Every time I get Chirashi at a sushi place, I always love the piece of mackerel and wonder why I never order mackerel rolls. As a way of celebrating the end of our least favorite year, Teresa and I were going to order in our favorite Mexican food (Tacos Nuevo Mexico on 5th Avenue). The guy who (eventually) answered their phone said (in English so broken no warranty would cover it) that the restaurant was closed. For New Year’s? For good? I don’t know. But we needed a plan B.

Plan B was the Windsor Cafe which we both adore (best diner food in our area). They closed at 6:00.

Plans C-E were equally foiled, so we settled on our local sushi place, Sushi Yu. Teresa had an avocado salad (bleh), a California roll (bleh) and a shrimp tempura roll (so jealous). I had a salmon skin roll (delicious), an eel and cucumber roll (delicious) and a mackerel roll (poisonous). My first first two rolls both contained shredded cucumber, but the mackerel roll was equal parts mackerel and ginger. I like ginger — along with generous dollops of wasabi, it’s a nice complement to just about any sushi — but this was waaaaay too much.“Why would they put so much ginger in a maki roll? To cover the smell and/or taste of spoiled fish?” I thought to myself. But before I could answer, I had eaten all three rolls (and the remainder of the lettuce in Teresa’s salad). Then I drank some scotch.

Of course, all really good scotch should be enjoyed with a teeny ice cube (or a splash of water, but I like the clink of an ice cube — it makes me feel classy), so I rummaged in our freezer for one. I tried to remove one from the tray, but it was being stubborn. So I twisted it — gently, I swear — and the end in my right hand snapped into pieces, removing a chunk of skin as it did. I ran my hand under cold water (which hurt more than I thought it would) and wrapped it in paper towels. I returned to the bedroom, booze in tow, and settled in for what I imagined was the remainder of a pleasant evening.

Roughly 20 minutes later, I got dizzy with the worst stomach pain I think I’ve ever had. I ran to the bathroom and stayed there for about an hour and a half. I almost passed out twice and couldn’t stop sweating for the first hour. The paper towels on my hand were literally soaked to capacity after the first 5 minutes. Thankfully, I have the best wife in the universe and she would check in on me and occasionally mop my woozy brow.

I returned to bed at around 11:30 and immediately fell asleep. Teresa woke me at midnight, I kissed her and returned to my sushi-induced fever dreams. This morning I felt much better (relatively), but was happy to have a lazy day in bed with m’lady and Samuel Fuller’s White Dog (co-written by Curtis Hanson!).

Today’s perusal of the Post will, therefore, be briefer than usual, as we are expected upstairs for our neighbors’ New Year’s Day party and I am currently pantsless.

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After his good friend Titzhak Rabin’s murder in 1995, Abe Pollin started thinking about the name of the basketball team he owned (the Washington Bullets). He decided (in 1997) that the name had violent overtones and didn’t belong on jerseys and hats. So, he changed the name to the Washington Wizards.

On Christmas Eve, 2009, Washington Wizard (and NBA All-Star) Gilbert Arenas, 27, pulled a gun on his teammate, Javaris Crittenton, 22, who (naturally) pulled a gun on Gilbert. This happened in the team’s locker room of the Verizon Center. Sources say the dispute stemmed from a gambling debt.

Arenas claims he had the gun in the locker room in order to keep it away from his newborn child at his home in Great Falls, Virginia.

If only his Virginia home had high shelves. Or a room with a door that locks. Or a safe. Or a lock for the gun’s trigger.
Or an owner with a brain.

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Despite Fox’s claim that “a delay [of the seemingly-impending removal of their non-news channels from Time Warner Cable' s lineup] would only prolong an unfair deal,” no agreement has been reached and the channels remain on the TWC air.

Boooooooo.

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Lake Superior State University (Lake Superior is a state?) released their annual list of the year’s most annoying words (which they “banish” from our lexicon). “Tweet” (the verb for posting on Twitter) was at the top. And in Todd Venezia’s masterful page 3 article on the list, he offers this fair and balanced paragraph: “Other terms on the list were the overused phrase ‘in these economic times,’ the ubiquitous word ‘app,’ for computer applications, and the word ‘czar’ for every government official overseeing some war on something or other.”

Why do I have the feeling that the word ‘czar’ made the list NOT because of the abundance of them in Washington, but rather the Tea Partiers’ (misguided, retarded, willfully ignorant) belief that they have ties to Russia?

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Somehow, nothing bad happened in Times Square last night.

Kathryn Cameron, 22, was there (after traveling from her home in Georgia) because “This has been on my bucket list since I was 16.”

Is Georgia really so awful that its citizens make bucket lists in high school?

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Page 5 tells me that seven (7) CIA agents were killed at that base in Afghanistan. That’s 1 less than yesterday’s story.

At this rate, the bombing will have had no casualties by Friday!

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Remember that van that sat in Times Square for two days with no license plates and tinted windows covered by plastic sheets and a fake police registration on the dashboard?

It was parked in a no-parking zone.

For two days.

I feel super-safe.

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Page 12 is another ad for Fox, but this one doesn’t tell people to complain to Time Warner Cable. Instead, it directs readers to DirecTV, Dish Network and Verizon FiOS — all of which broadcast the Fox channels that Time Warner Cable is expected to purge (but for some stupid reason hasn’t yet).

Sounds like they’re done negotiating, TWC. Do this thing.

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Why do I think this is going to end poorly?

Giants Stadium (which saw its last Giants game last Sunday) will host their final (regular season) Jets game on Sunday night. And they’ve decided to not serve alcohol.

When asked about this non-alcoholic development, Matt Kenny, of Bayside, Queens, said, “Jets fans are animals, and the fighting gets ridiculous. I like a few beers at a game, but I don’t need some drunk ruining my good time. Fans will have all day to drink leading up to the game.”

Good point, Matt! If the fans get drunk before the game, then there’s no chance that they’ll ruin your good time!

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A judge dismissed all of the charges against the five private Blackwater security guards accused of killing 17 unarmed Iraqi civilians in Iraq in 2007. The judge blamed the prosecutors of “improperly building their case” on sworn statements that were given in exchange for immunity.

Who was in charge of the government in 2007? I forget.

But it was probably Obama’s fault.

I also wonder what will happen to the sixth Blackwater defendant who pleaded guilty.

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An employee at an IKEA in Ohio found the head of a lamb stuffed inside a microwave used for display purposes in one of their showrooms.

Surveillance cameras offered no help in finding the person(s) responsible.

Memo to self: rob IKEAs in Ohio.

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Jorge Niebla is suing Penthouse magazine. He wrote to them in August 2008, asking how he might go about securing a back issue of the publication (the April 2007 issue featuring Dita Von Teese). They never replied. He claims that the folks at the magazine “are being prejudice [sic]“ against him and violating his Constitutional rights by denying him “access to the media.”

Niebla is serving a life sentence in a Florida prison. He is asking for (and I’m not making this up) an order to be issued forcing Penthouse to sell him the back issue.

Good luck, Jorge!

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Adam Brodsky must be jealous of all of the attention I give to his co-workers. How else to explain his Jed-baiting Calling ‘Em for ‘10 piece? Here are some of the things that Brodsky predicts won’t happen this year:

* Former President George W. Bush will win the Nobel Peace Prize for liberating Iraq and fighting terrorists.

* After Obama signs health-care reform into law, America’s health-care system will improve.

* 9/11 terror mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be brought to New York, quietly convicted of war crimes and promptly executed.

* The mainstream media will treat Sarah Palin fairly.

* Obama will stop blaming George W. Bush for his failures.

That last one is my favorite. The way I read it (and you can’t convince me that it isn’t what Brodsky meant) is that in 2010, Obama won’t stop blaming Bush for Bush’s failures.

My prediction for what won’t happen this year? Adam Brodsky will stop being a tool.

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Bill O’Reilly has a column titled In La-La Land on Terrorism (that’s weird — he doesn’t stutter when he speaks but he does when he writes?). It begins with him reprimanding “liberal newspapers like The New York Times and Newsday“ for “lamenting the Christmas Day al Qaeda attempt to blow up a Northwest Airlines jet” but offering “no solutions for stopping terrorism.”

Oddly enough, O’Reilly doesn’t offer any solutions for stopping terrorism in this column, although he does say “everybody except Al Franken knows that Yemen is an al Qaeda stronghold.”

Good to see Bill hasn’t lost any of his trademark insanity in 2010.

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Marlon Byrd signed a three-year/$15,000,000 contract to play center field for the Chicago Cubs. Kosuke Fukudome (pronounced “fuck you; do me!”) is expected to move to right field and Milton Bradley is expected to reissue Hi Ho! Cherry-O in a spiffy new collector’s tin.

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If you’re like me, you love marathons. No, not the kind that require movement — TV marathons! And today is a smorgas… smorgus… smoorgus… plethora of them!

WPIX has The Honeymooners, A&E has Criminal Minds, ABCFamily has America’s Funniest Home Videos, Disney has Sonny With A Chance, Discovery has MythBusters, MSNBC has Lockup, USA has Law & Order: SVU (though that might actually be their regular programming for Fridays) and SyFy (pronounced See-Fee) has The Twilight Zone.

And I have pants to put on.

Happy new year, kids. See you tomorrow.

And tip your waitstaff but don’t try the mackerel.