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Baby, It’s Cold Outside

3rd January
2010
written by jed

Like, ridiculously cold. Like, Hoth cold. Like, you have to stop walking because the wind is blowing too hard against you to continue.

Why it gots to be so cold in my Brooklyn?

Luckily, I have today’s Post to warm me (as my blood begins to boil).

Continuing their back-patting-filled EXCLUSIVE, TEXAS HOLD UP traces the origin of last month’s Mexican standoff in the Washington Wizards locker room to a gambling debt. Apparently, Gilbert Arenas owed Javaris Crittenton $25,000 from a high-stakes poker game the two were involved in. The article implies that Arenas was trying to get out of his debt by intimidating Crittenton. He laid three guns in front of Crittenton and told him to pick one of them up. Crittenton allegedly replied that he had his own gun and didn’t need any of Arenas’. Viva la teamwork.

Arenas has admitted to gambling away his Wizards per diem ($93), gambling on the team jet, and (my personal favorite) running to the locker room during half-time to play online poker.

I wonder if the irony of possibly losing $100,000,000 over a $25,000 debt is lost on the man who may never play in his last name again.

Beautifulpeople.com has always been the dating site for the wealthiest and prettiest folks (you have to be voted in by current members — they literally have a “no ugly people policy”). In 2010, the site recently announced, they will be thinning their herd (no pun intended) by 5,000 (of their 500,000 current members) who they feel have gained too much weight since joining.

All of a sudden, Homer Simpson’s “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt moves from amusing to prescient.

The East Village is losing many of their famous resale stores. Love Saves the Day is gone, as are O Mistress Mine and Poppet. Atomic Passion and Cherry are expected to follow.

I plan on purchasing all of their inventories and opening the world’s first online resale resale shop. Where my investors at?

Fun fact: All of those boutique shops in Bryant Park? Not wheelchair accessible! Not a single one!
They’re all positioned on platforms that sit one foot (1′) off the ground. This had to be an oversight, right, Bryant Park spokesman Joe Carrella?

“[ADA compliance for all the shops] is unfeasible due to space limitations and general safety concerns.”

Take that, people in wheelchairs! We only want customers whose legs work!

I plan on inventing a one-foot (1′) ramp that can easily be attached to store entrances that sit one foot (1′) off of the ground. Where my investors at?

The T&LC (which couldn’t possibly be confused with TLC the band, TLC the TV channel or tender loving care) was supposed to set up shared cabs by 2010. That’s, um, now.

Late January is the new target date. OK, that’s not too bad. The MTA would have set the new target at 2015 — and they’d still fail to meet the deadline.

B’also? The shared-taxi stand that was to be set up on West 44th Street from 10:30 to 11:30 p.m. every weeknight (intended primarily for people being let out of Midtown’s many this-was-once-a-movie-but-now-it’s-a-garish-musical-for-some-reason productions, but also for the quadrillion tourists that Times Square suckles in her Bubba-Gump-Shrimp-Company-shaped bosom)? Not gonna happen. T&LC nixed it.

Alex Reiger wouldn’t stand for this shit.

Black Dan Dunford (neé Dominic Carter) is the subject of a 2-page EXCLUSIVE (‘I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON’) that tries to really hammer home just how sorry he is (some examples: “Carter said in a tearful interview” and “his voice wavered and his eyes brimmed with tears” and “he said, tears streaking his cheeks”).

“‘I don’t set the alarm anymore. I wake up. I sit around the house. I read the papers, watch a movie. Sometimes I cry a lot, but I try not to do it around my kids… For me to be forced to be home all day, it’s like I’m in jail,’ he said over a breakfast of bacon, Egg Beaters and wheat toast at a diner near his Rockland County home.”

Unintentional hilarity is the hilariousest (hilariest?) hilarity there is.

Michael Goodwin… is on vacation.

Yay!

Coming soon to a theater near you: Burlesque.

Christina Aguilera stars as a small-town girl who moves to Los Angeles and “finds herself working in a Sunset Boulevard burlesque club run by Cher.”

Everyone that just read that, I encourage you to get tested. For everything. Just in case.

Newsmax Cruise! Newsmax Cruise!

Leaving Fort Lauderdale on March 21, returning a week later! Stopping in Puerto Rico, St. Maarten, Turks & Caicos and the Bahamas! And featuring Ralph Reed of the Christian Coalition! Grover Norquist! John Fund! Ronald Kessler! And Dick Morris! What a fantastic idea!

Attention Somali pirates: The people attending this cruise are worth trillions.

A Spanish inventor has infused bed sheets with Viagara. For people who’d prefer to asborb the boner catalyst, instead of taking a pill.

I plan on inventing bed sh… oh. Right. Never mind.

Peter Biskind wrote a book on Warren Beatty and his legendary sexual prowess (Star). “Revealed: 12,775 conquests” (take that, Chamberlain!) including Jane Fonda (“I thought he was gay,” she says of their first meeting; Beatty would later gush about her sexual prowess “due to her ability to virtually unhinge her jaw, like a python that swallows prey much larger than itself.”), Joan Collins (“Later, a skeptic asked her if they really had sex seven times a day. She replied, ‘Maybe he did, but I just lay there.’”) and Madonna (“He would tell director Glenn Gordon Caron a few years later, ‘Never, ever fuck your leading lady. And if you do, don’t stop till the picture’s finished.’”).

A pregnant Carole King and Fran Drescher (“I sure as hell knew a ménage-à-troiserino when I saw one”) are among those who managed to somehow turn Mr. Beatty down.

Available wherever softcore pornography is sold.

Unwelcome Truths is an editorial that defends Dick Cheney. Really.

“That the White House feels the need to respond to Cheney so quickly and vehemently suggests two things:

* First, that they believe the former veep is a lot more popular and influential than they’d care to let on.

* Second, that his words are more reflective of reality than they’ll ever admit.”

Ironically enough, the piece begins by chastising Obama for taking too much time (four days) to talk about Jim Carrey-on. Despite Bush taking over a week to respond to the Shoe Bomber.

Nicely done, horrible newspaper.

Kyle Smith, you so infuriating.

BAM’S LAST YEAR begins, “Welcome to 2010: The final year of the Obama administration. Not literally. For all I know, by 2012 the economy will be hotter than a terrorist’s underpants, Afghanistan will be no more unruly than Indianapolis Colts fans after their coach decided to throw away a perfect seasonand President Obama will resoundingly win re-election after Diane Sawyer gets Republican nominee Sarah Palin to confess she thought going rogue meant adding some pink makeup to her cheeks.”

Wait. Is he implying that the events of 2012 might somehow affect what happens in 2010? Does that the Doc Brown did read Marty’s letter?

Hey, I just realized… did Mandrea lose her page? I haven’t seen her “face” in a while…

Hey (some unnamed amount of) Americans! What is your religious preference?

Christian/Protestant — 56% (down from 69% in 1948), Catholic — 22% (Most Catholic State: Rhode Island [53%]), None — 13% (up from 4% in 1948), Other — 9% (Most Jewish State: New York [7%]).

Thanks for the out-of-context figures, Gallup!

The governor of Nevada (Jim Gibbons) is divorcing his wife (Dawn Gibbons). Governor Gibbons’ campaign advisor (Robert Olmer) told reporters, “Any first lady is to a large extent window dressing.”

Guess who was fired a few minutes later.

According to the US Census, there will be 70,000,000 grandparents in this country by 2010 (OMG! That’s, like, now!).

That’s way too many. Sarah Palin was right — we do need death panels. Sorry I doubted you, Sarah!

I really don’t like Twitter.

Bobby Flay on Cablevision’s decision to pull Food Network from their lineup: “Bang away at Cablevision… can’t believe there not showing Food Network.”

I’m going to invent SpellCheck for Twitter. Where my investors at?

ASK ASHLEY

Many women think fetishes are inappropriate and won’t engage in them. I know it depends on the fetish, but if no one’s getting hurt and it’s all in good fun, what’s your advice for getting a woman to be more exploratory in the bedroom? — Anonymous

Ashley: “A bottle of wine always helps with exploring in the bedroom, but it’s hard to elaborate further since I don’t know what your fetish is.”

Me: I suppose you could follow Ashley’s advice and confuse your {girlfriend? wife? sister?} with alcohol, but if you’re not as pro-date rape as Ashley seems to be, you might just try discussing it rationally with your partner.

I’ve kept in touch with my first boyfriend — and also the first boy I had sex with — for over 36 years. We are both married to other people and have families, so he labels us as ‘friends.’ But at this point, my marriage is over and I want to start a relationship with him. Up until this point, he’s never objected to us seeing each other, but I don’t want to be stupid. What do you suggest is the best way to go about it? — Anonymous

Ashley: “Men find you so much more desirable when you make them work for it a little bit.”

Me: What Ashley meant to say is that “men find you so much more desirable when you make them pay for it by the hour.”

When dating a woman nowadays, what is the correct amount of time to wait before going without condoms — assuming tests come back clear and she’s on the Pill. — Mark

Ashley: “It’s all about committing to each other. It has nothing to do with timing. Also, you should both go and get tested.”

Me: I’m with the hooker on this one. Assuming tests come back clear, she’s on the Pill and you avoid people like Ashley Dupre.

One of the Jonas Brothers (Nick!) is releasing a solo album (as “Nick Jonas & The Administration”).

Post: “HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE NAME THE ADMINISTRATION?”

Nick: “Going along with my fascination with the presidency, the Administration felt like a perfect name. Also, going back to the Elvis Costello influence and Elvis Costello and the Attractions, the ‘A’ at the beginning of the name has such a strong ring to it that I thought it would be cool to come up with something with an ‘A’ at the beginning.”

Me: Sigh.

Pete Hammond is NOT quoted in the latest Sherlock Holmes ad. But these highly influential critics are:

Karen Durbin of Elle! Kelli Gillespie of The CW! Dean Richards of WGN America! Mark S. Allen of CBS-TV! Jake Hamilton of FOX-TV!

Not even Rex Reed or Larry King? It must be terrible!

Edwin Encarnacion (of the Toronto Blue Jays) got burned in the face with fireworks on New Year’s Eve in the Dominican Republic. He is currently recuperating.

Wait a minute. Did people even actually think that LeBron James was considering becoming a Brooklyn Net? Really?

Fair enough, but riddle me this: Are there any of those people left?

The New York Giants rallied from a 44-0 deficit to finish today’s game losing 44-7.

How much are those Personal Seat Licenses going for nowadays?

Dog Court is currently undefeated at the Magnet Inferno. They are going for a three-peat tonight at 9:30. It’s $5. It’s fun. If you aren’t doin’ nothin’ else, why not swing by and cheer on “America’s Favorite Improv Group” (at least that’s what I think America Ferrara was saying on that episode of Ugly Betty I watched without sound)?

But if you do decide to come, dress in layers. It’s mad windy and totes cold.

Dailies

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