Archive for January 7th, 2010

You are my son and you came from my balls.

7th January
2010
written by jed

There are a whole mess of stories in today’s paper that, try as I might, I just can’t bring myself to care about (despite the Post’s seeming insistence that they deserve my attention). So to you, dead lady and baby trampled by elephant; Peter Orszag and his fiancée and his mannish ex (there is only one photo of Claire Milonas online and while she has a feminine figure in it, she also has the face of a preppie man) and their love child; Tavern on the Green topiary giraffe expected to sell for $4,000 at auction; Rex Ryan and his belief that the Jets will win the Super Bowl, and all of the rest of you, I wash my hands of you and wish you all well.

As for the rest of youze…

More corrections to the Arenas/Crittenton story (not that the Post calls them corrections; they know that most of their readers only retain buzzwords like “socialism” and “train-wreck” and “liberal media” from day to day):

* Arenas’ contract was 6 years/$111,000,000. He has already been payed $21,849,940, so what he stands to lose (now that he has been suspended indefinitely) is $89,150,060.

* After Arenas placed four (not one, not three) unloaded guns in Crittenton’s cubicle (not chair) with the note saying “Pick One,” Crittenton pulled out his own gun, loaded it with an ammo clip and cocked it (Crittenton denies that last bit).

* At Tuesday’s game against Philadelphia, Arenas pretended to shoot his teammates in the huddle before the game (which made the decision to suspend him that much easier).

“Governor” Paterson gave his annual State of the State speech in Albany. He called for broad ethics reform. There wasn’t a lot of clapping.

“Lawmakers gave Paterson a perfunctory ovation when he entered the room, but the Assembly’s tiny Republican minority — long the Legislature’s most marginalized group — was alone in showing him support during the speech.”

In a related story, Fredric U. Dicker believes that if Paterson can pass just 75% of his proposals, he has a really good chance of beating Cuomo for the Democratic gubernatorial nomination. Oh, Fredric, you dicker, do you really think a) he’ll get 75% of his proposals passed by the roomful of people that couldn’t even fake support for them or b) that he can beat Cuomo at anything except a “who is more blind” contest.

Frank “Frankie Camp” Campione, 65, soldier in the Colombo crime family, wrote an 8-page letter to his son, Michael. Frankie will soon be going to prison thanks, in no small part, to Michael and his chats with the FBI. Here are some of my favorite excerpts of that letter:

“Michael, that is a no-no. You don’t call those Rat Bastard’s [sic] on nobody. Never mind you [sic] own father. What were you thinking?”

“You are my son and you came from my balls and you should have known better. You have totally crushed me beyond repair.”

“A rat is the worse [sic] thing that anybody can be as far as I’m concerned, I guess you learned that trait from your mother, but she’s a woman and doesn’t understand the laws of the land and family tradition.”

The last birthday card I got from my father read, “You are my son and you came from my balls and happy birthday.” My mother signed the stamp on the envelope because, as a woman, she doesn’t understand the laws of birthday card tradition.

Researchers claim that the electromagnetic waves that emanate from cellular phones may prevent — and possibly even reverse — Alzheimer’s disease.

That’s all well and good, but how do I turn my phone into a TV remote?

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned Sharon Parmet’s blog here. That’s criminal.

http://journalofillustratedscience.blogspot.com/

She’s a terrific artist with a severely twisted sense of humor. If you live in Chicago, go to her exhibitions. If you don’t, read her blog and wish you did.

Oh, Slovakia. Your incompetence is reaching American proportions.

Last Saturday morning, for some reason (that I’m sure made sense when it was first broached), airport security planted two packages of RDX explosives (3 ounces in each) in the suitcase of a Slovakian native who was returning to his new home in Ireland. They wanted to see if the airport dogs would find the contraband and — miracle of miracles! — they did. Except the guy who was in charge of removing the explosives “was called away, and then forgot to return to remove the second parcel.”

So this guy got on his plane and flew back to Dublin. On Tuesday, Slovakia called the Dublin airport. “What was said was unclear, but triggered an alarm by Ireland’s national police. They held the man for three hours as army bomb experts inspected the explosive, still in his bag, and figured out it was all a mixup.”

If Slovakia had money, this guy could totally sue them for it.

The EXCLUSIVE article on page 7 (SECURITY’S NEW METAL MUDDLE) helps terrorists. Here’s how:

A reporter from the Post (Lorena Mongelli) went through airport security with an 8-inch titanium chain in her pocket. The metal detector didn’t beep. She went through again, this time on her wrist. No beep, no questions from the TSA agent.

TSA spokeswoman Ann Davis responded to this by saying that the machines are “tested by TSA every day at every checkpoint” and called it “speculative to suggest that someone could walk on a plane with a titanium blade because of” what Mongelli and Berna Keiler did (which is smuggle titanium onto a plane without alerting the authorities).

This kind of “journalism” is actually beneficial. Any time someone can expose flaws in our security system, I feel it is their duty to do so. Hopefully, the TSA will fix these flaws ASAP.

But did the Post need the graphic chart that lists three titanium weapons that terrorists might could smuggle?

“Any titanium brass knuckles” is silly. Hijacking a plane with your fists? Not bloody likely. B’also? If they’re made of titanium, they aren’t brass knuckles.

“Smith & Wesson urban titanium foldable knife” is different than saying “titanium knife” in that terrorists can now refine their searches online when looking to purchase goods.

Lastly, I had no idea that there were titanium pistols. Maybe al Qaeda didn’t either. But now, not only do they know they exist, but the Post identifies the “Taurus Model 850 CIA hammerless revolver 2850121CIA, .38 special, rubber grip” as their best bet for killing infidels in the sky.

It’s a good thing Mikey Goodwin declared that any future terrorist attack is now 100% Obama’s fault.

Hanes is dropping Charlie Sheen as a spokesman. And yet the philandering Michael Jordan is still OK with them. Heck, so is Kevin Bacon despite his killing all of those people in 1989 and Gary Oldman getting him acquitted and then killing again and rehiring Oldman and then screwing with his mind as he is forced to wrestle with his conscience.

I may or may not be confusing real life with Criminal Law.

Vito Franco, professor of pathological anatomy at the University of Palermo, believes he has solved the riddle of the Mona Lisa’s smile.

He says that the woman who modeled for the painting must have “had a cholesterol deposit in the hollow of her left eye.”

Oh, yeah. Now that he said something, I can totally see that.

Oh hello, Charles Hurt! What bullshit partisan meme would you like to try to stab me in the eyes with this morning? The Democratic Party is crumbling, you say?

Abandon ship! Party is sinking insists that, in the wake of Chris Dodd, Byron Dorgan and Bill Ritter announcing their retirements (they aren’t seeking re-election), the Democrats are “abandoning the ship that is politics” and (therefore) the GOP is the stronger party. The party with courage! The party that doesn’t (¿Cómo se dice?) cut and then also run!

It begins, “You know the ship is in serious trou ble when even the rats start jumping into the frothy abyss rather than risk sticking it out on the cracking boat.”

DAMN!

“Sen. Chris Dodd’s announcement yesterday that he would abandon his hopeless bid for re-election is only the latest in an alarming and growing body of evidence that President Obama and Democrats in Congress have blown through more political good will in one year than most parties do in a decade.”

OH SNAP!

“With elections still 10 months off, 13 incumbent congressional Democrats have decided to give up rather than face the certain wrath of voters.”

BOOM!

“These are the kinds of defections a party suffers when it is toiling away in the forgotten minority, not when they hold a stranglehold in the House and a supermajority in the Senate.”

KA-P… well, now that you mention it, Chuckie, the GOP has 14 incumbents who aren’t seeking re-election. In the House. Just in the House. The Democrats have 10. And the GOP has 6 incumbent senators who are retiring to the Democrats’ two. Of the governors who could seek re-election but are choosing not to, the Democrats have three saying goodbye. The GOP has five — including their shining star of stupid, Sarah Palin.

So, if 15 retiring politicians is equivalent to rats deserting a sinking ship, what’s 25? Would you equate that to mental patients trying to put out a kitchen fire by hitting it with newborn babies?

Although, to be fair, he did say that these defections are to be expected by the forgotten minority (which, it turns out, is the Republican Party and not that kid who played Short Round and Data, as I’d always assumed it was).

Mike Parry is running for Minnesota State Senate. He uses Twitter. One of his tweets from May 27th: “read the exclusive on Mr O in Newsweek. He is a Power Hungry Arrogant Black Man”

When this came up in discussion on the campaign trail, Parry offered this explanation: “My opinion is that our president is arrogant and angry. The fact is that he is a black man. Now if the Democratic Party and the liberals want to take my opinion and the fact and mix it together and use it to bring a bad light about me and keep them away from discussing the real issues they can do that all they want. They’re grasping for straws.”

Why, are they sharing a milkshake? Also, you can’t knock mixing opinion and fact and run as a Republican.

Bonus points: After the Matthew Shepard Act was passed, Parry twatted “what’s with Dems and Pedophiles?” (his intermittent capitalization is almost Palinian!)

Protecting homosexuals who are targeted for beatings (or worse) merely for being homosexuals is pretty much the same thing as molesting children. Good to know, Mike.

Big article on page 11 about the aftermath of Casey Johnson’s death (TEQUILA HOWLS). For the first time, Casey Johnson isn’t insulted by the author. Tequila, on the other hand, is “weepy and whiny.”

Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips went to Tila’s house to pick up Casey’s belongings, including Casey’s two dogs. Tequila insisted on her blog that the two aforementioned “celebrities” (shudder) “bombarded my home, to try to take the pups away so they can put them to sleep so they can bury the dogs with Casey.” Bijou later denied those allegations (to the other people at the bus stop).

One question (plus a follow-up): I can understand picking up some things that the family might want, but who goes to a dead person’s girlfriend’s house and demands the deceased’s toiletries? Especially if they were in Tila Tequila’s bathroom?

Watch out, L.A. I think they’re about to start pre-production on Outbreak 2 (if you know what I mean).

According to Page Six (today on page 14), Jim Carrey is no longer playing Curly in the Three Stooges biopic, but Benicio del Toro is still Moe and Sean Penn is still Harvey Milk. I mean Larry.

Also, Tareq and Michaele Salahi are being paid $5,000 to “play host” at the nightclub Pure in Las Vegas on January 16th. I hope the person(s) who handled Tupac is reading this.

Artie Lange stabbed himself nine times (“six ‘hesitation wounds’ and three deep plunges”) in what is believed to be a suicide attempt. His mother found him in his apartment in Hoboken (she was there to drop off food) and called 911. Lange was rushed to the hospital and, despite massive bleeding, made it through the surgery.

We wish him a speedy recovery.

The rep for Loredana Jolie (real name: Loredana Ferriolo) has announced her client’s intention to become a professional golfer. Loredana was Miss February in the Post’s recent Tiger Woods’ Mistresses Calendar (and, according to a famous madam, a whore).

“Loredana has quite a talent for golf, though I don’t know if she learned anything from Tiger … She is not worried that it might bring her face-to-face with Tiger.”

…and that’s the full 15 minutes. Say goodnight, Loredana.

Researchers claim that the electromagnetic waves that emanate from cellular phones may prevent — and possibly even reverse — Alzheimer’s disease.

That’s all well and good, but how do I turn my phone into a TV remote?

Mandrea’s back!

In the 2 of her 5 items that resonated with me, she calls Joan Rivers a “plastic-surgery veteran,” the jealousy just oozing through the printed word (Just shut up already, Joan), and she ridicules the POTUS (and Jimmy Carter) in the delightful BARACK CARTER.

“As the presidency of Barack Obama sinks further into the muck of reality, I’m hearing the previously unthinkable said. People are comparing our ineffectual leader to that paragon of impotence — the worst president of the modern age — Jimmy Carter.”

Comparing Obama to Carter was previously unthinkable? When?

“There were whispers of Carter-like vacillation as far back as the campaign, but wholesale comparisons didn’t raise their heads until May, with a piece on Forbes.com. Now, all bets are off.”

Oh, it was previously unthinkable when most of the country had never heard of him. Solid logic, can’t argue with that.

“Obama was so paralyzed, or bored, by the idea of foreign hatred, he took three days to get out of his Hawaii vacation rabbit hole and make a hurried statement about the crotch bomber who wrecked Christmas.”

Bush took 6 days (of vacation) to comment on the shoe bomber. Was he paralyzed of foreign hatred or bored? I mean those are the only two options, right?

But, please, do go on.

“The latest comparison to Carter ineptitude comes from historian Walter Mead in Foreign Policy magazine. Lest you think conservatives have cornered the criticism, even the loyal, lefty New York Times is taking subtle pot shots at our leader.”

Subtle pot shots by The New York Times? And comparisons to Carter ineptitude (uh… do you mean Carterian ineptitude?) by Foreign Policy?

“Cheer up, Mr. President. There are worse people to be compared to than Carter, although I can’t think of any.”

Me neither! That is a toughie! Who, in the history of everything, was worse than Jimmy Carter? No one, right?

God, this is going to keep me up all night! Worse than Carter… worse than Carter…

“New sign going up in Newark’s Liberty Airport: ‘Two frights daily.’”

In all seriousness, it’s a really nice box and I really think you need to get in it, Cindy.

Andrew Cuomo just subpoenaed State Senator Pedro Espada’s records (including his e-mails, texts, expenses and phone records).

Bring this scumbag down, Andy, and you could campaign in blackface and still become our next governor.

Mail call!

Gary Schwartz of Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in to defend our greatest living American, Dick Cheney. “A new government came to power in 2008 with the attitude that the United States is the problem and that all we have do [sic] is make nice for all to be right in the world. Cheney sees the evil in this madness, and he is condemned for having the guts to speak the unspeakable.”

I’m pretty sure that, if something gets spoken, it’s not unspeakable.

John W. Fox of Galloway, New Jersey (don’t you assholes have your own newspapers to read?) rewrites history with, “Since Obama’s goal is to convert this nation to socialism, his defensive team is ordered to quickly demonize critics, like Cheney who, along with Bush, helped keep is safe after 9/11.”

Incidentally, what was their record on keeping us safe during 9/11? And they aren’t demonizing a critic — they’re critiquing a demon.

Dick Morris and his female co-writer who may or may not participate in “water sports” with him (like the second-greatest living American, Glenn Beck, I’m not accusing anyone of anything — I’m merely posing a question) equate the retirement of two Democratic senators and one governor to swine flu (“Other than the H1N1 virus, the most contagious disease in our nation’s capital is retirement. The more Democrats that quit, the more others are encouraged to hang it up.”).

What they neglect to mention is that the “others” are 25 Republicans (10 more than the Democrats). So, if 15 retiring politicians is borderline-H1N1, then what’s the medical equivalent of 25 retiring politicians? Ebola? AIDS? Casey Johnson’s toiletries?

Warner Brothers reached an agreement with Netflix wherein the DVD-by-mail service with wait 28 days before offering new WB DVDs and Blu-Ray discs.

This agreement would have come in really handy before 90% of America’s video stores closed, Warner Brothers. Nice timing.

Let me try this again, Alex.

The Nets lost again last night (by 30 points!), bringing their record to a shameful 3-32 (or 8.6% a.k.a. 0.086).

Did I do good, boss?

Goodbye, Shelley Duncan. Goodbye, Eric Hinske.

How’s the negotiating going, Johnny Damon? Wanna reconsider the $6,000,000/1-year offer from the Yankees?

Researchers claim that the electromagnetic waves that emanate from cellular phones may prevent — and possibly even reverse — Alzheimer’s disease.

That’s all well and good, but how do I turn my phone into a TV remote?

Tomorrow is Friday. After that is the weekend, which everybody’s working for.

G’night!

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