Big day filled with things to do.

Which means I only have a couple of hours to write. Here goes.

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Boston tea party

MASS. REVOLT!

GOP Senate win sends Bam & Dems reeling

Sigh. The Americans with (arguably) the most progressive health care system in the country have decided to pee on the grave of the man who represented them for longer than I’ve been alive. And this reflects poorly on Democrats. Because their candidate was an uncharismatic harpy who alienated her base by not knowing who Curt Schilling is and scoffing at the very thought of having to campaign for the gig.

Does this mean that health-care reform is dead? Of course not. But then, the Post has been delivering the eulogy for health-care reform for almost a year now. Are there more “Mass.” vs. “ass” puns? Yes — HUGE KICK IN THE MASS. FOR PREZ is but one of them.

And, along with Churley Hurt’s Bam, wake up & smell the disaster (“One year ago, people marveled at the magic of Obama. But the only magic trick he managed to pull off was to rescue the Republican party from the ash bin.”) and Dr. O’s bill flatlining, there’s Sexy hunk hits a big jump shot which includes a nice quote from Massachusetts gay-rights advocate Scott Gortikov (“[Brown's] not someone who even likes or tolerates gay people or their families.”). Well done, Massholes!

But in four pages of This Is The End Of All Democratic Things Forever news, the most ridiculous piece is 5 things President Obama must learn from the loss of a Senate seat in Massachusetts:

1) Don’t negotiate health care in secret and pack it with sweetheart deals. (You’re only allowed to lock the other party out of Congress if you’re a Republican.)

2) Responding aloofly to an attempted terror attack doesn’t inspire confidence. (Unless you’re reading My Pet Goat or shoveling turds on your ranch [for twice as many days as Obama waited to comment on Jim Carrey-on] — that inspires mad confidence, yo.)

3) Slow down the runaway spending, get a grip on the deficit, and focus on job creation. (Which, you know, he hasn’t done at all yet.)

4) Understand that the era of big government really is over. (Until the GOP regains power. Then all bets are off.)

5) Lose the arrogance, Mr. President. (You first, Post.)

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“Governor” Paterson unveiled his $134,000,000,000 (that’s billion with a b) budget yesterday. Here are some highlights:

* A 17% “fat tax” on “sugary soda”

* Increase the cigarette tax to $3.75 a pack

* 24/7 video lottery parlors

* Allow wine sales in grocery stores

* Lift the ban on mixed-martial arts bouts

He is so not getting (re-)elected.

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Hugo Hernandez, 22, decided to smoke a cigarette on a subway platform. Transit Detective Angel Cruz decided to issue Hugo a summons. Hugo decided to stab Angel in the head with a large hunting knife. Angel decided to shoot at Hugo and hit him in the ankle.

After eight months of therapy, Angel made a full recovery. On January 5th, Hugo pleaded guilty to aggravated assault. He has been sentenced to twenty (20) years in prison.

Next time? Take the summons. And leave the knife in your scabbard. Dummy.

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Michael Goodwin is brimming with stupid today.

Mass. voters ‘Tea’ off on turncoat O (see what he did there?) informs us that “American voters don’t like the crap [Obama] is plopping in their food dishes.” What a great analogy.

Stand up & shout down our senators encourages New Yorkers to be as belligerent and ill-mannered as possible at City Hall today. Great advice, Mike!

Presidents take high road to help Haiti applauds George W. Bush and Bill Clinton for their “joint appeal for donations” which “is in the best spirit of America, a spirit that transcends partisan differences in a true emergency.” Then Goodwin mentions that George G.W. Bush and Jimmy Carter weren’t at the White House with Obama, George W. Bush and Clinton. Why? Well, Bush (Sr.) is 85 (“he’s slowing down”). And as for Carter? “He’s absent for a different reason. Nobody in the president’s club likes him. Good taste there.”

My favorite part about Goodwin’s diss against Carter (in a mini-piece that praises the best spirit of America, which transcends partisanship) is that he refers to “the president’s club” when he means “the presidents club.”

Actually, it should probably be “The Presidents Club,” but whatever. The point is, it isn’t the club of a president, it’s the club whose membership consists of former (and current) presidents. Which means that, even in his absence, Carter is a member.

And Goodwin is a member. But not of a club (see what I did there?).

B’also? PLEDGE TO RENEW JERSEY encourages New York to be more like New Jersey. ‘Nuff said.

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Blame the (dead) victim!

Remember Vionique Valnord, 32? She was hit by Officer Andrew Kelly, who was driving drunk, and killed.

Now Kelly’s attorney claims that Valnord’s autopsy proves that she was drunk and that that proves that she was at fault, not Kelly.

So… if she wasn’t drunk, she would have been more lucid and better able to avoid the drunk cop’s car?

No further questions.

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Weight Watchers is suing Jenny Craig.

The prosecution calls Domino’s. But only if they stll have that dessert pizza.

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Heidi Montag had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day?

Spencer Pratt is a lucky… prat.

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Page 17 (the page directly following today’s Page Six) is a full-page ad for Bloomingdale’s.

More specifically, it’s an ad for “JEGGINGS!” which are $200 jeans that fit like leggings. Which I find stupid and ridiculous (STUPICULOUS!).

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Michael Starr flexes his journalism muscle and offers Don’t bank on Fox trot, which cautions people not to assume that Conan O’Brien is going to Fox. I agree. We shouldn’t assume that. But we also shouldn’t be surprised when it happens.

Which I kind of think it will.

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Consumer advocates claim that Cash4Gold pays customers roughly 11 to 29% of what their gold is actually worth. If they’re lucky.

Frank Poindexter had his gold appraised. He was told it was worth $200. Cash4Gold sent him $0.15 for it.

He complained, C4G accused him of scamming them and, after months of investigations by the Postal Service and New York and Florida’s attorneys general, he got a check for $140.15.

MC Hammer could not be reached for comment, as he had already sent in all of his solid-gold cell phones.

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Ah, semantics. Is there nothing you can’t do?

Alexia Moore and Falynn Rodriguez are facing misdemeanor prostitution charges. But when the charges were written up, the allegation was that the two “ladies” “did engage, offer and agree to acts of prostitution” instead of engage, offer, or agree. They never got around to actually fucking the undercover cop so, technically, the prosecution can’t prove that the “ladies” engaged in prostitution.

Great legal system you got there, America.

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“Calista Flockhart reads tarot cards.” “Kevin Costner likes to talk golf.” “A chat with Sean Penn could start with the fact that his brother was an actor, too.” “Roseanne Barr hates bores.”

Cindy Adams, ladies and gentlemen.

Whose box is getting cold.

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Brooklyn!

Gersh Gofman, 83, pulled his car in front of the driveway of the home of Steve Pulwers, 99. Pulwers was taking out the trash when the doctor (whose office is located beneath Pulwers’ home) tried to enter his garage, but couldn’t because of Gofman’s vehicle. Pulwers asked Gofman to move (and the doctor repeatedly honked his horn). Gofman got out, pinned Pulwers to the ground (with his knees) and started beating Pulwers with a steering-wheel lock.

Pulwers (did I mention he’s 99?) got a broken nose and broken ribs.

“He said he was going to send somebody to cut off my balls,” Pulwers said of his attacker.

Brooklyn!

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Michigan-based Trijicon manufactures rifle sights for our military. And, for 30 years, they’ve been adding codes to the sights that reference Bible quotes.

2COR4:6, for example, is a reference to a quote from the New Testament (“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”). Which I’m sure Muslims would love to have explained to them.

Trijicon is being paid $660,000,000 to produce 800,000 rifle sights for the Marines (this is but one of their contracts).

Fun fact: There’s a law that prohibits American soldiers from proselytizing.

Funner fact: “Tom Munson, director of sales and marketing for Trijicon, says there’s nothing wrong or illegal with adding the religious references, and that the controversy is being stirred up by non-Christians.” (Well, DUH.)

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Ah, love.

There’s a dating sight called SeekingMillionaire.com. If you’re a (presumably ugly) millionaire, you can find a woman who is interested in dating you (for your personality, I’m sure). Profile #160127 has been on the site for almost two years and was identified as “Bree” — a 23-year-old model from Newport Beach, California. That would be Bree Condon, who appeared in a Maxim swimsuit issue and a Guess jeans campaign. Or so profile #160127 would have millionaires believe. And they did, engaging in chats on the phone with (and receiving nude photos from) the sexy aspiring actress.

The actual Bree Condon hired a private investigator to look into the profile and what did the p.i. find? A 24-year-old man with a high-pitched voice in an Austin, Texas motel room.

[cue Boy George's "The Crying Game"]

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Two celebrity deaths:

‘Spenser’ for heaven at 77 and ‘Love’ dies with Segal, 72.

Rest in peace, Robert B. Parker and Erich Segal.

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Poor Bill Carroll, 43.

He’s a Jets fan. He and his girlfriend flew to San Diego to watch Sunday’s game. Carroll was arrested in the stands. Here’s the arrest:

Carroll says he drank three beers over four hours and, despite begging for a Breathalyzer test, was never given one.

The people shouting “He didn’t do anything!” are Chargers fans.

Carroll spent 15 hours in jail before being released on Monday.

He faces charges of being drunk in public and resisting arrest.

Poor Bill Carroll.

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Versace is set to unveil their first “luxury mobile phone.”

Really, Versace? Really?

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An editorial praising Scott Brown? Well, that’s to be expected from this rag.

But calling it Heck of a Job, Brownie! is in poor taste.

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So the issue of In Touch Weekly with Sarah and Bristol Palin (and Trig and Tripp) sold about half the copies that the Brittany Murphy issue did. I just saw the cover and think I might know why.

“WE’RE GLAD WE CHOSE LIFE”

* How Trig’s Down syndrome made Sarah a “more patient” mother

* Bristol and her struggles as a teen mom and finding love after Levi

PLUS: Heartwarming family photos

(shudder)

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Chrysler is recalling 24,177 vehicles “due to a potential defect in a brake system that could result in sudden brake failure.”

(waves miniature American flag)

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The next adaptation of a (non-musical) movie into a Broadway musical will be… Leap of Faith? The Steve Martin movie? Really?

Also in the all-too-soon future, a musical based on Finding Neverland.

(shudder)

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The Nets play Phoenix tonight.

Will they be 4-37 or 3-38 come morning?

(My money’s on 3-38.)

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Bengie Molina decided that, instead of playing for the New York Mets, he’ll accept less money to return to the San Francisco Giants.

Ouch.

And now folks are saying that maybe Jason Bay’s knees are an issue, as might be his shoulders.

Double and triple ouch.

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Thank God.

There will be a Jersey Shore reunion (they just taped it!). And a prequel (audition tapes and interviews from before they were “famous”). And a spin-off.

The spin-off is a dating show called Snookin’ for Love and the winner gets penicillin.

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In other “reality” news based at a “music-related” TV channel, yet another VH1 “celebrity” is on trial for murder.

Jamal Trulove (I Love New York 2)is on trial for shooting (and killing) someone at a San Francisco housing project in 2007. When his episode aired the following October, the prosecution’s witness recognized Jamal.

Jamal was already a felon when he “competed” for “New York.”

Jamal joins Ryan Jenkins (I Love Money 3, Megan Wants a Millionaire) in the prestigious “I was on VH1 and also I’m a murderer” club.

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Of all of the people I wish would fall down some stairs, Jeff Conaway was never one of them.

Nevertheless, he fell down some stairs yesterday and required emergency surgery. He broke his hip and an arm and fractured his neck. He also suffered a brain hemorrhage.

Was it an accident? Was it a suicide attempt? Was he pushed by that creepy lady he lives with?

Maybe Sundance needs to produce a sequel to The Staircase?

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Randy Jackson has announced that, despite Paula and Simon’s exits, he will remain on American Idol.

Then he called everyone “man” and “dawg” and asked if anyone could front him bus fare home and/or “the rest of that sandwich.”

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Hot damn! I still have time to shave! USA! USA!

Have a great one, kids.