Archive for January 18th, 2010

Mets! I mean Nets! Er, Jets! Yeah, Jets!

18th January
2010
written by jed

When I left last night, the Jets were losing. By the time I got to the Magnet Inferno (where the undefeated Dog Court won their fifth straight match), the Jets had won. Which means that today (and tomorrow and all of next week), I have more photos of Buddy Ryan’s gargantuan loinfruit to look at. Yay. There’s a Jet on the cover but, thankfully, he is not morbidly obese.

Charles Hurt pulls (makes?) triple duty on page 3. In a teeny blurb at the page’s center, he scoffs at Martha Coakley’s verbal gaffe (Coakley’s unforced error) that occurred on “a radio show”… at some point (solid reporting, Churlie!). Hurt describes the faux pas as “a vile, cursed, unrivaled insult” and that Coakley “had fouled up as badly as possible.”

She called Curt Schilling “another Yankee fan.”

CONTEXT (which I was able to get by Googling “coakley schilling yankee fan”): The radio host (Dan Rea!) asked her about how close the polls are and she said that if they weren’t so close, Obama wouldn’t be stumping and neither would Rudy 9iu11ani — who, she pointed out amid chuckles “is a Yankee fan.” The radio host then added that Curt Schilling is also getting involved and she said, “another Yankee fan.” Rea immediately challenged her and she (after saying “he doesn’t play for [the Red Sox] anymore…” which I took as an obvious joke) corrected herself.

Which makes this page 3 news. Anything else, Churlie?

SAVING HER MASS. (see what he did there?) begins with the chilling “With the fate of his hard-fought health-care plan hanging in the balance” and describes Obama’s recent stumping in Boston as “desperate.” That’s two. Here’s three: Prez’s outsider act is bombing in Kennedy country.

I’ll ignore the obvious “don’t use bombing in a headline when American soldiers are being blown up in at least two countries every week” and instead take issue with Hurt’s presumption that Obama’s involvement is “the final nail in her already-closing political coffin.”

I wanted Coakley to win because she’s a Democrat. I wanted her to win because her opponent is a Tea-bagger whose crowds have cheered that Coakley should have a curling iron shoved up her butt and that she should commit suicide. But now I want her to win so that Churlie can eat his foul words and, if there is a God, choke on them.

Lou Lumenick (with a straight face!) claims that the Golden Globes are “probably more predictive of what will happen in the Oscar’s Best Picture race” than “virtually all of the critics’ prizes, including those given by the Broadcast Film Critics Association.”

Which is why he thinks Avatar (which won the Golden Globes for Best Picture – Drama and Best Director) will take the Best Picture Academy Award. I disagree.

Other “winners” last night were The Hangover (Best Picture – Comedy), Jeff Bridges (Best Actor – Drama), Sandra Bullock (Best Actress – Drama), Robert Downey Jr. (Best Actor – Comedy), Meryl Streep (Best Actress – Comedy), Cristoph Waltz (Best Supporting Actor) and Mo’Nique (Best Supporting Actress). And Chloë Sevigny won Best Supporting Actress (TV) for Big Love.

That’s right: Meryl Streep won for comedy, Sandra Bullock won for drama, and Chloë Sevigny won for her “acting.”

Welcome to… Apocalypto!

Starbucks prices have all gone up (except for their plain ol’ cup of coffee, but who goes to Starbucks for a cup of coffee?). Your $5.55 triple grande soy vanilla latte now costs $6.25. And, if you’re not a woman, what’s left of your pride.

Jules Paul Bouloute! Why did you set off the alarms at JFK airport — TWICE — last Saturday?

“I was looking for the exit to find a taxi.”

Right, but you went through a door that was marked RESTRICTED and set off an alarm and then you did the exact same thing again instead of stopping.

“I kept going because I was lost.”

Well, that makes sense then.

Is it just me or does it seem a bit weird that the Save Conan O’Brien rallies are being held on Martin Luther King Day?

Also, someone make me a CoCo and MiLK shirt to commemorate the event, please.

Ohio is a weird place.

An obscure law is on the books in Delaware County, which states that the county has to pay anyone who gets hurt by a rabid animal. David Froehlich, 61, asked for (and got) $1,500 (the maximum), even though he missed the application deadline by two days.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to book a flight to Ohio (with a stopover at a rabid pet store).

More about the NYPD that will make you sad(der).

“Renegade Port Authority police supervisors” who want to do something about the current “unflattering crime statistics” are now using intimidation and threats against… Duane Reade security guards. They’re telling the guards not to report shoplifting incidents — even when they apprehend the suspects.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the Duane Reade across the street from the Port Authority Bus Terminal and take whatever the fuck I want to.

On page 15 (a far cry from page 3), there’s a piece on how Bruce Blakeman (former Long Island lawmaker and current Republican candidate for the Senate) spoke to roughly 500 supporters at the American Legion Hall in Valley Stream yesterday and made a sports-related verbal gaffe.

“Let’s all hope that the Giants are victorious today.”

To be fair, when you hear about a tri-state area team succeeding, you naturally assume it isn’t one of the teams rhyme with “pets.”

Fun Fact: Bruce’s ex-wife is Nancy Shevell (current girlfriend/diaper-changer of Dame Paul McCartney).

The Post took a photo of Chuck Schumer and a photo of Kirsten Gillibrand and combined them into a photo of Schumer’s face with Gillibrand’s hair and neck/chest! And they named it SCHUMIBRAND! It’s like a live-action political cartoon!

This is really an awful newspaper.

Mandrea!

Left’s hero caught with pants down tells the sad tale of Scott Ritter. He was the UN weapons inspector that insisted that Iraq had no WMDs (I’d call them WsMD, but you’d all think it was a typo). Then he got caught soliciting sex from (what he thought was) an underage girl in 2001. Twice.

And he’s (allegedly) done it again. Is he a hero of the left? Nope.

But is Bush’s former counsel who almost choked his wife to death a hero of the right? Is Mandrea a deplorable nimrod?

The answer to at least one of those questions is yes.

TRAGEDY OF HAITI shifts gears to praise Americans for being “fundamentally good and generous,” as evidenced by all of the fat citizens who texted $5 or $10 to Haitian relief efforts without needing to change out of their sweatpants and Winger t-shirts.

Political cockroaches attacks Hiram Monserrate and Pedro Espada Jr. and laments that nothing will get them out of their offices. Mandrea is usually wrong about everything; I hope she’s especially wrong about this.

And now, Conan’s fans need a nap in its entirety:

Repeat after me: It’s only TV. It’s only TV.

Yes, NBC made a mess of late night by wrecking a winning formula, putting Conan O’Brien on the “Tonight Show,” and plunking Jay Leno on the tube at 10. Someone should be fired. Maybe tortured. Or made to fly coach.

But putting the planets back in their proper alignment by returning Leno to 11:35 has bruised a lot of feelings, particularly those of rabid O’Brien fans. They view NBC’s sudden realization that the new lineup was the worst decision made since President Obama’s Hawaiian vacation as a form of treason. I say, calm down.

Your boy will be back on the air . . . somewhere.

In the meantime, learn to read. Take a walk. Or sleep. Only bartenders and bubble-headed heiresses should stay up past 11 on school nights.

Is Mandrea uglier on the inside or outside? You make the call!

MC Paul Barman just rapped “Ruth Bader Ginsburg” as I read her name in Cindy Adams’ column (Cindy thinks Ruth will retire soon).

Chilling.

Cindy also shares that Robert Downey Jr. (who just won an “award” for Sherlock Holmes) is “razzberrying the offer of a sequel” and Steven Spielberg is exec-producing a six-part Science Channel documentary on the World Trade Center called Rebuilding Ground Zero. Wanna bet the documentary is finished before the World Trade Center?

Readers write in to weigh in on the Leno/O’Brien situation. Sean King of Mineola says, “Leno is Vladimir Putin to O’Brien’s Dmitry Medvedev.”

Joe Alaina of the Bronx says, “O’Brien is a big baby… Grow up, O’Brien. People are struggling to make ends meet while you enjoy a multimillion-dollar salary.”

Jim Silberman of Manhattan believes that Leno and O’Brien have strengths, but neither is a good talk-show host. “It’s a lost art, and the sole survivor is Dick Cavett.”

Wait — Dick Cavett is still alive?

And Deborah Fleming of Lavallette, New Jersey is one syllable away from a haiku with “Mix them around or turn them upside down. Just make them go away.”

The Nets have a “game” today at 3:30 against the L.A. Clippers.

By 7:00 p.m., they will either be 3-37 or 4-36.

Either way, [photo of crying baby].

The Dallas Cowboys got their asses kicked by Minnesota. Good. I hate Dallas.

The final episode of Jersey Shore is this Thursday? Really?

Damn. I hope MTV does an outtake show. Or a reunion show.

(crosses fingers sarcastically)

The end.

Enjoy your day off, peeps!

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