Archive for January 6th, 2010

I, Sleepy.

6th January
2010
written by jed

According to the Huffington Post, one of the reasons that that security breach couldn’t be found by Newark Airport security the other day?

“Federal agents weren’t able to immediately retrieve surveillance images of a man who breached security at Newark Liberty International Airport because a camera system wasn’t working properly.

John Kelly, a Port Authority of New York and New Jersey spokesman, said the camera at a security checkpoint was streaming live images but wasn’t recording them.

That made it impossible for Transportation Security Administration personnel to check an image of a man seen walking in through an exit door Sunday evening until it could view tapes from a nearby Continental Airlines surveillance camera.”

I feel incredibly safe. You?

I forgot to mention the conversation I had with Teresa at 2:00 a.m. on Monday morning (I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately). She was snoring, then stopped and said “F you.” I replied, “F me?” and she countered with an incredulous “Not you“ followed by an immediate return to sleep and more snoring.

I had to leave the room to laugh, so as not to wake her.

I love my wife a lot.

Hey, Woody Johnson! Two things:

1) Did you know that, like Peter O’Toole, you have a double-phallic name?

2) Did you know that your train-wreck daughter is dead?

Well, today’s Post (New York, not Huffington) has her on the cover (again) and on pages 4, 5, 6, and 7 (today’s headline is Poor little rich girl). They speak of your “tragic” daughter who spent months “in a suicidal drug haze,” living in “a garbage-filled, rented house with no electricity, water or gas — but with rats in the pool — as she battled illness and emotional demons.”

Page 6 is a full-color nude photo (a scarf strategically covers most of her naughty bits) and page 7 has a nice shot of her and “celebutards Paris and Nicky Hilton and Kim Kardashian.”

Good luck in the playoffs.

Bill Thompson said he won’t run against Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, but sources say that Mayor Bloomberg would back Harold Ford, Jr. if he did.

I used to love Ford, but lately he’s been inflecting his words like Jesse Jackson. If he always spoke like that, I never noticed. If not, that’s creepy.

Governor Paterson has introduced an ethics-reform package that would require legislators who moonlight for law firms to make public their client lists. Sadly, there has never been a lamer duck than Paterson. His own party treats him like crap. B’also? This is a band-aid on the cancer.

If you are an elected official, that’s your job. Period. If you don’t think a six-figure salary is enough to live on, don’t go into politics. Why is this so hard to get behind? Did you people learn nothing from Joe Bruno?

Someone hacked Ahmadinejad’s Web site (who doesn’t have one nowadays, am I right?) and posted a note to God lamenting his taking Michael Jackson (“my favorite singer”), Farrah Fawcett (“my favorite actress”), Patrick Swayze (“my favorite actor”) and Neda (“my favorite voice”) and begging him (her?), “Please, please don’t forget my favorite politician, Ahmadinejad, and my favorite dictator, Khameni, in the year 2010. Thank you.”

Iranian authorities are currently looking for the hacker, but with little to go on. All they know for sure is that he (she?) had horrible taste in the performing arts.

The Post covers the Newark Airport surveillance story on page 8, right next to Underwear briefing (see what they did there?) which is sub-headlined O’s knickers in knot as he rips terror team.

If you write for this awful paper, Obama is damned if he do and damned if he don’t. Context is immaterial.

The end of the story promises more partisan hackery on page 11 (thy name… is Goodwin).

Remember Jayson Williams? He shot his limo driver with a shotgun? Then tried to make it look like an accident? Got Tasered by cops last April after trying to kill himself? Was supposed to take a plea deal in his manslaughter case, but never showed up to court and might face a retrial as a result? Well, he got into a car accident yesterday at 3:15 a.m. and suffered facial lacerations and a broken bone in his neck.

He had just exited the northbound FDR Drive at 20th Street when he drove his lovely Mercedes SUV into a tree at East 18th Street and Avenue C. He was profoundly drunk.

My favorite part? He’s slid into the passenger’s seat and told cops he wasn’t driving… not realizing that surveillance cameras at the scene prove he was the only person in the car.

Poor Jayson Williams. If only his chauffeur was dri… oh. Right. Never mind.

Michael Goodwin has risen. He has four sections on his page today. The smallest is the uni-sentenced Now THAT’S a stud (“To claims Warren Beatty bedded 12,775 women, I have two words: Go, Tiger!”) and the largest is Out-to-lunch O living out a disaster film which chastises Obama for being on vacation and waiting to long to comment on Jim Carrey-on.

“If America gets hit again, it’s on him. All of it.”

Does that mean that we can blame Bush and Cheney for 9/11? All of it?

I keep wavering between assuming Goodwin knows he’s full of shit but knows what he needs to write in order to keep his cushy Post gig, and thinking that he’s suffering from dementia. Either way, I wish he’d cut out the inflammatory and spurious arguments.

The new spokesperson for Jenny Craig?

Jason Alexander.

If he’s half as successful as Kirstie Alley, he’ll weigh 700 pounds by next month.

A-Rod and Kate Hudson are officially over.

I guess the Yankees won’t win the World Series this year.

According to Page Six (today on page 16), Al Gore was seen eating at David Burke Townhouse (!) and “Eli Manning and the Giants’ entire offensive line [were] devouring steaks at Strip House” (but every time someone asked Eli to pass the salt, he dropped it on the floor and someone from another table grabbed it).

Cindy Adams decides there isn’t enough in today’s paper on Casey Johnson’s death (Johnson’s fall tragic).

If she isn’t dead by year’s end, I may have to take matters into my own hands.

(not really, your honor)

Goddamnit. Yet another Jed Resnik Idea (patent pending) has been usurped.

Benjamin Herson (of Oregon) and Jeff Deck (of Massachusetts) traveled across the country fixing typos on public signs. They have been charged with vandalism.

B’also? They got a $150,000 advance to write a book about their adventure (tentatively titled The Great Typo Hunt).

Sigh. At least I still have my dream of going from Chinese restaurant to Chinese restaurant and charging $0.05 per corrected typo to proofread their menus.

The Nets lost by 22 points last night, giving them a 3-31 record.

That’s a 0.088% average.

That’s abyssmal.

Randy Johnson has announced that he is retiring.

Really? What next? Are The Spin Doctors breaking up, too?

For only $50, you can turn your iPhone into a remote for your TV!

Or, for free, you can use your remote as a remote for your TV!

Modern Family returns tonight (ABC @ 9:00 a.m.). You should be watching it.

And, on that note, it’s time for the boy who got four hours of sleep (not in a row) to start tidying/hallucinating.

Until tomorrow…

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