Archive for January 12th, 2010

I Remember Little.

12th January
2010
written by jed

I was lying on my side and a Russian man put a gag in my mouth, warning me that I might hear a buzzing in my ear.

Then I woke up in one of the doctor’s offices sitting upright across from a neon coconut tree (that last part, sadly, wasn’t a hallucination). I tried to imagine how I was transported from the adjoining room but, as with a great magic trick, decided that not knowing how it was done was preferable.

Even now, hours later, I’m a little woozy (I had no trouble getting home; I just have a mild hangover). So if what follows veers off into odd tangents and gibberish… I may have a shot at replacing Cindy Adams (any… day… now).

Same-sex marriage? Hells no. Medical marijuana? Hells yeah! So says New Joisey, making it the 14th state to legalize medical marijuana.

Will New Jersey become overrun with dispensaries, as was the case in California? And, if so, does anyone want to go in on a bookstore/dispensary/second-hand store in whatever part of New Jersey is closest to New York?

The Post seems to think that the Jets’ run for the Super Bowl is being overshadowed by Tila Tequila (TV TART TILA NO JET PET: Loony star’s cloud hangs over playoff game). And to prove it, they put her (and a rehashing of her epic romance-gone-bad story featuring San Diego Charger Shawne Merriman) on page 3.

Fun fact: In her lawsuit against him (which was later dismissed), Tequila claimed that Merriman “sleeps with minors and forces them to take drugs.”

Sad fact: Tequila has “written” a “self-help” “book” called Hooking Up with Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party and it will almost certainly be published.

Horrifying fact: When that United Airlines plane was coming in for its not-so-much-a-crash-as-a-skid landing on Sunday, the radio system that the rescue crews were using went dead.

By the time they switched to using their cellphones, the plane had already landed.

Well, at least plane tickets are getting more expensive and it takes longer to get through security.

Charles Cooper, one of the attorneys representing the sponsors of Proposition 8, is arguing that “it’s impossible to know the impact of gay marriage on traditional marriage because the practice is so new.”

I tried to find it online, but (surprise surprise) the FDA website is hard to navigate. But when I was in college, I believe drug companies are given 7 years to sell their product while the FDA investigates whether or not the drug does what they claim.

Which means that, once again, drug companies are given more protection under the law than actual human beings.

(waves miniature Pfizer flag)

It’s like having a death panel in your DNA!

Researchers have found a genetic mutation that they believe predicts which men will have aggressive prostate cancer “and said it might help doctors choose who needs treatment and who does not.”

ACORN!!!!

Just found this on nypost.com. It’s Conan O’Brien’s reply to NBC.

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

Well said, Conan.

Anthony Marshall doesn’t have to go to prison while he appeals his convinction, thanks to some idiot judge.

Marshall is currently 85. He will die before setting foot in another courtroom, let alone a jail cell.

Especially if his wife has anything to say about it…

Harold Ford Jr. got a big chunk of the cover and most of page 5. In an EXCLUSIVE, Ford announces his intention to run for a seat in the Senate. And sets the record straight. Ish.

“I am pro-choice — have always been since I entered politics almost 15 years ago. My cumulative grade with NARAL during 10 years in Congress was right at 80 percent. Any assertions to the contrary are false.”

And yet, NARAL is the group that posted this on YouTube:


“And from the moment I arrived in Congress, I supported civil unions. Like New York’s senior senator, after listening to and participating in the national conversation about full equality and fairness, I support same-sex marriage.”

Oh hello, internet! What’s that? Ford didn’t seem so gay-friendly in 2006?

“I do not support the decision today reached by the New Jersey Supreme Court regarding gay marriage. I oppose gay marriage, and have voted twice in Congress to amend the United States Constitution to prohibit same-sex marriage. This November there’s a referendum on the Tennessee ballot to ban same-sex marriage – I am voting for it.”

I could count on one hand the number of politicians that don’t make me nauseous. And I’d be able to snap with the leftover fingers.

Gerard Wall claims that he went to the Hustler Club on 12/12/08. He says he had two drinks and was led into a private room by one of the girls for a lap dance (for $300, he was told). He gave her his American Express card “and says he doesn’t know what happened [for 90 minutes] after that.”

His AmEx bill included a $21,620.60 charge at the Hustler Club.

Larry Flynt commented but I couldn’t understand a word of it.

Please please please tell me that Richard Heene’s latest claims that he didn’t actually perpetrate a hoax nullifies his plea bargain and he will get man-touched by his block-mates for the next twenty years. Please.

Guess how much Simon Cowell was offered for Season 10 of American Idol. For just one more season. Go on, guess.

$140,000,000.

Let’s hope that money finds its way to Conan O’Brien and his staff.

Yesterday I learned that John Malkovich was signed to play The Vulture in Spider-Man 4.

Later on, I learned that Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi have quit and the series is getting a “reboot.”

Remember Ang Lee’s Hulk? Got rebooted five years later. The Punisher got rebooted four years later. And four years after the release of Spider-Man 3, Marvel’s most popular cinematic franchise is starting over with a whole new cast — and Peter Parker in high school.

Will this be Marvel’s “Ultimate” mistake?

Thanks, Page Six (today on page 13)! A photo of MTA board member Nancy Shevell with a shirtless Paul McCartney on a beach in the Caribbean? Awesome! I get to see one of the people screwing me and every other straphanger in town escort her 90-year-old ex-Beatle grandmother on a lovely trip — in full color!

The next time I see someone peeing in/on the subway, I’ll think of this wonderful photograph.

Oliver Stone said, “Hitler is an easy scapegoat . . . We can’t judge people as only bad or good. [Hitler] is the product of a series of actions . . . People in America don’t know the connection between WWI and WWII.” He continued, “I’ve been able to walk in [Soviet butcher Josef] Stalin’s shoes and Hitler’s shoes, to understand their point of view. You cannot approach history unless you have empathy for the person you may hate.”

Which means that I’ll never be able to approach the history of Oliver Stone.

Those three teenagers that caused $40,000 in damages to Central Park’s Bethesda Terrace must perform 200 hours of community service as their sentence.

“The Central Park Conservancy insisted that their community service be shoveling shit in the stables.”

How do you like them apples, kids?

Joseph Rollino won three Purple Hearts in WWII. And a Silver Star. And a Bronze Star. He was born in 1905 and toured as The Strongest Man in the World (which, for a while, he probably was). He remained in perfect health, walking at least three miles a day.

He was fatally hit by a car while crossing the street yesterday morning.

Rest in peace, Joseph.

Jimi Hendrix’s family is releasing an album of his never-before-released music?

Who do they think he is? Tupac?

Anthony Weiner is sponsoring a new bill. Apparently, in 2001, a federal law was instituted that withheld aid to countries “in amounts equivalent to their outstanding parking fines.”

Except New York City never got any of that money. This new bill would collect the $18,000,000 due to our coffers.

Good eye, Weiner.

Usher spoke to Atlanta police about his car getting broken into on December 14th. He told them (with what I can’t imagine was a straight face) that $50,000 in furs were stolen, along with “more than $1,000,000 worth of jewelry and electronics.” From his car.

This looks like a job for… a claims adjuster!

Putting poison in Tylenol bottles is evil.

Putting fake labels on Gatorade bottles (that say “unfaithful” next to a photo of Tiger Woods) is hilarious.

Unless it turns out that the Gatorade was poisoned. Then it is evil.

That insane gangster who reprimanded his son in a lengthy letter (you know, “you are my son and you came from my balls”?) Well, he appeared before a judge and lamented, “The New York Post called him a rat. He’s not a rat — that’s why he’s not here today. He’s embarrassed. What’s this country becoming?”

See? Even that is Obama’s fault!

Jayson Williams accepted a plea that will put him in prison for “between 18 months and five years” for killing his driver and also for trying to cover up the crime. He faced up to 10 years if he lost his re-trial (for just the murder).

He’ll be eligible for parole in a year and a half. Which must make the family of his driver ever-so-happy.

That 59-year-old Irish lady who slept with the 19-year-old? The one who said that homosexuality was worse than child abuse? Her name is Iris Robinson.

How did I not make that connection before?

In a related story, downloads in Ireland of the Simon & Garfunkel song “Mrs. Robinson” increased by 1200% last week. Hilarious.

A player, coach and manager of Pakistan’s national men’s field-hockey team have all been fined $2,000 by parliament. Why?

They were photographed drinking alcohol in Argentina. And (are you sitting down?) hugging a woman.

I can’t believe they were allowed to keep their hands.

Mark Zachary has shoplifted eight times in South Carolina. He did it again recently. $80 worth of steak.

The judge sentenced him to 10 years in prison.

If only he had done something less horrible, like beat his infant step-son to death with a hairbrush.

If Harry Reid had said “ebonics” instead of “Negro dialect,” would anyone give a shit about his comment?

Rich Lowry insists that “The anti-ObamaCare protests of the summer… were notably absent of racial content.”

I’d post some of the signs of Obama as a witch doctor or the ones that compared people with health insurance to piles of dead Jews in concentration camps, but why bother? Either you know Lowry is lying or you’re one of those Olympians that is guaranteed to get a medal.

According to the Urban Dictionary, an Upper Decker is when you defecate in the tank of a toilet.

In a doubly-related story, the trading card company Upper Deck is being sued by Konami Entertainment. Konami claims that Upper Deck illegally reproduced 600,000 Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Konami is seeking “hundreds of millions of dollars in damages.”

A judge will decide how much Upper Deck needs to pay Konami on January 26th. The verdict is expected to be far more than a drop in the bucket (if you know what I mean).

Reed Tucker has an incredible feature on Brad Pitt’s facial hair. ’sfascinating. Seems Reed hates Pitt’s current growth.

“The actor is reportedly growing this topiary experiment for a role… Fine. But films have makeup departments, you know. Why grow the real thing and subject us to this national nightmare.”

Reed Tucker: droppin’ hyperbole like Galileo dropped the orange.

Did you know that you can listen to Vampire Weekend’s new album for free at vampireweekend.com?

Well, you can.

French New Wave director Eric Rohmer has died at the age of 89.

Gene Hackman’s character in Night Moves said it best: “I saw one of his films once; it was like watching paint dry.”

Mark McGwire has admitted to using steroids.

In other news, Sarah Palin has accepted a job from Fox News and the national language of France is French.

Linda Stasi calls WE’s Little Miss Perfect “one of the most horrifying and horrifyingly entertaining reality shows” and gives it three stars.

It always makes me smile when Linda complements a reality TV show (she referred to reality TV as “the bottom feeder of entertainment” just last November).

Consistent inconsistence.

Barbara Walters claims that she was approached by NBC last June about coming back to her old network.

Let me guess — they told her that she could host The Tonight Show?

If Sarah Palin is hosting Real American Stories for the Fox News Channel, can I safely assume that no homosexuals or atheists will ever be featured?

Until tomorrow, I remain.


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