Archive for January 5th, 2010

Howard Stern manipulates Sarah Palin’s audio book.

The filthiest thing I’ve heard in years.

You’re welcome.

Casey Johnson, 30, is dead (HEIRESS DEAD is the headline, Jets owner’s daughter Casey, 30 is the sub-head, and the little banner at the very bottom of the page — the only other item on the front page — GIANTS BOSS BLASTS BIG BLUE AS AX FALLS).

Sure, one could argue that maybe (just maybe) the thing about the “Giants boss” shouldn’t have shared space with the story of the death of the 30-year-old child of the “Jets boss,” but why nitpick when you have this touching opening sentence for Casey’s tale: “Train-wreck Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, the wild-child daughter of Jets owner Woody Johnson, was found dead in her LA home yesterday.”

Train-wreck.

Well, let’s see how the main article on page 7 begins: “Train-wreck heiress Casey Johnson…”

Classy.

At the time of her death, Casey was dating Tila Tequila. Here are some of Ms. Tequila’s tweets on the matter (in chronological order):

“Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson. She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w family.”

“just got news that my fiance is not dead but currently in a coma!!!… I’m almost home baby please hang on!”

“R.I.P. my Angel. I love you so much and we will Marry when I see U in Heaven my Wifey.”

Tequila told RadarOnline and TMZ (and really, who else would a grieving widow talk to?) that she believes Johnson OD’d on prescription pills.

I wonder if referring to his dead daughter as a train-wreck (twice!) will affect how much access the Post’s sportspeeps get from the Jets…

Congratulations, Elections Systems & Software! You’ll be providing New York with your easily-hackable no-paper-trail-giving voting machines! Make sure to thank your lobbyists, at least one of whom testified that he has rigged elections in the past!

(waves miniature American flag)

Congratulations, United Arab Emirates! Your Burj Khalifa is now the tallest building in the world at 2,717 feet! And it only cost $1,500,000,000 to build (construction workers were paid $5 a day)! Fun fact: the original name of the building was Burj Dubai (“Dubai Tower”), but since Dubai’s real-estate bubble burst, officials decided to name it after Sheik Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan instead!

Morgan Freeman is the new voice of the CBS Evening News.

I hope he uses his Nelson Mandela voice.

Berna Keiler, 62, has a 14-inch titanium rod implanted in her right hip.

At airports in L.A., Phoenix, Dallas, Hong Kong, Taipei and Tokyo, her implant has set off the metal detectors.

Whenever she went through the metal detectors at JFK Airport, the alarm would sound. Until she went through Terminal 7 on October 21, 2009. No alarm. She told a TSA agent, who had her walk through again. Still no alarm. But the guard told Keiler “I can assure you the tests are correct.”

On December 4, 2009, she went through the Terminal 7 detectors at JFK again. Again, no alarm. She again complained and got an e-mail the next day assuring her that all of the metal detectors were working fine.

I feel incredibly safe. You?

A developmentally disabled 5-year-old was left on a Brooklyn bus for over an hour yesterday — as the bus’ driver and wife had breakfast in a nearby diner. Police have arrested the druver and bus matron.

War criminals. All of them.

I don’t feel so good. I’m-a take a nice hot bath and try to relax.

And there’s nothing you can say or do to stop me.

Until tomorrow…