Archive for January 16th, 2010

I had a lovely day with my lovely day being lovely. And then I remembered the four of you.

So, for your benefit, here is today’s Post (translated into coherence).

But first, I have this great idea for a sketch — James Cameron starts showing investors his ideas for future CGI-heavy projects (Abe Lincoln biopic, remake of The Parallax View) and it becomes clear that the CGI he invented is contingent on everyone being a 10′ blue cat-thing.

OK, maybe “great” was the wrong word.

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Is Scott Brown going to win Ted Kennedy’s seat? He has Rudy 9iu11ani stumping for him, his challenger (Martha Coakley, previously assumed to win in a landslide) has Bill Clinton stumping for her. Says Brown, “She’s entitled to bring whoever she wants to bring, but I’ll tell you what. Mayor 9iu11ani, Bill Clinton — I’m right where I want to be.”

Which I take to mean that he prefers 9iu11ani over Clinton. Which should be grounds for disqualification.

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There’s a photo on page 3 of all of the “Miracle on the Hudson” survivors aboard a ferry (were it me, I’d avoid the Hudson — and possibly air travel — for the rest of my life, but that’s just me), all raising their glasses in a toast to, um, not being dead.

The photo caption claims the passengers are “down[ing] Grey Goose vodka” and the article (TOAST TO SURVIVAL) begins, “They raised a toast to life yesterday afternoon with glasses of vodka named for the bird that nearly killed them.”

Just about everyone in the photo is holding a glass of beer.

“I know,” lamented the author when I called him, “but I’d already written the article before the photo was taken. It’s New York Post policy.”

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Fun facts: Prior to the earthquake, Haiti had roughly 3 doctors for every 10,000 Haitians, and the average life expectancy was 53. Oh, and the second-leading cause of death was “diarrheal illnesses.”

OK, maybe “fun” was the wrong word.

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There will be a telethon on January 22nd at 8:00 p.m. for Haitian earthquake victims. It will air on ABC, CBS, Fox, CNN, BET, the CW, HBO, MTV, VH1, CMT and (surprisingly, NBC).

The surprise comes from the fact that NBC usually waits until 10:00 p.m. to broadcast disasters.

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SCANDAL!!!1!

Those vegetables that the celebrity chefs used in the White House Iron Chef of America special? The ones that supposedly came from the White House garden?

They were stand-ins! That miserable Communaziocialist Michelle Obama LIED!!!

The “spin” that the Liberal media is putting on the story is that they had to use stand-ins because the actual challenge was filmed a week after the White House portion was filmed, but there are also rumors that all of the White House garden’s bounty was donated to a local food kitchen in October.

Well, which is it Fraü Obama?

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I was afraid of this.

“Conan O’Brien staffers are furious that they’re losing their Tonight Show jobs while O’Brien walks away from the fiasco with $30,000,000, sources tell Page Six… ‘The production team feels betrayed,’ one source said.”

I hope this isn’t true. I’ve read elsewhere that one of the conditions in Conan’s “exit package” is that his staff is “taken care of.”

I hope it is. The thought of people moving their whole family to Los Angeles and not being compensated by NBC (or Conan) makes me ill.

We shall see…

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If you liked [your chances of entering Bristol Palin's vagina], then you’ll have to put a ring on [Bristol Palin's ring finger].

“I’m not going to have sex until I’m married. I can guarantee it,” said the dimwit whose DNA precludes her from seeing anything through to completion. This quote comes from the new In Touch Weekly cover story/interview that she and her ever dimmer-witted mother were paid $100,000 to give (the whole affair, including the photo shoot, took eight hours — and was done at the Palin’s home).

This, my friends, is why she quit being governor. This, my friends, is better serving the people of Alaska… and America.

(wipes tear of joy/cerebral palsy from eye)

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There’s another MTA bus line that’s being discontinued — but this time I’m all for it.

The X25 bus is an express bus from Grand Central Terminal to Wall Street.The estimated number of riders it serves each (business) day?

Twenty (20).

Estimated cost per rider? $80.

War criminals. That’s what they all are.

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Nicolas Cage has to pay another $14,000,000 in federal taxes (in addition to the liens on his many properties and the $6,700,000 he owes in 2008 taxes).

Looks like National Treasure 3 is a go!

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The Arenas/Crittenton story is amended (again!).

During the December 19th card game (on a plane!), Arenas threatened to “burn [Crittenton's Cadillac Escalade]“ or “shoot him in the face.” Crittenton countered that he would “shoot the fuck out of Arenas” and “shoot Arenas in his [surgically-repaired knee].”

Two days later, Arenas placed “a Browning 9mm pistol, a 45-caliber semi-automatic Kimber Eclipse, a 50-caliber Desert Eagle and a 500 Magnum Smith & Wesson revolver” on Crittenton’s chair along with a note that read “PICK 1.“

“What’s this?” asked Crittenton.

“You said you were going to shoot me, so pick one,” Arenas replied.

This rest of the story remains as is (for now). This is a horrible newspaper.

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A Lebanese man was busted by Malaysian police. He had $66,000,000 in counterfeit U.S. currency.

What tipped them off (no pun intended)?

He left a $500 bill as a tip when he checked out of his hotel.

Teresa, cross Lebanon off the list.

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Dominic Carter’s attorneys are trying to get him released pending his appeal. The judge said not “until at least Tuesday.”

The judge must really wants Carter to read that Matt Damon article.

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John “Junior” Gotti! Now that the feds say they’ll stop trying to convict you on all of those pesky racketeering charges, what are you going to do?

Become a children’s book author.

Fuggeduhboudit.

Seriously, Junior. Please forget about it.

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The only thing worse than reading Michael Goodwin’s hate-nonsense? Reading the mail that people write, praising his courage and brilliance.

One mouth-breather (Joe DePascale of Brooklyn) implores New Yorkers to “vote this do-nothing president out of office.” I thought the problem was that he’s doing too much? No?

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The Nets lost 121-105 last night.

They are now 3-36.

Holy Christ, that’s a bad record.

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In other Nets news, the Nets traded Eduardo Najera for Kris Humphries and Shawne Williams on Monday.

Yesterday (at 2:54 p.m.), the Nets waived Williams (“he was way out of shape and we didn’t really like what we saw,” said Kiki Vandeweghe). At 3:16 p.m., Williams was booked on eight drug charges (he turned himself in).

Go Nets!

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Great job, E!

The network that occasionally reminds us it’s still there has beaten VH1 to the why-the-fuck-does-that-person-have-a-TV-show punch! Pretty Wild will follow three teenaged sisters in Hollywood! Viewers will get to see them, um, be teenagers! In Hollywood! And if the names Tess Taylor, Gabrielle Neiers and Alexis Neiers don’t ring a bell, that’s OK. The only fame the family has (thus far) is that Alexis was one of the teen burglars that robbed Orlando Bloom and Lindsay Lohan. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is totes pretty wild.

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And I am pretty tired. G’night!