The little girl (2 years old? 3? 4?) who lives upstairs just barreled down the stairs singing/screaming the chorus of Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” over and over again. How does that happen? I mean, I catch myself humming Bon Jovi songs every now and then, but that’s because they were popular when I was in high school. Who in their right mind would introduce a child to Bon Jovi in 2010?

I may have to call Child Services.

Also, my wife is better than your wife. Disagree? Well, ask yourself this: Did your wife bake you a pie last night? No? I rest my case.

B’also, the DVD screener parade continues in my mailbox. Thus far, I have received: Up in the Air, Precious, Julie & Julia and An Education. And I would trade them all for Up. But I can’t watch any of them now (I can only watch crappy horror movies or Jersey Shore while I write, lest I get distracted by something interesting). I saw Invictus the other day and the best thing I can say about it is that I don’t seem to have brought any bedbugs home from the Pavilion. That said, this movie (despite a solid cast) is poorly written and insanely boring. Will you learn about rugby? No. Will you chuckle every time Matt Damon tries to sound South African? Prolly. This is a by-the-numbers Hollywood movie where the Jerome isn’t so much Magic as he is Charming. Which doesn’t mean that Freeman won’t get a nomination.

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Today’s cover has some Jets propaganda (apparently, they’re going to roar into SD, set to bash Bolts) and a somber headshot of Dominic Carter (NY1 star jailed), but the bulk of the cover goes to Mr. Obama ($ICK DEAL – Unions will dodge O’s health tax).

Apparently, the unions will be exempt (until 2018) from Obama’s “Cadillac tax” on high-cost health plans. The Post is outraged. How dare he gain political capital through negotiations! Where’s Lieberman?

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In more whining-about-Obama news, Mayor Bloomberg took some time off of his war on salt to warn New Yorkers that Obama’s bank tax will bring about the collapse of New York’s financial sector.

“If you want to see what happens to a city when their major industry fails, take a look at Detroit.”

He’s right — Eminem’s last album wasn’t very good.

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The FBI is unveiling a new digital billboard in Times Square (near the TKTS booth!) “displaying a rogues’ gallery of the most-wanted murderers, rapists, bank robbers, drug dealers and Wall Street scammers.” It will also feature “the faces of missing or kidnapped men, women and children.”

The fun will be in trying to guess which is which.

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He Pingping, 21, is 2′ 5″ tall. Sultan Kosen, 27, is 8′ 1″ tall. One is the world’s smallest man, the other is the world’s tallest man. And, for the first time in history (since the last time this happened), THEY MET EACH OTHER! And there’s a photo in the paper today of that meeting (DON’T STEP ON ME!), which the Post describes as “the Mutt and Jeff meeting.”

The fun will be in trying to figure out what that means.

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CRYING SHAME OF JAILED NY1 JOURNO shows a weeping Dominic Carter as he is led out of the courtroom he was sentenced (to 30 days) in. He was also ordered to “stay away from his wife Marilyn for two years.”

What that means is that Dominic and Marilyn can communicate via telephone only — until such time as Dominic is “prescribed medication by a psychiatrist able to assure the judge that Carter is well enough to see her.”

Justice Arnold Etelson scolded Dominic (“She’s not a ‘dumb project bitch.’ When are you going to wake up?”) and (I swear I’m not making this up) “gave Carter a photocopy of a New York magazine article about Matt Damon that cited the actor’s views on honesty and humility.”

There is now legal precedent — a judge can order you to be more like Matt Damon! What a country!

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A new state report claims that the MTA lost $100,000,000 in the first 10 months of 2009 because of the recession.

Bullpoopies.

Maybe it has less to do with Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli’s claim that “people don’t commute when they’re unemployed” and more to do with the fact that the MTA is charging commuters more money for less service. Or that most stations no longer have station agents and stabbings are on the rise. Or that people (with and without jobs) are buying bicycles as a “fuck you” to the MTA.

And maybe the MTA will read this data and decide that they need to combat it with another fare hike (that’s as safe a bet as you’ll ever see).

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Is Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend (Bar Refaeli) avoiding military service? An Israeli general says yes and has called for a boycott of every product she endorses.

What does she endorse? Victoria’s Secret? Does the general really want Israeli women to boycott Victoria’s Secret? Is he gay?

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Congratulations, Jay Leno! You got the 11:30 -12:30 time slot back after defecating all over the 10:00-11:00 one!

I like Conan’s take on Jeff Zucker’s threat to keep him off the air for 3 1/2 years: “If NBC doesn’t want people to see me, just leave me on NBC.”

Do not watch the new (old) Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Not out of curiosity, not ironically. Do not support NBC monetarily or otherwise.

Except 30 Rock. Watch that.

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Sarah Palin, James Cameron and Lady Gaga will all be on Oprah today.

The fun will be in trying to figure out which is which.

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Page Six (today on page 12) has a “section” called Sightings that lets you know where celebrities have been sighted around town. Among today’s list is “Al Gore enlarging his carbon footprint with Peking duck at Philippe.”

I wonder if it was the previous POTUS that was sighted if the item would’ve read “George W. Bush sentencing innocent American soldiers to death for no good reason with Peking duck at Philippe.”

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State senators have demanded a “quick vote” on whether or not to fire Hiram Monserrate. Monserrate, of course, has vowed to take it to court (if necessary).

“The people of this district, and only them, they are my bosses,” chirped the gigantic tool.

Say goodbye, Hiram. Next up: Espada.

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Mayor Bloomberg is angry at that judge who found the FDNY guilty of “intentional” racial discrimination.

Trans fats, Obama, salt, cigarettes, soda, judges… is there anything Bloomberg isn’t angry at?

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Kareem Bellamy was convicted of murder on 1995 and sentenced to 25 years to life.

His attorneys found “new evidence” in 2008 and the Supremem Court vacated the conviction and ordered a new trial.

Some of that “new evidence” — including a tape of someone else confessing to the murder — has been proven false. It was deliberately faked. So, prosecutors asked the state to reinstate the conviction and send Bellamy back to prison.

That same Supreme Court Justice… refused.

Kareem Bellamy, 42, currently remains a free man. But the man he killed, James Abbott, is currently remains.

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Bill O’Reilly’s Why Sarah Scares ‘Em So is a fawning and dubious puff piece about how wonderful Sarah Palin is. And anyone who thinks differently?

“If you guys are so smart, how come your ratings are softer than Jell-O?”

Hear that, kids? According to Mr. O’Reilly, Two and a Half Men is the funniest show on TV, Thriller is the best album ever made, and Avatar and Titanic are the two greatest movies of all time. Case closed!

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Really, guys? Taxing banks an extra 0.15% is going to destroy our financial institutions? Really? That’s what’s got everyone’s panties in a bunch?

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Movie Reviews!

Lou Lumenick gives The Book of Eli two and a half stars (“‘Book’ a real page-turner with Denzel in action”).

Kyle Smith gives The Spy Next Door one star (He’s Bland, James Bland). And that’s despite the combined star power of Jackie Chan and Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez!

V.A. Musetto gives Mine two stars (there’s no Asian nudity) and Asian B-movie House three and a half stars (“[there's] even a little upskirt action”). Yes, he really said that.

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The Nets have another “game” tonight! Will they become 4-35 or 3-36?

Either way, they are horrible.

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We’re months away from Opening Day, but the Mets are already hurting. Carlos Beltran (and his agent, Scott “The Man Who Destroyed Baseball” Boras) insist that the Mets knew he was having surgery. The Mets disagree. In fact, they say, they told Boras to tell Beltran to hold off on the surgery and Boras called back to tell them that the surgery was already finished — and that he had no idea that it was scheduled for that day.

Good luck in 2010, Mets.

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Weekend!

Once again, Dog Court dominated in the Magnet Inferno and so, once again, I will be in the cheap seats rooting for them this Sunday at 9:30 p.m. at the Magnet Theater. It’s $5 and worth your time (but only if you promise to vote for Dog Court).

Beyond that, I plan on chilling with my pie-making wife (I was going to say “wifey” but Tila Tequila has forever ruined that word for me).

Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow.