Archive for January 17th, 2010

He’s like Spitzer… only blinder.

17th January
2010
written by jed

Is “Governor” Paterson having an affair? According to today’s front page EXCLUSIVE, he was spotted “nuzzling” and “kissing the neck” of a “mystery woman” during “an intimate lunch” at a restaurant in New Jersey (GOV’S MYSTERY WOMAN). The story continues on page 3 and claims Paterson “was spotted nuzzling, neck-kissing and cooing like a smitten schoolboy” at the River Palm Terrace in Edgewater, NJ.

You know who else liked to eat there? Eliot Spitzer.

If Paterson had a career, this might have been the end of it.

Is there a group of city peace officers who sport identical tattoos and are “exhibiting gang behavior”? And who post “Beat the Homeless” on their MySpace pages? And who, in fact, beat the homeless? It appears so.

The Department of Homeless Services have ordered all officers to cover up their tattoos.

Which should fix the problem entirely.

Michael Goodwin is back for some more ObamaHate (patent pending). Two bad for Obama warns us that, as awful as Obama’s first year has been (?), “Year 2 of his reign of error is shaping up as more of the same only worse.” I see what you did there, Michael. Hilarious.

Today’s teeniest piece is Knocking ’em dead, which is reprinted in its entirety below:

“Stephen Colbert was channeling Sarah Palin. Unable to ruffle Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, the TV funnyman smiled sweetly and said: ‘You seem like a very nice person. I hope I get you on my death panel.’”

Can you guess what Goodwin’s intention is here? Is it to make fun of Palin? Colbert? Sebelius? All? None?

That’s the sign of great journalism — when the writer really makes you think.

Hey, Page Six (today on page 10)? The past tense of choose is chose, not choose.

“Sage Grazer, daughter of movie producer Brian Grazer, is a senior at the NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, but she choose a gallery on Melrose Place in LA to house her first show…”

And we learn that Sarah Palin (who ain’t no elitist — she’s a real Amurrican!) was spotted “drinking Perrier-Jouet at the David Burke Townhouse…” You betcha.

Cindy Adams’ column begins and ends with the sentiment “Doesn’t pay to be rich.”

She’s serious, too. She lists all of the horrible things that the wealthy have to deal with (maids who wear shorts! friends who want to borrow money! fussy co-op boards!).

How much longer can you do this, Cindy? And for what reason?

A woman sent her son photos of his 4-year-old relative in her swimsuit. Her son is stationed in Afghanistan and is a soldier in the National Guard.

Spc. Billy Miller is being charged with possession of child pornography and a related charge of “failure to obey an order that troops in Afghanistan not possess pornography.”

The US Army refuses to discuss the case with the soldiers’ parents.

(waves miniature American flag)

Remember the guy (Motty Borger, 24) who jumped to his death (from a balcony at the Avenue Plaza Hotel) two days into his honeymoon? Now folks are saying he was despondent because he had been molested by prominent rabbi Baruch Lebovits, 59 (and that he told his new wife all of the sordid details the day after the wedding).

Lebovits is currently facing charges of molesting other children (the case starts Wednesday).

This is truly a shanda fur die goy.

Charles Hurt reminds us all just how overflowing with shit he is in Mass Dem’s lame attack: My foe’s a GOPer! Basically, he’s saying that Martha Coakley “broke the glass on negative ads last week when she rolled out one on television informing voters — in a scary voice — that Scott is a Republican and that the Republican Party is the very same party that was once headed by George Bush and Dick Cheney.”

“Yet this is what it’s come to: Don’t vote for Scott Brown because look at all the yucky people in his party.

And: Vote for me because look at all the swell people in my party.”

This is the same idiot who (on 1/07/10) penned Abandon ship! Party is sinking which concluded that, since three Democrats weren’t seeking re-election, the entire Democratic Party was irrevocably falling apart. But now, for a Democrat to lump all Republicans together… that’s a sign of weakness.

Have a drink, Charles. Then try and go down those stairs as fast as you can! In heels!

Another EXCLUSIVE.

The FDNY has purged all volunteer ambulances from their emergency 911 system (FDNY’s siren-ara to EMTs).

There are roughly 35 community-run corps of ambulances responding to between 10,000 and 15,000 calls each year. On 1/05/01, the “vollies” were added to the 911 system. Nine years later, they’re being removed.

Feel safer? I sure do.

Another security breach, this time at JFK’s Terminal 8. Jules Paul Bouloute, 57, walked through two “secure” doors, triggering an alarm and forcing the evacuation of thousands of passengers and the grounding of all flights for a few hours. Despite setting off two different alarms by going through two “secure” doors, Bouloute was still able to leave the airport at ground level.

Feel safer? I sure do.

He must be a big Jayson Williams fan.

Charles Jesse Johnson, 40, was being pursued by police as he sped down US Highway 98. He ran a red light. Then he made a left turn, stopped the car and tried to hide in the back seat.

The police (using their incredible detective skills and the fact that no one left the car after it stopped) found Johnson and discovered that “he had seven license suspensions and four revocations on his record.”

Teresa, add Florida back to the list and then cross it off again.

TILA’S 2nd SHOT AT FAME is one of those oddities that pop up in the Post on a regular basis. The Post loves to take the moral high ground against “celebutards” like Paris Hilton and Tila Tequila, claiming that they’re just publicity whores (which they are). And then they give them a ton of publicity.

‘Wifey’ widow Tequila has death grip on spotlight accuses the sub-heading. And what is the new wrinkle in Ms. Tequila’s Fame Prune (patent pending)? She wants to adopt Casey Johnson’s adopted daughter, Ava.

“I think the media are confusing the Tila of 10 years ago with the Tila of today,” laments the attention-grubber who is being given a page and a half of attention by today’s Post. “I haven’t had, like, a major, major project that will make you forget about Shot of Love,” Tequila added, getting the name of her 2007-2008 reality show (which lasted two seasons for some reason) wrong (it was A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila). The show has been off the air for less than two years (not, like, ten).

Some of Tila’s recent tweets: “[Casey's] last wish was to have Ava, have me have Ava. Casey’s not resting in peace right now. She has come to me in my dreams.” and “R.I.P. CASEY NGUYEN … R.I.P. my Angel. That’s the last I will speak of this. Meet me in the Grape Soda Waterfalls in my dream.” and “I was on TV the other day, and [the host] was ready to attack me and make me look like a fool. But after America watched it, I think all of America just fell in love with me again.”

I can’t wait to read more in the Post about how this idiot isn’t worthy of my attention.

Holy shit! An editorial that I actually agree with!

How did Matt Taibbi get published in the New York Post?!?

Kyle Smith gingerly removes his fist from his own ass to write Enquirer’s Edwards story beat beltway scribes at own game. The crux is that the National Enquirer has “rock-solid reporting” and that the mainstream media ignores it at their peril. His shining example of this? The John Edwards scandal (and its coverage in that new book, Game Change).

“Some of the most devastating reporting in [Game Change] is about the six-foot trail of oozing amoebic dysentery formerly known as Sen. John Edwards — and his crazy-ass wife, Elizabeth.”

Stay classy, Kyle.

Lou Lumenick picks the winners of this year’s Golden Globes. The only two surprises (in my humble opinion) are Helen Mirren (The Last Station) for Best Actress – Drama and Michael Stuhlbarg (A Serious Man) for Best Actor – Comedy/Musical. I think Sandra Bullock will win Best Actress – Drama (if not Carey Mulligan) and either Joseph-Gordon Levitt ([500] Days of Summer) or Daniel Day-Lewis (Nine) for Best Actor – Comedy/Musical. Heck, even Matt Damon has a better shot than Stuhlbarg!

(still haven’t seen A Serious Man, but the Golden Globes aren’t about talent — they’re about celebrity, which is why I think Bullock has the best shot at winning)

ASK A HOOKER FOR ADVICE!

Why do men leave their wives or girlfriends when the women are ill? Women take care of men when they’re ill, yet when a woman gets sick, many men can’t get to higher ground fast enough. Some even find girlfriends or a mistress. Why do men shun women during their biggest time of need? — Apres, 27, Chicago

ASHLEY: “As far as a man seeing another woman during this time, he must not know that an orgasm is a pleasant distraction and minimizes pain! The sick person is the one who should be having orgasms all day! That’s the kind of man that I want. I’m taking applications!”

ME: “Is your sister named Auparavant?”

I’ve been dating a girl for six months and I’m starting to fall in love with her. We’re both in our late 20s, but her number of sexual partners irks me — even though I’ve slept with twice as many women. She’s perfect except for her number. I know it’s selfish and a double standard, but I keep thinking about it. — Greg, Westchester

ASHLEY: “This is why I am vehemently opposed to disclosing the number of sexual partners you’ve had.”

ME: “Says the (former?) prostitute.”

After five years of marriage, is a couple ready to swing? — Cindy, 45, Brooklyn

ASHLEY: “Swinging is a pretty big step, but couples that are comfortable enough with their relationship might benefit from the lifestyle because, rather than having affairs, they’re open, honest and ‘playing’ with each other.”

ME: “Only if you and your husband are old, pudgy and creepy (judging by every documentary on swinging I’ve ever seen).”

What are some good opening lines that work on women? — Mike, 47, Staten Island

ASHLEY: “Honesty works best. I like wit and someone who’s confident and charming. Take control. Walk over, look into her eyes, and in a slow, sexy, calm, confident voice say, ‘I’m sorry, I noticed you when you walked in. I think you’re beautiful. Do you mind if I buy you a drink?’ Or say, ‘If you’re meeting your boyfriend, I apologize. I just needed to come over and talk to you.’ By then, she’s either interested and says yes, or says that she’s waiting for her boyfriend. If she’s meeting her boyfriend, then say, ‘Lucky guy. But OK. I respect that. I just needed to come and introduce myself. Something about you intrigued me. If things ever change, here’s my card. I hope you use it.’ If it were me, at that point, something about you would intrigue me.”

ME: “I can afford to pay you for sex, Ms. Dupre, despite your non-competitive pricing.”

I hope the Jets lose, if for no other reason than I’m tired of seeing their morbidly obese coach in the paper every day. Rex Ryan looks like he has a family of six under his shirt.

And that’s Sunday. Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day, so I get to sleep in with my Mrs. But I’ll still make time for you crazy kids, too.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, peeps!

0 Comments
Dailies