Archive for January 9th, 2010

[something clever]

9th January
2010
written by jed

The Jets play the Bengals today for the wild card. I had planned on listening to it on the radio, but I heard a rumor that the Jets are charging fans $500 per game for a Personal Ear License and I just can’t afford that right now.

OTB has a proposal: 1,300 “self-betting kiosks” in “bars, restaurants, bowling alleys and possibly bodegas.”

I wouldn’t bet on it. I mean, a kiosk that bets all by itself? What is this, an Asimov story?

Another death, another classy way of writing about it.

Art Clokey, creator of Gumby, died in his sleep yesterday.

And the page 3 article on the 88-year-old’s passing is titled Gumby guy dies, dammit!

Does this mean that when Barbara Walters dies, the headline will be Baba Wawa wests in peace?

Haisong Jiang isn’t just any old 28-year-old bio-medical research grad student at Rutgers; he’s the guy that illegally entered that exit at Newark Aiport so that he could… kiss his girlfriend (Qianqun) goodbye (again) before she moved to Los Angeles to be a statistician.

They caught him. He has been charged with “defiant trespass.”

Which is also the name of my new improv team.

Roughly 50 “Detroit-area Muslims” (at least, that’s what they said they were) showed up outside Jim Carrey-on’s first day in court. One sign that appears in a Post photo reads “AbdolmuTaleb Muslimsare here to tell you GO TO HELL.“

Is what they did to Abdulmutallab’s name a war crime, an act of terrorism or merely a misdenomer?

A guy in Queens fled from federal agents (they had questions for him egarding his suspected ties to al Qaeda) and got as far as the Bronx-Whitestone Bridge where he went from 90 to 0 in record time, thanks to the back of another car. Sources say he might have been trying to kill himself when he hit his car into the other vehicle. But he still managed to get out and run away on foot

Shortly before the crash impact, he called 911 and screamed (in Arabic), “We love death more than you love life!”

But not enough to actually die, eh, Adis Medunjanin, 25?

Dr. Conrad Murray, almost seven months after the death of the Gloved, Beloved and By Joe Shoved One (Michael Jackson), will “be charged with gross negligence for taking an extreme departure from the normal standard of care,” according to “a law-enforcement source.”

The wheels of justice turn slowly in America, but they turn.

They’re square, not attached to a functional machine of any consequence and smell like bum pee, but they turn. Sometimes.

So I read that weepy 2-page interview for nothing?

In a Post EXCLUSIVE, The Ramapo Town Police are looking into a brand-spanking (sorry) new allegation of domestic abuse against Dominic Carter. They went to the Carters’ home yesterday but wouldn’t comment about any further details.

“Sgt. Mike Colbath said officers filed a report on the case yesterday but would not make it publicly available for several days.”

So… Dominic hit his wife again?

“Marilyn Carter, 52, denied yesterday that Dominic had assaulted her. ‘It’s not true whatsoever,’ said Marilyn, a college administrator. ‘I just had lunch with Dominic … I have not filed any police report. Nothing happened last night.’”

So… what happened last night?

“Dominic, 45, said, ‘There was no incident at my house’ on Thursday night.”

I asked about last night, Dominic.

I bet it was that phantom day-laborer.

So many things are making me want to move to Britain, but then I read about their upcoming season of Celebrity Big Brother. Featured “celebrities” include Ron Wood’s girlfriend (Katya Ivanova), Stephen Baldwin, Heidi Fleiss and Ivana Trump. Three of those people were on my list of reasons for moving, so now I’m torn.

Clivie Smith, 19, one of the five tough guys who has been charged in the shooting of Vada Vasquez, 15, pleaded not guilty the other day and, as he was being led away, noticed one of his friends in the courtroom.

“‘What up, man?,’ he shouted. Then, feigning fear, he cried ‘Daddy!’ — eliciting uproarious laughter.”

I hope everyone in his cell block has a 15-year-old daughter (that they actually care about).

Looks like Fox will (more than likely) be making an offer to Mr. O’Brien. It’ll have to be substantial, though, as Conan has $45,000,000 coming from NBC if he stays at NBC but isn’t hosting The Tonight Show.

Michael Starr calls NBC’s handling of this, “the biggest blunder in TV history.” Which unseats that lady whose tube top fell off as she ran toward the Price is Right stage.

Will a court-ordered surrender of a DNA sample finally unmask the person behind the Tylenol poisonings of 1982?Possibly!

Keep your eyes on James Lewis, 63.

85 people in 31 states fell victim to a salmonella outbreak which has been traced back to… aquatic African dwarf frogs from California.

They come into this country, taking away jobs from American frogs, and they spread disease. Lou Dobbs was right.

Wing.

Barf Penises (sorry, Ralph Peters) begins O’s ‘Fixes’ Will Fail with, “On Christmas day, a terrorist known to our intelligence system tried to blow up 300 innocents on a US-bound flight. Our government’s response is to take porno pictures of your wife and daughter.”

1) You don’t capitalize the d in Christmas day? Well now we know what side of the War on Christmas you’re on.

2) $20 says the first draft of that last sentence was “But the response from the Black Kenyan in charge of dismantling our government from the inside is to take porno pictures of your wife and daughter and also his penis is bigger than yours and he and your wife laugh about it all the time.”

“We’re not being defeated. We’re defeating ourselves.”

As one of the tens of millions of Americans who have never been part of Peters’ collective “we,” I can only hope he’s right.

From the editorial At War — Maybe:

“President Obama’s comments Thursday may suggest that he now recognizes the nation is ‘at war’ — but his actions sure suggest otherwise. And what better illustrates this than panty-bomber Umar Abdulmutallab’s appearance yesterday in a civilian court — with a public defender and the same toolkit of legal rights available to any garden-variety attempted murderer?

He pleaded not guilty.

Sheesh. The admitted al Qaeda operative might as well have been a garden-variety attempted murderer. Obama said that Abdulmatuallab’s attempt to blow up Flight 253 on Christmas was a reminder ‘of the challenge we face in protecting our country.’ He argued for a bold, aggressive response.

‘Let’s be clear about what this moment demands,’ the president said. ‘We are at war’ — against ‘a far-reaching network of violence and hatred.’

Vowed Obama: ‘We will do whatever it takes to defeat them.’

Oh, really? Since when are wartime enemies tried before a civilian judge? Surely even Obama knows that you don’t prosecute a war — by prosecuting your enemy.”

Is the Post unaware of Richard Reid?

“So, too, can you gauge the steepness of his team’s learning curve by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napalitano’s latest set of bizarro comments. Asked for the most ’stunning’ finding from a review of security lapses, Napolitano answered: ‘The determination of al Qaeda and Al Qaeda-Arabian Peninsula.’

That’s astonishing. Has she been living under a rock since Sept. 10, 2001? Did not the collapse of the Twin Towers sink in? Is she unaware of London? Madrid? Bali? Richard Reid? Fort Hood? And so on?”

Waitaminute! I asked you if you were unaware of Richard Reid! That’s not fair, Post! You can’t ignore his trial but still cite him as an example! Play fair!

B’also what happened on September 10, 2001?

I sent the following letter a few weeks ago:

Dear Jonah Goldberg,

Please write something incredibly stupid about how compromising with people who don’t believe everything you believe is like mixing Chinese food and pizza.

Sincerely,

Jed Resnik

And this is what Jonah wrote in What Domino’s Can Teach the GOP:

“I’d hate to see the GOP abandon conservative policies in order to be more popular. That would be like Domino’s listening to critics and then deciding to get into the Chinese food business. Indeed, by my lights, that’s what George W. Bush tried to do with his ‘compassionate conservatism.’ He surrendered to liberal arguments about the role, size and scope of government on too many fronts. In effect, he said you can have your pizza and Kung Pao chicken all in the same dish. That’s not a good meal, it’s a bad mess.”

Many thanks, Jonah!

Congratulations to Andray Blatche, JaVale McGee, Randy Foye and Nick Young!

These four members of the Washington Wizards have all been hit with $10,000 fines for taking part in Gilbert Arenas’ hilarious “look at me pretending to shoot my teammates during a huddle” performance in Philadelphia.

Maybe they should change the team name again to something like the Washington Tools or the Washington Lunkhedz.

With just 11.5 seconds left in yesterday’s game against the Hornets, the Nets were up 99-98 after two successful free throws. Their lead lasted less than four seconds. Jarvis Hayes hit a 3-pointer and the final score wound up 103-99.

The Nets are 3-33. They have an 8.3% success rate (aka .083).

If they taped a 1-ounce solid gold Krugerrand to every seat for every game, I still can’t see people as paying customers at the Nets’ new Brooklyn home. Luckily, it will probably never get built.

Randy “Will I Call This Finalist ‘Dawg’ or ‘Man’?” Jackson thought that the new season of American Idol would be filled with Adam Lambert and Kris Allen clones, as is usually the case (contestants often try to be like the previous winner and/or runner-up).

“‘It didn’t happen like that this time,’ he said. ‘We got a very interesting, unique cast that’s only unique to this season nine.’”

Wait… there’s going to be another season nine? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Happy weekend!

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