen drama Beastly (starring Vanessa Hudgens, who I think was in High School Musical!) and Faster (starring Dwayne “The Rock and also The Tooth Fairy” Johnson!). However, sources say they’ll be cutting their marketing budgets in half.
They make horrible TV shows; why are people surprised that their movies are equally meh?
Oh no she dih-ih! Snooki (from Jersey Shore, natch) was eating at Shrine at Foxwoods (eating at a nightclub in a casino = classy) when she was informed that Jerry Springer was at a nearby table and wanted to say hello. Her manager and her father were both opposed to the meeting. She said that she was “way classier” than Springer and declined the meeting.
I’d say, as far as classiness goes, they’re tied.
Page Six (today on page 11) has a photo of Gary Coleman being wheeled (in a wheelchair) out of a Utah jail. The cop pushing him is laughing. Coleman isn’t.
Mr. Drummond and Mrs. Garrett declined my offer to comment. So did Pearl. And Adelaide.
Cindy Adams tells us about the Bold and Fresh Tour (Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck are touring the country to sell more books and spread more ignorance). The cheapest tickets are $71.50 (the priciest are $126.50).
“Beck kneeled down to say about the Massachusetts Senate victory: ‘Thank you, Jesus.’ O’Reilly never stopped saying and saying. Like on China buying US bonds: ‘What else can they invest in? They got enough restaurants.’”
1) Beck is a Mormon.
2) O’Reilly is a racist.
3) Cindy Adams is overdue.
B’also? Teresa’s Facebook friends (who don’t hide her feed) saw the photo she posted of Andrew McCarthy riding the train this morning with his two bratty kids. Cindy interviews him about them. “I have a boy of 7 and a girl of 3. Work is the easy part, raising them is what’s hard… Now kids have schedules. They’re so overcared for… Parenting is a full-time job.”
Then he talks about the movie he’s currently writing, producing and directing.
Some full-time job.
The MTA said their anti-terror initiative would cost $531,000,000.
To date, they have spent $833,000,000.
Now they say they don’t have enough money to finish it.
I say again, the MTA is staffed by war criminals. Try them in court or at a military tribunal (but don’t do it in NYC or Mikey Goodwin will cry!).
Regina Owens, 30, is today’s Parent of the Year of the Day (with apologies to The Daily Show’s Trial of the Century of the Year). Her 3-year-old soiled himself, so she stripped him and put him (and held him) in a bathtub filled with scalding-hot water. He suffered second-degree burns to his “legs, buttocks and genitals.”
Owens faces up to 25 years in prison. Next time, Regina? Beat him to death with a hairbrush. Much lighter sentence.
More video surveillance oopsies!
Michael Mineo claims that police sodomized him in a subway station when they arrested him in October of 2008. But video shows him “walking normally, showing no signs of pain, just moments after the incident.”
Oopsies!
Both prostitutes (sorry, strippers) in the he said/they said trial (the undercover cop said they offered him a threeway, they said they didn’t) have been cleared of all charges. Said “porn star and vindicated accused hooker Alexia Moore,” “[I'm going to start] a new chapter, a new beginning — a normal job… Anything to do with animals.”
[insert bestiality joke... here]
Why Jed isn’t a Christian reason #6139:
According to a new book, “Pope John Paul II whipped himself with a belt, even on vacation, and slept on the floor as acts of penitence and to bring him closer to Christian perfection.”
It’s what God would have wanted.
Hans Kurt Kubus was sentenced to 14 months in jail for trying to leave New Zealand with 44 geckos sewn into his underwear.
On the plus side, he saved $300 on his car insurance.
The editorial Come clean, Mr. Holder begins, “Whose side is the Justice Department on: America’s or the terrorists’?”
When the topic sentence is that stupid, I stop reading.
Michelle Malkin (where’s she been?) offers ‘FREEZE’ FOOLERY which concludes, “There will be no hands reaching across the aisle. [Obama's] too busy using them to point fingers at everyone else for his own political meltdown.”
It amazes me that people can accuse Obama of not “reaching across the aisle” enough over the last year. If the Republicans (or as my friend Jason calls them, the Republican’ts) weren’t so busy defecating in the aisle, then maybe people would reach across it.
Verizon is cutting 13,000 jobs this year. Home Depot is cutting 1,000.
I, on the other hand, found a penny this morning!
Sigh.
Citigroup shares are now trading at $3.15.
Michael Riedel cattily reminisces about Hollywood stars who have failed on Broadway. Quentin Tarantino in Wait Until Dark (“acting of sublime awfulness”), Ashley Judd in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (“she took cellphone calls during rehearsals”) and Farrah Fawcett in Bobbi Boland (“put out of its misery in previews”). But he likes Scarlett Johansson and Liev Schrieber in A View From the Bridge.
I only like Riedel when he’s catty.
Tangent!
I finally ate bone marrow the other day (it was part of my osso bucco). Can someone explain why this is considered a delicacy? It has the texture of snot and the taste of whatever utensil is used to eat it.
My Fabergé omelette was delicious, though.
Xavier Nady signed with the Cubs yesterday for $3,300,000.
So we don’t have Melky, Nady, Duncan or (as of today) Damon. Remember when we had an embarrassment of outfielders?
Joel Sherman says that the Yankees should offer Damon $6,000,000. They are said to have initially offered Damon 2 years for $14,000,000; Damon and his monstrous agent might refuse $6,000,000, but then again they might not.
Pitchers and catchers report to spring training in 3 weeks (21 days).
Aw. Yeah.
The Martha Stewart Show is going to move to The Hallmark Channel in September 2010.
The History Channel is producing 13 episodes of Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy, airing later this year.
Nancy Grace doesn’t want cameras in the courtroom when she testifies in the wrongful death lawsuit she’s been charged with. That’s a shame — this was the only time I considered watching her on TV.
Trace Adkins has his own comic book now. I haven’t read it, but if the interior is as funny as the cover, I highly recommend it!
He’s… sharpening… an axe handle…
Happy Hump Day.
For an actual movie. Starring the Insane Clown Posse.
The midgets are a nice touch.
“A rival, powerhouse medical group has proposed taking over and shuttering the 160-year-old St. Vincent’s Hospital in Greenwich Village — spelling the end of the city’s only remaining Catholic medical facility, The Post has learned.”
Thanks, Continuum Health Partners (they operate the Beth Israel, St. Luke’s and Roosevelt hospitals in Manhattan — and just sent me a letter telling me that certain hospitals are no longer affiliated with my [Oxford] health insurance)!
I wish someone would force everyone to buy health insurance, but not give us a public option or insist that people with pre-existing conditions get coverage.
Also on the cover is Andy Samberg, representing New York’s hottest bachelors.
And on the back cover? Rex Ryan, shot from the side (*hrlp*) with the headline ‘BIGGEST SHOW IN TOWN’ and the credited-to-Ryan quote that the Jets need “to come back hungrier than ever.”
I was about to cook breakfast, but I know I won’t be able to keep anything down for a while.
If you pushed Rex Ryan onto his back, I imagine he would be like a backwards turtle — unable to flip back over, with his round shell-like belly (shelly?) weighing him down.
Mayor Bloomberg says that, if NYC loses $1,300,000,000 in state aid, “the consequences would be appalling.”
That’s a lot of money! Bloomberg could fund a dozen re-election campaigns for that dough!
(Seriously, Mike, if it’s so doomsday-y then just cut NYC a check. Or tax soda. Or legalize marijuana. Or shut up.)
Remember when I said Avatar would unseat Titanic for the all-time box office record? And that it would happen yesterday?
Well, it did. After being in theaters for just 6 weeks.
I still have little to no desire to see it.
Keith Richards hasn’t had a drink in 4 months.
But the residual cocaine, LSD, paint thinner and hash in his system still make him wobbly and incoherent.
Nancy Kerrigan’s father has been murdered (either choked to death or a heart attack caused by the choking) and the man who has been charged is her brother, Mark, 45. Mark told police he and his father were arguing about the telephone when he grabbed his father’s throat.
A rep for Tonya Harding told reporters, “Tonya feels very sad for Nancy and her family and extends her deepest sympathy and condolences to them. Tonya’s beloved dad, Al Harding, passed away this past April, so she understands the grief Nancy and her family are feeling at this difficult time.”
Yeah. Their experiences are almost identical. How (em)pathetic, Tonya (and her rep).
Three years ago, George Hotz hacked an iPhone.
The New Jersey resident now claims that, after five weeks of work, he has hacked an “unhackable” Sony PlayStation 3.
He is so going to get caught.
Teresa and I both had fatal umbrella incidents yesterday. It was mad windy, yo.
Flowers should totes be sent to Totes. And Nautica.
Obama has announced that he will ask Congress for a three-year spending freeze (that will start in 2011).
No public option, no closing of Guantanamo, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is still in effect… What other ideas that America voted against in the election will Obama co-opt next?
A lady lost her balance and ripped a hole in the Picasso painting called “The Actor.”
The damage is estimated at $65,000,000 (half the original value).
Nice job, clumsy lady.
JetBlue just made the list.
Karin Keegan was a flight attendant for Delta Air Lines when she tried to get on a JetBlue flight from Pittsburgh to JFK. Flight attendants are generally allowed to fly on competitors planes for free, thanks to an exchange program they airlines have set up. But Karin was told by Oliver Angus (a JetBlue gate attendant) that her clothes were too “frumpy” and he wouldn’t let her onboard.
“He wanted her to change to a lower-cut shirt and tighter pants and to wear more makeup before he’d let her on the plane,” claims Keegan’s attorney. Keegan complied with Angus’ demands (!) but when she tried again to board the plane, “Angus told her that it was too late, that she should have dressed like that before.”
JetBlue says the incident isn’t sexual harassment because it was “allegedly only that one occasion.”
Feeling safer? Me, too.
Great political cartoon of Nancy Kerrigan (complete with exaggerated horse-teeth and ice skates) weeping as her father is wheeled out on a stretcher and a cop telling her, “THE EVIDENCE POINTS TO YOUR BROTHER, MS. KERRIGAN, BUT WE’LL QUESTION TONYA HARDING JUST TO BE SAFE…”
Did I say “political”? I meant “unfunny, tasteless and poorly illustrated.”
Details about Andy Dick’s recent arrest — he “grabb[ed] a bouncer’s crotch.”
His three children must be so proud.
MTV has begun casting for Jersey Shore. Which means that, as I predicted, MTV doesn’t feel like paying the original cast $10,000 for next season (let alone per episode).
14:57… 14:58… 14:59…
Dennis Hopper’s wife (for the time being) is blaming her impending divorce on the fact that one of Hopper’s kids (Marin, 47) is greedy and is manipulating her poppa into leaving her a bigger inheritance.
Who’s gonna play Dennis Hopper in the inevitable Lifetime Movie?
“I love my country so much, man… like an exasperating friend.”
So said Mike Doughty, and so say I upon reading the newest Harris Poll on the country’s most popular TV celebrities.
#1 is Oprah Winfrey. #2 is Glenn Beck. #3 is Jay Leno.
Then it goes Ellen DeGeneres, Hugh Laurie (hilarious when you consider that most of the people in this country only know him from House and the Stuart Little movies), Jon Stewart, Charlie Sheen (how does Harris know we aren’t watching Two and a Half Men to see Jon Cryer or the fat kid?), Mark Harmon, David Letterman and Bill O’Reilly.
These results are from a poll taken online by 2,276 “adults.”
“Ex-NBA star Jayson Williams is wearing an alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet while he awaits sentencing for accidentally shooting a limousine driver.”
$20 says it goes off before he’s sentenced.
Attention, the disabled and also cab drivers: I have a way for you to become very wealthy in the near future and destroy the MTA in the process.
The MTA is going to start enforcing their rule that “some paratransit riders are technically allowed to be picked up only in extreme cold or heat.” But fret not! Instead of being allowed to ride on the bus, you’ll be given a special credit card that you’ll use for a taxicab. You’ll only be charged $2.25; the MTA will foot the remainder of the bill.
Here’s my plan: A cabbie is dropping someone off. The person pays cash. The cabbie sees a differently-abled gent wheelchairing down the street. Once the fare has been paid and the passenger has exited, the cabbie asks the seated-but-moving fellow for his new MTA card. He runs it through and charges the $14 ride he was just paid for, to the credit card. Then he pays the owner of the card $5 (over double what the guy’ll be charged on the card) and the MTA will send the cabbie (or his company, more likely) a check for $11.50 (plus tip?). Assuming the actual customer tipped $2, That would mean that the cabbie turns a $14 fare into a $22.50 haul (including his tip and the payoff to the cripple).
Best places to do this? The airport, Grand Central Terminal, Penn Station.
Good luck – and you’re welcome!
Interesting tidbit tucked away at the bottom of BUSINESS BRIEFS:
“US brokerages must record employees’ business-related Web postings on online sites such as Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn to ensure brokers don’t skirt internal controls when enticing investors, industry watchdog the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (Finra) wrote in an advisory notice.”
That means that if I want to keep in touch with all of my friends who are also US brokerages, I’m going to have to wade through a lot of status updates about their Web postings.
(clicks Hide)
Ticketmaster and Live Nation can merge? That’s not a monopoly?
Wow.
Incidentally, everyone who just read that owes me a $3.28 service fee.
Jim Thome is no longer on the Chicago White Sox.
I wonder if he’s interested in playing left field…
Brett Favre says that his return next year is “highly unlikely.”
Then he retired.
Then he unretired.
Then he went bowling.
Then he retired again.
He is expected to unretire this afternoon and again tomorrow morning.
OK. Here’s the bit that justifies your readership (for today, at least).
Kirstie Alley and Joy Behar are having a very disturbing (though disappointingly one-sided) fight on the Twittersphere.
Kirstie Twatted, “And WHY has Joy Behar turned into such a selfrighteous c—head? OOOOooo that’s right… FOREVER!” (there are too many c— words for me to accurately guess what she actually wrote) I think Kirstie meant “Since when did Joy…” but it’s really hard to proofread 140 characters.
Shortly thereafter, Kirstie Twatted, “CHEATING is between a husband and wife. Not TMZ and Joy Bewhore … God, I want to bash her in the vagina with her microphone.”
Kirstie got complaints from her “followers” and responded that Behar “already WENT after me several times,” ad that “she trashes some celeb every night on her HLN show and every day on the view.”
Joy’s reply? “Kirstie Alley calls me Joy Bewhore. Compliments! Compliments!”
You may remember Kirstie Alley from such hits as Cheers and the Look Who’s Talking franchise. I personally remember her from that Oprah appearance where she wore a bikini. My eyes still burn from the bleach I poured on them.
And there you have it.
I’m going to try and finish reading my friend’s script today. Hold my calls.
Had the Jets won yesterday, an obese and beaming (obeming?) Rex Ryan would have greeted me this morning. But they didn’t, so he didn’t. Instead, there’s a great cover story whose headline (JOLTS!) works on a number of levels.
1) Jets + Colts = Jolts
2) It’s a noun and a verb (as are some of its many definitions — shock, jerk, move, jar)
3) The Colts “jolted” the Jets with their superior footballsmanship
4) Indianapolis police Tasered Patrick Malloy, 26, of Freehold, New Jersey before the game started, just outside Lucas Oil Stadium
That last one is illustrated by a full-cover photo and I do not envy criminals in Indianapolis. Not that Malloy was doing anything (according to Malloy and his father who was with him), though the police claim he threw beer at Colts fans. Bad enough he’s a Jets fan, but to also get Tasered, miss the game you travelled with your dad to see and spend eight hours in jail (and pay a $150 fine)?
Poor Patrick Malloy.
At what point does negligence become criminal?
Four years ago, the Port Authority purchased a $90,000,000 security system designed to prevent evildoers from accessing the runways of our major airports. The PA said it would be fully functional by last spring.
“The system… has left the PA with 57 miles of expensive wire barriers that barely provide the protection of basic fencing. Also collecting dust are the project’s unmanned monitoring stations, which are filled with TV screens and other equipment.”
“‘Right now, the system is basically dead in the water,’ one source said. ‘And [it] may never work, at least not correctly.’”
Feeling safer? Me neither.
Brangelina… divorcing?
But… but… who will get custody of the Rainbow Coalition?
(I was going to call them “the Li’l U.N.” but I ultimately preferred the nod to Jesse Jackson)
State Senator Hiram Monserrate lashed out yesterday against the “political bosses” that are currently trying to “illegally” strip him of his seat.
Someone please drag that fucker out of his seat. By his hair, preferably.
Praise for the “tea-party revolutionaries,” disdain for Obama.
Is it Monday already?
Tiger Woods’ wife visited him in sex rehab!
Is there a reconciliation on the horizon? And what size check will Tiger have to make out to her for that to happen?
(My guess: $150,000,000)
In a recent statement, Osama bin Laden took credit for Jim Carrey-on. And Haiti. And Jay getting The Tonight Show back.
Expect Avatar to unseat Titanic as the highest-grossing movie (that I will never sit through) sometime this afternoon.
HA! There’s this political cartoon today where Obama is calling his wife and asking, “MICHELLE, WOULD YOU AT LEAST BE WILLING TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT IT WAS BUSH’S FAULT I FORGOT TO FEED THE DOG?”
It’s true! That colored guy blames everything on that poor retarded fella!
The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette is lucky to have you, Deering.
And what did P. Diddy get his son for his 16th birthday? A $360,000 Maybach.
And it comes with a driver.
And he gave his son a $10,000 check to give to charity.
In a related story, I got kind of excited yesterday when I found a dime in the street.
Maybe they aren’t as stupid as I thought…
The cast of Jersey Shore (some of whom were at the Sweet 16 party that P. Diddy just threw!) turned down roles in a new independent movie, claiming they were just too busy. The movie stars Armand Assante and Ice-T.. and Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo.
The producers of the recent Haiti telethon were “horrified” by Conan O’Brien’s wasteful spending on The Tonight Show.
Um… guys? He didn’t actually pay $1,500,000 for the Bugatti. It was (how you say?) a joke. B’also? NBC wasn’t going to give you that money anyway. They’d just spend it on a TV show that they’d cancel a few months later anyway.
Gary Coleman has been arrested for “domestic violence” but sources aren’t sure if the victim is his wife (who he appeared with on a very special double-episode of Divorce Court and I wish I was kidding).
His mug shot is one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.
Sorry. Wrong photo. Here we go.
Mr. Drummond could not be reached for comment.
Mandrea!
She hates on John Edwards (“sleazy snake-oil salesman”), Tiger Woods and anyone else that claims to have any sexual addiction problems (“Tiger Woods is in a Mississippi chastity camp where perverts meet to beat a habit that many a man would pay extra to be afflicted with.” — I can certainly see Mandrea’s husband wishing he could sleep with anyone besides his grotesque wife), Obama (“It’s time to hope a little less — and listen a little more.”), Leiter, Blair and Napolitano (“More than eight years after 9/11, there is not one adult present to protect us.” — how many of those years was Obama president again?), and “ditz” YaVaughnie Wilkins (“True love! It’s blind, dumb and demented.”).
Stairs.
The Menifee Union School District in Southern California (80 miles southeast of Los Angeles) has banned a book from its classrooms because “a number of referenced words are age-inappropriate.”
The book? The dictionary.
A parent complained that her child found “oral sex” in the dictionary.
(furiously waves miniature American flag)
In a related story, Texas just voted to remove all “liberal bias” from their textbooks.
Secede. Please.
Every letter sent in today is about how Obama blames Bush for everything.
“My son has had a horrible cold for a few weeks now, and I finally realized where the blame lies: Bush, of course. Democrats seem to blame him for everything else so why not the common cold?” asks mentally unstable Leanne Collins of Staten Island.
“We also teach our children to take responsibility for their actions and that there is a price to pay tomorrow, good or bad, for what they do today. Obama, are you listening?” asks Mark Reger of Westborough, Massachusetts (his full letter is much longer and boring-er).
Well played, Leanne. Well played, Mark.
Stairs.
Wal-Mart just laid off 10% of their Sam’s Club workforce.
That’s 11,200 jobs.
Stop. Shopping. At Wal-Mart.
The Knicks lost by 50 points last night to Dallas.
Still, they’ve won 17 games thus far. That’s 14 more than the Nets.
WWHC?
(What Will Hulu Cost?)
$5.00 a month.
What a great idea.
Take a bow, Michael Lynche’s unnmaed father.
He told his local paper that his son made it to this season’s Top 24 on American Idol. So his son got kicked off the show.
Poor Michael Lynche.
Time to get stuff done, kids. See you on the flipside tomorry.
How to put together a Sunday front page:
1) Pick a story. This afternoon is the Jets’ attempt to get to the Super Bowl. If they win, they’re in. If they lose, their season is over. That’s a solid story to hang a front page on.
2) Pick an angle. There aren’t many with this story (all New York papers are Jets fans at this point, just as every New York paper cheered on the Yankees last year [once they reached the playoffs]), so try to be creative. Maybe… maybe a prostitute’s perspective? Yeah! The Post has at least one prostitute working in a non-sports capacity; ask her her opinion on the Jets!
3) Pick a photograph that illustrates your story/angle. Like maybe the prostitute is dressed in (only!) a Jets jersey? And she’s holding a football? And acting sexy-like?
4) Pick a catchy headline. If you have a hooker and the Jets, you’d think that’d be enough, but Post readers aren’t the sharpest knives on the drawer. Really heap it on. HEY, JETS! ASHLEY SAYS… GO ALL THE WAY! It’s time to score should contain just enough entendre to really hammer home your intention to continue showcasing your staff whore at every possible opportunity.
This really and truly is the worst paper in the country.
Page 2 is excerpts from Marques Douglas’ diary, detailing how he has been preparing for tonight’s game. Which is actually newsworthy.
And on page 3… more of the whore. In Q &A form!
Who is cuter — Mark Sanchez or Peyton Manning?
Mark Sanchez. Is that a trick question? Is he single? LOL. Call me!
(LOL! You let strangers have sex with you for money. RAOTFSRIMA!)
Is football a turn-on?
Yes. There is something so sexy about a man and his game. Football appeals to the warrior in every guy. If his team wins, help your man enjoy the spoils of war by being a ravishing treasure. If his team loses, be there to comfort him and make him feel better. And it’s very sexy to watch.
(Just make sure that, after the game, you are sexy. Says the whore.)
What’s the sexiest part of football?
I think football is the sexiest sport out there. Hot sweaty men acting like beasts — I mean, come on! It’s so sexy to watch them act like animals.
(I imagine she says “Come on!” like Jimmy on South Park. And that she’s a prostitute.)
Halftime — enough time for love?
If the Jets are winning and the energy is up, yes, yes and yes! Always time for a quickie!
(What a great question to ask a streetwalker! As a matter of fact, I always think there’s time to have brief anonymous sex! Just try not to get caught by the vice squad!)
How does one celebrate a playoff win?
You don’t! You should treat it like every other win. You don’t play to win a playoff game; you play to win championships! When you raise that Vince Lombardi Trophy, that’s when the celebration begins. Go to Disney World, LOL!
(OK. That’s the second time [in a 7-question interview] that you have written “LOL.” Cut it out. And if there’s nothing special about tonight’s game, then why the fuck are you on two of the paper’s first three pages talking about the Jets?)
Can you guarantee a Jet win?
Why, yes, I guarantee victory. They have the No. 1 defense. Offense wins games, but defense wins championships. The Colts will be trapped on Revis Island!!! Shout-out to the die-hard Jet fans of Toms River, NJ. (That would be my brother Kyle and all of his friends.)
(So a championship isn’t a game? Good to know. And Kyle’s friends must be so pleased to see themselves get a shout-out from their buddy’s whore sister.)
Last words on the subject?
J-E-T-S . . . JETS! JETS! JETS!
(LOL.)
The folks in charge of stripping paint from the windows at PS 131 in the Jamaica Estates section of Queens are using Rock Miracle. Which is (according to inside whistleblowing sources) “potentially hazardous.” And anyone who has complained (after being told to hide it from inspectors if ever they should appear) has been “yanked from the job.”
The job is being done by a private contractor for the School Construction Authority. That makes the city ultimately responsible for all of the lawsuits being filed by the parents of the students in 5… 4.. 3…
Someone is attacking man and beast at a Park Slope dog run. With eggs.
But it wasn’t me because a) I don’t even know where Washington Park is and b) with what eggs cost these days, I’d sooner throw my stock portfolio.
Goodwin!
End of O’s cowardly lyin’ is just the kind of solid reporting we’ve come to expect from Professor Ridiculous.
He begins by telling the folks who supported Scott Brown into office that “we the people of the United States owe” them a huge debt. “They didn’t merely elect a senator. They ripped the façade off the Obama presidency. Just as Dorothy and Toto exposed the ordinary man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz, the voters in Massachusetts revealed that, in this White House, there is no there there. It’s all smoke and mirrors, bells and whistles, held together with glib talk, Chicago politics and an audacious sense of entitlement.”
“[Obama] never advances a practical idea. He doesn’t listen to anybody who doesn’t agree with him.”
While there are no actual examples provided to back up these hyperbolic assertions, Goodwin does seem to punctuate accurately, so there’s that.
Mayor must pull the plug on 9/11 trial reminds us that New Yorkers are tough, but not tough enough to prosecute mass murderers at the scene of their crime. “With many residents and city officials growing angry and frightened, the mayor rejected a plea to move the trial to Governors Island as ‘dumb.’ Actually, it’s not nearly as dumb as holding it in the shadow of Ground Zero and turning the area into an armed fortress.”
At least they’re turning it into something (has it really been nine years?).
But my favorite is Greatest loss of all. Here, Goodwin praises “Mike Cannizzaro’s terrific piece in Friday’s Post on [Jets] owner Woody Johnson.” What, no praise for the other 5 Post employees who wrote snarky “rest in peace, slutty junkie trainwreck!” articles about Casey Johnson that preceded the poignant remarks of her father?
Indeed.
Dick busted in guy grope informs us that Andy Dick has been arrested again.
“According to the Huntington [West Virginia] police complaint, Dick approached a man and ‘unexpectedly and without invitation grabbed the victim’s crotch, repeatedly groping then kissing him.’ Dick was busted in 2008 for pulling down the tank top of a 17-year-old girl in California.”
Poor Dick.
Former ESPN analyst Sean Salisbury has finally admitted to showing his co-workers cellphone photos of his junk in 2006. When asked why he did it (and why he’s been denying it for four years), Salisbury replied, “My father was diagnosed with cancer in 2006.”
In his defense, when they found cancer in Teresa’s thyroid, the only thing that cheered me up was showing people cellphone photos of my junk. And ice cream.
I never thought I’d live to see this. Mentioned today in Page Six (today on page 13) is none other than… Dabney Coleman. He was at Elaine’s with Bill Maher.
That makes me happy.
Fun fact: Michelle Phillips left Dennis Hopper after eight days of marriage due to his “unusual sexual demands.”
A 74-year-old woman was on an American Airlines flight from NYC to Argentina. Her family is alleging that she ran out of oxygen but it took the flight attendants two hours before they noticed. The plane landed in Bolivia and left her there. She died three weeks later.
I like to think it was the same flight crew that was so hateful and obnoxious to everyone on the way back from our honeymoon (American Airlines seems to like hiring idiot Southern women who loudly proclaim their love of Jesus and condescend to non-Whites).
Hey, “film critic” Kyle Smith! What happened when Scott Brown got elected?
“A supremely aloof and arrogant president whose chief policy idea was to ignore what Americans wanted on nearly every front was humbled if not humiliated.”
Nice. Now exhume someone infinitely more talented than you and use them to make a joke that probably represents the polar opposite of their own political leanings!
“Then the rimshot to all these punchlines: Air America went out of business. (If Dorothy Parker were here, she’d say, ‘How could they tell?’)”
Nice! Now go back to preening over your new Messiah, Scott Brown (bonus points if you shit on Obama and Jimmy Carter!).
“Scott Brown has redirected the country away from Obama’s dangerous, delusional ideas. We should all be grateful, even President Obama, if he wants his entry in the history books to begin with a phrase other than, ‘Like his party’s other recent presidential disaster, Jimmy Carter . . .’”
Terrific! Now explain why you’re disappointed more American soldiers aren’t dying. Is it schadenfreude?
“Schadenfreude? Not at all. Schadenfreude is hoping the war in Iraq goes badly because it might damage a presidency. Schadenfreude’s cousin gluckschmerz is being bummed out about the success of the Surge because it made a president look courageous, responsive and wise.”
Gluckschmerz! Hilarious!
Stairs.
Most people taking antidepressants don’t benefit from them?
That depresses me.
I’d better ask my doctor to up my dose.
A political cartoon featuring a donkey with his pants on the ground? And the lyrics to “Pants on the Ground”?
Give Mike Luckovich the Pulitzer!
Then push him down some stairs.
M-O-R-E! More! More! From the whore!
Some of the girls I’ve been with lately complain that I’m too well-endowed and they don’t want to have sex with me anymore because it’s painful. I know a lot of guys might love to have this concern, but they don’t realize the problem it causes. Do you have any tips on how I can make sex less painful because of my size? — Anonymous
ASHLEY: “I dated this football player for a little bit. It never got to the point where we were having intercourse, but I did think, ‘How is that thing going to fit inside me and feel good?’ It was like 12 inches long and the width of a 5-liter Poland Spring bottle. I didn’t want any part of it.”
ME: Call a mohel.
My husband comes home from work with perfume on his clothes. He says he walks through a department store on the way to his subway stop and women at the cosmetics counter spray him, but the perfume always smells the same. I don’t know whether to believe him. — Marta, 27, Manhattan
ASHLEY: “I would follow him to find out if you’re overreacting.”
ME: I’ll save you the trip; he’s cheating on you. B’also? You’re an idiot.
I have a platonic relationship with a friend I’ve known for 10 years. I’m very attracted to her and want to be more than friends. But I’m afraid to tell her, since I value our friendship. Should I let her know my true feelings? — Mark F., 40, Union Square
ASHLEY: “Before you tell her how you feel, do a little ‘foreplay.’ When you lean in, hold it there a little longer than normal. Perhaps change the way you look at her a little bit. Dress and smell sexier.”
ME: Call a mohel.
The STYLE section has various photos of Lady Gaga fans who were at her recent Radio City Music Hall gig.
Here’s a photo of an 8-year-old and her 5-year-old sister.
And what does their mother have to say for herself?
“These outfits cost in the thousands. Look at how many rhinestones there are! My husband is going to kill me if he finds out!”
Let’s hope so.
The bad news: The Nets don’t “play” again until Wednesday.
The good news: They lost again last night, bringing their average down to a solid 7.0% success rate (or just over one-third of the second-worst team’s 20% record). They lost by 32 points.
Build! That! Arena!
The weekend is drawing to a close again. And once again, I invite any and all lovers of improvisational comedy (who have $5 to spend and an hour to kill) to swing by the Magnet Theater at 9:30 tonight. Dog Court will be going for their sixth (6th) straight victory. I’ll be there.
Time, methinks, to pick at the withered bones of Teresa’s birthday cake…
Ciao!
ABOUT
I read the New York Post so you don't have to.
RECENT POSTS
RECENT COMMENTS
- jed on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- No face on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- ScottF on More Required Reading.
- jed on More Required Reading.
- Miss Mason on More Required Reading.
Clicky here…
This month’s stats
3,495 | Unique Visitors |
Archives
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009