Archive for January 10th, 2010

Dupre (but far from germane)

10th January
2010
written by jed

J-E-T-S

YES!

YES!

YES!

Congratulations, Jets. But you still won’t get to the Super Bowl this year. Sorry.

The Post EXCLUSIVEly reports that Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly “may have settled on a wedding date — Nov. 5.”

I… I need to be alone for a little while.

Mehmet Ali Agca, the guy who shot Pope John Paul II(: The Quickening) is asking $2,000,000 for a TV interview and $5,000,000 for two books (one of which is his autobiography). “Several” European publishers are said to be “interested,”which would have flabbergasted me if Sarah Palin hadn’t managed to “write” the best-selling “book” of 2009.

Iris Robinson, 60, is the wife of Northern Ireland’s first minister and a member of parliament. She describes homosexuality as “wicked, sickening and an abomination.”

Yesterday, she was dropped by her party (the Democratic Unionists, who are profoundly Protestant) amid allegations of financial impropriety. Oh, and that when she was 59 she had an affair with a 19-year-old.

Whycome the people who preach morailty are almost always the most immoral? Funny that.

Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann makes everybody in the book’s title look bad (CHUCK SCHEMER UNDERMINED HILL). But the Post chose to focus on the segment that alleges that Senator Charles Schumer (and later, Harry Reid) were integral to recruiting Obama for his 2008 nomination.

“At one point, Reid (Nev.) and Schumer ‘double-teamed’ Obama in a meeting.”

If you had told me in 2007 that our next POTUS would be Black and bi-sexual, I’d have called you insane.

FIEND’S EASY ESCAPE tells the tale of how, in 2002, Anwar al-Awlaki (the guy we think is behind the Fort Hood shooting and Jim Carrey-on) was taken into custody at JFK Airport… and then let go.

“Even though Awlaki had been on the FBI’s radar for years, he was let go, most likely because of intervention by Saudi Arabia, classified documents and interviews reveal. Now he continues to train new ‘martyrs’ in Yemen.

“‘We were stunned’ that he was let go, said Ray Fournier, a federal agent who has been tracking Awlaki as part of a joint terrorism task force. ‘He was a high-value target. Everybody was excited about the prospect of hooking this guy up under a [criminal] charge to motivate a conversation with him regarding his relationship with the [9/11] hijackers.’”

You know who isn’t mentioned anywhere in this piece’s 24 paragraphs? I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with “Bormer Bresident Borge Bubble-you Bush.”

Michael Goodwin complains about a variety of things, which is his right.

Just as I have the right to not waste my Sunday on his feigned indignation.

(I read them all, but they lack his usual joie de merde)

The terrorists have won yet again.

“The Metropolitan Museum of Art quietly pulled all images of the Prophet Mohammed from its Islamic collection and may not include them in a renovated exhibition area slated to open in 2011.”

I wonder if Comedy Central still airs those South Park episodes that featured Mohammed as a member of the Super Best Friends (along with Buddha, Krishna, Joseph Smith, Moses, Jesus Christ and Lao Tzu)…

If not for the ruling of a judge (which disallowed the Heene Family from profiting from their hoax), ABC was going to pay them $10,000 for exclusive video footage.

Peter Jennings is spinning in the grave meant for Cindy Adams.

Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association membership cards are currently being sold on eBay — as “collectibles.”

(in Chief Wiggum’s voice) That’s some good side money, Lou.

Charlie Sheen is back at work, making the worst #1 situation comedy of all time.

And a nation exhales with relief and horrible taste.

Further airline infuriation!

Renate Wilson, 55, was on an Austrian Airways flight from Vienna to JFK Aiport when she went into the bathroom and smoked a cigarette. The crew told her that it was illegal to smoke on the plane, so she went back to her seat and had another cigarette.

She was detained by Port Authority officials upon landing… and then released without charges (“the feds told them to cut her loose”).

Double standards are terrific (b’also, how’d she get a lighter on the plane?).

I know why the caged bird sings police were at Dominic Carter’s house the other day.

His son, Dominic Jr. (methinks he’ll be going by DJ from here on out, no?) told his high school’s “counselor” that “he saw blood and a broken hanger on the floor of his older sister Courtney’s room.”

Looks like Dominic (Sr.) was telling the truth about there not being any additional allegations of violence. Unless you count abortion as a violent act.

(oh no I dih-ih!)

Where to begin?

Wii’re turning kids into zombies! is by Marla Jo Fisher and explains her position (Mom: Why I’ve banned video games) in great detail. The accompanying photo made me laugh:

marla jo fisher

… as did the first photo I found of the mom and her two kids (possibly taken as they were stolen from their actual parents)…

Maybe video games aren’t their biggest problem (the boy needs a man in the house ASAP, as does mom — who also needs to buy hats and not make them)?

But the kicker is that the editorial that Marla Jo wrote was originally published by The Orange County Register on December 27, 2009. Only the title wasn’t “Wii’re turning kids to zombies!”… it was Video games were invented by the devil.

Yeah… those kids have MUCH bigger problems than video games.

Researchers at Yale University have concluded that female ducks have vaginas “that spiral in the opposite direction of male duck penises.”

Yale University, ladies and gentlemen.

Researchers at the University of Cincinatti have concluded that male fruit flies have spikes on their genitals, which allow them to more easily rape female fruit flies.

(in Chief Wiggum’s voice) That’s some good researching, Lou.

Michael Steele (who will be out of a job in 5… 4… 3…) has proclaimed, “It’s time for President Obama to… finally do what he should have been doing over the past year — put his full and undivided attention on fixing our economy.”

Remember this when all the GOP talking heads criticize him for not doing enough to keep us safe from underwear.

Kyle Smith takes the unpopular stand against emaciated models. V magazine’s recent spread that featured overweight models (not obese, mind you, but not what you’d expect to normally see in a fashion magazine) got major coverage by the Post the other day. Which angers Kyle to a major extent.

“Tolerance is the enemy of shame. With more and more fat acceptance — like that encouraged by V — there will be more and more fat people.

Nobody is born 300 pounds. Nobody ’suffers from’ obesity. She chooses it, one milkshake at a time.”

Kyle Smith, ladies and gentlemen.

Charles Hurt earns his pay with the scathing What the Dems are afraid of: Moxie.

As someone who generally votes for Democrats, I have to agree; Glenn Close is a great actress, but that was a really awful movie.

Sara Stewart blames Sarah Palin’s perception (to all but her Palindrones) as an “idiotic beauty queen” on Tina Fey’s impersonation of her. Which is a little like blaming Hitler’s evil on Charlie Chaplin’s impression of him.

The estate of Jack Kirby has hired the same lawyers who helped the estate of Jerome Siegel regain rights to Superman, in the hopes of regaining the rights to the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, the Hulk… pretty much most of what Disney just bought.

Good luck, Kirbys.

Ashley Dupre doesn’t answer any mail this week, but she does offer us her take on whether or not the G-spot exists (SPOTTED: TO G OR NOT TO G?).

“The G-spot does exist. The trouble is finding it.”

But fear not… Ashley will help you find it!

“The G-spot — named after Ernst Gräfenberg, who first wrote about it in 1950 — is the spongy tissue of the paraurethral gland, which is comparable in certain ways to the male prostate, according to sex therapist Dr. Victoria Zdrok, who gives a great plain-English description of how it works at askmen.com. The actual area is only about the size of a quarter, but it feels rougher to the touch than the surrounding tissue. It lies about 1-2 inches back from the vaginal opening, inside the front vagina wall (the side that the belly button is on). This is where it gets tricky, because the actual G-spot is not located on the outside of the wall. Instead, it lies inside the tissue, requiring pressure to reach those orgasmic nerves.”

Would you like to know more about this prostitute’s vagina? Then read on!

“I know you want to ask, ‘How do I know what it feels like?’ So here’s a little at-home experiment you can try. The next time you urinate, stop halfway through and squeeze those muscles that stop the stream. Hold it in. Feel that little tingle up in your vaginal wall, by your pubic bone? Ta-da! Congratulations — that is your G-spot! But tapping into it through intercourse, that’s the fun part!

Now that you know where it is and what it feels like, have fun exploring with your partner. (Don’t forget to go to the bathroom first, because penetrating the G-spot sort of feels like you have to urinate while in fact you don’t.) All you have to do is let that ‘Big O’ happen! Let me know how it goes.”

Yes. Let her know how “it” “goes.”

Harf.

Vladimir Guerrero… to the Texas Rangers? Really?

Huh.

The Nets “play” tonight at 7:00.

Will they become 4-33 or 3-34?

Either way, they suuuuuuck.

And that’s all I can stand (I can’t stand no more).

Enjoy what remains of your weekend (and, if you have no plans tonight and want to get rid of $5, come to the Magnet Theater at 9:30 for the Inferno — will Dog Court win their FOURTH consecutive competition?).

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