I spent the morning assembling everything I (thought I’d) need to make my wife a sweet birthday present. Or so I thought. Now it looks like I spent $30 for a bunch of stuff I can’t utilize on my computer (I’d be more specific, but Teresa reads this and I’m hoping one of the young bucks in Dog Court might be able to help me on Thursday).

Sigh.

I told my old friend that I’d try to read his screenplay this weekend and I did. Try, that is. But I couldn’t find the time and he’s already asking for feedback. I thought I’d be able to do read the script today while I made Teresa her present, but now that I’m not making presents, I feel like the pile of dirty dishes need to take precedence.

Double sigh.

And the cherry on the sundae is that I was asked to coach a three-person improv group tomorrow afternoon and I said yes, but only two of the three agreed (or acknowledged that there was a group in the first place) and that was over a week ago, so I’m guessing there is no rehearsal. I really wish things would get better for Teresa and me (physically, psychologically, and monetarily).

Well, let’s see what the New York Post has on the OH MY GOD, REX RYAN’S NECK LOOKS LIKE A SADDLE WITH BEARD STUBBLE.

Ahem.

---

The best Rex we ever had accompanies the aforementioned photo of football’s unhealthiest coach and promises plenty of follow-up coverage (again).

But beneath the smiling fatty, there’s CRITICAL MASS. which explains why a Republican win in Massachusetts’ special election today means that the Democrats (and Obama in pertickalur) will lose EVERYTHING EVER (and Obama will suffer “his biggest embarrassment as chief executive”). Or so “pundits say.”

Here’s something to consider when the source of what you’re reading is “pundits.” In order to get on the TV, you have to have the same opinion as the “anchor/host/monologist” of cable’s “news” programming (Olbermann has left-leaning pundits, O’Reilly has baby-eating pundits). In fact, if you want to be a featured contributor, you have to have even more radical ideas than the host, so that the host can say “hold on a minute” and make his own insane views seem more level-headed in comparison. But there are a lot of pundits out there and not a whole lot of open positions to be filled. So, if you want to stand out, your opinions need to be borderline outlandish.

So there will always be someone out there insisting that Obama is a secret Muslim; who believes Obama hacked voting machines to win in 2008; that Obama is not an American citizen; that death panels are mos def part of the health-care overhaul; that Obama’s mother birthed him out of wedlock — because who knows when that argument might come back into style?

B’also? Coakley is an incredibly uncharismatic dullard. So much so that the people of Massachusetts may very well be willing to destroy the legacy of Ted Kennedy just to not elect her. Churley Hurt’s nickname for her (“Martha Chokely”) isn’t as hyperbolic as it should be.

Though, to her credit, she didn’t pose naked in Cosmopolitan.

B’alsolso (patent pending)? When did the GOP start believing what the polls say?

---

The MTA plans on making the tolls on their bridges and tunnels will be “non-stop.” The police believe that this will remove the “‘natural roadblock’ for drunk drivers, toll-beaters and even terrorists.”

A trip to California makes you realize how lucky we are to live in city almost entirely covered by a somewhat-reliable transit system. But watching the Golden Globes and seeing that MTA board member on the arm of Dame Paul McCartney reminds you how corrupt and despicable the peope who run that system are.

And now they’re going to increase your chances of getting into an accident. And increase the cost of that privilege.

---

Someone who works for the company that provides fuel to JFK Airport was arrested yesterday. Bernard Seabrooks was charged with “menacing and weapons possession.”

He shined a laser pointer at a pilot who was preparing for takeoff.

On the one hand, the charges seem harsh (a weapon? really?), but on the other hand, please throw that moron in prison for a few years.

---

Oh, this is funny. Did you hear about this? You hear this? Here are Jay Leno’s remarks from his show last night:

“I thought maybe I should address this. At least give you my view of what has been going on here at NBC.

Oh, let’s start in 2004 — 2004, I’m sitting in my office, an NBC executive comes in and says to me, ‘Listen, Conan O’Brien has gotten offers from other networks. We don’t want him to go, so we’re going to give him ‘The Tonight Show.’ ‘I said, ‘Well, I’ve been number one for 12 years.’ They said, ‘We know that, but we don’t think you can sustain that.’ I said, ‘OK. How about until I fall to number two, then you fire me?’ ‘No, we made this decision.’ I said, ‘That’s fine.’

Don’t blame Conan O’Brien. Nice guy, good family guy, great guy. He and I have talked and not a problem since then. That’s what managers and people do, they try to get something for their clients. I said, ‘I’ll retire just to avoid what happened the last time.’ OK.

So time goes by, and we stay number one up until the day we leave. We hand — [applause] — no, no. OK, but I’m leaving before my contract is out. About six to eight months early. So before I could go anywhere else, it would be at least a year or 18 months before I could go and do a show somewhere else.

I said to NBC, ‘Would you release me from my contract?’ They said, ‘We want to keep you here.’ OK.

‘What are your ideas?’ They said, ‘How about prime time?’ I said, ‘That will never work.’ ‘No, no, we want to put you on at 10. We have done focus groups. People will love you at 10.’ . . . Four months go by, we don’t make it. Meanwhile, Conan’s show during the summer — we’re not on — was not doing well. The great hope was that we would help him. Well, we didn’t help him any. OK.

They come and go, ‘This show isn’t working. We want to let you go.’ ‘Can you let me out of my contract?’ ‘No, you’re still a valuable asset to this company.’ How valuable can I be? You fired me twice. How valuable can I be? OK.

So then, the affiliates are not happy. The affiliates are the ones that own the TV stations. They’re the ones that sort of make the decisions. ‘They’re not happy with your performance, and Conan is not doing well at 11:30.’ I said, ‘What’s your idea?’ They said, ‘Well, look, how about you do a half-hour show at 11:30?’ Now, where I come from, when your boss gives you a job and you don’t do it well — I think we did a good job here, but we didn’t get the ratings, so you get humbled. I said, ‘OK, I’m not crazy about doing a half-hour, but OK. What do you want to do with Conan?’ ‘We’ll put him on at midnight, or 12:05, keeps ‘The Tonight Show’ does all that, he gets the whole hour.’ I said, ‘OK. You think Conan will go for that?’ ‘Yes, yes. [Laughter.] Almost guarantee you.’ I said OK. Shake hands, that’s it. I don’t have a manager, I don’t have an agent, that’s my handshake deal.

Next thing, I see Conan . . . saying he doesn’t want to do that. They come back to me and they say, ‘If he decides to walk and doesn’t want to do it, do you want the show back?’ I go, ‘Yeah, I’ll take the show back. If that’s what he wants to do. This way, we keep our people working, fine.’

So that’s pretty much where we are. It looks like we might be back at 11:30, I’m not sure. I don’t know. [Applause.] I don’t know. But through all of this — through all of this, Conan O’Brien has been a gentleman. He’s a good guy. I have no animosity towards him.

This is all business. If you don’t get the ratings, they take you off the air . . . You can do almost anything. You get ratings, they keep you. I don’t get ratings he wants. That was NBC’s solution. It didn’t work, so we might have an answer for you tomorrow.

So, we’ll see. That’s basically where it is.”

Isn’t that nice? And now, context.

The internets never forgets.

---

Bonus Mandrea column! And it’s incredibly condescending!

Another Memphis guy with rock-star appeal! analyzes (sarcastically, of course) Harold Ford Jr.’s speech yesterday (at Al Sharpton’s National Action Network in Harlem). “He tried — and failed — to torpedo his Southern accent. And he royally ticked off the smitten media, as well as his maybe political rival, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand. That’s right. Harold Ford Jr. walked into the event a nobody. And he emerged a punk-rock star. Few in the crowd knew the identity of the cute, quiet guy as he sat onstage.”

Really? He’s been in the paper and on TV an awful lot over the last couple of years, especially in the last month or two. But I guess the folks up in Harlem don’t read or watch anything except music videos, right?

“Ford stood up, this son of privilege, now a bank vice chairman and a guy who eschews the subway — and talked like he was born in Harlem. Except, that is, for the words ‘on,’ which he pronounced with two syllables, and ‘helpful,’ from which he omitted the ‘l.’ No matter.”

1) Isn’t what you just said kinda/sorta EXACTLY what Harry Reid said about Obama, except with actual examples?

2) Did he say “hepful” or “helpfu”?

3) Your kids must be so proud.

---

Attention Bronx residents! A “team of gypsies” (isn’t the proper collective noun “a blight of gypsies”?) have been robbing the elderly by telling them there’s a leak in their home. The marks open the door and then they get robbed.

So if someone asks you to open your door, first make sure they have all of their teeth and aren’t wearing multiple scarves.

---

According to the Post (with regards to Rex Ryan), “Fat is the new win.”

Yay! I win!

---

Kim Kardashian claims that Reggie Bush (running back for New Orleans) promised to propose to her if the Saints win the Super Bowl.

[insert joke about Reggie throwing the game... here]

---

OMG! Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were totally making out backstage at the Golden Globes!

Now I’m definitely going to see their new romantic comedy!

(sadly, this trick worked with The Break-Up)

---

Sit down.

Are you sitting down? Good.

The Situation, Snooki and JWoWW (three of Jersey Shore’s most severely differently-abled stars) were taking a red-eye from LAX to JFK and they acted “obnoxious, pushy and entitled.”

[cue Paula Cole's "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?]

---

Page Six (today on page 12) reports that Mischa Barton celebrated her 23rd birthday (she doesn’t look a day over 42!) on Sunday. She “sipped Champagne throughout the evening but remained in control.”

So much for that drinking problem! You go, girl!

(she’ll be dead by 28)

---

On January 8th, a construction crew erected a crane on a barge in the middle of Flushing Bay.

Directly in the flight paths of numerous planes.

It was dismantled before anyone got hurt, but there were a few diverted flights that day.

Feeling safer? Me, too.

---

Yo quiero rest in peace.

(Glen W. Bell, 86, founder of Taco Bell, died Sunday.)

---

Wife-beater newsman agrees to finish jail term

“Hello, Post?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s Dominic Carter.”

“Oh… uh… hey…”

“Why did you call me ‘Wife-beater newsman’ today? I thought we were close!”

“Uh… we didn’t have enough space to put your name, so we gave you a shorter nickname.”

“But my name is shorter than… hello? Hello? Goddamnit.”

(the actual story offers no word on whether or not he’s gotten around to reading that Matt Damon article yet)

---

During the Jets game on Sunday, 10,000 text donations were received in a single minute, bringing the Red Cross’ total haul to $90,000,000.

I ask again, why isn’t there anything remotely close to this being given to your fellow Americans in need?

---

The guy who shot Pope John Paul II(: The Pontiffication) proclaimed that “the world will be destroyed in this century.”

Way to hedge the bet, Mehmet. Who will be around to “haw haw” at you in 90 years?

---

Dennis Hopper is getting a divorce (despite his being frighteningly close to death) from his wife of 13 years because he believes she’s greedy. “Sources” claim that he’s only holding on to this mortal coil until it’s finalized. That way, they say, she’ll only get 25% of his estate.

Ain’t love grand?

---

The American Conservative Union’s big annual shindig has a new co-sponsor this year: The John Birch Society. For those not familiar with Mr. Birch’s “Society,” please to allow Bob Dylan to ’splain: